


Now and Then

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Retail, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Band Fic, Blow Jobs, Coming In Pants, Dirty Talk, Dream Sex, Fantasizing, Flirting, Fluff, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Name-Calling, Nonsense, Pining, Restraints, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Semi-Public Sex, Shinya is MVP but like when isn't he, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, Some angst, Spanking, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Very slight kinda Die/Toshiya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2019-12-30 07:55:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 139,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18311423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: “And who’s that?”“Who’s what?” Die asked innocently, though he was perfectly aware of who Toshiya was pointing at beyond his shoulder.“Little one in the mask. I don’t get to meet him?”Die sighed. Sure, he thought Toshiya should eventually meet Kyo; it was just that he was barely even civil with his customers, and after Toshiya had met everyone else and found out what a great place it was to work, he didn’t want Kyo to completely ruin that.OR: The retail AU that someone somewhere might have wanted at some point~!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooo, lo and behold, I appear with... an AU! What what what??  
> I've been sitting on this a *really* long time, casually working on it on and off for the past year or something.  
> It was all pretty much inspired by [this](http://jrockmemesalottome.tumblr.com/post/156740223503/dir-en-grey-working-in-retail) tumblr post, and I got permission to write a full-blown AU which has naturally become. Really long.  
> I always say I'm not the biggest fan of AUs, but this one has been a lot of fun to work on, so I hope it's fun for you guys, too. The rating will go up, when we get to that point.  
> I'm gonna aim for two updates a week, 'cause even with that it's gonna take us a while to get through. Please enjoy xoxo!!

Die checked the schedule one more time on his way to the break room. Sure enough, his shift today was starting half an hour earlier than usual, and while it didn’t make much difference to him, he had to wonder at the reason for it. Kaoru was always so deliberate with the scheduling; he must have had something in mind for Die to do before his regular shift started.

After clocking in, Die secured his name tag to the front of his work shirt and started back out onto the floor, pulling a hair tie off his wrist as he walked, getting his dyed red tresses back into a ponytail.

“You’re a bit early, aren’t you?” Shinya said with a tone of reserved suspicion as he walked past Die to the cash registers. 

“Just followin’ the schedule,” Die said, spreading his arms and walking backwards a few steps so he could still face Shinya. 

“Sounds like you’re in trouble,” Shinya said. He waved Die on his way and set the marble run playset he was carrying up on the counter in front of one of the cashiers, turning his attention to the customers standing there waiting for it.

Die turned back around and started to search the area for Kaoru. As floor manager he was frequently hanging around in front of the cash registers, and it didn’t take long to spot him there, his hair pinned neatly back from his eyes in some illusion of professionalism.

Well, that was unfair. Kaoru was honestly very professional, and an extremely fair and capable manager. He was just a bit less traditional than most. His collared work shirt hid full tattoo sleeves, and his hair was restrained now, but Die had seen it let down, falling around his shoulders and dyed all variety of colors. It was one of the nice things about working there; even the management wasn’t likely to get on someone’s case for a bit of a counter-culture aesthetic.

Die had his mouth open to greet Kaoru, but before he had the chance, Kaoru was glancing up at him, something like an approving smile twitching around his mouth. 

“Die,” he said, pulling his walkie-talkie from his pocket, “Good, you’re here.” Into the walkie-talkie, he informed someone that they were headed over to the guest service desk, and nodded in that direction for Die to walk with him.

For a brief moment, Die was worried. He’d worked in guest service for a long while, but he’d eventually gotten to move on from it, and been placed working in spirits instead, which was much more the kind of thing he was into. He’d been the one to request the move, and as far as he knew, no one had any complaints about his performance.

That said, he knew they had been short-staffed in guest service lately since another member of the team had quit, and he wondered if the change in his schedule had actually meant he was being moved back to his old department. He didn’t _think_ Kaoru would do something like that without touching base with him first, but there wasn’t really a strong sense of certainty as they crossed to the appointed counter.

“I have a favor to ask you,” Kaoru said, frowning slightly.

That wasn’t a wholly encouraging start to their conversation. “What’s that?” Die asked.

“You were one of the best guest service staff I ever had, you know.”

“Sure, thank you,” Die said, tipping his head politely. “But now I’m in another department.”

Kaoru waved his hand dismissively. “No, yeah, I know. But we have a new guy starting today, and I wondered if you might be able to help him out.”

Die raised his eyebrows at that. “You want me to train the new guest service staff?”

“Just show him around the place mostly,” Kaoru said. “He’s worked in an equivalent position at another store, but he could use someone to introduce him to everyone and to how we do things here. And no one knows better than you.” That made two compliments from Kaoru in as many minutes. Highly unusual.

“Well, where is this new guy then?” Die said.

He needn’t really have asked. As soon as they approached the counter, there was no mistaking the new face there. He was rail thin and tall, taller even than Die himself, and if Die had ever seen him before he certainly would have remembered. He had a face that was serious and beautiful, and he was imposing as he stood there, though there was somehow a soft innocence about him as well.

The stranger caught sight of them and smiled at once, the expression only further bringing into focus his handsome features.

“Toshiya,” Kaoru said, gesturing towards him. “This is Die. He’s going to be showing you some of the ropes. He’s a good person to come to with questions.”

When he put it like that, Die couldn’t help but wonder how much of this was a ploy so that Kaoru could avoid being the one to answer questions. Much as Die liked Kaoru, he did have a reputation for being a bit socially awkward. 

“Nice to meet you,” Toshiya said, shaking Die’s hand and bowing.

Die bowed in return and looked up to find Kaoru already turning and making his way off to whatever else needed to be done. 

“So…” Die caught the end of his ponytail and ran his fingers through it. 

“I don’t really know what all he meant for you to show me,” Toshiya said.

“Neither do I,” Die said. “But I guess I’ll give you a tour of the place anyway.” He started walking in a counterclockwise loop of the store, heading towards the back first. “I’m guessing you already saw where to clock in, how the lockers work…?”

“Yes,” Toshiya said, nodding. “Got the rundown of that, and saw the bins for returned and damaged items behind the guest service desk.”

“Okay, good. Honestly, you’ll mostly be staying over there, so I’m just giving you a really general idea of the rest of the store.” Die waved towards the limited aisles of outdoor items as they passed. “This will be where you send anyone looking for gardening, automotive, anything that might be for outside the home.”

“Got it,” Toshiya said. Then, “Nice ink.”

Die looked down at the hand that had caught his attention. “Oh, thanks.”

“It’s kind of surprising they let you have that, that’s nice.”

“Oh, yeah, Kaoru doesn’t give a shit about stuff like that,” Die said. “Maybe you didn’t talk to him that long, but he’s got a lot of tattoos himself.”

“You’ve seen them often?” Toshiya raised an eyebrow.

“Well, he’s a cool guy,” Die said with a shrug. “We’ve gotten drinks after work a couple times. And he doesn’t put a lot of effort into hiding that kind of thing.”

“Wow, that’s really cool that you guys are close enough to hang out outside of work,” Toshiya said.

“It’s not a big thing. Most of the people here are pretty friendly with each other,” Die said. “You should come along next time we go out!”

Toshiya smiled. “I’d like that a lot. I was never really close with any of my coworkers at my old job.”

Die shook his head. “Won’t be like that here.” He couldn’t imagine how Toshiya hadn’t been close with everyone he met. He was clearly an attractive and charming person, and Die liked him within just minutes of knowing him. “Anyway, here’s the back room.” Die stopped at the big double doors leading into the storage and stocking area. “If you’re in guest service, you probably won’t need to come back here often, but it’s good to know your way around it. You’ll probably call other people to run and get items you need from back here though…” He pushed the door open and a wave of chilled warehouse air rushed out towards them. “After you.”

Toshiya walked in ahead of him, shivering slightly, and looked around the high-ceilinged space. “Got everything in here, don’t we?”

“Pretty much,” Die said. He pointed out different departments as they passed the corresponding aisles of stored merchandise, all of it routine and mechanical. They waved to one of the guys who worked in the back all the time, and he raised a hand in greeting as well, headphones around his neck. As Die led them around the next corner he said, “Once we had a cat in here.”

“A live cat?”

“Yep. Not intentionally, mind you. A stray came in here to have her babies; we had a whole litter of stock room kittens,” Die said.

“Oh my god,” Toshiya said. “Were they okay??”

“Kinda cold and hungry,” Die said. “I wanted to take some home, but we had to call animal control and make sure everything got taken care of by the book.”

“That’s intense,” Toshiya said. “I hope they recovered all right.”

“I’m pretty sure they did. That was a while ago.”

“Never a dull moment, eh?”

“Nah, for retail we keep it pretty lively around here,” Die said with a grin. “Ah, and here’s my department.” He jerked his thumb at the aisle of booze as they passed it.

“Oh! You’re not guest service?”

“Haven’t been for a while,” Die said, shaking his head. “Kaoru just asked me to help you get situated. My homestead is surrounded by alcohol.”

Toshiya nodded. “Sounds nice.”

“Doesn’t it?” Die was about to lead him back out into the store when he heard a familiar jangling of keys. He could always recognize Kyo, one of the cashiers, by the distinctive sound his keys made, hanging from his belt loop, rattling when he walked. “Um, let me show you this aisle, actually,” Die said, quickly taking Toshiya by the shoulder and steering him down to look at some shelves off to one side.

It wasn’t that he had anything _against_ Kyo exactly. But if he was trying to show Toshiya around the place, get him comfortable, and make him think this was a fun place to work, he might as well hold off on dropping the most surly and unsociable employee they had on him. Running into Kyo would just result in some snarky comment from the cashier, and Die would be doing damage control before Toshiya had even worked an actual shift.

“What am I looking at here?” Toshiya asked.

“Oh, this is all stuff you might actually be stocking yourself sometimes, all the little things they have up when you’re in line for the guest service counter.” He pointed out a few shelves of gum, candy, and small collectible items, all the while listening to the sound of Kyo’s keys fading into the distance. 

When he was confident that they wouldn’t run into his less than friendly coworker, he led Toshiya back out and showed him the rest of the back room, including the cardboard compactor, and the corral where clothes hangers were collected to be reused. 

“You might need to deal with hangers a lot, if people are making returns and that kind of thing,” Die said. “I always thought it was one of the most annoying parts of the job, honestly. Just transporting the hangers to the front from the back and vice versa.” He shook his head as he started back towards the double doors. “They’re unwieldy and just a huge pain.”

“I’ll look forward to that then,” Toshiya said, clearly amused.

“I’m sorry, I’m not giving you a great impression of this place, am I?” Die said, wrinkling his nose. He led Toshiya out onto the sales floor once more.

“Nah, you’re doing fine,” Toshiya said. “I’ve worked in retail before, so it’s not like any of this is completely foreign to me.”

Die nodded, looking around for what he could show Toshiya next. A thought came to him and he grinned. “I know what will make a positive impression. Come with me.”

Toshiya made no argument, falling easily into step behind Die as he crossed through the home goods department and came out on the other side, where sports equipment gave way to toys in general.

It was a brightly colored and appealing area, with somehow a noticeably different vibe than even the part of the store through which they had just passed.

“Nice toys,” Toshiya said, sounding uncertain.

“They are,” Die agreed as a few bubbles floated in the air between them. “But that can mostly be chalked up to who keeps this department in order.”

“Chalk is on the next aisle over,” a soft voice said from beside Die’s shoulder.

Die beamed at the source of both the voice and the bubbles. “Toshiya, I’d like to introduce you to Shinya. He works in toys and is truly one of the finest people you’ll ever meet.”

Toshiya looked down at the man, who, despite being thin to the point of appearing frail, radiated strength and warmth like few others.

Shinya rolled his eyes at Die’s introduction, but lowered his bubbles and bobbed his head in greeting. “Nice to meet you. You’re new at the store?”

“I am,” Toshiya said. “Guest service.”

“Welcome to the team,” Shinya said. “But careful learning too much from this one,” he added, glaring at Die. “He’s nearly intolerable.”

“He says that, but he loves me,” Die assured Toshiya hurriedly.

“Not as much as your flirting might lead one to believe,” Shinya quipped.

“Shin!” Die gave him a wide-eyed look, wondering if he was the wrong person to introduce Toshiya to after all. The thing with Shinya was that he always _knew_ everything, and he didn’t mess around. Sure, he had Die had a long-standing relationship of friendly teasing, but he could very easily humiliate Die if he so chose.

“Shameless,” Shinya said, shaking his head disapprovingly.

Die was ready to defend himself but Toshiya was laughing.

“I’ll be wary about following his example,” he said.

Die smiled then. Seriously, Shinya was one of the people he most respected and whose opinion he most valued. If he seemed to be getting along well with Toshiya, the chances were pretty good that Toshiya would be a decent guy, and it was always nice to have someone new and decent to work with.

Besides, as he’d noticed earlier, Toshiya was definitely attractive. Cocking his head, Die studied Toshiya as he talked a little more with Shinya, trying to decided if he could determine whether he’d be interested in guys.

He was checking out Toshiya’s finely sculpted shoulders when he realized Shinya was staring at him.

“Did you say something?” Die rubbed at his nose, wondering how badly he’d just been caught.

Shinya gave him a somewhat bemused look and shook his head. “I have customers.”

“Ah, right,” Die said. “Come on, Toshiya, I’ll introduce you to a few more people.”

Toshiya waved goodbye to Shinya and followed Die as they continued their loop of the store. They stopped a couple more times at other departments on their way back up to the front, so Toshiya could get acquainted with some more of his coworkers. Die was pleased to see him getting along with everyone respectfully, and to see that he was opening up a bit as well, getting more comfortable. After all, he really did want the new guy to incorporate himself well onto the team.

Their final stop was at the cash registers, and he took him around to greet everyone as soon as they weren’t occupied with a customer.

“Again, nice to meet you,” Toshiya said as they moved away from the last register. He turned to Die, clearly impressed. “She’s really somethin'.”

“Ataru? Yeah, she’s a badass,” Die said. He smiled broadly, as they’d finished their rounds. “And that’s about it!”

“Great! Everyone seems really cool,” Toshiya said.

“Yeah, we’ve got a good group of people here,” Die agreed, a note of pride stirring inside him.

“And who’s that?”

“Who’s what?” Die asked innocently, though he was perfectly aware of who Toshiya was pointing at beyond his shoulder.

“Little one in the mask. I don’t get to meet him?”

Die sighed. Sure, he thought Toshiya should _eventually_ meet Kyo; it was just that he was barely even civil with his customers, and after Toshiya had met everyone else and found out what a great place it was to work, he didn’t want Kyo to completely ruin that.

“You can meet him,” Die said. “I just don’t know if you want to. His name is Kyo, but he’s not really _friendly_.”

“He’s unfriendly, but he’s a cashier?”

“He’s efficient,” Die explained. “He’s really good at what he does; his till is always perfect, and he moves people through the line faster than any other cashier—the theory is it’s because he doesn’t want to have them there long enough to try and strike up a conversation with him.”

“And when there are no customers in his line, like now?” Toshiya was staring, so Die turned to look at the cashier in question as well.

As expected, he was sitting on his stool behind the register, his mask covering half his face, attention on his phone in his hands. If Die were to put an emotion to what little of Kyo’s face he could see, he would say he just looked bored.

“Kaoru lets him get away with being on his phone?” Toshiya asked.

“I guess… Kyo is able to get away with things ‘cause he gets results,” Die said, shrugging. “He’s actually the shift lead, so when you need something, he’s one of the people you can come to. He knows everything about the store and he has keys.” Die grimaced. “But honestly, I think you’d be better off just asking Kaoru when you can.”

“Got it.” A pause and then, “I still wanna meet him.” With that, Toshiya started marching towards Kyo’s register, and Die had no choice but to follow.

“Hello!” Toshiya called brightly as they approached.

Kyo glanced up from his phone and took in the people coming towards him with an arched eyebrow. The two of them towered over Kyo, but if he was intimidated it didn’t show in the least.

“Hey, Kyo,” Die said, trying to keep the cheerful smile of introduction on his face.

“Die,” Kyo nodded to him, and Die was honestly surprised that he knew his name.

“Um, so this is Toshiya. He’s new today, starting in guest service, and so I’m showing him around,” Die said. He wasn’t totally comfortable making eye contact, and kept looking between Kyo and Toshiya instead.

Toshiya was grinning as he bowed in greeting, and then the most bizarre thing happened.

Kyo pulled his mask down.

And he was smiling under it.

Die was sure his heart stopped beating altogether. In all the time he had worked there and known Kyo, he had never seen him without his mask on. He was actually… entrancing.

His lips were full and curving, pierced in more than one place. His smile was small, on the bashful side, and his cheekbones, high and sharp, contrasted with his actual cheeks, whose roundness was made more prominent with his smile. Die had the unfathomable urge to reach out and touch the face that had just been revealed to him. It was like a perfect work of art hung in a museum, and similarly off-limits, and Die’s hand twitched with the effort of keeping it down at his side.

Kyo greeted Toshiya politely and traditionally, seeming, strangely enough, like a completely normal person. Only it didn’t stop there.

“So, guest service, eh? I was trained for that originally,” Kyo said, sliding his phone into his apron pocket.

“You were?” Toshiya asked.

“You _were_?” Die echoed. It was news to him. He was pretty sure he and Kyo had started at the store around the same time, but he didn’t remember Kyo ever working guest service.

Kyo’s eyes flitted between them, amused. “I was.”

“I used to work over there, and I don’t remember you being…” Die tried to explain himself, his cheeks oddly hot with how Kyo looked at him.

“Yeah, I didn’t last long,” Kyo said. “Got all the training and then said, ‘fuck this, I’m terrified of people, I don’t wanna talk to them all day.’”

“So they made you a cashier?” Toshiya wrinkled his nose. “How does that follow?”

“I was trying to get on the night shift for a while, stocking, cleaning up, whatever,” Kyo said, scratching lightly at a spot under his eye. “I’d done well enough with the training though that Kaoru really wanted me somewhere in the front.”

“Which is why you’re shift lead,” Die said, feeling like a mystery that had haunted him for years had finally been unraveled for him.

“Pretty stupid if you ask me,” Kyo said with a shrug. “Anyone could be shift lead if they made some small amount of effort for a few seconds.”

“Kaoru must really trust you,” Toshiya said.

“I guess the feeling is mutual,” Kyo said. “At any rate, if you have questions about how anything works…” He shrugged again.

“Thank you,” Toshiya said. “And I like your hair.”

Kyo reached up, running a hand self-consciously over the bubblegum pink strands. “Ah, thanks… Yeah, I might re-dye it soon. It’s fading more quickly than I’d like.”

“You want it _brighter_ than that?” Die said, honestly somewhat impressed.

“I did. Maybe I’ll do a different color…”

Die recalled that not long ago, Kyo had had his hair a sea foam green color, and there had been a long period earlier where it had been blonde. He changed it so often, Die hadn’t really thought about the obvious fact that each change was a conscious decision.

“Anyway, your hair is always dyed, what, are you really judging me for mine?” Kyo asked Die with a sideways smile.

“No! No judgment,” Die said quickly. “I’m just kind of amazed you can pull if off.” Die was startled by the words coming out of his own mouth, even though they were totally true. Here Kyo was with a pink bowl cut, and it shouldn’t have been flattering at all, yet Die found him oddly… appealing. Maybe it was just ‘cause he was so thrown by seeing the rest of his face for once.

“Um,” Die said then, looking away. “I think I’m supposed to bring him back. So.”

Kyo just nodded. “Nice meeting you, Toshiya.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Toshiya said.

Kyo pulled his mask back over his mouth and nose and waved once more before taking his phone back out as Die and Toshiya started to move away.

Die was aware that Toshiya was staring at him as they walked, and wondered uneasily just what was showing on his face.

“I don’t get your deal,” Toshiya said, once they were out of earshot. “What’s your problem with him exactly?”

“He’s… He’s not usually like that,” Die said.

“I thought he was funny.”

“He was…”

“And he seemed nice.”

“He’s not usually like that!” Die said again.

“How much have you really talked to him?” Toshiya asked.

“I’ve… I don’t know. Here and there,” Die said. Was that seriously it? He had been judging Kyo for his standoffish attitude and nontraditional appearance, and never bothered getting to know him? Wow, how shallow was that? “It’s not like he’s been so friendly, falling over himself to talk to me either, you know,” he added defensively.

“Didn’t say he was,” Toshiya said, raising his eyebrows.

Die walked Toshiya the rest of the way over to the guest service counter and left him there with Takumi, one of the cashiers who was crosstrained. He wasn’t as much of an expert as Die perhaps, but if they really needed his help they could always page him. He promised to check in a little later, and headed over to his usual department, a small frown working its way onto his face as soon as his back was turned.

He really _didn’t_ know that much about Kyo. They’d been coworkers for a reasonably long time, but while he had been friendly with Kaoru and Shinya, learning their interests, and going out with them a few times, he’d never bonded with Kyo at all. Honestly, he’d never taken the time to _try_ , and now he couldn’t really figure out why not.

Toshiya was right: Kyo seemed to be nice and funny. There was nothing that Die found rubbed him the wrong way just going by their brief interaction today.

He spent the next hour of his shift struggling to remember _anything_ at all that he knew about Kyo, anything he’d heard other people discussing, or that he had gleaned in some small way. Nothing he could draw up was he even 100% sure was _about_ Kyo, or was true rather than just rumors. It was a slow time of day for selling alcohol, so he wandered the floor a bit, offering assistance to some of the sparse customers until he was back in the toys section.

Shinya was currently kneeling to be on the same level as the child he was talking to. They were having a serious discussion about play food and what would be best for the child’s restaurant, so Die hung back, straightening a shelf of baby dolls while he waited for Shinya to be finished.

His mind went back to Kyo (or did it even count as going back when he’d been stuck there all morning?), as he recalled Kyo’s comment about Die’s hair. Did Kyo really pay enough attention to Die to notice that his hair was always colored? The thought made Die feel… some way. He couldn’t tell _what_ exactly, but something inside him fluttered at the idea of Kyo _noticing_ him.

“Don’t you have merchandise of your own to organize?” Shinya said from beside him, interrupting his pointless thought spiral.

Die’s eyes flicked over to him for a second, then back to what he was doing. “All merchandise is mine. Just as it’s all yours. We’re part of a team, Shinya; I just want everything to look its best for the store.”

Shinya was not impressed. “Did you need something?”

“It’s just slow,” Die said with a shrug.

“Hmm.” Shinya pulled a small notebook from the pocket of his apron and started slowly down the aisle, marking down items that were low in stock.

After what he deemed a long enough pause, Die said, “Actually, since you’re here and everything…”

“Mmhmm.”

“So, you know that cashier, Kyo? He’s short, always got his hair weird colors…”

“I know Kyo, yes.” Shinya looked over his shoulder at Die.

“Have you ever talked to him much?” Die asked, scratching at his elbow.

Shinya turned to face Die fully now, curious. “Somewhat.”

“What do you know about him?” Die said vaguely, and shifted a few items around on a shelf to his left.

“I’ve spoken to him a number of times,” Shinya said. “What, you want a list of facts?”

“I just realized I don’t really know anything about the guy,” Die said. “I don’t think I’d even seen his face before he took off his mask when I introduced him to Toshiya.”

Shinya’s eyes narrowed for a second and then he was looking back down at his notebook. “He’s pretty introverted.”

“Okay, thanks, I’d gathered that much,” Die said. “I am, too, you know.”

Shinya turned again to stare at Die, looking simultaneously amused and horrified. “ _You’re_ introverted.”

“I am!” Die insisted. “I’m not with _you_ , because I _know_ you, but I’m definitely the kind of person who values his alone time.”

“Mmhmm.” Shinya looked thoughtful and then said, “He’s a nerd.”

“A nerd? What kind of nerd?” Die asked warily.

“Into sci-fi and cartoons and obscure things,” Shinya said. “And he’s an artist. He draws.”

“Is he any good?”

“I’ve seen a couple of his drawings. They’re creepy.”

“How is it you’ve gotten to know him so much?” Was it just that Shinya was that much less shallow than him?

Shinya shrugged and went back to looking at his notebook. “I’m pretty quiet, which probably makes me less intimidating than someone like you. We have some things in common.”

Die found that kind of difficult to believe, but decided not to press the issue. “Anything else you wanna tell me about him?”

“Hmm. He writes poetry.”

“Okay, now you’re just making shit up.”

“I’m not!” Shinya said. “I’ve seen a few of his poems, too. They’re… dark. But he’s talented.” 

It seemed impossible to Die that he’d never seen Kyo’s _face_ before today, and yet Shinya had been reading his _poetry_. How could someone who spent so much time hidden away be willing to share something so intimate? How could Die get Kyo to open up to him as well?

“Someday, Shinya, you’ll need to teach me some of your masterful techniques in the art of social finesse,” Die said, and turned to leave him alone, heading back up the toy aisle.

“He likes chocolate.”

Die paused, turned back. “What?”

“Kyo. He loves chocolate. And coffee, he’s a total Starbucks addict,” Shinya said. His back was still to Die, his tone matter of fact.

“…Okay?” Die said uncertainly. These seemed like strange details for Shinya to feel the need to tack on at the end.

“Just saying, if you were trying to get him something, or take him somewhere. That’s what I know.”

Die’s mouth opened and closed uselessly. “I—What?? I’m not trying to-to _date_ him, or anything—I was just wondering— _Christ_ , Shinya!”

“Okay!” Shinya said. “I was just offering up my knowledge like you asked.”

Die scoffed, and then made a few more indignant, skeptical noises for good measure, and headed back to his own section of the store. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Please suspend your disbelief so that we can imagine an equivalent play on words to the English puns might exist in the Japanese that presumably everyone is speaking ok)  
> (OH, ps did I mention this is a let's-make-a-band fic? bahahaha)

Toshiya did well in his new position at the store. His entire first week, he only needed to call Die up for extra assistance with something on three occasions, and Die felt almost unreasonably proud of him for his competence. He knew Toshiya had worked something similar prior to coming there, but he’d bonded with him so quickly that seeing Kaoru praise him was like watching a little brother get praised.

A tall, attractive little brother who he wasn’t remotely related to.

He had still been toying with the idea of asking Toshiya out—if he could determine whether or not he was into guys. So far, it was a slow-going investigation.

For some reason though, Die was really set on finding out, focusing his attention on this potential interest in Toshiya. He knew in the back of his head why it had become such a thing for him, and felt guilty that the reason really had nothing to do with Toshiya himself.

Toshiya really seemed like a perfectly nice person, and certainly good-looking. Die got along with him well enough. But if Die let his mind go where it would on its own, more often than not he found himself thinking about _Kyo_.

There was something incredibly… charming about him. Or maybe that was the wrong word. Anytime Die was up in the front, he’d find a way to position himself so he could see Kyo out of the corner of his eye, watching how he interacted with other people. He was surprised to see that Kyo seemed to actually be _kind_. He kept his mask on, but Die saw his eyes crinkle in a smile when there were cute kids in his line, and when other cashiers came over to ask him something, he always nodded and spoke to them without any kind of attitude. It was troubling to Die just how wrong he’d initially read him.

And still he tried to stick to Toshiya. Whatever threads he was unraveling in relation to Kyo were too fragile for him to even try really speaking with him again, and he didn’t want the whole thing to disintegrate before he could even sort out what he felt about him.

Die had already clocked out when he came to lean on the guest service counter, which was free of any customers.

“How’s it going over here?” Die leaned his chin on one hand. He was aware of just how cute he was, and wanted to see how it worked on someone like Toshiya.

“Hey!” Toshiya looked pleased to see him, but didn’t indicate much else in the way of what that meant. “It’s good. I’m getting the hang of things more all the time. Soon you won’t need to come and check on me at all anymore.”

Die pouted. “What, you’re sick of me already?”

“No, not at all!” Toshiya said hurriedly. “I just feel bad you’re having to do more than your share of work, looking after me.”

“Nah, I don’t mind,” Die said. “It’s not like you’re a chore. I’m not even on the clock right now, I just wanted to come say hey.”

“Oh! Well. Hey,” Toshiya said, and smiled.

“Hey.”

They looked at each other for a long moment, and Die was pretty sure pursuing Toshiya was within the realm of possibility.

“So, Totchi, what’re you into?”

Toshiya snorted at the nickname and then said, “Umm. Into, like how? What’s the context here?”

“I really meant pretty generally. What do you like doing, what are you passionate about?”

“Oh, hmm.” Toshiya looked so thoughtful that Die thought he might have accidentally struck something sensitive, but at length he merely said, “Music.”

Die blinked. The answer surprised him, despite it being the same one he would have given. “What kind of music?”

“Rock, mostly,” Toshiya said. “Listening, writing, playing… I love being in front of an audience.” In a way that was less surprising. Toshiya had that kind of beautiful, athletic look about him; it only seemed right for him to be a performer.

“What do you play?”

“Bass.”

“Yeah? I play guitar!” Die said, and a thought occurred to him. “Are you in a band or anything?”

“Not right now,” Toshiya said, seeming a bit sad about that fact. “I was for a while, but it kinda fell apart a few months back, and I’ve been missing it.”

“What went wrong?”

“Everyone just ended up going different directions. My best friend, our guitarist, got a better offer from another group and headed up north. Without him, the rest of us didn’t have the motivation to stay together.” He shrugged, picked up a pen from the counter and set it down again.

“Were you guys any good?” Die asked.

“We were all right,” Toshiya said. “I dunno if we were really doing the kind of thing I wanted to be doing.”

Die nodded, his brow furrowed. “Well. I’ve been thinking about trying to get a band together.”

“Really?” The interest was obvious in Toshiya’s voice.

“It’s actually something I’ve been thinking about for a while now,” Die said. “I just haven’t found many people to recruit.”

“Who else do you have?”

“Um, besides you and me?” Die chewed his lip for a second. “No one exactly. But I think Shinya is a musician too.”

“Shinya?”

“Yeah, you met him,” Die said. “He works in toys…?”

“No, I remember him,” Toshiya said. “I’m just trying to picture him being in a rock band and I’m struggling a little.”

“I’m sure he does music though,” Die said. “I can’t remember what instrument, but I know it was something.”

“Maybe it was something like flute, or violin,” Toshiya said skeptically.

“What, based on how he _looks_?”

“Or trumpet? His lips are pretty big,” Toshiya mused.

“How much time are you spending looking at Shinya’s lips?” Die asked, his eyes narrowed.

Toshiya opened and closed his mouth, then said, “They’re just prominent. It would be hard not to notice.”

Die filed this suspicious response away, and got back to the matter at hand. “It’s been a while since we talked about it, but I think it was something a little more usable in a rock band than a trumpet.”

“I’m not trying to be insulting,” Toshiya said, looking worried. “I think Shinya’s great, just… He’s a cinnamon roll, you know?”

“A… cinnamon roll?” Die was lost.

“You know,” Toshiya said. “It’s like an internet term, for people who are… well, like Shinya.”

“How?”

“Like people who seem to be truly good, and maybe have this sense of purity about them?”

“So, it’s a good thing?” Die said.

“Yeah, it’s like… a term of endearment. Cinnamon rolls are so _sweet_ , you know?”

Die nodded. “That’s nice.” He looked innocently at Toshiya. “Can’t I be a cinnamon bun, too?”

Toshiya made a rather loud sputtering noise. “ _You_??”

“What, I’m good!” Die said. “I wanna be a cinnamon bun!”

Toshiya stopped laughing enough to say, “Oh my god, it’s cinnamon _roll_ , and you…” He tilted his head as he squinted at Die. “You’re not… Hm. You can be a _sinnamon_ roll, with an S.”

“Sinammon roll? What’s that mean?”

“Like… a naughty cinnamon roll?” Toshiya said, the smallest amount of color rising on his cheeks. “It’s part of the meme.”

Die shifted how he was leaning against the counter, pleased with both that answer and how Toshiya had seemed a bit nervous giving it. He was about to say more, when the telltale jingle of keys passing behind him caught his attention, and he glanced discreetly over his shoulder to see Kyo on his way back to his register from where he’d been helping another cashier. He’d dyed his hair a new color, something between the pink from before and a deeper violet.

Turning back to Toshiya, Die crossed his arms casually over his chest and said with a shrug, “Okay, so if Shinya’s a cinnamon roll and I’m the naughty version… what’s, like… Kyo?”

“Kyo? Hmm, I might have to think about that. He’s probably the part of the meme that goes, ‘Looks like he could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll’.”

“You think so?”

Toshiya gave him a strange look. “You don’t? Why do you ask about him anyway?”

“I mean,” Die said, trying to keep his face totally neutral, “He was just walking past, so I thought of it.”

“Right, and you hate the guy, so you want him to be whatever the opposite of a cinnamon roll is,” Toshiya said.

“No! I… I don’t _hate_ Kyo,” Die said, careful to keep his voice pitched low enough they wouldn’t be overheard. “He just kind of confuses me.”

“I think you’ve just never taken the time to get to know him,” Toshiya said.

Just then a customer came up to the counter, and Die fell back so as not to get in the way. It was a tiny elderly woman, and Toshiya certainly had a way with customers of that type. He flashed her his charming smile and even from the distance Die had given himself he could hear her giggling and complimenting Toshiya on various aspects of his physique. 

It seemed like it might be a kind of long transaction, but Die didn’t want to simply take off without finishing their conversation, so he hung off to the side, flipping idly through a music magazine from the rack. He wasn’t really looking at the pages though, his eyes on Kyo where he was perched on his stool at the register. It was the one closest to where Die was standing, though there was still an expanse of floor between them. Kyo didn’t seem to be aware of Die at all, which was nothing unusual. He never paid him much mind, which was why it had come as a shock that he even knew Die’s name.

There was no one in his line, so he had his phone out as he typically did, and Die could tell by the crease between his brows that he was frowning as he looked at it, even though his face was covered by his mask. Die was half tempted to go marching over there and ask what was troubling him.

But then the elderly woman was coming by, patting him on the arm and smiling broadly as she nodded her head back towards the service counter. “Such a _nice_ young man!” she said.

Yes, Toshiya was a nice young man, wasn’t he? That was the whole point of Die hanging around chatting him up. Well, that and he wanted to know what else he was going to say about Kyo.

Hmm, maybe this was a problem.

Die put away the magazine and came back up to Toshiya. “Another satisfied customer?”

Toshiya laughed. “Well, I learned from the best.”

“Please, you’ve been totally on your own,” Die said. “You’re just a natural.”

“Some people might just be easy to please.”

“Maybe,” Die allowed with a shrug. He leaned his elbows on the counter again, unsure of how best to bring the subject of Kyo back up without seeming obsessed.

He wasn’t obsessed.

“What’s the last actual conversation you had with him, anyway?” Toshiya asked.

Die was caught off-guard. “Who?”

Toshiya rolled his eyes. “Kyo. Little guy, purple hair.”

Die looked over his shoulder again. “Would you call that purple?”

“Magenta, fuchsia, whatever you wanna call it,” Toshiya said impatiently. “You’re harboring some grudge against him, and I’m really curious where it came from. He doesn’t seem to have anything against _you_.”

Die’s eyes widened in horror. “You talked to him about _me_??”

“Only briefly,” Toshiya said. “He asked how I was adjusting, and I mentioned what a great help you’d been.”

“And what did he say?

“Just that it didn’t surprise him, that you’re someone good to know here.” Toshiya tilted his head as he looked at Die. “What kind of nasty things are you expecting him to say exactly?”

“It’s not that,” Die said, shaking his head. “I just… I’m always surprised to hear him saying anything about me at all. We don’t talk. I feel like I don’t know the first thing about him, so I don’t know how he could know anything about me.”

“Maybe he doesn’t, but at least he doesn’t seem to think less of you for it,” Toshiya said.

“I don’t think less of him, either,” Die said defensively.

“Right. One of these days I’m just gonna lock you two in a room together and make you talk it out, get rid of whatever… _friction_ you’ve got going on with regard to him.”

The idea wasn’t unappealing.

At least Die supposed he should be happy that Toshiya didn’t seem to suspect the reason for Die’s obsession—not that it was an obsession—was anything other than some misplaced animosity.

“Someday, sure, Kyo and I can have a long, boring chat,” Die said.

“About what?” Die turned at the new voice and was relieved to find Kaoru and not Kyo standing expectantly beside him.

“Everything,” Toshiya said.

“Nothing,” Die corrected him. “Something boring.”

“Sounds worthwhile,” Kaoru said. “By the way, why are you still here? Not that I’m trying to get rid of you, but if your availability is open this late maybe I ought to rework your schedule.”

“And that’s my cue to leave!” Die said goodnight to Toshiya and Kaoru both, and then pushed off the counter and left them talking. He headed out of the store, sparing only one last self-indulgent look over his shoulder at Kyo.


	3. Chapter 3

“You’re looking festive,” Die said as he strolled into the toy section and found Shinya donning a Santa hat.

“Hmm, you’re not,” Shinya replied.

“Red hair, at least,” Die pointed out.

“It’s not even interesting at this point,” Shinya said.

“Ouch.”

“I don’t mean it as an insult. I just mean I can’t remember what other color your hair would be anyway.”

“So I should change it just to make you appreciate the red more?” Die tipped his head towards Shinya. “I wouldn’t want you taking it for granted.”

“What you do with your hair is not and never will be any of my business,” Shinya said, and it wasn't hurtful when he said it, because it was clear that he meant it just as straight as that.

“I think that’s a great thing about you.” Die pulled a ball off a nearby shelf and started tossing it back and forth in his hands. “I’m bored.”

“And yet, I’m sure there are things you could be doing in your own department instead of coming and messing with mine.”

“That’s what you always say.”

“You’d think by now you’d have taken the hint.”

“You act like you don’t want me to visit you over here, but I know you’d be devastated if I stopped coming around,” Die said.

“I think I’d live.”

Die tossed the ball back and forth a few more times, then suddenly remembered he actually had something to bring up with Shinya. “Hey, Toshiya and I were talking about you the other day.”

“Oh?”

“He said he’s noticed your lips,” Die said, waggling his eyebrows.

Shinya raised a hand self-consciously to his mouth. “Noticed what about them?”

“That they’re big,” Die said. “He was probably thinking something dirty about them.”

“Die!”

“I’m just adding it as support for my case that he’s interested in men.”

“What, you’re chasing after him now?” Shinya said, surprised.

“What do you mean, 'now'?” Die said. “Is there someone else I'm supposed to have been chasing after?”

Shinya gave him a look.

“I hope you know I don’t mean anything really serious in my flirtations with you.”

“I wasn’t thinking of me, no,” Shinya said.

Die didn’t like the way this was going at all, and hurriedly returned to the subject he’d been discussing with Toshiya. “Anyway, it came up because we were talking about music. Toshiya plays bass; he’s going to join my band!”

“That’s nice,” Shinya said. “I’m not sure what it has to do with my lips.”

Die didn’t see the point in relating the whole story, so he just said, “I couldn’t remember what instrument you play, so we were speculating.”

Shinya looked displeased by that explanation, but didn’t push it.

“You do play something though, don’t you?” Die said. “Like something you’d have in a rock band?”

Shinya nodded. “I’m surprised you don’t remember. You argued with me for a solid five minutes last time I told you.”

“I _argued_? Why would I argue?”

“Because I told you I play the drums.”

“The drums?” Die frowned. “You don’t mean like timpani or marimba or something?”

“No, Die, I mean drums, like you would have in a rock band.”

“But your arms are only as big around as drumsticks themselves!”

Shinya rolled his eyes. “This is the same argument you used last time.”

“Well, I’m sorry, I seem to have blocked it out,” Die said.

“Apparently.”

“Wait, but this is great! You can come join our band!” Die said excitedly. “Drums, guitar, bass—we’re well on our way with that!”

“No can do,” Shinya said. “Sorry.”

Die’s mouth dropped open. “What!! Why not?!”

“I’m not available.”

“Is this because of the drumstick comment? I’m really sorry about that,” Die said quickly. “Your arms are perfectly muscular, and I’m sure you have _more_ than enough strength to play the drums like nobody’s business!”

“I appreciate that, but no,” Shinya said. “Someone else just got to me first.”

Die was scandalized. “Who?!”

“Kaoru,” Shinya said simply.

It was like Die had been slapped in the face with a cold fish. “ _Kaoru_??”

Shinya nodded. “He’s really talented, and he mentioned he was trying to get a band together. I was the first person he asked, and I accepted.”

“What does he even play?” Die demanded.

“Guitar.”

_Shit!_ “Is he really good?”

“Honestly?”

Die nodded, bracing himself for the truth.

“He’s phenomenal.”

_Damn!!_ Die couldn’t let himself be defeated so easily. “I’m gonna talk to him.”

Shinya raised an eyebrow. “And say what?”

“Maybe we can work something out, where like… He’ll defer to the close and companionable relationship I have with you and let me have dibs.”

“Don’t I get to choose whose band I’m in?”

“Or we could do like joint custody, where I get you on the weekends and he can have you, like, when you’re here at work,” Die said, although it wasn’t really clear if he was talking to Shinya anymore or just to himself.

Shinya didn’t bother trying to stop him from wandering away muttering under his breath, leaving the ball he’d been playing with on a rack of toy xylophones.

Die spent the rest of the day back at his own work station, planning what he would say to Kaoru, the possibilities ranging from ultra polite, working out a compromise, to full-on tirade, demanding that Kaoru return Die’s drummer at once, and that he was entitled to Shinya on account of their long-standing friendship.

He wasn’t totally sure which version would come pouring out of his mouth as he clocked out for the day and went immediately to find his manager. No matter what, he was determined to do whatever was necessary to get Shinya as part of his band.

Coming out onto the sales floor, his name tag stowed safely in his bag, he spotted Kaoru easily enough, writing something on his clipboard as he hovered on the other side of the cash registers.

Die stormed towards him with a loud, “Hey!”

Kaoru looked up, one raised eyebrow the only indication that he found Die’s behavior unusual.

“What’s the big idea?” Die went on, and apparently it looked like he was going with the mostly angry and demanding approach.

“Big idea with regard to what?” Kaoru asked calmly.

“Shinya!”

Now both Kaoru’s eyebrows were raised.

“Since when are you starting a band anyway?”

“I’ve wanted to for a while now,” Kaoru said slowly. “Why is that a problem for you?”

“‘Cause you’re taking Shinya!” Die said again.

“I assure you,” Kaoru said, his voice a good deal quieter than Die’s, “my interest in Shinya is purely for his skill as a drummer. I’m not trying to ‘take’ him, in any sense that would threaten your relationship…”

“ _What_??” Die was thrown and disturbed by the implication. “What the fuck? Shinya and I aren’t _dating_!”

“Oh.” Kaoru looked slightly embarrassed. “Then I don’t understand.”

“ _I’ve_ been trying to start a band!” Die said. “Shinya was going to be _my_ drummer!”

“He didn’t tell me that.”

“Yeah, well, maybe he didn’t know, but if he _had_ known, he never would’ve agreed to play for you,” Die said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I didn’t know that you even had that strong an interest in music,” Kaoru said.

“I do! I thought you were content being a store manager!”

“Can’t a man do both?” Kaoru said with a shrug.

“Then find a different drummer,” Die said stubbornly. “Shinya’s been my friend longer than he’s been yours.”

“What instrument do you play?” Kaoru asked, a thoughtful look crossing his face. “Perhaps we can combine.”

“No, we can’t! I play guitar.”

“Ah, I also play guitar,” Kaoru said with a grim nod.

“I fucking _know_ ,” Die said.

“Well then, I’m sorry, but I asked him first,” Kaoru said. “It can’t be helped.” With that, he walked off to ask a passing customer if she needed help finding anything, leaving Die there fuming and still without a drummer for his band.

To make matters worse, as Die turned around, he realized Kyo was sitting there at his register, and had most likely witnessed the entire conversation, though his eyes were on his phone and he made no sign that he was aware of Die being there at all.

Nevertheless, Die didn’t want him to see him being humiliated like that. He felt… weirdly _not okay_ with looking bad in front of Kyo. It shouldn’t have mattered, and yet it did. He was almost in a panic with the determination that he not let Kyo see him being a loser.

He made sure to leave before Kyo could say anything to him—not that he would.

He wasn’t feeling in the holiday spirit at all as he made his way out of the store, and he didn’t even know who to be angry at. He was angry that Kaoru hadn’t relented and given up Shinya, but also angry that Shinya would have joined Kaoru’s group instead of his in the first place.

Of course above either of those, he was angry with himself for not having asked Shinya earlier, and for making such a big deal out of the whole thing when it was relatively minor.

Then he was angry with _Toshiya_ for absolutely no good reason at all, simply because he had been what made Die start focusing on getting a band going anyway, and maybe a little bit because he hadn’t been making much of a sign either way as to whether or not he was interested in Die’s subtle (or not so subtle) come-ons.

Finally, he had no excuse he could put into words even in his _mind_ for his anger with Kyo. He didn’t even _know_ Kyo; he still hadn’t had a proper conversation with him, but he felt judged by him even when Kyo was looking the other way, and just thinking about him made Die’s cheeks hot. Out of anger. That was the only explanation.

He decided when he was heading home that he would just turn in early, in an effort to not take out his anger on anyone undeserving (meaning anyone other than himself).

Instead he found himself curled up in bed on his phone, wanting to send a message to Shinya about the whole band issue again, but unsure of what he could say. He started typing something about how much he regretted not asking sooner, about how sorry he was for continually annoying Shinya just for the sake of being annoying, but deleted it again.

He let out an irritated sigh, and his cat chirped curiously at him from her spot at the foot of the bed. She seemed to have picked up on his unfortunate mood and Die felt a pang of guilt at her apparent concern.

Why was he even getting so worked up over this? No one had ever taken his band-forming ideas seriously in the past. Now they pretty much still weren’t, so nothing had really changed—except Toshiya. 

Toshiya was the only person in all of Die’s time working at the store who had expressed an interest in making music with him, and for some reason, Die found himself _clinging_ to that, wanting this connection with Toshiya, who really was a nice young man, after all.

Die pushed his tongue against his teeth and then clicked on the icon for one of his social media accounts, and started typing Toshiya’s name into the search bar. He found him easily, his display picture one of him holding a bass, grinning in his dangerously handsome way.

There was only a second of hesitation before Die clicked through to his profile and started scrolling through the photos, going back further and further in time. There were a lot of pictures, and posts, but there was something impersonal about them. It was mostly information about his upcoming gigs, pictures generally taken by someone else, clearly posed.

Die made sure to also check out the photos Toshiya was tagged in, and found a lot of almost unbearably _normal-_ looking shots of him out with friends, usually drinking. He followed a post from there to Toshiya’s profile on another site, where he found a few posts where Toshiya was talking about his hometown in a charming but still somehow emotionally-reserved way. Several of the photos were familiar, having been cross-posted.

Die managed to find Toshiya on three more sites, finally ending up on his twitter, scrolling through his exceedingly unremarkable tweets about whatever TV show he was following, along with posts hyping any bass gigs he had coming up (though those were less frequent in recent days).

All in all, there was nothing even remotely unexpected in anything that Die saw. Toshiya seemed to be a really nice, good-looking guy, and there wasn’t a whole lot else Die could glean from this research. He got a small idea of his sense of humor when he happened upon a handful of comics Toshiya had drawn of his friends, but, not knowing the characters, it was hard for Die to really get them. 

He still didn’t know for sure whether or not Toshiya was interested in strictly men _or_ women. There were photos of him with his arm around anyone and everyone, but none of them seemed necessarily romantic. He’d gone on a side mission looking up Toshiya’s guitarist friend he’d mentioned who had moved away. The way Toshiya had talked about him had piqued Die’s interest, made him think there could be something more to the story—but while there were photos of them together, they looked no more or less cozy than Toshiya tended to look with anyone.

Die sighed again, rolling onto his back with his phone still in front of him. Toshiya seemed like such a decent person, so cool and friendly, and Die thought he would really like to know him better. Based on his distant online persona, Die got the impression that their making music together was pretty much his only hope of forming a strong bond with him, and he _wanted_ that. He wondered, if he explained it that way to Shinya, would he be more willing to try to work something out bandwise?

He was just about to exit out of everything and put aside his phone for the night when a dangerous thought hit him out of nowhere and he froze. He selected the search bar and watched it blinking in preparation for him to type something, until he was finally biting the bullet before he could think better of it, searching for Kyo.

It did not yield any promising results, obviously. He didn’t even know Kyo’s last name, and wasn’t convinced he’d recognize his page even if he happened to stumble upon it. He broadened his search to the whole internet, typing in “Kyo” along with various combinations of whatever he could remember Shinya saying he was into; _poetry, drawing, X-Files_ …

Nothing. There was nothing he could find on _any_ social media as he trudged through his coworkers’ friends lists on Facebook and scrolled through countless photos on Instagram. Nothing, again and again. He seemed to have no online presence at all.

Die had spent the better part of an hour fruitlessly searching for any account of Kyo’s whatsoever, and had ended up on twitter again, scrolling through everyone who Shinya followed. He was about to give up when one username caught his eye— _kyotonote_.

It seemed like some kind of play on words, and as he clicked on it, he recognized Kyo in the profile picture, his tuft of aqua green hair visible, though he had his face covered by one tattooed hand. There was no mistaking him.

He stared longer than he meant to, found himself trying to zoom in more on the tiny photo, to see it closer, to make out the details of Kyo’s ink. The twitter itself had enhanced security so only a smattering of tweets were publicly viewable, and they were all brief and cryptic. Die couldn’t obtain any information from them in the slightest, except perhaps that Kyo had some bizarre and dark sense of humor. There were a couple drawings of a cute but creepy little character who seemed to regularly have a pocket full of candy. It was obvious Kyo had come up with him himself.

Eventually he came to one more selfie. Kyo’s face was still hidden in this one, but Die was able to zoom in on it, and didn’t know how long he had been studying the flawless line of Kyo’s jaw, just visible beyond the edge of his hand, when he realized what he was doing and hurriedly closed out of twitter and tossed his phone on the bed. He looked at it warily, as if it had somehow hypnotized him, messed with his mind, and manipulated him into looking up Kyo like that—something he _never_ would have chosen to do on his own.

He clicked off the lamp beside his bed and rolled over to face away from the phone. Closing his eyes tightly, he tried to fall asleep, to will away the image of Kyo still burning behind his eyelids.

What was he doing? Why had he even looked him up? He’d wasted so much time just to find that nothing of a twitter account. It wasn’t like he’d had any great revelation about Kyo as a person by doing so.

But Shinya followed him on twitter. Maybe he even had access to more of his tweets, the ones protected by his security settings. He wondered if Kyo had offered up his twitter handle so Shinya could follow him, or if Shinya had somehow managed to find it on his own. That seemed impossible, but Die couldn’t ever put it past Shinya to do things that should have been completely undoable.

He was plotting how he could ask Shinya about this tomorrow when he finally drifted off to an uneasy sleep, one filled with dreams of flickering fluorescent lights and towering shelves, where he was stretching and shrinking and stretching again, whatever he reached for always just out of his grasp.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments so far, guys! I'm super happy that y'all are enjoying it.   
> If I didn't make it clear before, this is going to be really long, like the longest thing I've ever written probably, so hearing that people are having fun reading it is the best thing for me. <3

Die was exhausted as he kept to his own department for once. His sleep hadn’t been at all restful, and he really regretted how much time he had spent digging through social media the night before. He ran a hand through his hair as he regarded the two customers approaching his station's single register.

They were kids, obviously, couldn’t be out of high school yet. They shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot as they put their alcoholic purchases up on the counter for Die to scan. One of the guys looked nervously to the other, fidgeting with his wallet in his hands.

Die figured he was ready with his fake ID, that he expected Die to ask for it, but instead Die just scanned them through, and smiled as he told them their total.

Their relief was palpable as they handed over the cash and thanked him before rushing out with their bagged beverages.

Die watched them go without judgment. He knew if Kaoru caught him failing to card kids like that for their alcohol he could get in pretty significant trouble, but he just didn’t think youth should be inhibited, so unless Kaoru was literally there, standing over his shoulder, he never carded anyone.

Just as he was moving to throw away their unwanted receipt, the jingle of approaching keys came into Die’s earshot and his stomach did a neat little flip as he tried to ready himself for whatever Kyo might need to come speak to him about. But then he thought somehow the rhythm sounded… off. At first it had sounded like Kyo’s keys, but they didn’t sound the way they usually did, and he turned at the last moment to find Shinya walking towards him instead.

“Shinya!” Die said, his brow furrowed. “Why do you have keys?”

Shinya paused. “You heard me coming?”

Die kept frowning at where the ring of keys was clipped to Shinya’s belt loop. “Are those Kyo’s keys?”

When he looked back up, Shinya was making a strange face. “How. On earth. Can you tell these are Kyo’s keys?”

Die shrugged defensively. “I’ve borrowed them before when I was working guest service. They have that keychain on them.” He made a vague gesture towards it.

Shinya looked down at the keys, picked out the keychain of a character from a popular anime, and shook his head, but didn’t argue. “I was borrowing them so I could get more gift cards from the storage room for the display over in Toys, but I haven’t given them back yet. I came to ask for your assistance, actually.”

“Mine?” Die said in surprise.

Shinya nodded. “Your English is a lot better than mine. There are these foreign parents over there, and we’re… not communicating well.”

“Oh! Yeah, I can help.” Die came around his little counter and started walking with Shinya back to the toys section. He wanted to say something about his discoveries (or lack thereof) the night before, but wasn’t sure how to segue into that. “Gift cards are going fast, eh?”

Shinya shrugged. “It’s the holiday season. I guess they’re more popular every year.”

“You’re probably getting a lot of action in Toys though,” Die said. “More people are buying booze, too.”

“People buy more of just about everything this time of year,” Shinya said.

“Must suck to be a cashier,” Die said, feeling he’d finally found his in. He paused for what he deemed an appropriate few seconds, then, “Hey, that reminds me, guess who I found on Twitter last night.”

“Kyo.”

Die scowled. “How did you know?”

Shinya rolled his eyes. “Lucky guess.”

“He doesn’t seem to have much of an online presence,” Die said.

“No, I guess not,” Shinya said.

“You follow him on Twitter?” Die asked, as if he didn’t know, as if that wasn’t the only way he’d managed to find him.

“I do,” Shinya said. He didn’t say anything further to indicate whether he’d been invited to do so or come to it on his own.

They arrived in the toys department, and Shinya pointed out the couple who were comparing packages with a pair of puzzled expressions on their faces. Die went to help them, though his mind wasn’t really focused on the interaction. He was trying to figure out how he could get Shinya’s _phone_ away from him long enough to see what Kyo’s Twitter looked like if one was following it.

He knew rationally that wasn’t the way to do things. The sensible thing would have been to just send Kyo a request, be invited himself to follow him, so he could read those protected tweets to his heart’s content.

He also knew that there was no kind of guarantee that following Kyo on Twitter would bring that much about him to light. Maybe it just meant there would be even more vague and half-sinister posts, more creepy-cute doodles and artistically-lit selfies where Kyo’s face wasn’t quite distinct.

But even with this knowledge, the way Die seemed to want to act with regard to Kyo wasn’t always based staunchly in reason. He didn’t even know why he wanted to see his Twitter. He didn’t know why, except that he needed to know more about him by any means available.

In the end, Die felt confident he was able to help the customers find whatever it was they were looking for, and he was just heading over to put the option they’d decided _not_ to buy back on the shelf, when a voice behind him stopped him dead in his tracks.

“Your hair’s down today.”

Die took a second to breathe out and spun around to see Kyo standing there, his head tilted as he looked at him. Without his keys, he had been able to approach silently; Die had never heard him coming.

Die didn’t know how to respond to what really wasn’t a question at all, and just kind of nodded. “Yep.”

“Huh.”

Die could feel the blood trying to rush to his face, and did his best to will it away. Already, Kyo was moving on, turning to walk towards Shinya, and Die heard only just barely his indistinct voice as he requested his keys back.

He was shaken by Kyo’s observation. It indicated once again that Kyo paid enough attention to know what Die’s hair looked like usually, but didn’t give any information as to how he _felt_ about it. There hadn’t been a compliment bundled up in there, or a criticism; Kyo had merely stated the fact about Die’s appearance and went on his way, and Die was _immensely_ uncomfortable with such an interaction. 

Die was still running a hand self-consciously through his hair when Shinya came over to give him a purely judgmental look.

“If you’re gonna be so weird about it, why don’t you just say something to him?”

Die looked up distractedly. “What?”

“Kyo. At least talk to the guy.”

“Weird about it?” Die stammered for a few seconds. “If-if anyone is being weird, it’s him! Did you see what he said to me just now?”

“That your hair is down? It is.”

“So why does he have to comment on it?”

“Does that bother you?” Shinya seemed genuinely curious. “It’s unusual for your hair to be down. It doesn’t seem strange to me that he would notice. I noticed.”

“But you didn’t say anything about it!”

“Because I don’t really care.”

“So why would he care then?” Die said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Shinya sighed. “I don’t think you really need to read so much into everything he does. You act like he’s out to get you. I think you would feel less like that if you bothered having a conversation with him.”

“I don’t have some huge grudge against him, you know.”

“I never said you did,” Shinya said flatly.

Die pushed his tongue against his teeth. He didn’t like the way that Shinya always seemed to understand things about him that he couldn’t figure out himself. This seemed like one of those times, and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with it. “Did you need my help with anything else?”

Shinya shook his head and waved Die on his way, utterly unconcerned by his emotionally flummoxed state. 

The next hour passed uneventfully, not that Die would have been all that aware of any events if they had happened. He was thinking about the repetitive advice he had heard from everyone on the subject: that he needed to _talk_ to Kyo, and get to know him. Maybe if he did that, he reasoned, he could get over this disturbingly consuming fascination he had with him. He could find out there was nothing all that bewitching about the little cashier, and move on with his life.

The problem with this was he didn’t have the first idea how to start a conversation with him. He was intimidated, if he was being perfectly honest. He didn’t want to say something embarrassing, or make Kyo think less of him. It was the same thing that had made him irrationally angry with Kyo before, when he worried that Kyo had witnessed his talk with Kaoru. Maybe they were all right, and he needed to make nice with Kyo in order to move forward from this.

He didn't feel confident enough in his knowledge of sci-fi to try and strike something up with that. He could make an attempt at talking about the new Star Wars movie, but it would probably just end up making him look ignorant.

Maybe he could talk about something at work? Surely they had something in common here at the store enough to carry out a conversation.

He was still thinking about it when he went on his break, planning how he would offer to help Kyo with stocking gift cards since they had been short on them up in the front—but his brain stopped forming this plan as he stepped into the break room and found Kyo sitting there wearing goddamn reading glasses, frowning down at a huge textbook open on the little table in front of him.

Fuck, when did he start being so fucking _cute_?

Die shook his hair back behind his shoulders and strode confidently over to sit at Kyo’s table. “Hey.”

Kyo glanced up at him and the little furrow between his brows faded. “Die, hey.”

“What’s all this?” Die tapped the open book.

“Studying,” Kyo answered. “I hate it.”

“For a class, or…?”

“Just stuff I need to know.”

“Then I’ll help you!” Die picked the book up and turned it to face him. He’d half expected Kyo to stop him, but he merely tilted his eyebrows in skepticism and watched. Die tried to find some words to focus on on the page. “All right, pop quiz, so when the fabric is cut at a forty-five degree angle, diagonal across the lengthwise or crosswise grain, it is said to be… cut on… what… the fuck?” He flipped the book shut to read _TEXTILES_ printed in large letters across the front cover.

“It’s called cutting on the bias. What?”

“What is this?” Die asked again.

“What’s it look like?” Something amused twinkled in Kyo’s dark eyes. “I’m trying to study up on fashion, and that includes the technical stuff.”

“I didn’t know you were into fashion,” Die said. He felt stupid as soon as it was out of his mouth.

Kyo gave him a look that seemed to suggest he agreed.

“I guess I don’t actually know anything about you,” Die said sheepishly, looking down at the book.

“Well, why would you?”

“You’re right,” Die said. “I’ve never bothered to ask.”

Kyo shrugged. “We’ve never really talked. It’s not like we work all that closely.”

“Still,” Die said, “I’m sorry I haven’t tried to know you better, like I have with some of our other coworkers.”

Kyo made no visible reaction to that, and Die floundered for a moment, trying to figure out where to go from there.

Finally he went with, “So… What part of fashion are you interested in? Business, design, something else?”

“Design, mostly,” Kyo said. “Though aspects of fashion modeling and photography have potential to be interesting as well.”

That seemed in line with what little Die knew of Kyo’s artistic inclinations. “Who would you design for?” he asked next. “High fashion, like runway, or more practical? Men, women?” He couldn’t seem to stop himself from asking everything he was thinking, feeling almost afraid that if he didn’t take the opportunity to show a real interest in this now, he might not get another one to talk to Kyo about what was apparently a passion of his.

Kyo didn’t seem perturbed by the interrogation, saying easily, “I’d rather design things that could be worn by both men and women.” He tugged absently at a small gold hoop in his left ear. “Such divisions are entirely pointless as far as I can tell.”

Die was staring, and he knew it, but it felt like it was out of his control. He forced himself to nod stiffly.

“And preferably it would be something people could actually wear, rather than runway fashion.”

“I’d buy something from your line,” Die said abruptly.

He could tell Kyo was smirking even with his mask covering the lower half of his face. “Glad to hear it. Good to know I’ll at least have one customer.”

Die could feel his body heating up, trying to blush in front of Kyo for the second time in one day, and he wanted so badly to get out of dodge before that happened that he pushed himself up from the table and said loudly, “I have to get back to work.”

Kyo simply nodded and turned the book to face towards himself again, not bothering to wave goodbye as Die hustled out of the break room.

It was still a few minutes until Die actually had to get back to his station. He spent the time leaning against the wall near the staff restrooms, staring into space and finger-combing his hair restlessly. It wasn’t like him to be so affected by someone. He was used to being the one making _others_ flustered. Not that he was the type to abuse that power, but he wasn’t ignorant of his own attractiveness, and he knew how to play it up when the mood struck.

This business with Kyo was some kind of uncharted territory, where he was the one all weak and fumbling over his words. And there was nothing about it that made sense to Die, really. He’d known Kyo all this time and hadn’t been so drawn to him before, hadn’t found him standing out like the brightest star in every constellation, but he was stuck now. He felt something in him tugging, trying to force him back just to be near Kyo again, and something else warning him to keep his distance, to run as fast and far as possible so he wouldn’t be dragged beneath a tumultuous surface and left without air and without escape.

He returned to his department, and spent the rest of the workday more focused on his actual job than he typically was. Instead of wandering around and flirting and otherwise goofing off, he kept busy, organizing his shelves and cleaning everything behind the register until it looked brand new. It made the time pass faster, which was all he could really hope for, and before he had the chance to sink into any abysmal mood, his shift was ending and he was heading into the back to clock out. It was the beginning of his weekend, and he had rarely looked forward to two days off as much as he did now.

“Gettin’ out of here?” Toshiya asked good-naturedly as he passed him in the hall.

Die paused to talk to him. He hadn’t seen Toshiya all day. With everything else on his mind, he’d honestly more or less forgotten about him, and now he felt oddly guilty about that fact. He knew he didn’t owe the other man anything—hell, he still didn’t even know for sure if Toshiya was interested in men—but hadn’t he determined to focus his attentions on Toshiya rather than pursue something else, something even more intangible? Why didn’t he ever listen to the parts of his brain that were trying to talk some sense into him?

“It’s been a long day,” Die said.

Toshiya nodded. “My shift only started a few hours ago, and I’m already feeling that.”

“It’s probably the holidays,” Die said, although he knew for him it wasn’t about that at all.

“That must be it,” Toshiya agreed. “They’ve really snuck up on me this year.”

“You doing anything for Christmas?”

“Working?” Toshiya laughed. “Not much of a celebration, but I don’t have family in town, so I don’t really mind the hours.”

“Ahh, that’s a rough shift though,” Die said, wrinkling his nose. He could remember a number of Christmases he’d worked at the guest service counter over the years, and none of them had been particularly pleasant. It was only by some miracle that he’d managed to get the holiday off this year, and while he’d considered taking the chance to catch a flight and make it out to see his parents, he'd decided in the end he’d rather just have the extra time for himself. “Hope it passes quickly for you.”

“I sense the voice of experience.”

“Too many times.”

“At least you’re off now!” Toshiya said, and his smile really was bright and lovely. “Any plans for the evening?”

Die didn’t have any plans besides getting far away from the store and definitely _not_ getting back on social media to torture himself wading through undetailed profiles and seeking answers that just weren’t there.

“I have the next couple days off, actually,” Die said, digging his sunglasses out of his bag, despite the fact that it was already dark outside. He hung them from the collar of his t-shirt. “So I’m looking forward to a solid forty-eight hours without any obligations whatsoever.”

Toshiya looked kind of surprised by that answer, and Die wondered if he’d said the wrong thing. Certainly it had made him sound boring and negative, which wasn’t the impression he meant to give off.

“Oh, I’m off tomorrow, too,” Toshiya said, but Die couldn’t read the voice he used well.

What if that had been his opportunity to ask Toshiya out like he’d been thinking about doing, and he’d just blown it by saying how excited he was to stay home and do nothing?

Die opened his mouth to backpedal, but Toshiya was glancing down at his phone.

“I’ve gotta go, actually. Wanna use the restroom before my break ends.” Toshiya smiled again. “You enjoy your laid-back weekend.”

“Yeah… Thanks,” Die said, less than sure of himself.

Straightening his hair where it fell around his face, Die pulled his bag up higher on his shoulder and came out from the staff area of the store, heading for the front doors. Usually he enjoyed his job as much as anyone. Maybe it was just retail, but he liked the people with whom he worked, and he always knew how to make it fun for himself. If he was this relieved to be getting away from it for a couple days, he thought he might need to reevaluate how he was making the job enjoyable.

“What’s this?" The words cut through Die’s thoughts, the tone too light for the voice to be fully familiar, and before he could stop himself, he was turning to find Kyo standing at the edge of the checkout lanes, his arms crossed over his chest, and an expression on his face that seemed almost… playful. “Die, you leavin’ me?”

The words shouldn’t have meant anything at all to Die. They should have rolled off his back as he laughed along with Kyo, but instead they paralyzed him, especially combined with Kyo’s face—and the fact that he could _see_ his face. It took him a beat to get his brain back online and say, “Yeah, it’s my Friday, I’m out of here for the next couple days.”

Kyo actually _pouted_ , and let out a shockingly sincere sounding, “Aw.” He half-smiled a second later and waved as he said, “Enjoy your weekend then!”

Die just nodded dumbly and watched as Kyo turned back to the registers. He saw him pull his mask back up over his mouth and nose as he walked over to help another cashier who was signaling for assistance, and something flickered inside him at the thought that he was privileged enough to see Kyo without his mask, when another coworker wasn’t. What had he done to earn such an honor? He found himself rooted to the spot, sure there was nothing he would regret more than turning his back on Kyo and walking out of the store.

Which was ludicrous, as he reminded himself, and with a somewhat forceful exhale, he propelled himself out through the front doors and into the chilly evening.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously though, y'all's comments make me so happy, you don't even know. <3<3<3  
> Enjoy!!  
> (Note that the rating has gone up as of this chapter)

“You’re telling me you’ve _never_ fooled around at work?”

Die’s head snapped up and he looked at Toshiya in disbelief. “By ‘fooled around’ you mean… I—what do you mean?” he stammered.

Toshiya cocked his head. “You know what I mean.”

A near embarrassing sound came out of Die and he shook his head. “I don’t especially want to get fired, or potentially in _legal_ trouble, so no, I really haven’t.”

Toshiya rolled his eyes, leaned into Die’s space a little. “You make it sound so serious. It could be something discrete, slip off for a few minutes into the back and no one’s the wiser! Besides, Kaoru doesn’t seem like he’s that big on discipline.”

“I’m not looking to test his limits in that respect,” Die said. He was kind of struggling to even process the conversation they were having, and tried to put his attention back on his task; he was helping out in guest services, sorting items that needed to be re-shelved, based on their department. 

But somehow it had ended up that Toshiya was just standing by, watching him work, chatting in what had been an idle manner until this change of topic. He couldn’t remember how this had even come up, and wasn’t sure whether he should be deeply uncomfortable or slightly turned-on.

The store was slow; there hadn’t been a guest coming by in ages, so they weren’t likely to be overheard, but the threat of some reprimand for sexual harassment wasn’t something about which he was particularly excited.

“I wanna show you something,” Toshiya said, suddenly pulling Die from his train of thought. 

Die looked at him warily, then back down at his shopping cart full of unsorted merchandise. “I really need to get a container for some of these loose items…”

“I have some in the back.” Toshiya nodded to the area on the other side of the shelving units behind the counter. “Those plastic tubs.”

Die followed him around the shelves, and maybe he should have been expecting what happened next, but nothing about the day really seemed to be going in a direction that he could get a grasp on, so his gasp of surprise as Toshiya slammed him against the wall was rather loud.

“See, that wasn’t so difficult, was it?” Toshiya whispered before starting to bite up along Die’s neck.

“Wh-What are you _doing_?” Die hissed, though he couldn’t claim to make even a feeble attempt at pushing Toshiya away, his grip only tightening on the fabric of Toshiya’s button-down.

“Having a little fun?” Toshiya nipped Die’s earlobe. “Trying to make the work day go by a little faster…” His hand traveled down Die’s side, fingers hooking in the waistband of his slacks.

“This isn’t a good idea!” It came out as almost a squeak and Die would have been embarrassed if he’d had any room in his brain for such an emotion.

Toshiya leaned back to get a better look at Die’s face. “You realize if you keep making so much noise, we _are_ gonna get caught.” He raised an eyebrow. “Maybe that’s what you want?”

Die shook his head somewhat frantically. While he could admit that Kaoru had a certain sexiness about him, the thought of getting caught in a situation like this was anything but arousing. His eyes darted around the walls of their hideaway. It was a fairly secluded spot, but still…

“We’re going to end up caught anyway,” he said, swallowing as Toshiya leaned in to mouth at his neck again. “There are cameras all over the store. We’re so dead.”

“Mm, there are,” Toshiya said, “But even though it would be hot as fuck to watch this security footage, I’m afraid no one will have the chance.” He gestured with one hand to the shelf to their right, then nodded his head towards where the wall ended on their left. “This exact spot isn’t picked up by any of the cameras. So as long as I stay close enough to you…” He rolled his hips once against Die’s, “No one will see a thing.”

Die made a rather pitiful sound at that, but he couldn’t argue. He couldn’t imagine why Toshiya would know something like the precise location at which the cameras stopped picking up. In all his time working at the store, he’d never thought to gather such information, but it was becoming apparent that Toshiya had somewhat different priorities than him.

“Now, if you’re done looking for excuses for why we _shouldn’t_ ,” Toshiya said, letting his hand drift towards the front of Die’s pants, “you could let me get started. After all, the longer we hide out back here, the more likely someone will notice we’re gone, the higher our chances of getting caught.”

Die shuddered, unable to stop himself from reacting to Toshiya’s hand as he toyed with the button of Die’s slacks. He thought Toshiya must be some kind of adrenaline junkie, and he’d just never noticed before. Somehow the possibility of them losing their jobs over this was really _doing_ it for him, and Die felt helpless to do anything but go along with it.

“And don’t act like you’re so tortured over it,” Toshiya said, somehow not unkindly. “You don’t have to pretend. I know you want me.” Nimble fingers unfastened Die’s pants, and then Toshiya was easing down to his knees. He looked up at Die’s face. “Do you want me?”

There was his out, freely offered, and maybe it would have made things awkward between them as coworkers, but Die could definitely have taken that chance to excuse himself. Instead, he nodded, whispered, “Yes,” and tipped his head back against the wall, just as Toshiya pulled his cock out through the opening of his boxer briefs.

Toshiya’s mouth felt like heaven, and Die inhaled sharply, his eyes on the ceiling. Doing his best to just _feel_ , and not get hung up on how wrong it was, he let one hand come to rest in Toshiya’s hair, relaxed his shoulders against the wall. It felt good, _really_ good, and he became aware that it had been kind of a while since he allowed himself to just receive pleasure. He was always so focused on giving before he would accept anything in return, it was sort of nice to have the tables turned on him.

His eyes kept moving around the ceiling, trying to figure out the angles of the two security cameras he could see. There was something thrilling about knowing that he was just out of their lines of sight, hidden away so close to where someone was watching, his coworker on his knees in front of him…

Toshiya swallowed around him, and Die gasped, breathing out, “Totchi…” 

Hands gripped his thighs, and suddenly things were ramping up very quickly. Die wasn’t sure how long he would last, which he supposed was probably the point with something this spontaneous. His hips jerked forward without his meaning for them to, and he let out a quiet moan. He was right on the edge now, and he looked down with hooded eyes to see—

Kyo.

_Kyo??_

No, there was definitely no mistaking it, no trick lighting in the world could confuse the two men, and Toshiya was nowhere to be seen; Kyo was absolutely kneeling there, his perfect, pierced lips stretched around Die’s cock, Die’s hand fisted in his magenta hair. Kyo was staring up at Die in that patient and calculating way that was so characteristic of him, and nothing in the world could have stopped Die from cumming on the spot, crying out Kyo’s name loudly as he emptied himself into his mouth.

Die gave a startled shout, his hips pushing up from the bed as his eyes snapped open. He let himself settle uneasily back against the mattress and stared around into the darkness of his bedroom, breathing heavily for a long few moments.

What the hell was that?

His breathing didn’t seem to be calming down at all as he lay there with his mind still full of the vivid sensations of his dream.

He couldn’t deny that he had had dreams of a sexual nature involving his coworkers before—several times, even, with several different coworkers. But _Kyo_? Never.

Sure, he couldn’t very well act surprised by it, but it made him feel tangled up inside. He didn’t like the underhanded way his subconscious had gone about sneaking Kyo into his dream, lulling him into a false sense of security with Toshiya, and then pulling the rug out from under him.

Maybe it was a sign. Or he didn’t believe in signs exactly, but maybe he could take it to indicate that his interest in Kyo was more than he really wanted to admit during waking hours.

And why shouldn’t it have been? After all, Kyo had been perfectly decent towards him, seemed highly interesting, and was obviously attractive, in this kind of unconventional way. All this time he’d been trying to distract himself with Toshiya, but maybe there was no reason for it. He didn’t even know if Toshiya was actually any more attainable.

He frowned at the thought. Was that what he wanted? To… _have_ Kyo? Even just thinking about such a thing made Die more confused.

He sighed and dragged the covers off himself so he could get up and use the bathroom. His dream had left him hard, but he didn’t think he could really finish with how flummoxed he was by the entire business. Instead he went and took a piss, washed up, and splashed some cool water on his face, hoping it might clear his head a little. He studied himself in the mirror afterwards, the bags under his eyes and the general tiredness of his appearance. It felt more significant than it should have, given the hour of night.

He flicked the light off and meandered back to his bed, flopping down on his back and checking the time. Almost three am. Christmas Eve. If this was some fucked up message from the ghost of Christmas past, present, or future, they were a night early. Die stared up at the ceiling without really seeing it. He didn’t know why he was letting it all get to him.

At work he was known by most as a jokester and a flirt, smiling and laughing so easily and freely, and for some reason Kyo had just completely thrown him off, disoriented him. Now he was tired, prone to overthinking. He couldn’t decide if he should take it as a positive sign or not. If he believed in signs.

After drifting in and out of an uneasy sleep for the next several hours, Die deemed it as good a time as any to try and start his day. He showered, fed his cat, and spent some time shuffling around putting finishing touches on his minuscule Christmas tree.

When he still couldn’t get Kyo out of his head, he decided to cave and seek some help outside himself. He sent a text to the only person he could think of: Shinya.

**Die** : _Hey, Shin-chan, what are you doing later?_

Shinya tended to text back quickly unless he was at work, and sure enough, only a few minutes passed before a reply came.

**Shinya** : _What are you asking me for?_

**Die:** _I just wondered if you would want to go get some okonomiyaki_. 

Die hit send with the slightest trepidation. He figured Shinya most likely knew more about him than he did himself anyway, so he was the only person it made sense to contact—at the same time, he wasn’t sure how much he could really open up to him.

Fortunately, despite how he probably recognized the invitation as a veiled plea for help, Shinya politely ignored that detail in his response. 

**Shinya** : _The place by the train station?_

Die confirmed the place and time, and spent the rest of the day until then messing around on his guitar.

 

Shinya hadn’t arrived yet when Die got to the restaurant. He had been worried that he would go try to stalk Kyo’s Twitter again if he stayed at home with nothing better to do, so he’d ended up heading out early. When Shinya showed up, he looked only mildly surprised to see that he hadn’t beaten him there.

“Enjoying your day off?” Shinya asked as they made their way to a table.

“Immensely,” Die said drily. “But as you can see, I missed you. Couldn’t keep away from you for even a day.”

“Hm.”

Die looked down at the teppan between them, held a hand a few centimeters above it to feel it heating up. “Actually, I… need some advice.”

“Oh?” Shinya sounded far from shocked.

“It’s just, um.” Die frowned, trying to find the words. “There’s someone I guess maybe I might be kind of interested in, but I don’t know… what I should do with that.” He called the server over to take their order, and then sat back in his chair and let his gaze fall on the table once more.

“Which one?”

Die looked up, confused. “Which one what?”

“Toshiya?” Shinya narrowed his eyes. “Or Kyo?”

“I—you—Not that you should even be able to do that, but fine, yes, Kyo.” Die shifted uneasily and looked away.

“Figured as much,” Shinya said. “Giving up on your Toshiya project then?”

“He wasn’t a project.”

“No, but you were definitely studying him,” Shinya said.

“He’s a good-looking guy,” Die said, somewhat defensively. “I thought maybe he could be something. This Kyo stuff honestly kinda blindsided me.”

Shinya gave him a look. _He_ apparently had not been blindsided. “Fine then. Tell me what finally brought it crashing into your direct line of sight.”

Die wasn’t about to relate his erotic dream to Shinya, someone so innocent and pure that his greatest enjoyment came from helping children pick out their teddy bears, so he told him instead a reasonably extensive version of his recent interactions with Kyo, how distracting and strange they had been, how often he’d replayed them in his mind. The server returned with their order and Die worked on the okonomiyaki to give himself something to focus on, and to do with his hands.

All the while, Shinya listened without comment. He watched Die’s hands and sipped at his tea, and Die never felt like he was imposing on him by opening up about these feelings.

When Die ran out of things to say, he just waited for Shinya’s feedback, but it didn’t come. He looked at him in some panic, and found that Shinya was startled by his attention.

“This is the problem?” Shinya asked, eyebrows raised.

Die shrugged and nodded. He took a photo on his phone of his masterfully crafted okonomiyaki before serving both of them. 

“I’m sorry,” Shinya said, “but I don’t see where the difficulty is.”

Die made a few vague sputtery noises before managing, “The way he’s been acting! It’s like… so like—”

“It sounds like he’s flirting with you,” Shinya said.

Die gaped at him.

Shinya nodded his head side to side. “In his way.”

“Wait, but. You really think…? He wouldn’t—”

“I don’t know why you’re acting so thrown by it, when flirting seems to be one of your main forms of communication,” Shinya said, giving Die a dubious look. “Knowing you, you’ve probably been flirting right back.”

“I have not!”

“Maybe without even noticing it,” Shinya allowed. “But then I don’t know why you’re acting like it’s a problem.”

“I don’t know him at all.” Die was starting to feel like this was something he’d said hundreds of times, an automatic defense. At what point would he stop claiming to _not know_ Kyo, and instead make the effort to _get_ to know him?

“So find out gradually,” Shinya said. “In a book or a movie, it’s never good if they get all the exposition out in the first five minutes, is it? Take your time learning about him. See what’s there. Itadakimasu.” He started in on his food.

Die thought he would never cease to be amazed by Shinya’s ability to make him feel like an absolute fool. He made the whole thing seem so simple and obvious, just Die’s failure to see things as clear as they were. He really hoped he would be able to pay him back for his wisdom someday.

They passed the meal in friendly conversation, discussing holiday plans and the like, and Die remained grateful for how Shinya never acted impressed by a single thing Die said.

“What about you then?” Die asked as they sat drinking, their okonomiyaki long finished. “Any romance on the horizon for you?”

Shinya didn’t bother to look up at him as he said, “If there were, do you think I would tell you?”

Fair enough. Shinya was a pretty private person, after all. Wasn’t that at least partly why Die could trust him with his own personal problems? He only hoped in this case that Shinya’s advice would pay off.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this is a little late going up because I had family in town and no time at all, but here it is!  
> And have a happy Easter, if that's your thing today! <3

When he went back to work, Die put more effort than usual into getting ready. He already knew Kyo noticed him, but if he was actively hoping to attract his attention, he had to be more deliberate about it. He wore the pants that he’d been told most flattered his ass—despite his not really having one—and extended his winged eyeliner (which he usually kept pretty subtle at work) just a touch.

It wasn’t even like he was planning on asking Kyo out right on this day or anything; he was just redirecting his interest to focus on him more specifically, so he could feel out the situation. And yet there was a nervous excitement floating around him as he headed from clocking in down the hall to the sales floor. He automatically reached to pull his hair back into its regular ponytail, but stopped himself at the last second, remembering how Kyo had commented on it last time he’d worn his hair down. Maybe that had been a hint that it was something Kyo was drawn to, and he _was_ trying to catch his attention, so he left it falling loose around his shoulders, a quiet thrill going through him at the idea that this might be the style Kyo preferred. 

Die tried to ignore the tension building in his shoulders as he rounded the last corner and pushed open the door leading out to the front. He knew Kyo would be sitting out there. He’d even had Toshiya send him a photo of the schedule under the guise of checking his own time, just to be sure. Kyo’s shift had started half an hour before Die’s, and he was sure to be at his station, on his phone as usual, though heaven only knew what he did on it all day, considering his limited social media involvement.

Kyo was exactly where Die expected him to be, and yet he was managing to somehow look even more appealing than Die had remembered him. There was something in his posture that made Die want to run his hands over Kyo’s shoulders, down his arms—and Die suddenly thought to wonder whether or not Kyo worked out. His shirts tended to cover him fully, and his frame was small enough that nothing really showed, but when Die imagined those arms under his hands, he couldn’t help but be curious just how they would feel…

Perhaps his mistake was getting hung up on this concept, because he didn’t at all notice Kaoru approaching him until he was face to face with his manager.

“Die, I’ve been waiting for you,” Kaoru said seriously, and Die’s mind flitted briefly to the most recent alcohol he’d sold to customers without proper identification. Had his one man mission to let youth go uninhibited finally caught up to bite him in the ass?

“Yeah, man, what’s up?” And okay, maybe his attempt at casual went too hard.

But Kaoru didn’t seem to notice as he nodded distractedly and said, “I’ve been thinking about what we discussed.”

“Which, what is that?”

Kaoru glanced at him and then did a bit of a doubletake. “Are you—wearing eye makeup?”

“I’m always wearing eye makeup.”

“Not usually this much though, right?” Kaoru leaned in, peering closer.

Die instinctively leaned away. “No, fine, okay, it’s more than I usually go with for day wear—What were we discussing?”

Kaoru immediately looked apologetic. “I didn’t mean to insult you. Your eyes… look really nice.”

“Thanks,” Die muttered, wishing Kaoru would just get on with whatever it was he wanted to talk about.

“I always end up smudging my makeup, when I try to do it,” Kaoru said sadly. “Then I have to try to make the smudging look deliberate.”

Die stared at him for a few seconds, trying to picture Kaoru walking the sales floor with dramatically smudged eyeliner all over his face, before he remembered that he had an interest in music and performing, and was probably referring to stage makeup.

“I could… give you some tips sometime?” Die offered uncertainly.

“I would like that,” Kaoru said, though he still wasn’t smiling. “But it’s not exactly what I wanted to talk about.”

“Right.”

“I talked to Shinya.”

“Okay…?” Die felt something nervous twisting in his gut. He could trust Shinya. There was no way that Shinya would have mentioned his Kyo problem to Kaoru. There was no reason for him to, and he wasn’t that kind of person anyway. He wouldn’t stab him in the back like that.

“So the long and short of it is that I’ve changed my mind,” Kaoru said. “I think we ought to try combining our efforts.”

“Our… what?” Die had rarely felt so lost when talking to Kaoru. It was always obvious that he spent a lot of time thinking about what to say before it came out of his mouth, and that meant that communication tended to be straightforward. This time, Die felt completely out of the loop. Combine their efforts… in courting Kyo…? There was zero chance that that was what Kaoru was talking about, which meant… what exactly?

“Music-wise,” Kaoru said. “It’s fairly clear that you and I would bring different flavors to the band, even if we do both play guitar. And lots of bands have more than one guitarist anyway, look at X Japan.”

“You want us to combine our bands?”

“Doesn’t it make sense?” Kaoru frowned. “Unless you’ve found another drummer already?”

Die shook his head. “It would be hard to find someone else when I’d know I could have had Shinya.”

Kaoru grunted in what seemed like agreement. “I was talking to a potential bassist, but he turned out to be a dickwad, and I don’t think it would work out. I think I might really enjoy making music alongside you and Toshiya, though.”

Die studied Kaoru for a long moment as he considered the proposal. He did _like_ the guy; he’d always struck him as being pretty cool, and based on the couple of times they’d ended up going with a group to karaoke after a few drinks, he seemed to recall Kaoru’s taste in music being decent. He wondered what Shinya might have said to change his mind, but opted to let it go and just mentally add it to the list of reasons to be grateful to his friend.

“All right,” Die said at last. “I’m in.”

Kaoru smiled then, in a way that seemed surprisingly heartfelt and charming. “Good!” He bowed, asking Die for his favor in working together, and Die did the same.

“How will we know who’s in charge?”

Kaoru pursed his lips. “I believe I’m older than you.”

“Not by much,” Die said dubiously.

“No, but traditionally, that makes me Leader.”

“Hmph.”

“We can argue about it more at our first rehearsal, if you like,” Kaoru said. “I’ll reserve the space for us Thursday evening?”

Die supposed Kaoru would know what time worked best for all of them since he was in charge of making the work schedules, so he agreed. Kaoru said he would text him the details of the rehearsal space and the exact time later, and then went to follow up on a call he got on his walkie-talkie.

It wasn’t how Die had expected his day to begin, and he had been sorely distracted from how he’d meant to go and try some more intentional flirting with Kyo. Turning back to the registers, he saw that Kyo was sitting there, looking a bit surly. His mask was down, his phone stowed away even though there was no one in his line, and he was playing idly with a roll of tape from his drawer, spinning it between his thumb and index finger.

Well, he didn’t look busy.

Die strode directly over and leaned up against Kyo’s bagging area. “What’s up?”

Kyo didn’t really look up from his tape. “Nothing.”

“Weird seeing you without your phone.”

“Battery’s bein’ shitty,” Kyo said. “I probably need to replace it soon.”

“Ah.” Die took his own phone out, unlocked it, and considered for only a second before flipping to his photos. “Wanna see a picture of my cat?”

“Yes,” Kyo said without hesitation, and the readiness almost derailed Die completely, but he kept his cool enough to find a recent picture of the furry feline.

“Here she is,” he said, turning the phone towards Kyo.

Kyo looked. Nothing showed on his face, but he reached calmly for the phone and Die let him take it. “What the fuck.” He swiped to the next picture of her, one where she was lying upside down, paws outstretched towards the camera. Sounding almost annoyed, he murmured, “This is such a cute fucking cat.”

Die sighed in relief. For a minute, Kyo’s reaction had been hard to read. “Yeah, she’s my baby.”

“What’s her name?”

“Quila.”

Kyo looked up from the screen, nose wrinkled. “Kee-la?”

“Short for Tequila,” Die stated, holding out his hand to take the phone back.

Kyo stared at him and then snorted and passed over the device. “You’re serious.”

“Of course I am.” Die looked lovingly at a couple more snapshots of his cat, and then exited out of the app.

“Your cat’s a bit of a _boozehound_ then?” Kyo said with a sideways smile.

Die thought about what Shinya had said. Maybe Kyo really was flirting. “She doesn’t imbibe,” he said seriously, and Kyo’s smile grew, genuine and unself-conscious, all crooked teeth and round cheeks.

“I’m glad to hear that, at least,” Kyo said.

Die wanted to linger, to see Kyo smile more, wanted to get a proper laugh out of him, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw a woman approaching the register with her shopping basket, and knew he had to go. He cleared his throat and nodded towards Kyo’s customer.

Kyo followed his gaze and didn’t hide his look of mild irritation at the interruption. He pulled his mask up to cover his face, and started wordlessly scanning the woman’s items as she placed them on the conveyor belt.

Die mouthed a silent goodbye that Kyo seemed to acknowledge by blinking, and headed off to actually start his shift.

He considered making a detour and skipping over to Toys, but instead figured that as part of his expression of gratitude, he would give Shinya a break from his pestering.

The day seemed to pass faster when he was in such an upbeat mood. He rang people up without much thought, was polite to the customers here and there who were clearly hitting on him, and hardly noticed how much time had passed when he heard his name on the PA system, calling him to assist at guest service.

Die was almost surprised to find Toshiya at the guest service counter, smiling sheepishly as he approached. It wasn’t that he’d _forgotten_ about him, but his mind had been so elsewhere that he hadn’t really thought about encountering Toshiya today.

“Sorry,” Toshiya said as Die came around the counter, “I know you probably thought I was done asking for your help…”

Die shook his head. “Not a problem at all.” He turned his attention to the guest who was waiting.

It was something of a complicated transaction, involving a returned item and a gift card; it would have been tricky even if the woman had been speaking perfect Japanese. As it was, she was getting increasingly frustrated as her broken sentences weren’t understood, only getting her point across when Die was able to piece it together by picking out a combination of English and Japanese together.

As soon as she walked off, satisfied, Toshiya sighed in open relief.

“I was so lost,” he admitted. “Please know how much I appreciate you.”

“Stuff is always more complicated during the holidays, everyone doing gift receipts and all that. Don’t worry about it, it’s what I’m here for,” Die said. “Although you know, you could have asked Kaoru or someone—”

“I did! I tried to ask Kyo for help first thing, but he told me to get you, that your English was better than just about anyone else’s in the store.”

Die frowned, trying to think when Kyo had ever even _heard_ him speak English. Sure, it would have made sense for _Kaoru_ to make such a recommendation, or Shinya, but with how he’d been more or less avoiding Kyo for as long as he’d known him, he hadn’t exactly been offering to help with his difficult language barrier customers.

“What’s wrong?” Toshiya asked, catching his look.

Die shook his head quickly. “Nothing.”

“Look, I get that he’s awkward,” Toshiya said, “but Kyo is really not a bad—” 

“I know, I know,” Die said. “That’s not even a thing, forget it.” He wanted to find an excuse to leave, or at least change the subject, when suddenly he realized he had the most obvious alternate topic readily available. “Hey! Speaking of things that aren’t things.”

Toshiya quirked an eyebrow.

“I had kind of forgotten that I meant to talk to you,” Die said truthfully. He had gotten so wrapped up in flirting freely with Kyo and what that meant that he hadn’t been thinking about talking with Toshiya even though he needed to. “I spoke to Kaoru this morning, and he’s on board with combining our bands.”

Toshiya looked confused for a split second, then his mouth dropped open in excitement. “Wait, for real? Shinya too? It’s going to happen??”

“I mean, we haven’t even met up as a group, so it’s hard to say for certain whether we’ll really want to be a band,” Die said with a shrug. “But it’s in motion anyway. Kaoru said he’d get a rehearsal space for us for Thursday.”

“Is he running things then?”

“He is good at keeping us all organized.”

Toshiya nodded, still looking unsure.

“I doubt he’ll be too rigid about our creative input,” Die said. “We’ll have to see how all our ideas mesh, but I wouldn’t worry too much about him being overly controlling.”

“Well, you know him better than I do.”

Die gave him a reassuring smile and leaned on the counter. “I’m just stoked for us to start making music.”

“Me, too,” Toshiya said. “I’ve been itching to get back onstage. Think we’ll be able to get some gigs?”

“I think that’s a couple steps ahead of where we are.”

“Right, you’re right.”

Toshiya went quiet, gazing vaguely out at the sales floor. There weren’t many customers at the moment, the rush having just petered out, and across the way, Kaoru could be seen, up on a ladder, delicately taking down the Christmas decorations hung above the seasonal display. Everything was switching over to New Years, which was probably their busiest day of the whole year.

“I never even asked,” Die said, somewhat embarrassed by the realization, “how was Christmas and everything? You made it through without any major crises?”

Toshiya wobbled one hand in the air. “More or less. What about yours? Get lots of relaxing done?”

“In a sense,” Die said. With how his mind had been working overtime, “relaxing” didn’t seem like the word to describe anything about his life, but it had been nice to get off his feet for a couple days anyway. “Stayed in, had a quiet holiday. Not what I usually do, but very welcome.”

“That’s good,” Toshiya said. “You deserve it.” He chuckled and added, “I won’t deny I wished you were here a couple times, just so I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.”

“I’m sure you were fine.”

“Takumi was here, so at least it wasn’t just me,” Toshiya said. He hesitated, then, “And Kyo was honestly really helpful. I keep thinking how my first day you said I should avoid asking him for help, but there was one point yesterday, when my lunch just kept getting pushed back due to the rush, and right as I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown, Kyo appeared out of _nowhere_ and took over my station, told me to take my time coming back.” He looked at Die kind of sadly. “You don’t feel so negative about him these days, do you?”

Die wasn’t sure how to place the feelings this story stirred up in him. There was a sadness that he hadn’t been there to help Toshiya; a strange bitterness that Kyo had shown this kindness to him, meaning Die wasn’t the only one privileged enough to get his special treatment; but also something proud and affectionate, accompanying the knowledge that Kyo really was _good_ and behaved well towards Die’s friends, too, even when he wasn’t there to witness it.

“I don’t,” Die said, after what was probably too long a pause. “I’ve been rethinking how I see him a lot.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Toshiya said, seeming honestly pleased.

“So… did you need me for anything else?” Die asked, and he was unable to resist waggling his eyebrows in casual flirtation. Even when he didn’t really mean to, it seemed to be just part of how he talked to people, though he was more aware of it now than usual.

“Well, actually, since you’re here…” Toshiya smiled guiltily, and Die followed his gaze to a shopping cart tucked into the corner, overflowing with clothes hangers.

Die grimaced.

“You don’t have to,” Toshiya said hurriedly. 

“Isn’t there someone else who can do that?” Die said, not remotely interested in trekking all the way to the back with the hangers.

“There was some issue with the women’s restroom earlier,” Toshiya said with a sigh, “so the custodial staff has kind of had their hands full most of the day…”

“Where are the bins?” It was always so much worse to deal with the hangers when they were in a cart like this. At least with the bins, someone as tall and physically capable as Die could just pick the whole thing up and dump the hangers into the corral, but with a shopping cart, there was no good strategy for emptying it besides by the armload.

“One of them is full,” Toshiya said, pointing to where it stood against the wall, so stuffed its lid wouldn’t stay settled. “The other one I haven’t seen lately, so either it’s broken or someone left it in the back, I guess.”

Die sighed and started towards the cart, but Toshiya moved into his path.

“Forget it though, I’ll do it later, or ask one of the cashiers or something,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.” He was cute when he was awkward and embarrassed.

“No, it’s fine,” Die said, feeling bad that he’d made such a fuss about it. “I’m here anyway, and it’s not that much trouble.”

“Are you sure?”

“Let me at those hangers before I change my mind.”

Toshiya moved aside, and Die dragged the bin over and emptied it into another shopping cart so he could leave it empty for them to continue using up at the front. If he had to deal with one cart full of hangers, it didn’t make much difference to just do two at once instead. He supposed, as he walked towards the back, pushing one cart ahead of him, pulling the other behind, that it wasn’t such a terrible thing to do this once in a while. He didn’t miss working up front, where it needed to be worried about on a regular basis, but he was happy to help Toshiya since he had the opportunity.

In a way, he felt kind of bad about how he had abandoned any romantic interest in Toshiya, even if it had been pretty superficial to start with, and he never had any concrete indication that Toshiya would have returned his interest. After all, it wasn’t Toshiya’s fault that he had abruptly turned into Kyo in the middle of Die’s sexy dream about him.

Die fought back a shiver at the memory of the dream. It had been so vivid that even just being back in the store reminded him of the feel of Kyo’s hands on him, of his mouth—

Not that he actually knew what any of that _felt_ like, coming from Kyo. The whole thing had been in his imagination, and that almost made him hungrier for it, to know how it would really feel.

And he really needed to get off that train of thought while he was at work.

He reached the back and went through the double doors so he could start the tiresome process of emptying the carts into the massive hanger corral. If it hadn’t been such a pain to do, it could have been kind of peaceful, but really he just did his best to get it done as quickly as possible. When all the hangers were situated, he had a brief look around, in case the missing hangers bin from the front had been left somewhere, but he didn’t spot it. 

He dragged his two empty shopping carts off to the hallway where there was already a line of them waiting, and was just about to circle back around the ceiling-high shelves and make his way out to the sales floor when a certain sound stopped him in his tracks.

As usual, there was no mistaking Kyo’s keys, and Die was positive that the rhythm matched Kyo’s gait as the sound drew closer. Die waited to turn the corner, staying just out of the way so he wouldn’t crash into Kyo, and a second later, the diminutive cashier appeared, balancing an armload of flattened cardboard almost as big as him.

He jumped when he saw Die lurking, nearly dropping everything he was carrying. “Die!” He let out a breath, shaking his head. “Shit, I almost just took you out!”

Die shrugged, and before he could stop himself, said, “Hey man, all you gotta do is ask.”

With that, he skirted around Kyo and out of the warehouse back room, not daring to look over his shoulder to see Kyo’s reaction.


	7. Chapter 7

He had taken it too far. Even if he had decided he was going to go ahead and consciously flirt with Kyo, he was sure that he had come on too strong with what he’d said to him in the back room. After all, where was his sense of subtlety?

Where was his sense of self-preservation?

He’d avoided saying much to Kyo since then, in an effort to not show his whole hand at once, though he was aware it might be a bit late for that.

It wasn’t such a stretch to not speak to Kyo. He just returned to his usual habits, from before he’d really noticed him. Except for the staring. While he wasn’t talking to Kyo for fear of putting his foot (and possibly on up to his calf) in his mouth, he hadn’t bothered to stop watching him. Anytime he was up in the front of the store, his eyes would find Kyo without his permission, silently filing away details, noting things like when he trimmed just his bangs, or when a couple days later he actually did get a new phone.

Die wondered who he used it to talk to.

He was watching Kyo again as he headed for the store exit Thursday evening, Shinya at his side.

“I would point out how blatantly you’re staring, but I guess Kyo is the one person oblivious enough that it doesn’t matter,” Shinya said.

“I’m not—” Die cut himself off, sensing the uselessness of his lie. “He’s that oblivious?” he asked instead.

Shinya hummed thoughtfully. “When it comes to something like this, I think he is.”

Die couldn’t help but shoot one more glance back over his shoulder, but Kyo wasn’t looking at him, focused on bagging some items for the guest at his register.

“In ways, he’s more observant, I suppose, than the average person,” Shinya said, pulling his collar up as the door opened and the wind hit them. “Probably the artist in him, more attuned to noticing the world’s details and all that.”

Die tried not to frown. “You talk like you know him so well.”

Shinya shrugged. “On the other hand, I think he’s incredibly socially awkward.”

“Before you just said he’s introverted.”

“He is,” Shinya agreed. “But it’s more than that. He’s uncomfortable around people, says things more bluntly than is probably advisable. I think to get him to catch on to your interest in him, you’d have to be pretty direct.”

Die avoided looking at Shinya as he recalled just how directly he’d suggested he would be available for Kyo to “ _take him out_ ,” his eyes scanning the parking lot for his car. It was there on the far side of the lot, where most employees parked. He walked towards it.

Shinya didn’t miss his failure to respond. “Or perhaps you’re _hoping_ he’ll notice your staring.”

Die let out a huff of air. “I’ve already kind of been flirting, like you said. Pretty openly.”

One corner of Shinya’s mouth twitched, amused. “Oh?”

As they got into the car, Die filled Shinya in on his interactions with Kyo, and how mortified he was by what had come out of his own mouth. 

“I’m not usually like that, you know,” Die said as he pulled out of the store’s parking lot, turning to start in the direction of his apartment. They would stop at his place to pick up his guitar and equipment, then he’d drive them both to the studio for their first band meeting. “I’m usually a lot smoother.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Shinya said mildly.

“All right, sure.” Die rolled his eyes. “But in general, if I’m making an ass of myself, it’s ‘cause I’m kidding around. Somehow with Kyo, I don’t seem to… be doing that.”

“He might’ve still taken it as you joking,” Shinya said. “If he even understood what you meant.”

“He’s not stupid.”

“No, but are you sure he even heard you?” Shinya looked at him, head tilted. “You said he didn’t make any response whatsoever?”

“I didn’t give him a chance to,” Die said. “I just kinda booked it out of there.”

“I think you’re making it more than it was,” Shinya said. “If it had bothered him, he definitely would have said something.”

Die stared out at the road ahead. “I just don’t enjoy looking bad in front of him. I guess I want… I want him to like me,” he confessed helplessly.

“Think about it,” Shinya said, his voice grounding and sure. “Kyo doesn’t bother talking to people at all unless he likes them. He doesn’t play games and ‘make nice’ with people he hasn’t already decided are decent. You, on the other hand, he goes out of his way to talk to. He jokes with you and shares things with you. I think it’s safe to say he likes you.”

Die shifted in his seat, flexed his fingers on the steering wheel. “It’s just a lot.”

“You can write about your feelings in a song for the band,” Shinya suggested.

Die snorted. “Oh, that’d be brilliant. I’m afraid I’m pretty strictly a music-only kinda guy when it comes to writing. My lyrics… leave something to be desired.”

“Mine, too.”

Die glanced over at Shinya. “Guess we’ll just leave words up to Kaoru and Toshiya then.”

Shinya nodded.

From there, they shifted to talking a bit more about band stuff, and Die found out some of Shinya’s musical history. By the time they were driving from his apartment, his guitar and accompanying gear stowed in the backseat, he’d discovered that Shinya seemed to actually have more experience playing in rock bands than he did himself.

“So you’ve been doing this a while,” Die said. “Maybe we should be deferring to you as our leader.”

“I’m not interested in a power struggle,” Shinya said. “I just like getting dressed up and making music.”

“I’m excited to hear you play,” Die said honestly. Sure, he had made a big fuss about snagging Shinya for his group, but he’d never actually heard his drumming. Finding out he’d been in and out of amateur bands since high school though, he was genuinely curious what he was like. Even though he’d defended him to Toshiya, he had to admit, he had a bit of trouble picturing his bubble-blowing friend playing anything heavier than the soundtrack of _Mary Poppins_.

“To tell the truth,” Shinya said, “I think that Kaoru will be a great band leader. We only got together a couple of times with just us, just jammed and talked about music, but… there’s a sense of peace about him. He thinks before he acts, and that’s a quality I very much appreciate in a leader.”

Die nodded. He pretty much had to agree with Shinya. From what he knew of him, Kaoru appeared to be a considerate type of person, proactive but not unwilling to hear input from others, and after years of working alongside him on the sales floor, he was looking forward to working with him in a new environment.

Kaoru was already there when they arrived at the rehearsal space, though he was waiting outside, smoking.

“We’re not late, I hope?” Die said as he approached, guitar on his back.

Kaoru shook his head. “I just didn’t want to start paying for the room until I was sure someone else would be coming.”

Die gave him an exaggerated wounded look. “You have such little faith in us? When have I ever been a no-call, no-show?”

“Some people operate very differently in music than they would in a standard work setting,” Kaoru said with a shrug. “But I’m glad you’re here. Toshiya texted to say he’s just looking for parking, so we can head in and start getting set up.” He led them inside to the room he had reserved, and they set to work arranging their equipment the way they wanted.

Die watched from the corner of his eye as Shinya wordlessly adjusted the provided drumset, almost automatically, like it was something he’d done a thousand times. He had to wonder whether Shinya did everything in his life with such ease.

Toshiya arrived shortly thereafter, and once everything was set up, they settled into a relaxed sort of jam. It was easier than Die had expected it to be, the four of them working together surprisingly naturally, and with akind of energy that made him feel motivated and inspired.

He was impressed by their musicianship, finding that it wasn’t like other groups he’d tried to form, where he’d ended up feeling like he was carrying the other members. Even though it was only their first meeting, he felt as though they all played off each other with a decent balance, no one person dominating the sound, no horribly mismatched skill levels. Maybe Toshiya really _hadn’t_ been premature in asking about potentially getting gigs.

They’d been jamming for nearly two hours, and Kaoru was taking them all through one of his compositions, when he bashfully admitted, “My lyrics are… not great.” It was the first time his look of unruffled competence was the least bit cracked and Die found it sort of endearing. But then he went on to say, “So, Die, you’re welcome to change them to whatever you want.”

Die took a second to fully register that he was being addressed. “Wait, me? Why?”

“When you’re singing,” Kaoru said.

“Singing??”

There was an awkward silence. Finally Kaoru said, “You are going to sing, aren’t you?”

“Why would I do that?” Die said. “Why would you _think_ that I would do that?”

Kaoru looked uneasy then, with everyone staring at him. “I mean, I’m not going to sing. I figured you weren’t right at this moment, since we’re still figuring things out, but that when it came time…” He looked to Shinya like he might help him out, but Shinya just stared back.

“I don’t sing,” Die said.”

“That’s not true,” Kaoru argued. “I thought—I’ve seen you sing before, at karaoke. You weren’t bad.”

“That’s different,” Die said, shaking his head. “That’s for a crowd of no more than six people at a time. I don’t want to get _onstage_ in front of an audience and sing! I’m a guitarist!”

“And he did tell me,” Shinya added calmly, “that he has no talent for writing lyrics.”

“Then…” Kaoru frowned. “Well, I’m not going to sing.”

“So you’ve said.” Shinya tucked some hair behind his ear, and by how elegantly it fell, one would never have guessed he’d been playing rock ’n’ roll drums for the past hour or two. “I am not going to sing either.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to Toshiya, who had remained quiet.

He nearly jumped, then shook his head frantically. “Bad idea!! I’m tone deaf, I’m sorry!”

Kaoru frowned more deeply. “Hmm.”

“What should we do?” Toshiya asked.

Die ran through a mental list of musicians he knew, including some from the store. The handful of vocalists he could think of already had their own projects, or else were in a genre too far removed to be plausible. “There is Ataru, from the store, I know she sings…” he said. “But she plays guitar, too. I don’t think she’d be happy relegated to only vocals, and I can’t see us needing _three_ guitarists.”

“What about the guy who does the samples on Saturdays?” Toshiya suggested. “I was talking to him about band stuff last week.”

“Oh, I know who you mean!” Die said, remembering the guy Toshiya was talking about. He was usually the quiet type, but Die had been impressed by his singing the one time he’d joined them for karaoke. “He might work; what do you think, Kaoru?”

Kaoru shook his head solemnly. “We don’t get along.”

“You don’t?” Toshiya sounded surprised, and Die couldn’t blame him. While Kaoru wasn’t exactly outgoing and friendly, it was hard to imagine him struggling so much to get along with someone that he would immediately turn up his nose at the thought of being in a band with them.

“It wouldn’t work,” Kaoru said firmly. “He’s unreliable.”

Die couldn’t argue with that, and he figured Kaoru knew more about it than he did. “I guess we can post flyers at the music store and around local venues, hold auditions? I’m sure there are lots of people out there who’d love to join a group like this.”

Kaoru was still frowning.

Shinya spoke up then, softly enough that Die thought he might have imagined him, especially since what he said was, “Kyo sings.”

They all turned to stare at him. Die couldn’t find his voice, suddenly felt like his heart was beating out a rhythm Shinya had control over sitting at those drums.

“Kyo?” Toshiya said. “Like… the cashier?”

Shinya nodded.

“Sings, how?” Kaoru crossed his arms over his chest.

“Sings,” Shinya said. “Sings well. Like what we’re looking for.”

Die was shaking his head before he could stop himself. “Now, now, now, now. We don’t know that. I’m sure Kyo just _seems_ like he could be in a band, with the facial piercings, and the pink hair—”

“It’s more purple now—” Toshiya said.

“Okay, _purple_ hair!” Die’s voice had risen slightly. “Whatever unnatural color it is, it doesn’t mean he actually sings or would want to be in a band!”

“He does sing,” Shinya said again. “I’ve heard him at karaoke. And he writes lyrics.”

Die gaped at him. “You’ve been to _karaoke_ with _Kyo_??”

“Once or twice. He doesn’t like it much,” Shinya said. “He’s told me, he’d much rather perform his own songs than someone else’s. But he does enjoy performing.”

It was all starting to be too much. Here with the band rehearsal Die had finally put Kyo out of his mind for a few hours, gotten some peace, and the prospect of Kyo becoming a _part_ of that band, being _around_ when Die was doing something for himself… It was overwhelming, and Die could only think he had to find some possible escape from such a situation.

“Hmm.” To Die’s horror, Kaoru seemed to be truly considering it. “I do like working with Kyo.”

“What!!” Die said, again more loudly than he meant to.

“Die, for Christ’s sake,” Toshiya said, shoulders sagging. “For once can you just let go of whatever messed-up grudge you’re harboring against the little guy, and think about the bigger picture? He’s never done a thing to you! We can at least _ask_ him!”

Die was at a loss for what to say. He didn’t know how to explain that that was not quite the issue, so he just went quiet, staring down at the floor in resignation.

“Then it’s settled,” Kaoru said. “Shinya, you obviously know him best; would you be willing to speak to him?”

“Of course,” Shinya replied. Then, “But I would like if Die came with me to ask him.”

Kaoru just raised an eyebrow, and Toshiya looked ready to argue, but Die could see the way Shinya was tilting his head expectantly at him, and knew it was just his way of trying to drag Die out of himself. He could see the logic in it, even if he didn’t want to. It made him a _part_ of bringing Kyo in, instead of just passively letting it happen.

“I will tag along,” Die said, after a pause that seemed longer than a typical workshift.

That seemed to pretty much settle the subject, and they only stayed another thirty minutes, working out a few riffs for one of the songs Kaoru had been showing them. By the time they were packing up and paying for the room, Die had mixed feelings.

On the one hand, he’d never had such a good first impression working with some fellow musicians, and he was sure together they would be able to make something unique. But then, bringing Kyo into it… It was a delicate balance, and he could only see adding Kyo as something like dropping a monkey wrench into the blender with the rest of them.

As soon as he and Shinya were buckled back into the car, Die brought the matter up again. “You know, you could have given me some warning.”

Shinya was unperturbed. “I suppose I could have.”

“And I think it’s pretty unfair for you to drag me into it, make me go along to talk to him.”

“What, you’d rather avoid talking to him indefinitely?” Shinya said. “Like I told you earlier, the way I see it, he likes you. Having your friendly face there might make the idea of joining a band more inviting.”

“I hardly think he finds my face that enticing,” Die said huffily as he pulled out into traffic.

“Then don’t pretend you’re there for him,” Shinya said. “Admit that you’re there for _you_ , and that having someone you like so much around you all the time, in a more social capacity, would be nice, and you might actually enjoy it.”

They came to a stop sign, and Die turned to look at Shinya incredulously. “Having him there would be _nice_? Have you completely forgotten what I told you, about how he makes my brain short out and I lose my cool in front of him all the time?” He started driving again, shaking his head. “How could I rehearse when I’m so paranoid about making a fool of myself and him seeing it?”

“But being in a rock band is, in and of itself, cool,” Shinya said reasonably. “It’s a perfect opportunity for you to make yourself more appealing to him.”

Die made some embarrassed choked-off noises. “As if I even think I could be appealing to him at all.”

“If you didn’t think so, it wouldn’t matter so much, would it?”

Die scowled. “You still should have warned me.”

“I hadn’t thought about us needing a vocalist, or I would have brought it up sooner.”

“Bullshit,” Die said. “It never crossed your mind to mention that Kyo has some interest and talent in music and performing? After all the other ridiculous stuff you’ve told me, about his Starbucks addiction, and his drawings—”

“Hmm, and look at that, you’ve got it all memorized now.”

“That’s not the point!” Die said through gritted teeth. “You know my interests, you’ve known what I’m into for _years_ , and here you’ve been going to karaoke with this guy, and never told me he’s—” He stopped talking, suddenly realizing the sentence was going in a dangerous direction.

Shinya finished it for him anyway, “Never told you he’s, what, even more perfect for you than you thought?””

Die didn’t care to dignify that with a response.

“That kind of thinking just keeps him at a distance,” Shinya said. “What if, instead, you embraced what you have in common, and let it bring you closer together? Without trying to force it, without _strategizing_ your flirtation. You could just play in a band together and see what happens.”

Die remained quiet as he ran over what Shinya was saying. The idea still scared him, but Shinya was, as always, very sensible, and Die had to admit that he would rather get to know Kyo on terms like these than by trudging through whatever conversation topic he could scrounge up, always feeling like Kyo was judging him. In a way, he thought, it was just Shinya being considerate, suggesting an opportunity like this. He really always had Die’s back.

“So,” Die said slowly, “you’re really just trying to set us up.”

Shinya scoffed. “I’m sorry, no, I actually think he’d be a good addition to the band. Your feelings are secondary.”

There was something a bit comforting in that, and Die let an easy silence fall between them for the rest of the drive to Shinya’s place. Perhaps if he, too, could view his feelings as secondary, he would be less awkward around Kyo. Maybe it was worth a try.


	8. Chapter 8

Friday was Shinya’s day off. Die spent his entire shift at the store feeling like he had something ungainly and life-threatening—possibly a horseshoe crab— lodged in his throat, struggling valiantly to escape. He was sure that if he ended up speaking to Kyo for even a moment, he would burst out with something about wanting him to sing with the band, and he was certain he shouldn’t broach that subject without Shinya there, no matter how convinced Shinya was that Kyo “liked” Die.

Instead, as he meandered around the front lanes of the store on a mission to return some abandoned shopping baskets, Die stuck to his old habit of keeping a safe distance, and _watching_ Kyo, careful to make himself scarce before he ever looked his way. He was getting pretty good at it, and if it was a useful skill instead of one that amounted to being creepy and that was only really good for stalking, he might have been proud of this development. As it was, he kept it to himself.

His watchfulness apparently didn’t go totally unnoticed though, because before the day was out, Toshiya was puling him aside with as serious a look as he’d ever seen on the man.

“Promise me you’re not going to sabotage this for us,” Toshiya said, much to Die’s surprise.

“Huh?”

“I know you don’t want Kyo in the band,” Toshiya said, “But if what Shinya says is right—and let’s be honest, it usually is—he could be our best bet for a vocalist. And this…” He sighed. “It’s the most excited I’ve been about something in a while. I don’t know if you realized it, but we sounded _good_ last night, and getting back onstage… It’s something I dream about.” His expression was bordering on pleading. “You’ve tried to say you don’t hate Kyo, and really I don’t even care if you do, but don’t wreck our chances of recruiting him just because you can’t stand him? Try and put it aside.”

Die felt pangs of guilt all through his body like some kind of malfunctioning fireworks. “I wouldn’t sabotage the band,” he said, after a long pause. Then in a fit of honesty, he added quietly, “It’s not that I don’t like Kyo, anyway. It’s. That I _do_ like him.”

“Oh,” Toshiya said, frowning. Then his face softened. “Ohhhh.” All at once he was doubled over with silent laughter, and all Die could do was gape at him, shocked by the sudden change.

“What’s so funny?”

“It just makes so much sense,” Toshiya said, pushing back some hair that had fallen into his face. “That’s why you’re awkward as fuck around him, why any mention of him gets this complete overreaction from you—you’re head over heels for the guy!”

Die could feel his face turning red. “I don’t know if I’d go so far as—”

“You so are,” Toshiya said, shaking his head. “But that’s cool, I’m glad it’s not just that you hate his guts.”

Die waited for him to say something like, _I didn’t even know you were gay!_ But he didn’t. Which was fair.

Kaoru came over then, perhaps drawn to the quiet presence of Toshiya’s laughter. “Everything is okay over here, right?”

Toshiya nodded, smile still wide on his face, and Die’s heart tightened with the worry that Toshiya would blurt out his confession to Kaoru as well.

Maybe it would be better if he did, he thought. Then the whole band would be in on it. Then again, that felt like a deceptive and unwelcoming situation into which they would be inviting Kyo, and that seemed wrong. Kaoru could always find out later if it was important. For now, hopefully Toshiya could keep his mouth shut.

“We were just talking about Kyo,” Toshiya said, and Die appreciated the vagueness of it, even if he might have preferred he say nothing about their conversation topic at all.

“Oh, were you?” Kaoru looked worried. “I was thinking about that whole thing. You know, I really think it would be best if you wait to speak to Kyo about the band until Shinya is here.”

“I wholeheartedly agree,” Die said.

“I don’t mean any offense to you,” Kaoru went on. “It’s just it was his idea. He seems to have a better grasp on Kyo than, well, perhaps most people.”

Toshiya was making a strange face that Die suspected stemmed from the painful restraint of not making an inappropriate joke about how much Die would like to get a better _grasp on Kyo_. The unspoken remark seemed to hang silently in the air nonetheless.

Die tried to ignore Toshiya and just nodded. “I wouldn’t dream of bringing it up without Shinya. I really wouldn’t know where to start.”

That apparently satisfied Kaoru because he merely reminded them to get back to work and went on his way.

Before he went back to his own department, Die turned to face Toshiya properly again. “Thanks for not saying anything.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t,” Toshiya said. “But like… how much of a secret is it?”

Die rolled his eyes. “This isn’t junior high. It’s not exactly a secret, it’s just… I mean, Kaoru is my boss? He doesn’t need to know this stuff about me.”

“And Kyo doesn’t.”

“Well, Kyo—” Die cut himself off uncertainly. “I’d rather he heard it from me.”

“Sensible,” Toshiya said.

“Shinya knows already.”

Toshiya waved a hand. “Oh yeah, I bet. That guy is like some kind of machine; he probably knows more than anyone in this store.”

Die smiled a little at that. “He does have a way.”

“You probably didn’t even have to tell him,” Toshiya said. He narrowed his eyes. “In fact, I bet he’s the one who noticed before _you_ did.”

“Yes and no.” Die wobbled his head side to side. “He definitely wasn’t surprised, but I think he thought I might like _you_.”

“Me??” Toshiya’s face lit up. “Wow! And did you??”

“Er.”

“I’m sorry,” Toshiya scrambled to say. “You don’t have to answer that!” He looked a bit embarrassed as he added, “I would just be flattered.”

“Well,” Die said, debating just how honest he felt like being today. “I mean, you are very attractive. Obviously you know that.”

Toshiya beamed.

Die took the opportunity to leave on a positive note.

Back at his home base, surrounded by bottles upon bottles of comforting booze, it was easier to not think about Kyo. They had just gotten a new brand of whiskey in the most recent shipment, and Die made conversation with a handful of guests, pointing it out, offering it as a new option. None of his regulars could recall having tried it before, and Die determined he would try it himself so he could form an opinion and better recommend it to others.

So it was that at the end of the day, once he had clocked out, Die found himself back up at the front lanes, a bottle of whiskey tucked under his arm.

He wasn’t going to get in Kyo’s line. 

He would sooner take his purchase over to the guest service desk, and make them check him out over there.

It was slow enough that none of the checkout lanes had a long line, so there was no need at all for him to end up at Kyo’s register—so he honestly had no idea how the hell it happened.

But there he was, and Kyo was so much more gorgeous up close like this rather than from the distance he’d been keeping all day, that he was almost gaping at him.

He just barely got a grip on himself, and managed instead to focus on Kyo’s hands as they moved, picked up the bottle of whiskey, and ran it across the scanner. He’d never taken that much time to look at Kyo’s hands before, and now he saw how _pretty_ they were, tattoos stretching out even to the fingers of his right hand while his left remained bare.

Luckily, some part of Die’s brain was with it enough to have his ID ready, and it was only upon glancing at it that Kyo looked up and really noticed him.

“Die! Hey, I didn’t even know you were here today,” Kyo said. With his mask on, it was hard to tell whether he was happy to see him or not.

“Oh, yeah, just gettin’ off work now,” Die said. He tried to look away, to hide the guilt he felt at having deliberately kept away from him so much that Kyo hadn’t realized he was at the store, but it was hard to look away from Kyo.

Kyo hummed noncommittally and turned his eyes back to Die’s ID. “Your birthday just passed,” he said—an observation, like so many things he said—and handed the card back to Die.

“Oh, yeah.” Die nodded and slid the card back into his wallet. “Last week.”

Kyo blinked at him, as if that were a proper response, and told him his total for the whiskey.

Die pulled out the money, setting it on the little plastic tray provided, and said, “What about you?”

Kyo looked up briefly from his attention to the register.

“I mean your birthday,” Die said. It was awkward having to carry 80% of a conversation himself, but not speaking at all felt like a wasted opportunity. “When is it?”

“February.”

“That’s not too far off,” Die said lamely.

“No, not really.”

Die was clinging to what Shinya had said, that Kyo liked him, that he wouldn’t even say what little he did if that weren’t the case. He wanted to ask if Kyo had heard what he’d said in the back room, but he couldn’t begin to think of how to phrase such an inquiry, and before long, Kyo was handing him his receipt.

“So, was this you buying for your cat?” Kyo asked as he passed over the bag with Die’s purchase.

It took Die a second to understand the question, and then he gave an embarrassed laugh. “No, I told you, she doesn’t drink.”

“Guess Whiskey isn’t her namesake anyway,” Kyo said.

“That’d be a kind of cute name though,” Die said, trying to work past how pleased he felt that Kyo remembered his cat’s name.

“You’ll have to get her a friend.”

“Maybe so.” Die lingered. There was nothing else for him to get from Kyo, but there wasn’t anyone behind him in line, and he didn’t want to leave.

Their awkward silence was interrupted by one of the other cashiers leaning over the little wall around Kyo’s register. “What do you think, Kyo? You’re a guy.”

He looked at her in mild surprise, a raised eyebrow his only response.

Another cashier, Ataru, came around, leaning her hip against Kyo’s conveyor belt. “Ayasa’s having issues with her boyfriend. Again.”

Ayasa made a face. “I just don’t get it. He never takes me anywhere! We don’t go on dates, we just hang out at home!”

“I think it’s a bad sign,” Ataru said. “Like he doesn’t want to be seen with her or something.”

“But he hardly even comes over to _my_ place,” Ayasa said. “I offer to make him dinner, and he agrees—but he always cancels at the last minute!”

Ataru shook her head disapprovingly. “Any insight?”

Kyo just stared, and for a minute Die thought he wasn’t going to answer, but then he said softly, “Maybe he’s like me, and he just doesn’t want to leave his house, ever. At all.”

“Ehhh??” Ayasa seemed to hate that idea. “A _hermit_?? He’s too young for that!”

“And what, like that’s an excuse for his behavior?” Ataru crossed her arms over her chest. “No way.”

“Oh, no,” Kyo said. “I’m not saying it’s an excuse. He still needs to apologize, and to cut that shit out. But maybe that’s his feeling.”

“Die-san, what do you think?” Ayasa demanded, clearly desperate for a second opinion.

Die tilted his head thoughtfully. “Well, does he go out with other people? Friends, co-workers?”

“He does!” Ayasa nodded. “He tells me about going to dinner with his guy friends, but he never invites me to join.”

“Hmm…” Die made a face. “Yeah, that doesn’t sound good.”

“I told you!” Ataru said. “Dump his ass!”

“She’s probably right,” Die said. He looked to Kyo to see if he was going to contribute anything more, but he already had his phone out, apparently finished with the conversation. “Anyway, I’d better be getting home.” He said goodbye to the three cashiers and left before he could be tempted to linger any longer.

Die dreamed that night, conversations with Kyo, usually insignificant and casual, and they were some of the most pleasant dreams he’d had in a while. He dreamed no fewer than six different versions of him and Shinya inviting Kyo to join the band, each with a slightly varied outcome. These were more stressful as he grew less sure each time he awoke what was reality and what wasn’t.

By morning he was ready to just go to work and get it all over with. He was relieved to arrive at the store and find Shinya’s shift had started a half-hour before his own. They could take care of this without prolonging his anxiety the whole day—

Unless Kyo didn’t work today.

But, Die discovered he didn’t have to worry about that as Kyo’s voice came from behind him at the time clock. 

“Whose schedule are you studying so intently?”

Die was sure he felt his heart actually fall right through his stomach, probably getting stuck somewhere in the midst of his intestines. “Kyo. Hello,” he said.

“Hello,” Kyo replied, quirking an eyebrow.

“Shinya’s. He was off yesterday,” Die said, trying to keep the strain out of his voice. He moved aside so Kyo could clock in. “He’s back today.”

Kyo nodded, punched in his number and waited for the time clock to beep. “You guys are pretty close.”

“Well, Shinya’s great,” Die said. “You know that.”

“Mmhmm.” Kyo adjusted his mask around one ear, pulled unconsciously at an earring there.

“Anyway.” Die forced his eyes away from Kyo’s earring, uncomfortable with how he found he wanted to get that earlobe between his teeth and tug at it. “Work.”

“Work,” Kyo agreed, and they both headed out to the front.

Die wasted no time before making his way to the Toys department, more than ready to find Shinya and drag him back up to the front lanes with him.

Shinya seemed almost like he was waiting for him, standing as he was, blowing bubbles as usual, making it easy to find him. He didn’t say anything as Die walked up, just looked at him calmly, blew some more bubbles in his direction.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were off yesterday?” Die said.

“I thought it was pretty obvious by how I didn’t come in.”

“Yeah, well thanks a lot, I wish I had known,” Die said grumpily.

“What would it have changed?”

“I don’t know,” Die said. “Maybe nothing. But as it was I was just avoiding Kyo the whole day, I didn’t know what to say to him—”

“So nothing different than usual.”

“Okay! Fine, you’re right! But, can we go and get it over with now?” Die said impatiently. “Go talk to him!”

“What, right now?” Shinya said, though he didn’t seem actually surprised by the suggestion. “I’m working.”

“Kaoru isn’t gonna mind,” Die said. “You should have seen him yesterday; he was terrified I’d try to talk to Kyo without you and botch the whole mission.”

“And did you?” Shinya’s eyes sparkled dangerously.

“No!” Die was a little put off. It was like Shinya _wanted_ him to make a fool of himself. “I told you, I avoided him the whole—well, almost the whole day.”

“I don’t know what you’re so afraid of,” Shinya sighed, disappointed. “When weren’t you avoiding him?”

“Um. After I clocked out. Not that we really talked,” Die said. “But I feel like my speech ability is just deteriorating more every time I _try_ to talk to him. I could hardly manage complete sentences this morning.”

“I don’t see how you ever expect to be able to ask him out at this rate,” Shinya said, screwing the lid back onto his bubbles. “I can’t be there holding your hand through every interaction.”

Die sputtered uselessly. “Whoever even said—I’m not plan—just because—”

Shinya waved a dismissive hand. “Come on, then.” And he stowed his bubbles in the pocket of his apron and took off for the front of the store.

“Wait, we’re going _now_?” Die scrambled after him, panic striking rather abruptly. “Like _now_ now??”

“You wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.”

“But we haven’t even discussed a strategy! What are we going to say??”

“Just leave it to me. If you’re moved to add something, then feel free.” Shinya didn’t even glance over his shoulder at him.

“What if he says no?”

“Then we’re no worse off than we were before. We’ll just need to keep looking.”

It was an ultimately reasonable answer, but Die realized as Shinya said it just how much he didn’t want that to happen. Keep looking? When they could have had _Kyo_? Maybe it was irrational, given that he still barely knew Kyo at all. There was no way to know whether they’d work well in a band together, but Die had seen Kyo work with the other cashiers, had always been pleasantly surprised by how respectfully he seemed to get along with them. The only element he saw as a potential problem really was his own feelings mucking things up, but it was impossible to say how that would affect things when none of it was real yet.

Then again, maybe it wasn’t the kind of thing Kyo would be interested in doing at all. Shinya had said time and again how introverted Kyo was; didn’t that contradict a desire to be onstage? If he didn’t even want to leave his house, how could he want to get up in front of a crowd of people?

Die was still musing worriedly as they got to the front lanes. They had no difficulty locating Kyo in his usual position at his register, ignoring as much of the world around him as he could get away with.

“Morning,” Shinya said, in his soft and unobtrusive way, and yet Kyo still looked a bit startled to see the two of them standing there in front of his station. 

Kyo inclined his head politely and looked between them uneasily before settling his eyes on Shinya. “What do you need?”

“Mostly I just had a question,” Shinya said. “You still write songs, don’t you, lyrics?”

Kyo hesitated, then bobbed his head once again, with a small affirmative noise.

“I was telling Die you did, and that you sing,” Shinya said, and paused, waiting until Kyo nodded to that as well. “See, I don’t think he really believed me that you do.”

Die raised his eyebrows, turning in surprise at the sudden accusation. “I never said I didn’t believe you!”

“You didn’t _say_ it, but it was still obvious.”

Die fishmouthed for a few seconds before he could say anything. He couldn’t believe Shinya was throwing him under the bus like this. Was this part of his plan, to embarrass Die and make him look like a jerk? Die wasn’t sure he was onboard with that strategy. “Shinya, I never doubted—”

He was cut off by Kyo clearing his throat, his brow wrinkled. “Either way, just curious, why exactly were you… discussing this?”

“Oh, because we were trying to find a vocalist to recruit for our band,” Shinya said simply.

“Hm.” What was visible of Kyo’s face was hard to read as he said, “You guys are trying to start a band?”

“We already have it pretty much formed,” Shinya said. “But we had our first rehearsal and realized we were missing someone for vocals.”

Kyo nodded, thoughtfully, and looked down at his phone, though Die could see the screen was dark. “So, what kind of music are you doing?”

Shinya considered, tipping his head to one side, and Die felt suddenly moved to interject.

“Rock,” he said. Kyo’s eyes flicked up to him. “Though I wouldn’t exactly put us in a category like we’re trying to be anyone else. Whatever form we take is going to just come from us.”

“Mm.” It wasn’t much of a response, and yet Die felt confident he’d said the right thing, if for no other reason than he could see the tiny smile pulling at one corner of Shinya’s mouth beside him. 

“Original songs, then,” Kyo said after a moment, eyes on his phone again as he idly rotated it in his hands.

Die nodded, then shrugged. “Well—original music, anyway. All of us are apparently pretty shitty in the lyrics department.”

“Which is why your name came up,” Shinya said.

“I see.”

It didn’t seem like Kyo was going to say more than that, so Die prodded, “So?”

Kyo didn’t look up. “So?”

“Would you like to join our band?” Shinya said, looking ever so slightly embarrassed by the question.

Kyo was quiet again. Then, “Who else is in it?”

“Kaoru,” Shinya answered.

“Kaoru!” Kyo repeated, evidently amused.

“And Toshiya, from guest services.”

“And me,” Die said, pointlessly. Surely it was obvious that he was in the band given how they’d been talking, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from announcing it. Awkwardly, he tacked on, “Guitar.”

Kyo’s eyes moved to Die again, lingering for a long moment before falling back on Shinya. Then he blinked once, slowly, purposefully. “Yeah, all right.”

It was so unexpected that Die wasn’t totally sure he’d heard him correctly and turned to Shinya for confirmation.

“You’ll join us?” Shinya said.

“Unn.” Kyo shrugged. “I don’t know why you guys would want me, but I hope that I… can help you out.” He gave Shinya a small bow, which he returned, and then he became very interested in his phone again.

Shinya smiled, looked pleased with himself, which Die supposed was fair. Everything had gone pretty much according to plan; Kyo was effectively recruited, and it really hadn’t even been difficult. He told Kyo that Kaoru would get in touch with him regarding scheduling rehearsal, and turned to head back to his department, clearly expecting Die to follow.

And Die did follow, for a few steps, but then he stopped and went back to lean on the belt in front of Kyo’s register again.

He stood watching him for a few seconds, and then asked, “Do you really never want to leave your house?”

It was abrupt enough to startle Kyo once more, and he jerked his head up. “What?”

“You said, yesterday,” Die said, “that you don’t ever want to have to leave your house. Is that true?” It had been kind of bothering Die ever since he’d heard him say it, making him worry that any attempt at friendship would only make Kyo uncomfortable, and that there was no way he could actually join their band, if that were the case.

“I… well, yeah,” Kyo said. “I just don’t like going outside my comfort zone very much.”

“Your comfort zone being… your apartment.”

Kyo shrugged and nodded.

“So you don’t really want to join our band,” Die said.

“No, that’s—” Kyo seemed to get stuck. Die hadn’t ever seen him look flustered, but he imagined it was a bit like this. “It’s not—I do want to. I mean, there are some times when you just have to leave your comfort zone anyway, obviously.”

“Right, ‘cause how else can you grow?”

“Sure, exactly,” Kyo said. “I just… would generally rather be home than be most other places. I don’t do well with… most people, if you hadn’t noticed.” He started picking at a piece of clear tape that was stuck to the edge of his register. “Anywhere with a crowd just makes me feel kind of overwhelmed, and like I want to be back on my own turf.”

“So you won’t want to perform,” Die said, trying to follow along logically.

Kyo made a little exasperated noise. “No, I _like_ performing,” he said. “Performing is different, being up onstage, singing in front of people—it’s not _me_. I can be someone else, I can be… just an expression.” His cheeks just above his mask colored slightly, and he kept his eyes focused on the piece of tape he was still struggling to remove. “I think I would really like to be in your band, as long as you guys wouldn’t mind the fact that I’d be around.”

Die’s eyebrows shot up. “Why would we mind that?”

Kyo shrugged, and finally managed to finish getting the tape off. He rolled it up and threw it in the trash under his station. “I’ve been told I’m awkward.”

Die pursed his lips. He could definitely see how someone might say that about Kyo. Hell, he himself would have probably said some less than friendly things about Kyo not too long ago. That probably wasn’t the right thing to say now. “I think… we probably all are, sometimes. It’s not necessarily a bad thing.” He wet his lips. “We actually tossed around several names, you know. Trying to think of a vocalist.”

Kyo didn’t look at him, but it was clear that he was still listening, and Die didn’t need the eye contact.

“You were the only one we even really wanted to ask,” Die said, though he left off the bit about how he’d nearly thrown a tantrum trying to convince the others that Kyo wasn’t an option. He regretted that behavior now, and if he was honest, “I’m really looking forward to having you in the band.”

Die was pretty sure neither of them were going to say anything more, so he turned to start towards Spirits, when Kyo’s voice stopped him, soft and kind of funny—really, what kind of vocalist would he be?

“Die—thanks.”

Die just smiled back, and was on his way before he could wreck it all by doing something embarrassing, like giggling.


	9. Chapter 9

It wasn’t until after the new year that Kaoru scheduled another band rehearsal.

Die spent much of his free time until then working on music that he could bring in to share with the group, and taking cute pictures of his cat, in case he needed something in his back pocket with which to impress Kyo.

He was unwilling to admit just how much his nerves were killing him as he drove Shinya and himself to the rehearsal space for their first practice with Kyo included. Some part of him was genuinely afraid that Kyo wouldn’t show up, and that it would be his fault for coming on so strong. Die didn’t think of himself as aggressive in most areas of his life, and yet he’d put so much forethought into his interactions with Kyo lately that was hard to not see it as him making some very deliberate _moves_ on him.

Shinya, eternally considerate, didn’t call attention to Die’s anxious state as they drove, and instead obligingly provided him with distracting smalltalk.

They were still chatting when they came into the rehearsal space, Die laughing shamelessly at Shinya’s expense.

“Come on, for real? What kind of a New Years is that?”

“I didn’t find anything wrong with how I spent my night,” Shinya said. “Just because I wasn’t getting completely hammered—”

“That’s not the point,” Die said. “It’s the spirit of the thing. You had a single beer and watched Kohaku Uta Gassen, alone. That’s no way to party!”

“Perhaps I’m just not as popular as you are,” Shinya said.

Die was more than aware of just how untrue that was, but before he could start his indignant arguing, he realized Kyo was there.

He was just sitting there, against one wall of the space, flipping through a binder of music and notes that Kaoru must have given him to check out. Die hadn’t even noticed him when they first came in. Well, he supposed it was nice to know he was still capable of not noticing Kyo.

But maybe it was just because it was so surreal to see him outside of work. He looked… different. He wasn’t wearing his face mask, and he actually looked kind of _comfortable_. He was bundled up in a cozy sweater, wearing his reading glasses again, and Die had never seen him look so soft.

It was turning, as it usually did, into staring, so in an effort to interrupt that, Die said, “What about you, Kyo?”

Kyo looked up, clearly surprised to see Die, despite how loudly he’d been speaking a moment earlier. “Eh?”

“New Years,” Die said. “I want you to agree with me, that Shinya spent it in the lamest way possible.”

“You guys didn’t do something together?”

“No! See, now,” Die said, “that would have been fun! Why didn’t we do something together for New Years, Shin?”

“I can only stand to be around you so much,” Shinya said drily. 

Die waved a hand and turned back to Kyo. “What’d you have for New Years?”

Kyo thought for a moment and then said, “Hummus.”

Die had to have misheard him. “Hu…hummus?”

Kyo nodded, and there was nothing Die could do to stop the hysterical laughter that erupted out of him. Kyo just looked at him with slightly wide eyes.

“Are you kidding?! Hummus, like the spread?” Die said, trying to pull himself together.

“I was dipping vegetables in it,” Kyo said, which set Die off laughing again.

“Ohh, man. Holy shit, no offense, but that is so much lamer even than Shinya’s New Years, I kind of can’t believe it.”

“Well, I don’t really like going out,” Kyo reminded him, looking a little uncomfortable.

“I know, right,” Die said. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. “I’m really sorry for laughing so much, just… it wasn’t the answer I was expecting.”

“I guess it’s not traditional,” Kyo conceded.

“Which in and of itself shouldn’t be surprising, given it’s you,” Die said.

Kyo’s eyes narrowed a bit. “Meaning what exactly?”

Die wondered if he’d said the wrong thing. He gestured awkwardly and said, “You know, you’re… well, you’re not the most—you know what I mean, right?”

Kyo just looked confused.

“It’s not like a bad thing or anything,” Die said. “I just—compared to some people, you’re more…” Right as he was on the verge of panicking about how far down his throat he’d put his foot, he realized Kyo was _smirking_ just the tiniest bit. “Oh my god, you’re fucking with me. Well, that’s a relief.”

Kyo’s smirk split into a proper grin then, warm and unreserved. “I actually am pretty traditional in some ways, you know.”

Die didn’t think he could be blamed for his mild skepticism at that. “Oh, yeah? Such as?”

Kyo tipped his head, considering. “I prefer Japanese style homes. I enjoy visiting shrines, when they’re not too crowded.” After another second he added, “And maybe I’m more traditional when it comes to dating.”

Die was quick to school his expression to one of polite indifference, even as his heart sank. “Ah,” he said, nodding.

Kyo seemed to accept that they were done talking and went back to looking at the papers in his lap. 

Die used a great deal of concentration to keep himself from frowning or worse. It looked like even the infallible and all-knowing Shinya could make mistakes sometimes; if Kyo was more traditional when it came to dating, that probably meant he wouldn’t be interested in someone like Die. In which case, he certainly hadn’t ever been flirting with him.

In fact, Die thought, the way he said it might even have been a quiet attempt at letting Die down easy. He knew he hadn’t been as subtle as would have been wise. This might have been Kyo’s way of letting Die know it was never gonna happen, without calling him out directly. Pretty considerate.

But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

Die pushed his feelings aside in favor of getting his equipment set up. He offered Toshiya a polite greeting when he came in, but left most of his attention on his guitar and accompanying gear. 

It was only drawn back to Kyo when he stood up, closing the binder he’d had on his lap, and addressed their band leader, “Kaoru.”

Kaoru turned from where he’d been messing with his amp, looking slightly concerned by Kyo’s serious tone.

“I’m sorry,” Kyo said, and he did appear very regretful as he held the binder out, “I can’t sing these.”

Kaoru blinked, looked down at the offered binder for a few seconds before taking it from him. “Um, can’t sing… any of them?”

“I’m afraid not.”

Kaoru pursed his lips.

“I don’t mean any offense,” Kyo said.

“No, no,” Kaoru said quickly, shaking his head.

“I just would be much more comfortable writing all my own lyrics from scratch,” Kyo went on.

“I under—” Kaoru cut himself off, paused. “You just mean you can’t sing my lyrics.”

Kyo shrugged and nodded, still looking guilty.

“That’s—that’s fine!” Die had rarely seen Kaoru look so relieved. “Of course! Please, change the lyrics to anything you like! The melody too, the vocal line is yours to do with as you see fit!” He tossed the binder aside on a chair against the wall.

Kyo brightened a bit at that. “You don’t mind?”

“Not in the least,” Kaoru assured him.

“Yeah, just sing whatever feels good to you,” Toshiya said from across the room. “We’re all still feeling it all out, anyway!”

Kyo looked kind of surprised to realize everyone’s attention was on him now, and he gave a little bow, and asked them to bear with him as they worked together.

Die thought the entire thing was adorable.

It wasn’t long from there before they started up their jam again, similar to the previous band meeting, except with Kyo standing there watching. Or, listening. He made no outward reaction to the music at first, and Die wondered whether it wasn’t really his style.

They stopped to talk about structure, Kaoru suggesting they return to the A section before moving into a solo, but before they could pick back up, Kyo was speaking up softly.

“Do you think you could go back to the top, actually?”

“Of the piece?” Kaoru looked around at the others. “Um. Sure, yeah, come to think of it, that’d be good.”

Kyo smiled gratefully, and they started playing again.

As they went through the intro, Die watched Kyo sidle closer to the microphone set up in the middle of the space, until he finally leaned in, lips almost touching it as he began to sing.

And Die couldn’t have said what he was expecting, but wasn’t anything like what came out of Kyo’s mouth. Where Kyo as a person seemed standoffish and uneasy, his voice was resonant and sure, the notes slotting in against the instrumentation as if they’d been there all along, just waiting to be uncovered. It took him a minute to catch any of the lyrics, but once he did he almost stopped playing altogether, just so he could give his full attention to listening. The words were dark, as Shinya had warned, unsettling and evocative, and Die felt kind of like he was getting a glimpse of something overly personal.

As they returned to the spot where they’d left off before, Kyo’s voice changed, rising in pitch until it fell off with what Die would have called a pained shriek, leading them perfectly into the solo.

For once, Die wasn’t the only one staring as the whole band kind of fizzled out.

Kyo merely blinked back at them. “From the top again, or…?”

“Maybe, um, in a bit,” Kaoru said, watching Kyo somewhat warily. “You have… quite a range.”

Kyo shrugged, looked vaguely uncomfortable with being praised. He turned away from the group, heading for his bag against the wall. He pulled out a notebook and started scribbling something in it.

“Those lyrics…” Toshiya started, but it was pretty clear that he didn’t have anywhere for that sentence to go.

Kyo grunted in response, and Die realized he was writing down what he’d just sung, that he’d been more or less making it up as he went along. He didn’t really know how to react to that.

The rest of the rehearsal was really just the band taking shape. They agreed that anyone could bring music in to be worked up, and that once they had a rough idea of the instrumentation, Kyo could put lyrics over it. They ran through what they had a few more times, got some starts on a couple new things, and Die became increasingly aware of how badly he needed to work on tearing his gaze away from Kyo. At least occasionally.

He was just incredible to watch. As he became familiar with the music, he would hurl himself into it full throttle, bringing his voice from a whisper to a growl to a scream and back to the softest thing Die had ever wanted to wrap himself up in. If he hadn’t literally witnessed it all coming out of the same tiny man, he didn’t think he’d believe it.

And yet at the end of the practice, Kyo was smiling. He was off to the side, drinking from his water bottle, and talking with Shinya, laughing quietly at something he was saying. Even as the lyrics pouring out of his mouth had grown progressively darker, more violent, he was still standing there at the end of it, laughing and smiling as if they’d all been on a goddamn picnic.

Die had to wonder whether Kyo was entirely mentally stable.

He didn’t think it really bothered him overmuch if he wasn’t.

He wanted to say something to Kyo, but all he could think of was to ask him where he’d learned to sing like that, and the question just felt too lame to let out of his mouth. Instead he approached, smiling, and addressed Shinya, “Nearly ready to go?”

Shinya nodded and looked back at Kyo. “Where did you park?”

“Oh, I took the train, actually,” Kyo said.

“Oh! Why didn’t you say something?” Die said. “I could have picked you up!”

Kyo looked at him blankly. “It’s no trouble for me to take the train.”

“Sure, but… I mean, I’m driving Shinya already,” Die said. He didn’t mean to argue, but he couldn’t seem to help himself.

“That’s different,” Kyo said, shaking his head.

Die frowned. “Not really.”

“Anyway, it’s fine,” Kyo said. And he bid them goodnight and left in such a hurry that Die was left wondering what he’d said wrong.

“Well?” Shinya said, once they were back in the car.

“Well, what?”

Shinya rolled his eyes. “I don’t believe for a minute that you don’t want to talk about it. About him.”

“Oh,” Die said. “Kyo. Yeah.”

“Oh,” Shinya said, mockingly.

Die had to think about what he wanted to say. After a minute he said, “I guess you were wrong.”

Shinya actually looked fully at him, surprised. “Wrong? You didn’t like his singing?”

“No, I did,” Die said quickly. “Not about that. That was… man. You knew he could sing like that?”

“Not exactly,” Shinya admitted. “Karaoke is hardly exemplary when it comes to what he was doing today. But I wasn’t too surprised.”

“And those lyrics…”

“I believe I warned you his poetry was dark.”

“I was kinda scared.”

“And kind of turned on,” Shinya said blithely.

Die couldn’t really argue, so he just shrugged.

“Then what was I wrong about?” Shinya asked, a little more gently.

“About the flirting. Or about him flirting back,” Die said, frowning. He looked over his shoulder before changing lanes. “He’s not into guys.”

There was a pause, then Shinya asked, “Did he say that?”

“More or less,” Die replied.

“Hmm.”

“I’m not mad or anything,” Die said.

“No, of course not,” Shinya said. “What will you do?”

“About what?”

“Kyo,” Shinya said, his voice far more patient than Die expected.

Die shrugged again. “Not a lot I _can_ do. Just forget it, I guess.”

“I think you’re past that,” Shinya said.

“Then what do you suggest?”

“Don’t forget it.” Shinya reached out, touched Die’s arm lightly. “I wouldn’t claim I could make you any promises on Kyo’s behalf, but I think at the very least his friendship isn’t something to give up. You’ve already connected with him so much more than most people ever manage.”

Die nodded slowly. It seemed like a good way to set himself up for heartache, but he was never the best at keeping away from that stuff anyway, and then at least he wouldn’t be throwing away what he had with Kyo already. He still wanted to know him more, despite his knowledge that it wouldn’t be the kind of relationship he wanted with him.

All the same, he went back to wearing his hair in a ponytail.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my friends! I think the next few chapters after this one are kind of short, so I might try to post an extra one this week? We'll see.   
> Love y'all, as always!

Even after they’d been having regular rehearsals for a few weeks, Kyo still wouldn’t accept Die’s offer to give him a ride.

“It’s seriously not any problem,” Die tried to tell him once again as he finished tuning his acoustic guitar before rehearsal. “You might have to share the backseat with Shinya’s and my gear, but I don’t think you’d have trouble fitting.”

“As I’ve said,” Kyo returned, “It’s fine. I don’t have any issue with riding the subway. I take the opportunity to people-watch.”

“But doesn’t it just eat into your time?” Die asked unhappily. He never felt like he had enough time to get the things done he wanted to do; he would hate to feel like he was wasting even more.

“Less time home alone with my thoughts isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” Kyo said.

“I thought home was your comfort zone.”

Kyo nodded. “It is.”

“You’re really never happy, are you?”

Kyo gave him a smile then, small and sad. “Now and then.”

Die didn't know what to say to that. He wanted to make Kyo happy; even if it wasn’t something he could be all the time, he wanted to be some of that now and then, to see Kyo smile wider, more honestly. The crooked unmasked smile when he thought something was really funny.

“The offer is always out there anyway,” Die said, and then Kaoru was calling them all over to start rehearsing.

They had gotten a number of songs up in working condition already, the five of them working as a group so naturally Die figured it could only be attributed to their experience working retail together.

However it was only becoming more difficult to watch Kyo time after time, as he quite obviously poured his soul out into every syllable he sang. As he grew more comfortable with the band members (although sometimes Die wasn’t convinced he was aware of their presence at all), Kyo’s movements somehow became more sexual as well, his hips finding the rhythm of the music, graceful hands wandering over his own torso. Die caught himself outright staring, open-mouthed, more than once before Toshiya discreetly approached him during a break at the studio.

“So, you looking at Kyo all the time—is that a thing related to him performing, or more like a heart eyes emoji?” he asked casually.

“Damn it,” Die said. His eyes flicked over to where Kyo was drinking from his water bottle, not paying them any mind. “I just can’t really help it. He’s… captivating.” He rubbed at his forehead, all too aware of how cheesy that sounded.

“You sweet-talkin’ bastard,” Toshiya laughed. “You stare at him like this at the store, too?”

“No!” Die said, too quickly. “I mean… only sometimes.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I think he’s too lost in his own… whatever the hell he’s doing, to have noticed,” Toshiya said, still holding back a chuckle. “Just don’t let it distract you too much. I haven’t gotten it totally set yet, I know we have a lot to clean up still, but I might have a gig in the works for us.”

Die’s eyebrows shot up, his brain fully distracted from Kyo for the first time in ages. “Wait, seriously? What kind of gig?”

Toshiya shook his head, crossed his arms. “Very low level, nothing huge. It’s a half-hour slot at this local rock festival.” He shrugged. “But it would get us out there.”

“Yeah, that would be great,” Die said.

“And one of the people on the committee is also on the judging panel for the Battle of the Bands thing they have in May.”

“Did you tell Kao?”

“Not yet. I’m waiting till I get confirmation. The festival’s still a month out anyway,” Toshiya said.

Die nodded. “Something to look forward to, though.”

“Instead of just looking at Kyo.”

“Okay, shut up already,” Die said, and flipped him off.

 

 

It was starting to feel like Die spent almost as much time at the studio as he did at the store, though as of yet that was still far from the case. There was something homey about it though, something comfortable in the lighting, and Die found himself increasingly at ease there.

He was always happy to see that Kyo was at ease there, too, especially considering how much he knew he hated going anywhere.

Kyo looked particularly at ease at the moment, lying on his back across three chairs against the wall of the rehearsal space, head pillowed on his hands. Kaoru was out having a smoke and Toshiya hadn’t shown up yet, when Shinya had excused himself to make a phone call, leaving Die alone with Kyo.

For a minute, Die just watched him. Kyo’s eyes were closed and he was breathing so evenly that he could have been asleep, but he was lazily swinging one leg, brushing the toe of his combat boot against the hardwood floor.

“You ever think about how everything that exists has always existed?” Kyo said suddenly, and yet his voice was soft enough that it didn’t seem sudden.

“How do you mean?” Die asked.

“Even our bodies,” Kyo said. He opened his eyes, looked up at the ceiling. “All of it’s stardust, bits of broken down and reformed space dirt, and nothing we can make is ever actually new.”

“But everything we make is new,” Die said.

Kyo peered over, a curious look on his face.

“In that nothing created by me could ever be exactly like something created by anyone else,” Die elaborated. “Any story told, no matter how old, is altered, inherently colored by the storyteller.”

Kyo smiled. It felt like approval in a way that Die craved more than he realized.

“And that’s why we create and recreate ourselves,” Die said. He gestured to Kyo’s arm, where spans of tattooed skin were showing. He wet his lips, wondering how far the tattoos went beyond what he could see. “How many do you have?”

Kyo followed his gaze, shrugged, and sat partway up, leaning back on his elbows. “Been a while since I counted.” He swung his leg again, let it fall more out to the side. “Besides, it’s a matter of perspective, where one thing ends and another begins. Some blend together, you know.”

Die nodded. He wanted to trace each line, follow it to the end, and then start on the next one. “Do you have a favorite?” he asked.

Kyo thought for a minute, then smirked. “Probably my back piece.”

“Oh,” Die said. He kind of regretted asking since now he knew there was something there that he wanted to see so badly. “What… what is it?”

Kyo’s tongue peeked out, then disappeared back into his mouth. “Eh, describing it… You’ll see it sooner or later.”

“Sooner, hopefully,” Die said, before he could stop himself.

Kyo just looked at him, eyes glinting. “Is that really what you want to see?”

Die swallowed. What were his other options?

As if in answer to this internal question, Kyo pushed himself up to a sitting position. He kept his eyes on Die’s as his hands traveled silently to his own belt, undoing it achingly slowly.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Die said, watching with rapt attention.

“This isn’t what you want?”

Die shook his head hurriedly. “I mean, it is. Go on, please.”

In another few seconds, Kyo’s belt was open, and his fingers were moving on to his fly. The room was silent save for Die’s own uneven breaths. 

This was insane. At any second, the rest of the band could come back, and Die didn’t want to imagine what a single one of them would have to say about finding them like this. But he didn’t want Kyo to stop either.

Kyo stood when his fly was fully open, inched his pants down just enough to take out his cock.

Die gasped at the sight of it, even though he’d known where all this was heading. It was gorgeous, longer than Die would have expected, even though it wasn’t fully hard, and Die gripped the edges of the plastic seat of his own chair, just to stop himself from trying to move towards Kyo, to touch him. He hadn’t been invited to touch.

Kyo smiled, just a twitch of his mouth, as he took himself in hand. “You like just looking?”

“I like—whatever you want me to do,” Die said. He wished he had something clever to say, but he counted it as a feat that he was managing to make any words at all when he could barely take his eyes off Kyo’s hardening dick.

“Mm.” Kyo rolled his hips sensually. His cock made his hand look small, delicate, the way his fingers wrapped around the thick length of it. “I do like how you watch me.” His head tipped back, but his eyes stayed on Die. “Come here.”

As if pulled by strings, Die got to his feet and came to stand in front of Kyo. Hewasn’t sure at first how close to stand, but Kyo seemed to communicate with his eyes where exactly he should stop.

It was close enough that they could share the same air, but still Die was trying to follow Kyo’s lead. He wondered if Kyo had noticed how hard he was in his own pants, if he even cared.

“Hands behind your back,” Kyo instructed, and Die complied. “Now kiss me.”

Die was lightheaded. He could hear Kyo still jerking himself off, could _feel_ his hand moving so close to him, and this was a bad idea, the _worst_ idea, but he didn’t stop himself from leaning in, hands still behind his back, and pressing his lips to Kyo’s, lightly.

Kyo took control of the kiss easily, biting down on Die’s lower lip, swiping over the new sting with his tongue. His movements below his waist grew more frantic, and he moaned into Die’s mouth, his free hand on Die’s hip.

Die waited to feel the warmth of Kyo’s cum hitting him, anticipating it any moment now, but when he opened his eyes to look at Kyo, all he saw was the dark ceiling of his own bedroom.

Well, shit.

These dreams were only becoming more common. It made sense based on the fact that Die was seeing a lot more of Kyo, but it remained depressing when he woke up remembering that Kyo was straight. Die’s dreams were the only place he was going to see Kyo so intimately.

 

The store was pretty quiet one Wednesday afternoon and Die went to keep himself busy, as he so often did, by irritating Shinya. He had to wait though, as Shinya was currently occupied entertaining a toddler with a hand puppet—some fluffy kind of thing that was supposed to be either a monkey or a bear, Die couldn’t tell which. He stood off to the side until the toddler and his family moved off towards the front of the store to make their purchases, waving at Shinya as they left.

The hand puppet waved back.

“Don’t the kids ever get freaked out?” Die said as he came up beside Shinya.

Shinya tilted his head in question.

“By the puppet,” Die said. “Puppets can be a little creepy.”

“This one isn’t,” Shinya said, cradling it protectively against his chest. “It’s cute.”

“I guess, if you’re into that kind of thing.”

Shinya looked into the puppet’s round eyes and shrugged. “We all already know what kind of thing you’re into.”

Die pursed his lips.

“Did you actually want something, or you’re just back to bestowing me with your company for the sake of annoying me?” Shinya asked.

“‘Back to,’” Die scoffed. “Like I ever stopped.”

“I suppose you’ve just been distracted,” Shinya said. He moved to put the hand puppet back on the shelf with its brethren and Die followed.

“Sure, by the band and everything,” Die said.

Shinya gave him a look. “Right.”

“You still know him better than any of us,” Die said, giving up on pretending Shinya didn’t know exactly what was distracting him. “I mean, he hasn’t exactly been opening up to the rest of the group.”

“Is that what you want?” Shinya raised an eyebrow. “For him to open up to the rest of the group?”

“Well, yeah—”

“Or do you want him to open up to _you_?”

Die frowned. “I could have both, you know.”

Shinya turned back to his shelves of toys, straightening them needlessly. “I just think you ought to be honest about what you want, if you’re going to bother complaining.”

“I’m not complaining.”

“I told you from the beginning what information I had that might be useful to you,” Shinya said. “Have you reached out to him in any of the areas that I recommended, played to his interests?”

“Not really,” Die admitted.

“Then if you’re bored, why don’t you go hover around the front lanes instead of bugging me?”

“What’s the point?” Die sighed. He leaned against a display of jigsaw puzzles. “He’s not gonna be interested in me anyway.”

“You’re depressing me,” Shinya said.

“I’m sharing my feelings,” Die countered.

“Well, go share them with someone else,” Shinya said. “You know, Toshiya mentioned to me that he got confirmation on that gig for us.”

Die stood upright. “He did?”

“He didn’t tell you?” Shinya pulled a box off the shelf and examined the packaging, frowning. “He said so this morning.”

“That’s awesome!” Die said. He bounced where he stood. “Fuck yes, we’re gonna be great up on a stage!”

“Mmhmm,” Shinya said distractedly.

“Do we have details?” Die asked, eager for something new to be excited about.

“You should ask Toshiya about it,” Shinya said. “And if you’re going up there, you might as well make yourself useful and take this with you.” He handed over the box he’d been fiddling with. “The package is damaged, and I think it has a piece missing; it needs to be documented and discounted.”

Die saluted and took the box with him up to the front of the store, greeting a few of this other coworkers as he went. His mood had been ratcheted up about four notches knowing they had a live lined up.

“Hey, Totchi,” he called as he approached the guest service desk. There were no guests waiting, and Toshiya was presumably behind the wall, working with the items on the back shelves. Die leaned over the counter. “Are you busy?”

Toshiya’s head poked out around the corner, and he smiled. “Hey! What’s up?”

“Shinya told me we got the gig!”

“Oh! Yes!” Toshiya came fully out around the partition, holding his clipboard. “I can’t believe I didn’t tell you already.”

“It’s for sure?”

“Yeah, we’re on from five to five thirty,” Toshiya said.

“That’s a good slot!” Die said, but he had to admit he was hyped enough to think any timeslot was good.

“Soundcheck for us is at like nine am though, so I already told Kaoru that I guess we’ll all need that whole day off,” Toshiya said. “He seemed torn between being displeased and excited, let it balance out by just nodding calmly and walking off muttering about schedules.”

“So, pretty typical Kaoru reaction.”

Toshiya laughed.

Die wet his lips, trying to decide whether or not he would ask what was probably the natural next question. His gaze drifted over to the cash registers and it only took him a second to find Kyo, looking down at his phone as per usual. His hair had changed color again a few days ago, was a dark almost-black, a purple tint to it only showing in certain lighting. Die wondered how it would feel to have his hands in that hair, if Kyo would close his eyes and gasp when Die pulled, if he would—

“Ah, so you _do_ stare at the store, too.” Toshiya sounded a bit smug as he interrupted Die’s thoughts.

“No, I just—have you told Kyo the good news?” Die said awkwardly.

“I told him,” Toshiya said, nodding. “He said, ‘okay.’ I think he smiled? He was wearing his mask so it was kinda hard to tell.”

“Mm.”

“What are you even thinking about when you watch him like that?” Toshiya asked. When Die hesitated he said, “Or do I not want to know?”

“I think about… I’ve been dreaming about him again,” Die said.

“Ooh, dreamin’ about kissing him?” Toshiya said in a sing-song voice, his eyebrows waggling.

“Sometimes.”

“Hm.” Toshiya made a face. “I don’t see it. I wouldn’t want to kiss someone with sharp bits coming out of their lips.”

“What?” Die said. “You mean his lip piercings? No way, those are _hot_. Lip piercings are so attractive.”

Toshiya wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Not to me.”

“No?” Die was kind of baffled by an opinion so different from his own. “You’re not into piercings?”

“I am, but not there.”

“Eyebrow is good, too,” Die said.

“Nah. I like nose, bellybutton,” Toshiya grinned and mouthed the last part of his sentence, “ _and nipples_.” He raised his hands briefly to his chest to illustrate.

Die’s eyes went wide and Toshiya laughed.

“Does he have those?” Toshiya stagewhispered.

“How would I know!!” Die said, his voice coming out significantly higher than he meant for it to.

Toshiya laughed again. “You should ask him!”

Die made some undignified noises and started to back away from the guest service counter.

“Wait, what’s that you’ve got?” Toshiya called as he was about to turn. He pointed to the box that Die had completely forgotten he was holding. “Something for me?”

“Oh, yeah.” Die tossed the item to Toshiya and he caught it easily. “Damaged.”

“That’s Damaged- _san_ to you,” Toshiya said. He waved before going back behind the shelves where he’d been working before.

Die flipped his ponytail over his shoulder. He should have known that Toshiya was a dangerous person to be around when he was trying _not_ to think about Kyo in that manner. It wasn’t Toshiya’s fault, but dwelling too much on the reality of Kyo’s unavailability was more painful than Die liked to admit.

So naturally, feeling a bit masochistic, he decided to pop over and say hello to Kyo while he was up in the front.

A guest was just leaving Kyo’s lane, her items bagged efficiently, and Die smiled politely at her as she passed. Kyo was already on his phone again by the time Die reached him.

“Slow day, eh?” Die said conversationally.

“Mm.”

“Anything exciting happen up here this morning?”

“Mm-mm.”

And it wasn’t like Die expected every time he saw Kyo to be heart-to-hearts and smiles, but this was even more monosyllabic than Kyo’s usual nonbanter. 

“Gee, you this chatty with the guests who come through your line?”

Kyo looked up at him, his eyes unchanging.

“Hah,” Die said, remembering suddenly how intimidating Kyo could be. “I just meant—”

“If Kaoru has an issue with how I’m doing my job he can come and speak to me,” Kyo said evenly.

“I didn’t mean anything by that,” Die said.

“Okay.”

Die couldn’t tell if it was actually okay, but before he could ask, Kyo was cursing under his breath.

“Goddammit, stop trying to talk to me!”

“Oh,” Die said. “Um, I’m sorry. Um.”

“Not you,” Kyo said, a bit impatiently. He gestured to his phone.

Die tried not to look as relieved as he felt. “Spam calls?”

Kyo shook his head. “It’s—” He stopped, looked unsure before shrugging and saying, “My ex keeps texting me.”

“Oh,” Die said again. He hadn’t ever really thought about the fact that Kyo must have exes. It made his stomach knot up in jealousy. “What do you say back?”

“Nothing!” Kyo looked alarmed. “I just keep deleting the texts!”

“Hmm.” Die frowned. “Maybe you should be clearer.”

“How is that not clear?” Kyo said, bewildered.

“With you? I mean,” Die said, and bit his lip, hesitating. “You can be kind of hard to read.”

“We haven't been together for a year,” Kyo said. “It should be obvious that I don’t want to talk!”

“But maybe you need to actually say that,” Die suggested gently. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand Kyo’s frustration, but some people really didn’t do well with subtext.

Kyo sighed, and to Die’s surprise, tucked his phone into his pocket, leaving him with nothing to do but look up at Die, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Anyway,” Kyo said.

“Anyway,” Die said. He was unclear whether Kyo meant for him to leave or was just trying to change the subject. He tried for the latter, “Toshiya got us that gig.”

“Yes, I heard,” Kyo said. “We have a lot to get ready before then.”

“Are you… excited?” Die asked uncertainly.

Kyo cocked his head. “Sure.”

“Hmm.” Die wasn’t convinced, but he wasn’t going to push it. “What do you think I should wear?”

That got him more of a reaction, Kyo’s eyebrows flying up towards his hairline. “You? For the live?”

“Yeah! I was thinking maybe something that shows off my legs more. Is that weird?”

“I don’t know! Why would you ask me?” Kyo looked deeply uncomfortable. “Shouldn’t you ask Shinya or someone?”

Die shrugged. He respected Shinya and thought he dressed well enough, but he didn’t know how to explain that, to _Die_ , Shinya’s opinion just didn’t really matter as much as Kyo’s. “I just thought, you know, since you’re kind of the fashion expert,” Die said.

Kyo’s mask hid whatever his mouth did, though Die could tell there was some unusual movement there. “I think you should wear whatever you’re comfortable in,” Kyo said, his eyes wandering to focus on some stain on his lane’s conveyor belt. “You always look good anyway.”

Die didn’t stop himself from smiling. “Yeah? Thanks.”

“But,” Kyo said thoughtfully, “you should wear your hair down.”

Die froze, then nodded. He could do that.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I meant to post this chapter last night, but I got home late, so here it is now, and I'll probably post the next one a little early. Love!

With a performance opportunity on the horizon, Die and his bandmates finally had something to work towards. Their rehearsals became more focused and productive, and between those and work at the store, Die hardly had the energy to concern himself with much else.

Meaning he was taking a much-needed break from obsessing over Kyo for a while. He was selling alcohol and “forgetting” to check IDs, he was practicing guitar at home, he was always and forever taking cute pictures of his cat and sharing them on social media, and maybe that was enough to keep him distracted from that compact little bundle of sexual creative energy that was Kyo. If he just never looked at him, then Die tended to do all right, after all. It was just that he never managed to not look at him.

Even so, he was keeping himself better occupied than he had been. It had been over a week since his last sex dream, and he’d been able to spend less time in general with his eyes glued to Kyo like a total creep. He was proud of himself, and probably happier for it; it was nice to sometimes go to the store and just think about work, instead of about Kyo.

A gaggle of college-age girls was just leaving Die’s counter with their purchase when Kaoru came unexpectedly over, looking apologetic even before he opened his mouth.

“What do you need?” Die asked.

Kaoru sighed. “Ayasa is having some fight with her boyfriend again, and she’s in the break room, crying and inconsolable.”

“You want me… to comfort her?”

Kaoru shook his head. “I wondered if you could come up to the front and cover her register for a bit, just until she calms down and can come back to work. I know you don’t like working in the front, but you know how to work the register, and I can’t take anyone away from guest services; Toshiya is the only one there right now.

Die made a face. It was true that he didn’t like working up at the front. Sure, he would go up there just to hang around and chat with the cashiers—sometimes he’d even bag for someone if it was busy—but he didn’t enjoy the chaos of front end cashier life, and he was always glad to return to the quiet of his home department in Spirits. “There’s not someone else you can ask?”

“It won’t be for long,” Kaoru said. “Just get up there and take lane six.”

Die sulked all the way up to the front of the store. It had been ages since he’d had to work the front lanes. Even when he’d been training Toshiya in guest services, he hadn’t had to be at a register. There was something oppressive about having all those other workers and guests around in such close quarters. It felt like someone was looking for his shoulder all the time.

To his horror, he discovered that the person looking over his shoulder today would be Kyo. Lane six was the one right beside Kyo’s own.

The inescapable nearness of him was daunting, but Die figured it wouldn’t really be any more interaction than usual, given how Kyo was typically primarily interested in his phone.

But as soon as he saw him come over, Kyo was leaning over his own counter. “ Die! he hissed. “What are you doing up here? Are you in trouble?”

“You’d think so, huh?” Die settled into lane six. “Just covering for Ayasa for a bit.”

Kyo’s face did something kind of strange, wrinkling and stretching beneath his mask. “It’s that boyfriend of hers again, I overheard some of what she was saying. He canceled their Valentine’s Day date. I seriously don’t know why she’s still with him, he seems like an asshole.”

“Have you said that to her?”

Kyo’s eyebrows shot up. “No, of course not! It’s not my place.”

“She’s always asking for advice though,” Die said. “You know she’d value your input.”

“She’d probably value it less if she actually heard it,” Kyo said. “Guys like that…” He shook his head. “I get that not everyone likes celebrating that kind of holiday, but she was excited about it. She doesn’t deserve to be mistreated, and she’s too much of a people-pleaser to recognize that’s what’s going on.”

“Didn’t realize you had such a soft spot for her.”

Kyo looked at him dubiously. “It’s considered soft now, just to be fucking decent? Christ.”

“Didn’t mean it like a bad thing,” Die said, but Kyo had already turned to help someone at his register.

Die turned his attention to cashiering as well. He'd expected to quickly grow annoyed with the parade of customers coming through his lane, but to his surprise, there were… no customers, at all. _No one_ was coming through his lane. He checked to make sure his light was on, but there was no problem there.

It took him a while to realize what was happening: Kyo was directing all the traffic to come through his own line, to bypass lane six and stop at his register instead. It was one of the strangest things Die had ever seen. Kyo didn’t have time to fiddle around on his phone; he was too busy looking for customers and _waving them over_ to check them out.

Die stood there staring for longer than he meant to, until finally there was another lull in activity and he could force his voice to work. “Why are you doing that?”

“What, my job?” Kyo said. “We callin’ that soft, too?”

“No, you were… I’ve never seen you call guests to your lane before,” Die said.

“I was just helping you out,” Kyo said. “You don’t even work in the front, you shouldn’t have to deal with it.”

Die was speechless. Kyo had been deliberately drawing the guests to himself, to _help Die_? When Die was more than aware of how much Kyo hated interacting with anyone, how avidly he avoided it when he could? It was so selfless that Die couldn’t really believe it was what had happened.

“But… why?” he asked again.

“I was just trying to help,” Kyo snapped. “If it was that much of a problem, I’ll be sure to let you suffer next time.”

“No,” Die said, shaking his head quickly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—I was just surprised. Thank you.”

Kyo nodded his head once, the movement kind of jerky and uncomfortable.

The next half hour passed much in the same way, though Die was able to snag a few customers here and there since he’d caught onto what Kyo was doing. It wasn’t terrible.

Then suddenly Die heard Kyo curse behind him, followed by the sound of his light clicking off. When he turned to see what was going on, Die was further confused as he found Kyo looking around almost frantically, shrinking down to hide partly behind his register.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kyo said, as if that were remotely believable. “Shit. If anyone asks, I’m not here.” And with that, he darted out to duck behind the next register.

There wasn’t time for Die to respond, but he was so puzzled he didn’t know what he would have said anyway. He glanced around, half-expecting to see some imminent danger descending menacingly from the ceiling, but there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Kaoru was pacing back and forth with his clipboard, one of the float staff was stocking candy in the front lanes, a few odd customers were milling around. Kyo was just being a weirdo, like usual.

After a while, a customer came up to Die’s lane, and put down only a pack of gum to buy, his eyes roaming the front of the store.

Die scanned the gum. “Find everything all right?”

“Nearly,” the man said. “Actually—is Kyo working today?”

Die stopped, looking back the customer. “Kyo?”

“Yeah, he’s a cashier here,” the man said. “Little guy, always moody.”

Die turned it over in his mind as quickly as possible. Clearly, this was who Kyo had been trying to get away from when he’d gone ducking out of there in such a hurry, but why? Looking the man up and down discreetly, Die didn’t see anything all that threatening about him. He was tall, but skinny enough that he would probably snap in half if someone so much as pushed him. 

All the same, Kyo had given Die clear instructions to follow in the event that someone asked for him; maybe he owed the guy money? And it was a given that it was sketchy to come to someone’s place of work to ask for them without express invitation.

Trying to keep his pause short, Die said vaguely, “Oh, I don’t know.”

“He’s always here,” the guy insisted.

“I don’t think he’s in today,” Die said. “I don’t know his schedule.”

The man just stayed standing there, looking around the front of the store, and Die shifted his weight anxiously. Hopefully Kyo was well out of sight.

“Is there anything else I can help you with?” Die asked.

With obvious reluctance, the man shook his head, picked up his pack of gum, and finally left the store.

Die stayed at his station, wanting to be sure the stranger wouldn’t try to come back, and after a few minutes, Ayasa came out to take over his lane, looking a little pink, but for the most part put-together.

“Thanks for covering for me,” she said with a tired smile. "It shouldn't happen again.”

Die couldn’t resist putting a hand on her shoulder. “I know it’s none of my business, but you deserve better than someone who makes you so unhappy. You have people here who care about you and worry about you, and we want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t put up with anymore of his bullshit, okay? And you can always reach out if you need someone to talk to.”

She nodded sadly, but didn’t say anything, and Die went off to let her have her space.

He was set to return to his department when a thought struck him and he made a detour past guest services. 

Toshiya was there at the guest service counter, sorting some returned items, and he looked up and smiled as Die came over. “Hey, Die, whatcha need?”

“Ayasa is back at her register, so yeah, I was just gonna go back over to Spirits,” Die said with a wave of his hand. “But, um, did Kyo happen to come by over here?” Die couldn’t see past the partition into the back of guest services, but he was pretty sure this was the direction in which Kyo had gone.

Toshiya got a shifty look on his face, and his eyes darted around the front of the store, past Die. “Why do you ask?”

“No one else is here,” Die said quietly. “It’s just me. I was just wondering why he took off and hid the way he did. Did he come this way?” 

Toshiya hesitated another few seconds, then nodded towards the back. “He needed a place to hide from his ex.”

“From his—” Die stopped dead, staring at Toshiya in agonized confusion. “Did you say his _ex_?”

“That’s what he told me,” Toshiya said. He dropped his voice. “Why, did you see her?”

“No, I saw _him_ ,” Die hissed somewhat hysterically.

“Kyo?”

Die planted his hands on the countertop and leaned in. “Kyo’s _ex_! If that’s really who Kyo was hiding from, his ex is a _man_!”

Toshiya’s mouth dropped open, but before he could say anything, Kyo was stalking out from the back, keys jangling, looking at them with complete calm.

“He left?” he said to Die in a reasonable voice, far more reasonable than the high-pitched whisper-shouting Die had just been doing himself.

Die nodded. He wasn’t 100% sure whether or not Kyo had overheard him and Toshiya. He didn’t seem upset; he just thanked Die for the info, and slunk out from behind the guest service desk, heading back towards the registers.

Die stood frozen for a second, almost let Kyo walk away, but then, after exchanging a quick grimace with Toshiya, scrambled after him.

“Kyo!” he called, but Kyo didn’t pause to wait for him. “Hey, hold up, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“What about?” Kyo said. “I need to get back to my lane.”

"Sure, but—who exactly was that guy? Who you were so determinedly avoiding?” Because yeah, Toshiya had said it was Kyo’s ex, but it only seemed fair to let Kyo put it in his own words.

Kyo met his eyes unflinchingly. “That was my ex-boyfriend, and I’d rather that he didn’t corner me at work. I really do appreciate your not telling him where to find me.”

“Yeah, of course,” Die said. “No problem.” It was possible that that should have been the end of the exchange, but Die didn’t want it to be, so he said, “I didn’t know you had an ex-boyfriend.”

Kyo sighed, as if tolerating Die’s foolishness was the most exhausting thing imaginable. “I have a few.”

That followed, naturally, but it was still shocking to hear from Kyo’s own mouth. Die recalled a previous mention of Kyo having an ex, and asked, “Is this the same one who wouldn’t stop texting you?” It bothered him to think this guy was making so much trouble for Kyo, but it was worse to think he had more than one ex clinging to him that way.

“Yes, he’s the one.”

“Is he, like, a problem? If he’s coming to your work…” Die trailed off, uneasy. They’d reached the front lanes, but Kyo hadn’t switched his light back on. “Did he… mistreat you?”

The question seemed to irritate Kyo far more than anything else Die had said, possibly in his entire life. “Never. He wasn’t—Die, I have to get back to work. Can you invade my personal life _later_?”

Die just nodded and took a few steps back. It was clearly something Kyo didn’t want to talk about, so he wasn’t going to try to press the matter. He mumbled something about needing to return to work as well, and left Kyo alone.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's your extra update! Woooo~

Die didn’t take it personally. He was perfectly aware that past relationships were a sensitive subject for many people, and it wasn’t any of his business what had gone down between Kyo and his ex; he wasn’t really close enough to him to be privy to that kind of information.

Anyway, he was far more interested in the general fact that Kyo dated men at all.

Such a revelation made every interaction he’d ever had with Kyo more significant, and he found himself analyzing moments long past with this new perspective.

It meant more, how Shinya had said that Kyo _liked_ Die, had suggested that he might be flirting back. He supposed Shinya had probably known all along, and just chosen not to share that with Die. Typical omniscient bullshit.

Still, Die was too excited to actually spend even a moment resenting Shinya’s secrecy.

It was the day after Die’s discovery, towards the end of his shift when he took it upon himself to consult with Shinya on the matter.

He found Shinya strolling down the toy aisles, methodically removing the leftover price notices from the post-Valentine’s sale that had just ended, and fell casually into step beside him.

“I’m going to ask him out,” Die said decisively.

“Sounds good,” Shinya replied.

That wasn't the reaction Die had hoped for. “Be more excited,” he said. “It’s a big deal!”

“Is it? My mistake.”

“Come on, I’m serious,” Die said, frowning more than he really thought he would. “You know how down I was when I thought he was straight. I finally got confirmation that he’s not—Why didn’t you tell me earlier and spare me some suffering?”

Shinya looked at him. “Die, you know it wasn’t mine to tell.”

Die had to respect how much Shinya refused to stoop to gossip. For how popular he was, how many different social circles he could run in, he still wasn’t one to spread rumors or break confidences. Most likely, that was _why_ he got along with everyone: he always listened but didn’t go repeating what he heard.

“Do you have any thoughts now?” Die said. “About my asking him out.”

“I gave you the advice I had long ago,” Shinya said. “And in all seriousness, I am glad you’re giving it a shot. You might find some kind of equilibrium with him, it could be good for you.”

Die’s stomach twisted nervously and he huffed out a breath through his nose. “It’s not like we’re getting married, Shin, I’m just gonna ask for a date.”

“I know,” Shinya said. “Still.” He turned back to his shelves. “When are you planning to ask him?”

“This weekend,” Die said. “We rehearse Sunday, but I happened to see—”

“‘ _Happened to see…_ ’”

“—that he’s off on Saturday, too, which is pretty unusual,” Die finished, trying to ignore Shinya’s judgment. 

“And you’re off, too?” Shinya raised an eyebrow.

“Well, no, I’m not. But my Saturday shift is opening.”

“You do know he might still turn you down,” Shinya said, in a way that was somehow gentle.

“Of course I know that,” Die said. “But I don’t… he might not.”

Shinya shrugged. “I’d say keep me posted, but I know you will, whether I want you to or not.”

Die recognized it as Shinya being supportive, and appreciated the thought at least. “Rehearsal tonight. Wanna leave from here, grab dinner on the way?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Shinya said.

As Die left the toys department, he thought of inviting Kyo to come along as well. He was at the store, and was going to the same band practice as them; it made sense to travel together—and yet he’d barely had time to consider it before he was dismissing the thought. Kyo had always rejected Die’s offers of a ride thus far, and Die’s knowledge of Kyo’s sexuality didn’t have an effect on that.

Come to think of it, wouldn’t such a history indicate that Kyo would also reject an invitation for a _date_ with Die? He didn’t even like to leave his house. Maybe Die was getting ahead of himself thinking this new information changed things when it really didn’t.

Still, Die wasn’t the only one excited about it.

Toshiya came rushing over to Die as soon as he’d clocked out for the evening, and asked in a loud whisper, “Any updates??”

It took Die a second to even realize what he meant. “Not since yesterday. I haven’t talked to him since then.”

“You really saw his ex-boyfriend though?” Toshiya was wide-eyed and interested. “What was he like?”

“Um.” Die’s brow furrowed as he tried to call up his memory of the man he’d met the day before. At the time he hadn’t been thinking of him in the context of an old partner of Kyo’s, so his analysis hadn’t been what it might have been.

“Thin,” he said, at length.

Toshiya was unimpressed. “That’s all?!”

Die shrugged helplessly. “I didn’t know what to look for. I guess he’s pretty attached to Kyo, though.”

“Yeah, isn’t that kind of creepy?” Toshiya said. “Coming to his work to see him, when he clearly doesn’t want to be seen?” He shook his head.

“I feel like Kyo didn’t take kindly to my suggestion that his behavior was inappropriate,” Die said carefully. He moved to his locker and entered the combination to open it.

Toshiya followed, leaned against the lockers beside Die’s. “What, like he _wants_ to be stalked?”

“No, more like he… was protective of him. He shut down the whole conversation when I asked if the guy was a problem.”

“Touchy subject?”

“I guess so,” Die said. He put his jacket on and shook his hair out so it didn’t get caught in the hood. “I hope he doesn’t think I was just being a nosy prick.”

“If he really hadn’t wanted people to find out, he could have claimed some other reason for avoiding him,” Toshiya said.

“I don’t think he cares about that,” Die agreed. “He wasn’t trying to be coy or anything, he seemed open about it, but… I don’t know.”

Toshiya watched as Die checked his pockets and closed his locker. “So what’s your next step? Are you going to make a move?”

Die felt himself blushing and looked down at the floor. “I was planning to. I want to ask him out, but I. I started thinking about it too much, and got so damn discouraged, you know? Like why would I think he’d accept? I’m just gonna set myself up for—failure.”

“Why do you think he _wouldn’t_ accept?”

Die joined Toshiya in leaning against the locker bay. Shinya wasn’t off for another fifteen minutes, and Kyo (he knew from checking the schedule) wasn’t off for half an hour, so he supposed it was as good a time as any for some awkward heart-to-heart with Toshiya.

“He’s a hermit,” Die said. “Just to begin with. There’s no reason for him to change those habits just because I invite him. And his being into dudes definitely doesn’t mean he’d automatically be into me.”

Toshiya gave him a skeptical look. “Are you kidding?”

“I don’t know what his _type_ is, Toshiya!”

Toshiya cocked his head. “You’re pretty skinny. You said he likes that, right? And you could definitely be… ‘attached’.”

Die tipped his head back against the metal lockers. “He’s just so fucking hard to read.”

“I guess you won’t know for sure until you actually ask him,” Toshiya said. “Are you gonna do it today?”

“At rehearsal? Hell no,” Die said with an incredulous laugh. “Kaoru would flip his shit if I brought that kind of drama into the studio.”

Toshiya chuckled. “Yeah, that’s true. He’d be pissed enough to know you’re bringing it into the store.”

“Yeah, well, he can’t very well hope to control _every_ aspect of our lives.”

“Oh, I think he can _hope_ ,” Toshiya said, and they both laughed again at poor Kaoru’s expense.

Shinya came in to clock out after his shift a short time later, and Die did his best to put the Kyo matter out of his head, until he was back at the studio and forced to see him face to face.

Kyo wasn’t acting any differently towards him, which made sense. For Kyo, nothing had really changed. He simply went about his musical business, working with the rest of the band as cohesively as he ever did.

The whole group was in rare form, since they were still aiming for a scheduled gig. Kaoru and Die were tighter and more focused in their harmonies, Toshiya was playing with tireless enthusiasm, and Shinya—well, Shinya was the same as usual.

And then there was Kyo, going into full-performance mode, throwing himself down on the floor and screaming with so much pain that Die wondered if they ought to stop and give him a minute to calm down.

They had a setlist figured out by the time they did actually take a break, and Shinya went with Toshiya to the vending machine in the hall to get drinks for everyone. Kaoru went out for some air (more likely to go smoke), and Die was thinking about joining him because it was getting seriously stuffy in the little rehearsal space, when suddenly Kyo was stripping out of his t-shirt, and any thoughts of leaving the room vanished from Die’s head.

He’d never seen him bared like that, and couldn’t stop himself from taking it all in. Kyo was well-muscled and perfect, tattoos covering both his arms and up his shoulders. He had a magnificent full back piece—just like he’d claimed in Die’s dream.

It made Die curious what else was the same as in his dreams.

Die wasn’t even pretending not to stare as Kyo tipped his head back and stretched his arms, but if Kyo noticed, he didn’t say anything; he just went on stretching, rolling his shoulders back and bouncing a little on the balls of his feet.

Finally he looked over at Die with a thoughtful expression, and sighed before coming over and sitting backwards on his chair so that he could keep facing him.

“I’m sorry if—I was rude, yesterday,” Kyo said abruptly.

Die was surprised that he was being addressed at all, and had to take a second to pop his eyeballs back into his skull from where they’d been roaming. Then he shook his head. “You weren’t.”

Kyo leaned his chin on his arms across the back of the chair. “No, I was. Just. Seeing him put me on edge, but you didn’t do anything wrong, and I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

“It’s really fine,” Die said. “I was honestly just… worried. It felt like—If you don’t want to see him, he should leave you alone, right?” He looked away. “I’m sorry, it’s not my place. I’m really sorry.”

Kyo was quiet for a moment. “He should leave me alone. But I don’t want you to think he’s just some asshole who hurt me.”

Die watched the way Kyo’s fingers rubbed idly at the plastic of the chair he was resting on. “Why did you guys break up then?”

He wasn’t sure Kyo was going to answer, but then he shrugged one tattooed shoulder. “Because of me. He looked up to me, and I just always felt like I was letting him down, no matter what I did.” His mouth scrunched up. “It wasn’t like he did something wrong. I just couldn’t be who he wanted me to be, and even now, it’s been over a year, and he keeps wanting us to be friends, even though I’ve told him that’s not something I want.”

“Why isn’t it?”

“I don’t want to lead him on,” Kyo said simply. “We could say we’re just friends, but there’s history there, and there’s the way he looks at me, like I could make or break his whole spirit, and I can’t… I can’t be fucking responsible for that.

Die nodded slowly. He could understand that. He wondered if Kyo had a problem with how Die looked at him as well.

“So,” Kyo said with a wry smile, “now you know. I’m the piece of shit, not him.”

Die blinked, thrown. “I—what? How is not wanting to be with someone and not wanting to lead him on being a piece of shit?”

“I broke his heart,” Kyo said. “I’m not good with people.”

“Kyo, it doesn’t matter how ‘good’ you are with people,” Die said, and leaned forward, barely stopping himself from reaching for Kyo. “Relationships end sometimes, and it sucks, but it’s not necessarily a terrible thing.”

Kyo gave him a look. “I don’t really need that explained to me.”

“Right, I’m sorry,” Die said with a grimace. “I just… I don’t get why you’re so mean to yourself.”

Whatever Kyo was going to say next was lost as the door opened, and Shinya and Toshiya came in, carrying drinks for the band.

“Excuse us,” Shinya said. “I hope we aren’t interrupting.”

Die was just preparing to glare, but to his surprise, Kyo pushed himself up and dragged his chair back over to the wall, hurriedly muttering something about how it had been nothing. Die watched him in confusion. Why wouldn’t Kyo want the others to know that he and Die had been talking?

Toshiya handed Die his bottled tea and raised his eyebrows in question, but Die could only offer a vague shrug in return.

Kaoru came back a minute later and they continued practice, running through the setlist they’d come up with and then wrapping things up. They reaffirmed their plan to rehearse again on Sunday, much to Die’s relief; that meant Saturday night was still open for him to ask Kyo out.

For some reason, his conversation with him had just left him more determined than ever to get a date with Kyo. Perhaps it should have had the opposite effect, shown him that Kyo wasn’t really interested in a relationship, but all he could think was how badly he wanted to show Kyo that they could be good together.

He watched as Kyo zipped his notebook back into his bag, his back muscles rippling enticingly as he moved. The tattoo there was really something, a depiction of Kannon with her thousand arms, spanning the entirety of Kyo’s back. It must have cost a fortune to have done. Die wanted to touch it, but he restrained himself, and instead moved to _talk_ to Kyo, right as he was picking up his t-shirt and shaking out the wrinkles.

“I don’t think I’ve gotten a chance to tell you,” Die said, “but wow, your tattoo is amazing. I mean, they all look great.”

Kyo smiled a little. “Thanks.” He pulled the t-shirt on and Die hoped he was sufficiently hiding his disappointment. “I like yours, too.”

“Oh, uh, yeah, thanks,” Die mumbled, rubbing at his hand. “It’s just a small thing.”

“Do you have any others?”

Die shook his head. “It’s hard enough to hide this one when I go to the onsen.”

Kyo’s smile grew. “I guess that’s true. People probably think I look really fucking dangerous.” He laughed. “I have to cover up a lot.”

“At least you can show them off here,” Die said. “In music.”

Kyo bit his lip, and plucked at his t-shirt. “Ah, yeah, heh. Well, I just get really hot.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Die said. Then he cleared his throat loudly and said goodnight, hoping Kyo wouldn't have time to think too hard about what he’d just said.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much love for you all! The next chapter after this will be a little longer, so that's something to look forward to; it'll be up later this week, as per usual.   
> Your comments are the happiest part of my day, in all honesty, and I'm so glad to share this nonsense with all of you.

“All right, fine,” Shinya said, arms crossed over his chest. “I’m invested, and you have been _suspiciously_ quiet. I swore I wasn’t going to ask, but you’ve forced my hand. What’s going on?”

Die stared at him. It was strange enough to see Shinya in the spirits department at all, but he was here looking accusingly at Die, and in all honesty, Die wasn’t totally sure what he’d done.

“What do you mean, what’s going on?” Die said. “It’s… work—”

“You know what I mean,” Shinya snapped. “Usually you’re over at my station, talking my ear off about your flirtations—or lack thereof—with Kyo. Last I heard you were set on asking him out. It’s been _days_.” He looked expectantly at Die, most of his usual indifference worn away to reveal the purity of his impatience.

“I haven’t, um, asked him yet,” Die said. He supposed he had more or less forced Shinya into this position of caring whether he and Kyo ended up dating, but it was startling to have him come at him that way. Fond as he was of Shinya, and much as he loved to tease him, he would hate to ever get on Shinya’s bad side for real.

“Why not? What was that intimate little scene Toshiya and I walked in on at rehearsal?”

“We were just talking,” Die said. “He was telling me about why he’d been avoiding his ex or whatever.” He scooted a few bottles around on the shelf, moving them towards the front. “I was planning on asking him today; I just haven’t had a chance yet.”

Shinya frowned. “If that’s all you were talking about, why did he get so squirrelly when we came in? And why was he shirtless?”

“Christ, Shinya, we weren’t _doing_ anything,” Die said. “He took off his shirt because it was so stuffy in the studio.”

Shinya shrugged, apparently accepting that.

“And I have no idea why he reacted to you guys like that,” Die went on, scooting the same bottles over and back again. “I keep thinking about it, too, like he didn’t want to be seen with me.” He snorted. “Doesn’t bode well for me asking him out.”

“I doubt very much that it’s something like him being ashamed of you,” Shinya said reasonably. “He doesn’t seem to have much shame whatsoever.”

Die couldn’t argue with that. But still, he said what had been nagging at him, “I don’t think he’s interested in a relationship.”

“Now you’re just psyching yourself out,” Shinya said. “What makes you think that?”

“The way he talked about his ex.”

“You’re not his ex.”

“But it wasn’t his ex that he had a problem with,” Die said. “It was _himself_ , and I can’t change him. I wouldn’t want to.”

“How he was with his ex, _who_ he was with him, would be different from whatever happens with you. That’s just how these things are,” Shinya said. “It’s not like you to make excuses.”

Die knew that Shinya was right. He was stalling, _had_ been stalling. He wasn’t actually backing out, but he’d been looking for excuses to put it off, to study longer, just because, “He makes me nervous.”

“I think he makes a lot of people nervous,” Shinya quipped.

“Even though I think he might not be ready for a relationship, I wanna ask him out anyway,” Die said, looking down at the linoleum floor of the store. “That’s selfish of me, right? It doesn’t make me want him any less. I’m the worst.” He dragged a hand down his face.

“More excuses,” Shinya said disapprovingly. Then he softened. “Die, bottom line is, of course you don’t have to ask him out if you don’t want to, or if you want to wait, but I know how into him you are, and how much this has been eating at you, so…”

Die nodded. “But how will we keep it from Kaoru?”

“Excuses!” Shinya rolled his eyes and strode off, leaving Die alone to consider his options.

And he spent the next several hours considering them. It was true that the act of inviting Kyo out had been looming ominously over him ever since he’d first seen it as a possibility. He wanted to do it. It terrified and excited him and he wanted to have the opportunity to see Kyo smile because of him, because of spending time with him.

Nonetheless, he was still going back and forth on whether he should wait longer to make his move, even when his shift ended, and he came out to the front lanes from clocking out to find Kyo crossing to Guest Services with a shopping cart full of go-backs.

Taking a deep breath, Die opted for _fuck it_ , and hurried to match Kyo’s gait. “Hey!”

Kyo glanced up, nodded in greeting. “Heading home?”

“Um, yeah,” Die said. “What about you?”

Kyo gestured towards the cart. “A few more things to finish.”

“Cool, cool.” Die pushed some hair behind his ear. “So, are you working this weekend, too? Like Saturday or whatever?”

That got him a suspicious look. “We’re already practicing Sunday. What, he wants to schedule another one?”

“Oh, uh, no,” Die said. “No, no, actually, I was just wondering if you were busy. In case you wanted to, you know, get a drink.”

Kyo stared blankly at him.

“Together.” Die cleared his throat. “Like, um. Like a date?”

Kyo stopped walking. His grip on the go-backs cart went white-knuckled, and a deep crease was visible between his brows. “What?”

It certainly wasn’t the reaction Die had hoped for. Kyo actually looked kind of pissed, and Die backpedaled helplessly. “Or we don’t have to call it a date! But we could just go out—”

“What are you doing?” Kyo said. “I’m not… I don’t do whatever it is you’re trying to pull off here.” His eyes were distrustful above his mask.

Die wondered whether maybe Kyo wasn’t as comfortable with his sexuality as he’d previously thought. “I’m not trying to pull anything off,” he said. “I just. Like you.”

Kyo’s expression darkened further and he crossed his arms over his chest. “Look, I try not to judge; different things work for different people, but I’m not interested in being—whatever you’re suggesting, a side relationship or a third party to some—”

Now Die was frowning, too. “Wait, wait. Third—What are you talking about? Side relationship, side to whom?”

Kyo clearly thought that was the stupidest thing Die could have said. “ _Shinya_. Tell me he at least knows you’re talking to me about this.”

“Of-of course he does,” Die said. “He’s one of my closest friends. Wait, are you saying you think Shinya and I are _dating_?”

“I think—” Kyo faltered. “I mean.” He uncrossed his arms, held onto his shopping cart again. “Are you saying you… aren’t?”

Die shook his head frantically. “No! Not even kind of!”

“But. You’re always together,” Kyo said, his cheeks reddening. “You come to rehearsal together, you check his schedule, and you—you…”

“We’re _friends_ ,” Die said again. “As far as I know, Shinya is straight. We mess around, and I care about him, but jesus, we’ve never even come close to anything romantic.” Tentatively, he put a hand on the shopping cart, too. “I wouldn’t ask you out if I was seeing someone else.”

“Hm.” Kyo looked down at Die’s hand. “I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not,” Die said quickly. “It’s not the first time I’ve heard it actually, and I get how you’d think that, but, um… Since it’s not true…” He tipped his head to one side. “What do you say?”

“I don’t drink.”

“Oh,” Die said. He was pretty sure he should have known that.

“But,” Kyo said, and raised his eyes to meet Die’s, “We could get coffee?”

Die’s heart did an olympic-qualifying somersault, and he couldn’t stop the grin that took over his face. “Yeah?”

“Saturday?”

“Yeah, I’ll be off by like four pm?”

“Unn,” Kyo said with a stiff nod. “I’m available then.”

“Great!” Die said. “Perfect! Okay. Wow, great.”

“So you said.”

“I know, right, I’m just. Okay!” Die laughed. He knew he wasn’t keeping his cool at all, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “Here, let me give you my phone number, and then you can text me where to pick you up, or we can decide where to meet, or whatever.”

Kyo hesitated slightly, but unlocked his phone and handed it over so Die could add his number to his contacts.

Die was so giddy it was hard to type his number in correctly, but he managed after a few tries, and gave Kyo his phone back, still smiling from ear to ear.

“Thanks,” Kyo said, and slid the phone into his pocket. “You’re being extremely weird, just so you’re aware.”

“I’d say I’m sorry, but really I’m just excited,” Die said with an embarrassed chuckle. “I’ve been wanting to ask you out for a while. I didn’t know how it would go.”

“You seriously told Shinya?”

“Oh, um, heh, yes,” Die said. “He said he’s ‘invested.’”

“Ah geez,” Kyo said. “I guess I’m glad I know then.”

“Er, then I should tell you, Toshiya has also been following the saga,” Die said sheepishly.

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “Anyone else? Kaoru, perhaps.”

Die shook his head. “Just them.”

“This really has been in the works a while, though.”

“I didn’t know before if you were into guys.”

Something amused showed around Kyo’s eyes then. “No? I usually don’t think I’m being that subtle about it.”

Die was about to launch into an explanation, how he’d been thrown by Kyo’s comment about traditional dating, but he suddenly realized Kyo was still on the clock, and it could wait. “I’m so sorry, you’re working! I’m distracting you.”

“That’s very true.”

“I’ll, um. I’ll see you around.”

“See you,” Kyo said with a nod. 

Die forced himself towards the exit, afraid it would be harder if he lingered any longer. He could see him later.

 

The entire next day was a blur of Die checking his phone every two minutes. He hadn’t gotten Kyo’s phone number, had left it to Kyo to text him so they could make plans, and he was becoming increasingly distressed as the day went on with no word. If Kyo was a different type of person, Die would have thought he’d only been being polite in agreeing to the date, but had never intended to follow through. But the truth was, he didn’t think Kyo was really concerned enough with appearing polite for that.

He wasn’t sure what that meant the real explanation was. Maybe he’d had second thoughts, or forgotten, or dropped his phone in the toilet. Maybe he’d accidentally deleted Die’s number. As he swiped his phone open again, Die scolded himself for not giving Kyo an additional way to reach him, just in case. Maybe he had no signal?

It was Die’s day off or he would have gone to see Kyo in person. Instead he spent the time cleaning up his apartment on the off-chance that his date with Kyo brought them back there. It was wishful thinking, but he didn’t want to be unprepared anyway. He wiped down the tiny kitchen, swept and vacuumed, scrubbed the bathroom until the smell of the cleaning chemicals made him want to gag. He dusted all his shelves, rearranged his books to be more aesthetically pleasing, and did three loads of laundry, including the sheets on his bed.

None of it was enough to distract him from Kyo’s radio silence. He messed with the settings on his Alexa while he waited for his last load of laundry, adjusting the lighting with voice commands. His cat was evidently not a fan, and would growl threateningly anytime Alexa spoke back to him.

Die scooped the cat up in his arms and nuzzled against her fur. “Shh, shh. It’s just a robot, baby, nothing to be afraid of.” He gave her reassuring scritches under her chin until she was purring, and then sat down with her on the foot of his freshly-made bed. “Oh, Quila, what am I doing? I don’t want to fuck this one up.”

The cat chirped softly and gave him a curious look.

Die reached for his phone, intent this time on texting Shinya to make sure Kyo had been at work, and to find out if he’d said anything, but it vibrated before he could pick it up, the screen alight with a notification for one new message.

**?** : _Hey sorry i realized i never sent you my #. This is Kyo._

Die’s stomach swooped and he let out a relieved laugh into the quiet of his apartment. He saved Kyo’s number and wrote a quick response.

**Die** : _Hey! I was wondering if I’d hear from you_.

**Kyo** : _Sorry. I really suck at shit like remembering to text._

**Die** : _It’s okay!_

Die was quick to reassure him, despite the fact that it very nearly _wasn’t_ okay.

**Die** : _How was work?_

**Kyo** : _Same as usual? A couple cashiers got in trouble for dancing at their registers._

**Die** : _Were you one of them?_

**Kyo** : _I was not. But I think it’s bullshit, what, like the customers would rather we all stand around like zombies? works for me but fuck that, let people do what they need to to get thru the work day._

Die smiled. It was nice to see that Kyo wasn’t taking any time to get comfortable texting with him. To his surprise, before he could response he had another message.

**Kyo** : _What about you? Good day off?_

**Die** : _Yeah kinda. Productive anyway. Cleaning etc._

He debated for a second, then snapped a quick selfie of him with Quila still on his lap, and sent it.

The pause was longer this time before Kyo replied with several exclamation points. Then,

**Kyo** : _Soft._

**Die** : _lol, yes she is._

**Kyo** : _When can I meet her?_

Die worried his lip with his teeth, and considered his answer. He’d have been happy to have Kyo over right at that moment to snuggle with his cat to his heart’s content, but he didn’t want to be too forward.

**Die** : _You could meet her tomorrow, if you want? We could come back here after coffee and watch a movie or something._

**Die** : _My apartment’s pretty small, but the TV setup’s not bad._

He stared warily down at his phone, unsure if it was too much, inviting Kyo back to his place on the first date. Not that it had to be anything more than a friendly movie, but Kyo could take the invitation the wrong way…

**Kyo** : _Yeah that sounds fine._

Die laughed again at the lackluster response, but he opted not to take it too personally. He was grateful that it was a positive response at all.

**Die** : _Great. You’re lucky, i really cleaned up the place today._

**Kyo** : _I’m sure it was no worse than mine_

**Kyo** : _And on that note i need to go because my laundry just finished. But i’ll see you tomorrow._

He sent one more text with his address, and Die confirmed that he’d be there to pick him up at six pm for coffee.

Die flopped back on his bed, startling Quila out of his lap, and too high in the clouds to really notice. Sure, he knew by the next day his nerves would have set in, but for the moment he was just floating with the joy of knowing he would get to see Kyo for coffee, that Kyo was going willingly on a date with him, and that Kyo wanted to meet his cat.

It was so far from anything he could have imagined being excited about only a few months ago, but the mere idea of Kyo wanting to spend time one-on-one with him, doing fun casual stuff, like watching a movie, had Die grinning so widely that his cheeks hurt. He’d have to dial it back a little before he actually went to pick Kyo up, but for tonight, he could be as embarrassingly happy about the whole thing as he pleased, and no one but his cat could judge him for it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okaaaay, here is the long-awaited date!  
> A couple notes: Somehow, them going out is not the end of the fic. Like, not even close, maybe not halfway, I'm not totally sure. But you can think of this as maybe the end of the first... Act? Maybe it's a good time to go take a break and have a snack if you're binge-reading this for some reason!  
> Also, there's some, ehh, reluctant smut in this chapter. Consent is there, but I did wanna give some small warning in case it makes anyone uncomfortable because one party is yeah, reluctant, at least at first.
> 
> Thanks for reading, as always! Please enjoy!!

Die woke before his alarm went off, in a state of some agitation. He’d been plagued most of the night by dreams about his upcoming date with Kyo; the last one he remembered had featured a plot line about Kyo canceling the date because he found out red wasn’t Die’s natural hair color.

This led to Die getting out of bed earlier than necessary just so he could stare at his hair in the mirror. Of course logically he knew the dream had been utterly unrealistic, but as expected, his anxiety about the date had set in overnight, and he was hopeless to fight it. 

He started his work shift with unsettling dream memories still playing in his mind, distracted from them only when Kaoru approached his work station, mumbling into his walkie-talkie and looking like he’d trade his left arm for a nap. He didn’t say anything to Die, just stood there, leaning against his counter, listening for a response on his radio.

Die listened, too, for lack of anything better to do. When a full minute of silence had passed, he tilted his head, trying to catch Kaoru’s eye without startling him. “Did you need help with something?”

Kaoru cringed, like the thought of needing help pained him. “There are some items that need to be stocked. From the go-back bins.”

“Which department?” Die asked. It clearly wasn’t his, since alcohol wasn’t allowed to be re-shelved if it had been returned.

“Front lanes and guest services,” Kaoru said guiltily. “But I promise not to make you cashier this time.”

Die sighed. “The cart’s up at guest service?”

“Thank you,” Kaoru said. “I owe you one.”

“That’s gotta be more than one that you owe me by now,” Die said with a laugh, and he shut down his station, leaving his _CLOSED_ sign on the counter before he headed up to the front of the store.

No one was manning the guest service desk this early in the morning. If anyone came in and needed to make a return or get additional assistance, Kaoru would just step in to help, but in general things were pretty quiet.

Although Die made a show of complaining the truth was that he didn’t mind stocking and shelving. It was peaceful work, it kept his hands busy, and before he knew it, an hour had passed, and Toshiya arrived to start his shift.

“He’s got you over here again?” he said with a raised eyebrow as he settled himself behind the counter, and found Die facing up the packs of gum in the queuing area. 

“I don’t mind helping out,” Die said. “At least it keeps me occupied.”

“Something bothering you?”

“Dreaming again.”

“About Kyo?” Toshiya asked in a hushed voice.

“Yeah, but not the fun kind this time.” Die shrugged. “All night I couldn’t stop having these nightmares. There was one where he admitted he’d only agreed to go out with me out of pity. I dunno, I’m just nervous about our date tonight.”

Toshiya’s eyes went wide, and Die thought he was going to throw himself over the counter to get closer. “You guys have a date _tonight_? Why the _fuck_ didn’t you tell me about this development?”

“I… I don’t know. I guess I’ve just been distracted?”

“Well, nothing’s distracting you right now, so you’d better tell me _everything_ ,” Toshiya said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Die continued his stocking work, but he filled Toshiya in on everything; how Kyo had thought he was dating Shinya, how they were going for coffee, the possibility that Kyo would come back to Die’s apartment after to meet his cat. Toshiya listened with interest to the whole thing, but reserved comment until Die was finished.

“So you’re bringing him back to your place after, on the first date?” Toshiya seemed impressed. “I wonder how that’s gonna go.”

Die dragged a hand down his face. “Oh god, I have no idea.”

“Are you gonna, try to, uh…” Toshiya gave him a meaningful look.

“No!” Die said quickly. “I mean—Probably not?” He let himself think about it for all of a few seconds—Kyo sitting on his bed, looking at him with those deep, unreadable eyes—and his brain almost ceased to function altogether. “I. Um.”

“You can at least try for a kiss?” Toshiya suggested.

Kissing Kyo. Die’s brain let out a wisp of smoke as the final circuits fried.

“Ooor, I guess you can just feel it out, see how it goes.”

Die swallowed and forced himself to nod. “Yeah, we’ll just see.”

It wasn’t too much longer until Kaoru released Die back to his own section of the store, though he made a point to remind him again about Sunday’s rehearsal before he did.

“We’ll be going over the setlist again, so it should be pretty straightforward,” he said, distractedly flipping through papers on his clipboard. “If you have a chance, can you work on that one solo? It’s almost there, I know.”

He hardly waited for a response before he was gone again, and Die left the go-backs task in Toshiya’s capable hands.

The rest of the shift passed without major incident, and Die kept himself sufficiently focused on other things so he wasn’t stuck obsessing over the idea of kissing Kyo for the next six hours solid. Toshiya gave him an encouraging hug as he left the store, and he headed home to shower and dress for the evening.

He could say with total confidence, as he changed his shirt for the fourth time in a row, that he had never in his life been so nervous for a date. And it wasn’t even something high-pressure—for Christ’s sake, it was fucking _coffee_. It was just the nature of Kyo. He was somehow like a cranked-up version of a regular human, more intimidating, more intense, just _more._

Die didn’t see how he could possibly think he was going to keep Kyo entertained for a whole evening. What would happen if he got bored, realized what a dull person Die was, and opted to peace out of Die’s life forever? Surely someone like Kyo had to have expectations beyond ownership of a soft and photogenic cat.

Die shook off that whole train of thought. He couldn’t think like that or he wouldn’t last fifteen minutes of this date. He put back on the second shirt he’d tried, did finishing touches on his hair and makeup, and was out the door to pick up Kyo.

The drive to Kyo’s apartment complex was shorter than Die anticipated, meaning that he was there early, and had to sit awkwardly in the car for several minutes before he felt like he could text Kyo and say he was outside.

Kyo didn’t give him time to worry that he didn’t receive his text, just sent a short reply that he was on his way down.

Die did a last-minute check for any trash or other gross stuff around his car, and then he spotted Kyo coming out of the building towards him, and his stomach turned inside-out.

He looked as moody as ever, his hands stuffed into the pockets of a jacket that looked a little bit too big for him, but he wasn’t wearing a face mask, and Die was beyond excited at the prospect of seeing him smile.

“Hey!” Die said eagerly as Kyo opened the passenger door and climbed in. “How’s your day been?”

Kyo went stiff. “Fine.” He glanced over at Die. “I’m sorry, I’m not good at smalltalk. I just feel like it’s phony.”

“Oh, well, okay,” Die said. He wasn’t willing to see it as a bad sign for the start of their evening. “What kind of talk do you prefer?”

Kyo made a face. “I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately.”

“Jesus, are you serious? That’s what you want to discuss instead?”

“Does it make you uncomfortable?”

It felt like a challenge, and Die considered it for a moment. “Honestly? No. It just kinda cracks me up.”

That got him Kyo’s first smile of the night. “Me, too.”

Die drove them to the coffee shop he’d picked out, Kyo chattering the whole time about some piece he’d been reading on different theories about an afterlife. Kyo didn’t believe in any of them, as Die found out, but he was fascinated by humankind’s desperation to explain anything beyond what they could feasibly learn.

“The stories are great,” Kyo was saying as they parked. “All the variations between cultures, religions… It’s badass as mythology.”

“You just don’t believe any of it,” Die said, turning to grab his leather jacket from the backseat.

“No, not at all,” Kyo said. He paused with his hand on the door handle, and looked at Die. “I’m sorry, I hope I haven’t said anything that’s offended you. I didn’t even ask.”

Die shook his head quickly. “You’re fine.” He got out of the car and waited for Kyo to follow. “I don’t have any strong spiritual preferences myself, and I’m enjoying hearing you talk about it.”

“Sometimes I’m insensitive,” Kyo said, frowning. “I’ve been told.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Die reassured him. “You haven’t offended me in the slightest so far.”

Kyo smiled, a small, tentative thing, and they went into the coffee shop.

Die managed to pay for both their drinks, despite Kyo’s quiet insistence that it wasn’t necessary.

“I’ll pay next time then,” Kyo said, and Die’s heart nearly hurled itself full-force out through his nostrils at the implication of a future date.

As they sat with their coffees, Die took up the conversation, following along the lines they’d been on in the car. “So what about ghosts?”

Kyo grinned. “As stories? Love them. Some of my favorites. I’d love to meet a ghost, too, hear what they have to say about death and anything beyond.”

Die tilted his head. “You believe in ghosts?”

“I mean,” Kyo said, his mouth sideways. “Not like I think they’re real. But the idea of them…”

Die laughed and nodded. “I get it. I don’t think I’d want to meet a ghost, though. When I was a kid, we used to live right by this cemetery, and I’d always take the shortcut through it on my way home from school.” He scooted his cup around and then crossed his arms, leaning his elbows on the table. “My grandmother told me that the ghosts would come out of their graves and come after me if I got in trouble.”

“Wow,” Kyo said. “I guess that only works if you think spirits are something that’s going to hurt you.”

“I’d seen enough movies to know they were fucking terrifying.”

At Kyo’s brief laugh, Die felt himself melting. He had it bad.

Kyo went on to talk about some movie that he insisted _wasn’t_ horror, that would transform the way Die thought about ghosts completely, with an enthusiasm that Die had scarcely heard from him. It was something he wanted to hear a lot more.

“How about that, then?” Die said. “That can be the movie we watch, when you come meet Quila.”

“I do think it’s on Netflix…”

“Then it’s perfect,” Die said, smiling. “We can go now! If you want.”

Kyo hesitated, then nodded. “I kind of really want to watch it now.”

“Let’s go!” Die got up from the table, made sure he had all his things with him, and walked with Kyo out of the cafe.

They kept talking throughout the drive to Die’s apartment, and it was almost strange how comfortable it felt, like it was something they’d always done, like Kyo wasn’t one of the most imposing people Die had ever met in his life. The longer they talked the more easily Kyo laughed, and bit by bit, his hard exterior was chipping away to reveal someone warm and open, who Die wanted to know more and more.

The conversation circled back to Die’s childhood fear when Kyo expressed concern that his movie suggestion might end up scaring him. 

“It’s not like I’m _still_ afraid of ghosts,” Die said as they climbed the stairs to his floor. “Logically, I know they’re not real and they’re not going to harm me. My grandma just had this way of being very convincing about things, and as a result, they’re not my favorite kind of Spirits, if you know what I mean.”

“Just making sure,” Kyo said. “Wouldn’t want to risk triggering some traumatic response.”

“Nah, I’m past that,” Die said. He unlocked his front door and let Kyo go in ahead of him, nerves fluttering in his stomach once again.

It was a small apartment, one main room, a bathroom with an attached shower area, and a little kitchenette. His bed also served as living room sofa, and he felt sort of exposed, having Kyo walk right into it like that, but before he could apologize for the meager space, Kyo was setting his shoes neatly in the genkan and looking around.

He slipped his jacket off his shoulders and Die hung it on a hook next to his own. “Where’s the cat?”

“Oh!” Die called Quila, and shook the little bag of treats he kept near the door, which brought her running out from the bathroom, chirping with interest.

In an instant, Kyo had scooped her up in his arms, and was whispering affectionately to her, how she was just as sweet as the pictures he’d seen and he’d been looking forward to meeting her. She didn’t seem too distressed by the new attention.

Die smiled and headed over to get Netflix set up on the TV. “You can come sit over here on the bed. It’s kind of the couch, too, so…” He shrugged. At least he felt confident he hadn’t left anything truly embarrassing lying around, what with all the cleaning he’d been doing.

Kyo moved farther into the apartment with a cautious air, and sat on the edge of the bed with the cat still in his arms. “Nice place.”

Die glanced at him. “You don’t have to say that, I know it’s just a little studio, but eh. I work retail. Living here means I can spend more money on things I want to spend it on.”

Kyo nodded. “I wasn’t being insincere. This place seems to suit your needs, and I like how you’ve decorated it. It shows your character nicely.”

Die looked around at what he had on the walls and shelves. He didn’t usually think about it much of course, since he lived there, but he supposed Kyo was right. It was pretty representative of him.

It didn’t take long to find the movie Kyo had recommended on Netflix, and once it was playing, Die came to join Kyo on the bed, though he left a generous distance between them; he didn’t want Kyo to feel crowded, after all.

The movie progressed, Quila scampered off, and Kyo still sat perched on the very edge of the bed like he was ready to jump up at a moment’s notice. Die wanted to invite him to relax, but he didn’t honestly know whether Kyo was uncomfortable, or that was just what he was _like_.

All the same, it was a little difficult for even _Die_ to relax and enjoy the movie with Kyo that tense. They’d been having such an easy time when they’d just been hanging out and talking, Die had to wonder, was it really just being at his apartment, sitting on his bed that was putting Kyo off? Was it something Die had done, some poor show of hospitality?

It was somewhere around an hour into the movie when Die got up (careful to go when it didn’t seem like an important scene), and excused himself to get a bottle of water from the kitchen.

“Do you want anything?” he offered, but Kyo shook his head politely, so he just went.

It wasn’t much of a journey, but Die still took the time to consider how things were going. Maybe it had been a mistake to invite Kyo back to his place on their first date. He could have just waited—Kyo had even suggested that there would be a next time, so he didn’t need to feel rushed.

At the same time, he couldn’t deny the excitement that he felt at having Kyo there, sitting on his bed at that very moment. He’d had dreams about Kyo in that same bed, which of course Kyo had no knowledge about. What would he say if he knew the things Die had lain right there and thought about him?

Die took a steadying breath. That was getting way ahead of himself. He took his water bottle back to the other room and climbed onto the bed, scooting back so he could lean comfortably against the wall. “Did I miss anything?”

Kyo shook his head. “She just got the letter.”

“The one the other girl was writing before?”

“Mmhmm. She didn’t really get it, though.”

“Like she didn’t get that the other girl’s dead?”

“Shh!” Kyo turned to look at him. “You’re not supposed to know that yet!”

“Oops.” Die set his water to the side and decided to make a bold move. He held his arm out. “Wanna cuddle?”

Kyo didn’t move. For a solid ten seconds, Die was convinced he was going to just get up and leave, and how could Die have been so stupid as to suggest such a thing?

Then Kyo said, “Okay.”

Die was too shocked to respond further, and just watched as Kyo shifted back until Die’s arm was around him. He didn’t lean into Die’s body at all; on the contrary, he stayed just as stiff as before, his arms crossed over his chest as he settled back against the wall. But the nearness of him still set Die’s heart pounding.

“I’m not crushing your arm?” Kyo said.

“No,” Die said. He resisted the growing urge to nestle in closer. Kyo was close enough that he could smell him, and it was both comforting and terribly tantalizing. Hoping against hope that it didn’t come out sounding creepy, he murmured, “You smell good.”

Kyo just looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Do I? I hope I don’t really smell like anything.”

Again, Die stopped himself from leaning in, breathing in Kyo’s scent more deeply. “Just clean. Maybe it’s your natural smell.”

“Yikes.”

Okay, so maybe it had come out sounding a little creepier than Die had hoped, but it wasn’t like Kyo was moving away from him or anything, so it couldn’t have been _too_ bad.

Still, Die opted to go back to watching the movie quietly.

It was hard to focus on the movie with Kyo that close to him, and probably he should have anticipated that, given how long he’d been mooning over Kyo from a distance. He idly rubbed his hand up and down Kyo’s arm, felt the muscles under his sweater, the ones he’d seen when Kyo had been shirtless, all gloriously fit and covered in tattoos.

Kyo was still tense, but Die could feel the heat of him pressed up against his side and he wanted him closer, warmer, on top of him or below him, anywhere he could reach all of him at once—

Kyo laughed softly at something happening in the movie, and Die tried to rein himself in. He’d missed the last ten minutes of dialogue and he could feel a dangerous heat creeping low up his thighs to settle in his groin. He tried to shift as discreetly as possible. He didn’t want to pull away from Kyo, but he was starting to worry about the position in which he’d placed himself. He should have known that cuddling would only make him want more.

“Are you uncomfortable?” Kyo asked, observing his slight squirming.

Die shook his head hurriedly. “I’m good.”

The remainder of the movie continued on like that, with Die wholly distracted from anything happening onscreen. He was paying far more attention to the tiny ways in which Kyo’s body was starting to relax beside him; the line of his shoulders sloping, his breathing going soft and regular. His arms were still crossed over his chest, keeping him completely closed off physically, but he didn’t seem as tense overall.

In time, it came to what was clearly the final scene, and Die felt himself starting to panic. What was going to happen when the movie ended? They’d all say what a nice time they’d had and he’d drive Kyo home? He didn’t want to lose the physical contact with him, he needed to prolong it as much as he could—or at the very least…

Yes, he came to the decision within himself, and as soon as the end credits started rolling, he turned to Kyo, and with significantly more confidence than he actually felt, he leaned in and lightly touched Kyo’s face, tilting it until he could kiss him.

Kyo didn’t resist the kiss at all, but he wasn’t surging forward to respond to it either. He just let it happen.

And then Die kissed him again, and again, more deeply, and Kyo parted his lips for him, unfolded his arms fully, to rest his hands on Die’s shoulders instead.

Die was falling. There was nothing below to catch him and he didn’t want to land anyway, he just wanted to keep kissing Kyo until all the air was gone from his body, and all that was left was the sensation of Kyo’s lips, surprisingly soft and open.

Tentatively he guided Kyo with his body to lie back against the bed, so he was leaning over him, but Kyo made no objection, just kept kissing Die with a slowly growing hunger.

Die’s hunger was not growing as slowly. The longer he went on like this, the more he wanted to totally devour Kyo, to _consume_ him, if that didn’t sound so extreme and cannibalistic. He started kissing down Kyo’s neck and got a quiet gasp that he wanted to savor. He worked to get more of those delicious sounds out of him, licking when his collarbone was exposed by the low neck of his sweater, and then sucking lightly at his Adam’s apple.

One of Kyo’s hands slid into Die’s loose hair and he almost moaned, leaning into that warmth. He pulled back to look at Kyo, to see those eyes staring darkly back at him for a few seconds, then dove in to kiss his mouth again, desperate for it.

The kiss grew dirtier, Die’s tongue pushing and sliding alongside Kyo’s own, and he felt Kyo shudder beneath him. God, he wanted more of that. He let one hand slip up under Kyo’s shirt, and felt him inhale at the new touch. He skimmed up over Kyo’s impressive abs, and flattened his hand against his chest, where he could feel Kyo’s nipple hardening under his palm. He moaned softly into Kyo’s mouth as he adjusted to drag his thumb over the nub, then circled it and pulled at it until Kyo squirmed, his grasp on Die’s hair tightening in a way that was just on the pleasurable side of painful.

That was about all it took for Die’s brain to completely sever from his body, and in the next second he was fumbling with the fly of Kyo’s jeans. He had to be closer, had to see and touch him—except all at once Kyo’s voice came crashing through the fog of his lust-addled mind.

“Die—wait, wait, wait.”

Instantaneously, Die’s hands were off him, though he stayed close. He was breathing hard, all those heated kisses having taken their toll on his air supply. “Too fast?” 

“A little,” Kyo said with a bemused tilt of his head.

Die sighed. “Okay. I’m sorry. You’re just… I’m sorry.” It was hard to ease himself back from that level of need, and Kyo still looked so incredible, lying sprawled on his bed, shirt rucked up and exposing his flat stomach, lips red and swollen from bites and kisses. Die tried to keep his focus. “The kissing was okay?”

Kyo made a little pouty face, like he really had to think about it. “No, yeah, the kissing was fine. Just caught me by surprise a little bit.” 

“Should I have asked first?” Die said. He’d always thought it was kind of a sweet, romantic thing, to ask someone permission before kissing them, and he really _wanted_ that, wanted to be that for Kyo, but in the moment, he hadn’t been able to think clearly enough for such things. “I thought about it, wanted to be a gentleman, but I think I was afraid I’d lose my nerve.”

Kyo shook his head and pushed a few strands of Die’s hair back from his face. “It was okay. I wouldn’t have minded you asking, but it was fine that you didn’t. I just think I’m… out of practice, so sorry about that.”

Die blinked at him. “Out of practice… with kissing, you mean?”

“Mmhmm. I told you, my ex and I broke up over a year ago,” Kyo said. He swallowed and Die couldn’t help but watch the movement of this throat. “I haven’t been with anyone since.”

Die didn’t hide his surprise at that. How the hell did someone like Kyo go over a year without being _kissed_? He was one of the most kissable people Die had ever had the pleasure of—but then, he supposed that he knew that only because he _knew_ Kyo. The face Kyo showed to most people—half-covered by a mask, glaring—might not have attracted a lot of potential partners.

“Well, I didn’t notice at all,” Die said. “I think… kissing you is one of my new favorite things.”

Kyo snorted. “What kind of line is that?”

Die really hadn’t meant it as a line, and ducked his head in embarrassment. “I’m kind of making an ass of myself, aren’t I?”

There was a hint of a smile in Kyo’s voice as he said, “Only kind of.”

“Can I kiss you again?”

Kyo looked at him, as if searching his face for something, and nodded.

“And,” Die said, plucking at Kyo’s sweater, “Can I take this off?”

Kyo huffed out a small laugh and sat up, pulling his sweater and shirt off as he did so. He let them fall to the side of the bed and leaned back on his hands.

This time Die was sure Kyo knew he was staring. Unlike the countless incidents at the store, or in rehearsal, there was nothing remotely subtle about the way Die’s gaze was roaming over Kyo’s body, cataloguing and admiring every inked line, every curve of beautifully sculpted muscle, every light and faded scar. Kyo was a masterpiece and for this shining moment, he was Die’s to behold.

“You were going to kiss me again?” Kyo reminded him gently.

So Die leaned in and kissed Kyo’s chest, along one pectoral and down his sternum, until Kyo was lowering himself to lie back against the mattress once more. Die dipped his tongue into Kyo’s bellybutton briefly before working his way back up over his abs. He took his time tracing them, listening to the hitch in Kyo’s breath, then moved back up to get his mouth on one of Kyo’s perfect nipples, licking and sucking at it until he earned his first moan from Kyo.

It was a small thing, felt like it had slipped out entirely by accident, which as far as Die was concerned, just made it hotter. One of Kyo’s hands was in Die’s hair again, his fist tight, but not pulling, and Die made careful note of his reactions.

When Die’s teeth grazed the nipple he was working on, Kyo let out a soft little cry, and his hips jerked. So Die did it again, and Kyo made a distressed sort of sound and tugged at Die’s hair.

“Fuck, Kyo,” Die whispered as he switched to the other side, “Why are you so hot?”

Kyo laughed breathlessly and pulled at Die’s hair again. “C’mere.”

Willingly, Die moved up to kiss Kyo properly, but Kyo was more worked up now, and he bit at Die’s lips, licked into his mouth, kissed him with a power and force that left Die dizzy.

When at last he pulled back from the kiss, Kyo’s head rested back against the bed and his eyes were closed. “What time is it?”

Die’s stomach dropped. Was Kyo planning on leaving all of a sudden? What had he done wrong? He’d thought they were working towards… something. His eyes flicked to the clock under the TV. It _was_ getting late, already nearing eleven pm. He read off the time for Kyo.

Kyo groaned and looked over at the TV, too. It had returned to the Netflix home screen. “It’s late.”

“Yeah, kind of,” Die said. “Lucky we don’t have work tomorrow, huh?”

Kyo gave him a dubious look. “Yeah, but I still have shit to do in the morning.”

“Early?”

Kyo nodded, and much to Die’s displeasure, sat up. “I should get going soon.”

“You don’t have to catch a train or anything though,” Die said. “I can drive you, you don’t have to go yet.”

“No, but, I should,” Kyo said. He stood up and bent to retrieve his clothing from the floor, taunting Die with his spectacular backside as he did so. He separated his shirt from his sweater, and turned them both right-side out.

Everything about the silence of the room felt crushing and loud, and Die watched as Kyo pulled his t-shirt on, too frozen to do anything to stop him. Where had this gone south? He must have done something to scare Kyo off, and he couldn’t even tell at this point if he was going to get that second date or not.

It was too quiet. The soundlessness of it all was filling his head, smothering him, and in an act of desperation, he said loudly, “Alexa! Play something romantic!”

Music started playing, but it didn’t do much to improve the atmosphere, because then Kyo was just looking at him, judgment and disbelief all over his face.

Die lay back on the bed in a manner that he meant to be inviting. “Stay a little longer?”

“Are you going to bed?” Kyo said doubtfully, his sweater still hanging from one hand.

Okay, that wasn’t working. Die got to his feet and pulled Kyo close to him. “I don’t want you to leave yet. I really like you.”

“You don’t even know me,” Kyo said. Then he wrinkled his nose. “ _This_ is on your romantic seduction playlist? Sounds like a boyband.”

“Alexa, skip this song,” Die said, so far past embarrassed by the untimely revelation of his musical tastes that he couldn’t even tell whether he was blushing. “I don’t know what’s on here,” he said, and nosed at the hair behind Kyo’s ear. “Can I kiss you?”

Kyo sighed, but he nodded, leaned into it as Die started kissing his jaw and neck. He breathed in sharply through his nose as Die’s tongue pressed hard at the area below his ear.

Die couldn’t stop, didn’t _want_ to stop. He pulled Kyo closer, his hands roaming down his sides until he could hold his hips, lift his shirt enough to rub his thumb over one of Kyo’s hipbones. He nipped at Kyo’s neck and Kyo moaned, so he bit down harder, got a full-body shudder and a groan.

“Die…” Kyo’s voice was strained and needy, and Die wanted to give him everything.

“I just want to make you feel good,” Die murmured between kisses to Kyo’s pulse point. “Would you let me do that?” He cupped Kyo’s jaw with one hand and kissed him, slow and teasing and filthy, until he could feel Kyo’s fingers clutching at the front of his button-down. He took Kyo’s hand, eased it away from his shirt and brought it to his mouth, kissing his palm and then licking up the length of his first two fingers.

Kyo gasped and his eyes went wide in time to see Die getting to his knees before him. “W-wait…”

Die nuzzled against Kyo’s crotch and looked up at his face. He could feel how hot he was, radiating through the material of his jeans, could feel the shape of him as he filled out. He pressed a kiss to the base of Kyo’s hardening cock, and breathed in deep, hungry for the scent of him. He could feel his own cock responding, knew that he’d probably be leaking soon. But all he cared about at the moment was bringing Kyo as much pleasure as he possibly could.

He ran his mouth up and down the length of Kyo’s denim-covered cock, mapping the outline of him, wetting the fabric with his saliva. 

Kyo squirmed where he held his hips. “I—I don’t—”

Die looked up at him again, the flat of his tongue dragging up the front of Kyo’s pants. “What’s wrong?” he asked, pausing to lick his lips. “It doesn’t feel good?” He didn’t know what had gotten into him. He had to have lost his last shred of sanity and was operating under some wholly other set of morals than the ones that usually managed him, but the way Kyo’s hips bucked and his mouth fell open was too perfect for him to want to stop.

“It—Die, oh, _fuck_ ,” Kyo said, and before Die could fully register what was happening, Kyo was ripping his fly open and shoving his jeans down under the swell of his ass, letting his gorgeous cock spring free.

Die took the invitation eagerly, went straight to lapping at the head, and only paused to tell Kyo that he tasted fucking delicious before he closed his lips around the shaft and sucked hard.

Kyo looked down at him with eyes that seemed too large and dark. He thrust shallowly in and out of the heat of Die’s mouth, watching in a kind of awe as his length disappeared past Die’s lips. “So good,” he whispered, petting Die’s hair with one hand.

Die moaned, and had to palm at the erection tenting his own pants, unable to help himself. The weight of Kyo on his tongue was everything he’d ever wanted, the scent of him was overwhelming, and every sound that tumbled from Kyo’s lips pushed Die closer to his own release. 

He bobbed his head in time with Kyo’s thrusts, taking him in deeper each time until his eyes were watering. He pulled back to suck at the head, to flick his tongue quickly over the sensitive spot just below the glans.

“Shit,” Kyo breathed, his head tipping forward. “Oh—oh god.” His eyes closed, and Die felt him twitching against his tongue. “I’m—No, fuck, I’m—”

Die held him firm, reaching the hand he’d been using to ease some of his own pressure up to gently squeeze Kyo’s sac, and that was the last straw before Kyo panted roughly and spilled into Die’s mouth. Die swallowed and took his time in cleaning Kyo with his tongue, enjoying the taste of him more than he could remember having done with anyone else.

Kyo’s legs were shaking, so Die helped him to turn so he could sit back down on the bed, but he himself stayed kneeling, looking up at Kyo with need and hope and something like fear.

“Goddammit, Die,” Kyo said tiredly. “I was trying to leave.” He wiped a stray tear from the corner of Die’s eye.

“Was it so terrible?” Die asked, leaning one elbow on the mattress.

“Not terrible,” Kyo said, but he didn’t look… _happy_ in the way that Die might have liked him to.

Die was still aching and hard, but he ignored it and stood up, offering a hand to Kyo to help him up as well. He waited for Kyo to do up his pants, then tipped his chin up so he could kiss him again, as sweetly and gently as he deserved.

When they parted, Kyo bit his own lip and said, “You taste like me.”

Die groaned, his still very interested dick throbbing at the words, and yanked Kyo in to kiss him again. Everything about him just drove Die so wild he could hardly think. He was sure no one had ever incapacitated him so much, even in his teenage years.

Kyo’s hands rested lightly on Die’s chest, but didn’t push him away. He spoke against Die’s mouth, “I really do need to get home.”

Die nodded. He didn’t want him to leave, and was tempted to beg him to spend the night, just so he could stay with Kyo warm in his arms until morning, but he knew Kyo didn’t have anything with him, and that he’d already convinced him to stay longer than he’d planned. “I’ll drive you.”

“It’s not too much trouble for you?”

“Of course not,” Die said. He kissed Kyo’s forehead. “I’m just gonna use the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

He headed quickly to the bathroom, and got his erection down enough to take a piss. He wasn’t going to be getting off, but in a way, he really didn’t mind. Getting to be the one to make Kyo come undone like that had been beyond satisfying. He washed up, fixed his disheveled hair, and came out of the bathroom to find Kyo kneeling and playing with the cat once again.

“You guys bonding?” Die asked as he moved to grab their jackets from where they hung by the door.

“We’re pretty much best friends now,” Kyo said. “She likes to hold my hand.”

“I don’t blame her,” Die said, grinning. “But I admit she’s not usually nearly this sociable.”

Kyo shrugged. “Neither am I.”

The drive back to Kyo’s was quick and easy, and Die didn’t really know how to say goodnight to him. Should he get out of the car so he could kiss him properly? Just drop him off?

Kyo made the decision for him, by taking off his seatbelt and leaning to give him a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for driving me. And for the whole evening.”

“You’re welcome.” Die caught his hand and squeezed. “Would you… Do you think I could see you again?”

Kyo half-smiled. “You’ll see me tomorrow—later _today_ , technically, at rehearsal.”

“You know what I mean.”

Kyo’s gaze wandered. “Yeah, I think so. I’ll have to see when I’m off next week.”

“Right, me too.” Die wanted to say more, but he stopped himself. He didn’t want to go making it weird by gushing about how he could hardly wait for another chance to see him. “I had a really good time. With you.”

“Yeah, it was good,” Kyo said. He squeezed Die’s hand and gingerly pulled away. “I’ll see you. Drive safe.” And with that he got out of the car and waved once more before going up towards his building.

Die watched him go, feeling almost as nervous as he had at the start of their date. He couldn’t be sure whether he’d actually fucked the whole thing up or it was just that Kyo was really difficult to read. Either way, he knew he wouldn’t stop thinking about it until he saw him again.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes a little angst~

If Die slept at all, it wasn’t enough to leave any lasting impression of rest. Most of the night was spent reliving select moments from his date with Kyo, or else drowning in a sea of self-loathing and disgust.

What had he been _thinking_? How could he possibly justify his behavior, acting like a pathetic, desperate creep, persisting with his efforts even after Kyo had told him to slow down? He hadn’t even been drinking, he’d just lost his mind for no tangible reason!

And the worst part was, thinking about Kyo, about his lips against his, about his tattooed skin and muscled body, about his thick, velvety-smooth cock—he could easily imagine doing it all over again, the exact same way.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t horrified by how he’d acted though, and as soon as the hour didn’t seem _too_ ungodly, he was determined to text Kyo, and apologize for his, well, everything.

Unless that would just be worse? Maybe he ought to give Kyo some space, not try to smother him with contact and excuses after he’d already pressured him last night. Maybe Kyo wouldn’t want to hear from him.

Then again, he’d said Die could see him again. And he’d bonded with Die’s cat! And he’d squeezed Die’s hand before he got out of the car. So he couldn’t really hate him too much, could he?

Die opted for what he thought would make him appear a little bit more together, and instead of messaging Kyo with outright groveling, he sent him a text to say good morning, and to thank him again for a really nice evening.

To Die’s dismay, he didn’t get a response right away, and was forced to busy himself with other things. He worked on a couple of guitar solos, knowing that Kaoru would call him out on it if he didn’t, and he forced himself to remember Kyo’s claim that he was bad at remembering to text back.

The only messages he received all morning were from Shinya, making arrangements for them to go to rehearsal together.

**Shinya** : _You won’t need to pick up Kyo, too?_

**Die** : _No? He didn’t say anything about wanting a ride._

**Shinya** : _I just thought maybe with you asking him out and all that he would stop refusing your offers. Didn’t you have your date?_

**Die** : _We did but_

**Die** : _I guess we didn’t talk about it._

**Die** : _Wanna grab lunch before practice? I can tell you how everything went last night, since I know you’re dying to hear about it. =p_

**Shinya** : _As long as you can be respectful in your descriptive details, then sure._

Die told Shinya what time he’d pick him up, then sighed as he exited out of the conversation. What kind of details was Shinya expecting? He couldn’t think there would be _intimate_ details when Die knew he’d taken it too far physically. Still Die was torn between a part of his brain saying how good it had felt, how good Kyo had _tasted_ , losing himself like that—and the part saying it didn’t matter how good it felt if he’d pressured Kyo into it and it wasn’t what he’d wanted.

It wasn’t until Die was in the car on his way to pick up Shinya that Kyo finally texted him back, and he almost ran a red light in his eagerness to read the new message.

**Kyo** : _Sorry, I told you I had shit to do this morning. But yeah, I hope the movie helped you feel better about ghosts too._

Die spent too long looking at the text and someone behind him honked to tell him the light had changed to green. He didn’t quite know what to say back. The movie had been enjoyable, but he’d mostly liked that Kyo had been the one to recommend it. He’d been distracted through most of the second half, and if he was honest, he’d forgotten about it entirely until Kyo had mentioned it.

He waited until he got to another red light to respond.

**Die** : _Yeah, we should watch another movie soon!_

**Kyo** : _Your pick this time?_

Die thought about it as he started driving again. What movie would he want to make sure Kyo watched? He would be too embarrassed to suggest anything with full enthusiasm in case Kyo thought it was the stupidest movie of all time. But the idea of sharing his favorites with him made him all warm and fuzzy inside…

He pulled up outside Shinya’s building and shot him a quick text to say he was there before switching back to Kyo’s conversation. 

**Die** : _I could, or I like your suggestions, too. I like getting to know more about you. That’s what I liked so much about last night._

**Die** : _Tbh I kind of miss you already._

The passenger door opened and Die dropped his phone as quickly as if he’d been caught looking at incriminating pornography by his own mother, his hands flailing a bit as he tried to set the phone back in its mount on the dashboard.

Shinya looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Everything all right?”

“Yeah, fine, fine,” Die said hastily. “Just texting Kyo.”

“Hmm.” Shinya buckled himself in. “Texting the day after your date. I take it that means it went well?”

Die wobbled his head side to side. “I think so. I had a really nice time.” For whatever reason, he still wasn’t convinced that he and Kyo were on the same page as far as the overall success of the date.

And then there he was going around being overly honest, telling Kyo stupid things about missing him when it had barely been twelve hours…

It took Die longer than it should have to realize that Shinya was watching him as he drove. “What?”

“You were saying you were going to tell me about your date. I've been in the car nearly five minutes and I can’t help but notice you’re not talking about it.”

“Oh,” Die said. “Well, you know. It was great. We had coffee and watched a movie and he’s smart and funny and he likes my cat and he smells amazing.”

“Then why don’t you seem happier?” Shinya said. “Was there some issue with the, uh, intimacy?”

“He—um. He didn’t want to have sex,” Die said, frowning. 

“And that was a problem for you?”

“No, of course not,” Die said. “It’s not a problem.”

“So you just watched the movie and called it a night?”

“Er, no.” Die pulled into a parking spot in the lot next to their favorite okonomiyaki joint, and they got out of the car. “I kind of made an ass of myself, trying to get him to stay longer, even after he told me he needed to be heading home.”

“Ah.” Shinya grimaced. “It ended badly then?”

Die thought about it. It really _hadn’t_ ended on a bad note; it wasn’t like Kyo had pushed him away or insisted on getting home on his own. “No, I just… feel like a jerk.”

“I’m sure it’s not as bad as you feel like it was,” Shinya said. “You just said it’s not a problem for you to wait to have sex, and I’m assuming you told him the same thing.” He pushed the door to the restaurant open and the hostess directed them to a table.

Die kept his mouth clamped shut. Surely Shinya would notice any second now that he hadn’t said anything, and would see just how badly he was blushing, but he didn’t have the words to defend himself, so he sat at the table and waited for Shinya to speak. 

“Die, you did tell him that you don’t mind waiting, right?”

“We didn’t exactly… discuss it, in those words.”

Shinya looked at him with narrowed eyes. “What did you do?”

Die shrugged helplessly, glancing around the restaurant. He lowered his voice, “I just blew him…”

Shinya covered his face with one hand. “He told you he didn’t want to have sex, but you had it _anyway_?” he hissed.

“Not _sex_ sex!” Die said. “I just—”

“Okay, sure,” Shinya cut him off. “Then why are you acting so guilty?”

“Because,” Die said miserably, “Because you’re right. He wanted to slow down, and I… didn’t. But he seemed like. I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling despicable.”

Shinya pursed his lips. He called the waitress over and ordered all the things they usually got when they came there. It was another full minute before he spoke to Die again. “I wasn’t there, and I do _not_ want to know enough specific details to determine if it was a… consensual situation or not. But I hope you are going to be more respectful of his boundaries going forward—assuming that he wants to go forward.”

Die nodded. It was beyond humiliating; this wasn’t something Shinya should need to lecture him on. It was suddenly easier to understand how Kyo’s ex had taken things way too far and crossed a line that should have been very clear when looking at it with any kind of mental clarity.

A vibration in Die’s pocket pulled his attention, and he took out his phone to find a new text from Kyo.

**Kyo** : _Pfft, yeah right. You probably say that to all the boys._

Die’s heart leapt. Unless he was reading it somehow horribly wrong, that was a flirty response. Kyo was still flirting with him!

“What’s all that?” Shinya asked.

“Kyo texted me,” Die said happily. He bit his lip, thinking what to say next. 

“So he’s still speaking to you,” Shinya said, and took a sip of his water. “I suppose that’s a good sign.”

**Die** : _There aren’t all that many boys. And I mean it with you._

Die sent the text, and took a deep breath as he typed another.

**Die** : _In all seriousness, I haven’t stopped thinking about you. You have such an amazing energy about you and you’re really different from anyone I’ve ever gone out with, or even met._

**Die** : _I was really pushy last night and I wanted to apologize. I didn’t mean to come off like that, and I’m sure I made a pretty shitty impression for our first date. I swear I’m not usually like that, I’m really sorry._

“You writing him a novel over there?” Shinya’s voice interrupted Die’s stream of consciousness.

“Um. An apology,” Die said, and set the phone on the table.

“Did he ask for one?”

“No, no,” Die said. “I just wanted him to know that I don’t think my behavior was normal or acceptable.”

Shinya nodded approvingly and their food arrived. 

While they made their okonomiyaki, Die told Shinya more about the date. He talked about Kyo’s endearing and unsurprising fascination with death, his excitement when he talked about the movie he wanted to share with Die, and was just starting in on the perfection of his lips, when Shinya held up a hand to stop him. 

“I’m not sure that’s something Kyo wants you divulging to me.”

“But he knows we’re friends,” Die said.

“Still, if you want to work harder to respect his boundaries, keeping his private life private might be a good place to start.”

“I guess so,” Die said, just the slightest bit disappointed. “I told you about that, right? How he thought we were dating?”

“‘We’ who?” Shinya said. “You mean you and _me_?”

“When I first asked him out he was pissed, thought I was going behind your back or trying to make him a secondary relationship to our primary or something.”

Shinya nodded slowly. “Of course. That’s why he never accepts when you offer him a ride to practice.”

Die hadn’t even really thought about that. “You think so?”

“I think it explains a number of things,” Shinya said, but he didn’t elaborate. “I wonder how some of the dynamic will change now that he knows the real situation.”

“And now that he and I are, kinda, you know.”

Shinya studied him for a moment. “Are you planning on seeing each other again?”

“Yeah? I mean, I want to,” Die said. “And he said we could. He even said something about what movie we’d watch next time.”

“Hmm.” Shinya poured them each more tea from the pot on the table. “I have to admit, it sounds like it all ended up rather better than I expected.”

“Nice vote of confidence there.”

“That’s not a shot at you,” Shinya said. “It’s just from what I know of Kyo, I wasn’t sure that he would be very receptive to the type of date I would expect from you. I’m pleased to have been wrong about that.”

“He’s so different when it’s just us,” Die said. “I mean, in ways he’s not, but for so long, just knowing him from work, I thought he was so cold and rude and just not interested in people or in anything.” He rubbed at his lower lip, thinking of the feeling of Kyo’s lip piercing pressing against him there. “I guess it should have been obvious that I just didn’t know.

“Things that should be obvious aren’t always,” Shinya said with a shrug.

Die jumped when Kyo’s next text arrived, but he froze, too scared to actually read it. What could he expect in response to the apology he’d given? He wanted forgiveness, but he wasn’t totally sure he deserved it. Then he also wondered if he wasn’t making it into a bigger deal than necessary, when Kyo might have been content to let the matter go without discussing it.

“What’s wrong?” Shinya said. “He didn’t like the apology?”

“I don’t know,” Die admitted, anxiety crawling up his throat and audible in his voice. “I’m afraid to read it.” He thrust the phone across the table, almost knocking over Shinya’s drink. “Read it for me?”

Shinya gave him a disdainful look. “No. I am not going to get in the middle of this. Besides, if you want a _relationship_ with Kyo, you’re going to have to get past always being afraid of him in every situation.”

Die looked down at his phone, and forced himself to unlock the screen and click on his new message.

**Kyo** : _Ha. No lie, you were really pushy last night. I appreciate the apology, but also if it had been a real problem I promise you would have known. You’re different from most of the people I’ve dated too and I meant it when I said I’d like to go out with you again. See you soon._

Die read it through several times, his heart beating too loud and fast for him to hear anything else in the restaurant.

Maybe he still didn’t understand it all, as far as why Kyo had wanted them to slow down in the first place, or why he’d been so stiff and uncomfortable with him, but none of that mattered when Kyo saw Die as _different_ from other people he’d _dated_ , and wanted to go out with him again.

Die was so deep in these thoughts that he was caught off-guard when Shinya reminded him they needed to be getting to rehearsal.

“Remember, the band?” Shinya said. “The gig we have in a matter of weeks?”

“Right, no, I didn’t forget,” Die fibbed.

Shinya was unconvinced. “Remember who else is gonna be at rehearsal?”

Die hated that he couldn’t stop his face from lighting up at the thought of seeing Kyo at the studio, and apparently Shinya hated it, too, because he got up and walked past him to the front counter of the restaurant where they could pay, muttering under his breath.

“I’m sorry, okay?” Die grumbled as they got back into the car, and he started driving them towards the rehearsal space. “I know I’m insufferable—just imagine, I have to hear all my thoughts all the time!”

“I’d rather not imagine, thank you.”

“I don’t see how it helps to tease me and then get upset when I react exactly the way you expect me to,” Die said. “I can’t just turn it off. I know I’m being obnoxious, but Kyo is like a parasite who’s completely eaten my higher brain function—”

“That’s romantic.”

“—And I can’t help it,” Die said. “I really think I’m. Falling for him.”

Shinya sighed, but seemed to find some pity for Die, because he didn’t just snarl at him the obvious: that Die had fallen for Kyo some time ago.

Kyo wasn’t there yet when they go to the studio, which was something of a relief just because Die could focus on getting his equipment set up without distraction. Shinya was quick to get into music mode, putting some distance between Die and himself, and Die couldn’t blame him.

He felt bad; he knew that Shinya really didn’t enjoy being in the midst of drama. Even if he’d admitted that he was invested in how things went, it didn’t mean he _wanted_ to be, and in spite of their regular teasing friendship, Die didn’t mean to make Shinya uncomfortable.

Toshiya arrived while Die was tuning, and from what Die had learned about him, it was a lot more difficult to make Toshiya uncomfortable. 

He came hurrying over before he even took out his instrument, and said, “Okay, short version. Date?? How was it?”

“Short version, good,” Die said.

Toshiya’s eyes widened. “Not _that_ short! Did you kiss him, are you going out again, was it hella awkward?”

“It mostly wasn’t awkward,” Die said, then pitched his voice lower as Kaoru glanced in their direction, “We’re going out again, and we kissed a lot. And. A little more.”

“Whoa, I just flashed back to high school,” Toshiya said, but he smiled. “I’m glad it went well. I was kinda nervous that he’d do something to make it weird, start talking about death or something.”

Die laughed. “Well, he didn’t make it weird.”

The door opened, and Kyo came in, seeming rushed and irritable, so Toshiya clapped Die on the back and went to start getting set up.

Kyo looked substantially different from the night before, and Die took a long moment to just take in the differences of his appearance. His hair was styled back from his face, and he’d taken a page out of Die’s book and applied some understated eyeliner. Instead of a baggy sweater, he was wearing a button-down shirt and dark pants with no holes at all. Really he looked very… put-together. On top of it all, he had a wool coat and was carrying a messenger bag that seemed overly full. He dropped it with a loud, unceremonious thud onto a chair against the wall, and rubbed both hands over his face.

Die approached cautiously, stopped a safe distance away. “Hey,” he offered.

Kyo looked up at him, and there was a moment where Die thought he might reach for him, but it passed quickly, and he shook his head. “Hey, Die.”

“Long day?” Die asked, noting the exhaustion evident in Kyo’s posture. How much did that messenger bag weigh?

“Long,” Kyo agreed, “and fucking discouraging.” 

Die cocked his head. “How so?”

“I kind of don’t want to get into it,” Kyo said. “I’m sorry.”

“No, you don’t have to be sorry,” Die said hurriedly. “I didn’t mean to pry or anything.”

“You weren’t,” Kyo said. “I’m just… tired. And talking about my day will just get me pissed off, and I don’t want you in that line of fire.” One corner of his mouth curved up. “Nice of you to ask, though.”

Die nodded. “If you ever feel like talking. About anything, you know, I’m more than willing to listen.”

Kyo looked at him strangely, but nodded, then turned to dig his lyrics out of his bag.

The rehearsal started off normal; they ran through the setlist, mistakes occurring less frequently than they had when they last met. Kaoru even went so far as to compliment Die on the work he’d clearly put into polishing one of his solos. 

There was one area, though, where the energy was off from usual, and that was with Kyo.

Several of the songs they were doing featured some darker elements, and of course Kyo always gave an impassioned performance, but this time, a greater percentage of that pain and violence was directed inwards, and it got more and more extreme, until the point where Kaoru, looking markedly uncomfortable, called for a break.

Kyo didn’t even grab a chair, he just slumped down to sit on the floor, arms draped over his knees. Whereas he’d come in looking put-together, he now was a disheveled mess: his makeup was smeared, his hair tousled, and his shirt was unbuttoned to reveal angry, red gashes he’d made dragging his nails across his own torso. He didn’t pay any mind to these facts, though. He just sat with his head tipped back and his eyes closed, looking like he was trying to will himself out of existence.

Snatching up Kyo’s water bottle from where he’d left it on his music stand, Die lowered himself to the floor beside Kyo. He wordlessly held out the water, and Kyo took it with a slight incline of his head.

Die bit his lip. He wanted to say something, but Kyo had already said that he didn’t want to talk about whatever was bothering him so much. He didn’t know Kyo well enough to tell if this was serious to the degree that they ought to call off the rest of rehearsal, or if he needed professional help, or any of that.

The rest of the band had gone to take their break outside, leaving Die and Kyo alone again, and the urge was stronger than ever to take Kyo into his arms and comfort him with physical touch, but he didn’t know if that was something that would actually be remotely helpful to Kyo. It was helpful to Die. Even just sitting on the floor with Kyo made Die feel a little better.

He was distinctly aware of the selfishness in that. Here Kyo was, clearly suffering, and Die was concerned with how it made him feel better, after witnessing Kyo’s pain, to just sit close to him. For all he knew his proximity made it worse. For all Die knew, he could have been what was hurting Kyo so much in the first place. How did he really feel about everything that had happened the night before?

The comfort of being near Kyo was starting to give way to the self-loathing caused by Die’s general shittiness, and he shifted to stand up, only to have Kyo’s quiet voice stop him.

“I don’t mind you sitting with me.” He sounded hoarse, the screaming he’d been doing through rehearsal not properly supported as it usually was. “And it. Has nothing to do with you. My mood. If you were wondering.”

“I was, a little,” Die said.

Kyo shook his head. “Just me. And my fuck-ups.”

Die frowned. He didn’t like to see Kyo being so mean to himself again. His gaze fell to Kyo’s chest, blood beading up along the torn skin. “Are you going to put something on that?”

Kyo glanced down at himself and shrugged one shoulder. “It’ll be fine.”

“Might get infected or something.”

“Not that big a deal.”

Die thought of last night, the scars he’d seen crisscrossing Kyo’s body in the dim light of his apartment. “So, this is just something that happens?”

“Now and then.”

Something about the careless way Kyo said it made Die’s stomach roll. How could he think hurting himself was an acceptable way to deal with whatever was troubling him? Die wanted to be the one to clean him up, to take care of him, to stop that kind of pain from ever reaching him again. He found his voice enough to say, “I wish it wouldn’t.”

Kyo looked at him then, but Die couldn’t read his expression.

Kaoru returned from his smoke break, pushing his hair back from his face, and came straight over to where Die and Kyo were sitting. He crouched down and rubbed his chin thoughtfully, not looking at either of them as he spoke, “I’m not going to pry into your personal business, but Kyo, do you feel up for finishing another run-through of the setlist, or do you want to call it a night?”

Die looked from Kaoru to Kyo, curious how he would answer.

“I’m good to go on,” Kyo said simply. “Ready when you are.”

Kaoru still didn’t look at him as he nodded and pushed himself up to his full height. He went to his guitar without any further discussion.

Die stood as well and held out a hand to Kyo to pull him up. He took it with a wry smile, and Die wondered if he was thinking, as Die was, about how it echoed a gesture from last night, when Die had helped Kyo stand up from his bed, post-orgasm.

Die was just picking up his guitar when Toshiya came back in from break and tapped his shoulder, concern written all over his face.

“Is Kyo okay?” he asked softly. “I mean, I knew those lyrics were dark as fuck, but I didn’t expect him to be all…”

“I don’t really know,” Die said. “But he said he’s fine to keep rehearsing. I won’t pretend I’m not worried.”

“People can get into a weird headspace though when they’re performing,” Toshiya said. “Could be he’s just really in the zone?”

“I think there’s a bit more to it than that.” Die glanced over at where Kyo was drinking from his water bottle, looking broken and small. At least he was hydrating. “But he’s not gonna tell me about it, so.”

Toshiya nodded sympathetically. Then he opened his mouth and closed it again before saying, “Ne, Die, about Shinya… Is everything all right with him?”

Die grimaced. “Sort of? Probably he’s pretty fed up with my nonsense—I mean, even more than usual. Why, he said something?”

“He just asked if I had driven today, and if he could get a ride home after practice,” Toshiya said. “I didn’t expect something like that from him, since you guys usually come and go together.”

Die wasn’t sure how to react. Shinya must have been more upset with him than he’d realized. Part of him wanted to drive Shinya home even more, so they’d have a chance to talk things out, but he knew it was better to let him have that space if he wanted it.

“You should totally drive him then,” Die said. “We’ve been seeing a lot of each other; I think he could use the break.”

“Okay,” Toshiya said. “I just hope you guys aren’t, like, actually fighting. Your friendship is basically an inspiration.”

“I don’t really know what you mean by that, but thanks?”

“You’re welcome,” Toshiya said, and gave Die a thumbs-up.

Rehearsal continued after another couple minutes, and while they made steady progress musically, Kyo’s mood did not improve. By the last song of the set he was sitting in a heap on the floor, tears on his face, his voice wrecked by a whole afternoon screeching and growling like he was being turned inside out.

Kaoru cleared his throat when everyone had stopped playing. “I don’t think we’ll have another rehearsal until next weekend. If everyone can just try to tighten up individual moments in your free time—I’ll email you with notes about specific observations I have.” He looked down at the floor with a wrinkle between his brows. “And Kyo—try to rest your voice. With a performance coming up, we can’t afford to have you blowing out your instrument. Can… can we trust you to take care of yourself?”

Kyo was still slumped on the floor, but he turned to arch an eyebrow at Kaoru. He snorted. “Sure.”

A rare series of emotions played across Kaoru’s face, and for a moment Die was sure he was going to give Kyo an earful for talking to him like that, but in the end, he just set his jaw and turned away to start putting up his gear.

Everyone else followed suit, except for Kyo, who stayed on the floor, still seeming a bit out of it. Several minutes passed before he got up and put away his mic, his steps somewhat unsteady.

Die watched him worriedly. Was he planning on getting home like this? He was going to end up hurting himself, seriously.

Toshiya and Shinya waved goodbye and were out the door by the time Kyo was trying unsuccessfully to cram his music binder back into his bag. Almost in slow-motion, it slipped out of his hand and loose papers littered the floor.

Kyo didn’t even say anything, just stared for a second until his shoulders started shaking with silent laughter.

Die moved to help him clean up, but Kaoru caught his arm and pulled him aside.

“I noticed you were sitting with him earlier,” he said, his voice low. “Did he say anything that would explain…?” He gestured vaguely.

“Just that he wasn’t having a great day.” Die looked past Kaoru to where Kyo was slowly gathering up his papers, grumbling to himself under his breath. “Maybe he’s tired.”

“Hm.” Kaoru pursed his lips. “I’ve never seen him act this way, but to be honest, I don’t know him that well.”

“None of us really do.”

“Can you… keep an eye on him?” Kaoru asked. “He seems more comfortable with you and Shinya, so if you two could just—let me know if he needs more help than we can give him.”

Die couldn’t do much besides nod soberly.

Apparently satisfied that Die could handle the situation, Kaoru took his leave.

Most of the papers were already back in order when Die came to kneel by Kyo and help him organize them.

“Thanks,” Kyo muttered, taking the last few pages from him.

“Let me drive you home,” Die said without preamble.

Kyo shook his head and managed to finagle the binder into his bag on the second try. “That’s all right.”

“You’re exhausted,” Die protested. “Shinya left with Toshiya already. Please, it’s no inconvenience to me at all.”

“I’m fine,” Kyo said, and he stood, slinging the messenger bag over his shoulder.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the bag’s strap snapped, and the whole thing fell, contents erupting out of it like they were spring-loaded.

Kyo watched it happen, and then just said, “Fuck. _Fuck_!” He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and let out a long growl of frustration.

Die put a steadying hand on his shoulder. “I’m driving you home.”

Kyo kept his hands over his face, but he nodded weakly, and didn’t stop Die from crouching to gather up his things.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, maybe we can get a little more info on Kyo today...

Kyo stubbornly insisted on carrying the guts of his ruined bag in his arms without Die’s help as they made their way to where Die had parked.

Die walked much slower than he usually would have, poised to help if Kyo dropped anything, or if he stumbled. He wasn’t wobbling much anymore, but he seemed to trip over nothing several times as they walked.

“You don’t have to hover like I’m an infant taking his first steps,” Kyo said through gritted teeth.

“Just trying to be available in case I’m needed.”

Kyo scowled, and Die could tell he was biting back whatever he’d been going to say.

When they reached Die’s car, he settled his guitar in the back and pulled a canvas shopping bag out from under the seat for Kyo to dump everything into. That done, they both climbed into the car and buckled up.

As they started driving, Die kept glancing over at Kyo beside him. He could see the top of one of the items that had been taking up so much space in Kyo’s bag poking up from the top of the canvas tote at Kyo’s feet; it was a large portfolio, and while Die had only seen the page it had fallen open to, he’d been intrigued, and was itching to ask Kyo about it. However, he wasn’t sure anything remotely personal was a good idea when Kyo was still so distraught.

“You remember how to get to my place?” Kyo asked, breaking the silence that Die had hardly registered.

“Yeah, no problem,” Die said. He wet his lips and went for it. “Hey, um, I couldn’t help but notice—was that a portfolio that was in your bag? Is that yours?” _Stupid_ question.

“Oh. Yeah.” Kyo shifted in his seat. “It’s. Fashion stuff.”

“Right, right,” Die said. “Cool.” He didn’t know why his brain seemed to have totally flaked out on his language skills, but he couldn’t spare the hand necessary to slap himself in the face while he was trying to change lanes.

Kyo sighed, and when Die glanced over again, he saw he was leaning his head against the passenger window. “That’s what I was doing today.”

“What was?”

“I had three meetings, with different fashion companies. Informal job interviews, showing my designs,” Kyo said. “And I fucked up all three of them.”

“How?”

A crumbling little laugh fell from Kyo’s mouth. “Like I know? Every time it was just the same: ‘ _Hmm, very creative, but not what we’re looking for._ ’” Another derisive noise. “Fucking elitist bullshit.”

“Maybe you just need to start smaller,” Die suggested.

“Smaller than _what_?!” Kyo said incredulously. “These are basically no-name companies, entry-level positions—one of them was for an _internship_ , but they still ask to see your portfolio, and apparently, mine fucking sucks.”

“So work up your portfolio,” Die said. “Spend time getting it to where you’re really proud of the whole thing, and then take it—”

“You’re not hearing me,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “It’s _me_ that they don’t like. The last place barely looked at two _pages_ of my actual designs. They just say it sucks because _I’m_ wrong.”

“You’re not wrong,” Die said. “Even if you’re wrong for those companies, you just said yourself, they’re nobodies. Who cares if you match what _they’re_ looking for, anyway?”

“I kinda care,” Kyo mumbled.

Die paused. It was obvious that the whole thing was really tearing Kyo up. Much as he didn’t _want_ to care, he couldn’t help that this was something he really _wanted_ , and he needed that acceptance from these people even if he disagreed with them. No wonder he was frustrated and discouraged.

“I’m sorry,” Die said, at length.

“’S’not your fault,” Kyo said. His voice was thick, like he’d been crying, but Die politely didn’t look over to confirm his suspicions.

They finished the drive to Kyo’s building without talking, and Die turned the radio louder so Kyo could sniffle in relative privacy. Instead of pulling up to the front of the building, Die parked in Kyo’s designated space, in case he’d accept help getting upstairs without further incident.

“Thank you, again,” Kyo said. “For the ride, and for… whatever.”

Die smiled. “I like helping you.”

Kyo gave him a dubious look. “I don’t know why.”

“‘Cause I like you,” Die said with a shrug.

Kyo dropped his gaze and shook his head, his tongue peeking out between his teeth cutely.

“Kyo,” Die started, then hesitated. “Look, maybe this is weird, and you can of course feel free to say no, but do you think I could see some of the designs in your portfolio?”

Kyo’s eyebrows lifted. “Um. I guess? Sure.” He bent to retrieve the oversized folder from the shopping bag, and held it on his lap for a beat before passing it over to Die.

It felt like something precious, but Die didn’t want to be too reverent in case it made Kyo uncomfortable. He just took a quiet breath and opened it to see the first work.

it was so obviously Kyo’s that Die couldn’t help but smile. The sketch was simple, done in pencils and watercolor, but the detail was so fine that Die found himself holding the page closer to better see it. There was a nice androgyny to the figure wearing the design, and a surprising liveliness in their pencil expression.

He turned the pages hungrily, admiring each work with the same dedication, and Kyo didn’t interrupt him.

Die wasn’t sure how long he’d spent going through it when he finally looked at Kyo. “These are beautiful. Like holy shit. I didn’t know you could draw like this.”

Kyo tried to say something about “nothing special,” but Die wasn’t having any of it. He grabbed Kyo’s hand, ended up with more eye contact than he knew what to do with.

“I’m serious, Kyo,” he said. “I know I’m not any fashion industry professional, so you might not think my opinion means much, but every single one of these is _great_. And they’re completely _you_.” He looked back down at the last page, something flowing and covered in a pattern of freaky eyes. “What the hell, man, why are you so talented?”

“Shut up,” Kyo said, tugging Die’s hand, but not pulling fully away.

“Shut me up,” Die challenged. He leaned just slightly into Kyo’s space, watched his gaze dart to Die’s lips and back up to his eyes.

Nothing happened, and Die was about to back off, when Kyo’s free hand suddenly came up to cup his face, and then his lips were against Die’s, warm and a little chapped, like he’d been biting them all day.

Die deepened the kiss, tilting his head for a better angle and leaning into Kyo’s touch more. His tongue slid along Kyo’s hard palate, mapped his mouth. He let out a soft sound and Kyo squeezed his hand, pulled him closer. The portfolio fell forgotten from his lap and he couldn’t stop kissing Kyo long enough to care.

Die’s hand came to rest on Kyo’s bare chest where his shirt was still hanging open, and Kyo hissed, making Die pull back.

“I’m sorry, shit, I forgot,” he said breathlessly, looking at the deep scratches he’d thoughtlessly put his hand right on. There was still blood smeared across Kyo’s ribs.

Kyo shook his head. “It’s okay, really. I didn’t mind.”

Die frowned. “You still need to clean those up.”

Kyo dropped his head back against the headrest. “Seriously?”

“I just want you to be safe,” Die said. “Put some ointment on them at least, yeah?”

“Fine,” Kyo said. He leaned across the center console, to pick up his portfolio from where it had fallen by Die’s feet. “I should go up. I have to open tomorrow.”

Die bit his tongue to keep himself from asking if he could go up with him.

“I’ll see you at the store?” Kyo said with a sideways look.

Die swallowed and nodded. “I’ll.” He swallowed again. “I’ll think of you.”

“When?”

“Tonight,” Die confessed. “I don’t think I’ll be able to help it—unless you don’t want me to.”

“Oh,” Kyo said. “You can. If you want.”

Die breathed a sigh of relief. Feeling honest, he said, “I dream about you sometimes. Maybe kind of a lot.”

“I don’t dream about you,” Kyo said. “But… I really have been thinking about you, pretty much non-stop since last night.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Kyo said. “I wish I dreamed about you. Most of my dreams are nightmares.”

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,” Die said. That seemed pretty in line with Kyo’s entire persona, after all; depression and suffering in every aspect of his life.

“Yeah, they’re not surprising,” Kyo agreed. He tipped his head to one side. “You are, though.”

“How so?”

“I didn’t think…” Kyo trailed off and tried again. “You make me want, more than I expected, more than I usually…” He shrugged. “I felt bad, last night, that you didn’t get off.”

“Never feel bad for that,” Die said. “Trust me, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I loved making you feel good.”

Kyo was looking at him curiously, one hand gripping his own thigh.

Die couldn’t understand why he would bother holding himself back so much when they clearly wanted each other. “I could… come up for a bit, if you want me to.”

Kyo smirked. “Nice offer. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” Die said, immediately regretting how whiny it sounded.

“Work, etc,” Kyo said vaguely. “Which reminds me, what was Kaoru saying to you? Did you tell him that we went out?”

The question caught Die off-guard. “Uh, no, I totally didn’t. He just. Wanted someone to make sure you’re okay.”

“You can tell him I am.”

Die nodded stiffly. Here in the car with him, kissing and smirking, Kyo did _seem_ okay. He seemed as happy as Die had ever seen him, and it was hard to believe only an hour or two ago he’d been breaking, crying, drawing his own blood. What constituted someone as “okay” really?

“I thought he knew,” Kyo said, chuckling. “I mean when he started in with that, ‘I’m not going to pry into your personal business,’ I thought, ‘ _oh shit, here comes the lecture!_ ’”

In spite of himself, Die started laughing, too. “I thought the same thing!”

“I guess it’s better he just wanted to remind me not to be a fuck-up,” Kyo said.

“That’s not—You know we all just want—”

Kyo held up a hand to cut him off. “I know. You want me to be safe, be okay. It’s not that easy.” He wrinkled his nose. “Sometimes I really am fine, you know? Sometimes I’m clean. I went a year and a half without fucking it up once. But it’s not always like that. Not like I _want_ to…” He shrugged and rubbed at his nose. “Whatever. Anyway.”

Die looked at him sadly. He didn’t want to say anything to make him feel worse. Really, he just wanted to kiss him again, get that smile back on his face, but he didn’t think he’d earned it.

“So when can I see you again?” he asked, following it up with, “and you know I mean for a date, not at work, so don’t be cute.” As if he could help it.

“Hmm.” Kyo tapped a thoughtful finger against his lips. “Well, my voice is shot, so we don’t have rehearsal until the weekend, right? So that should mean I’m free on.. Thursday?”

Die almost groaned aloud. Thursday seemed like an eternity away, and he saw no reason to not just get dinner after work _tomorrow_. Was he really going to have to wait until Thursday to kiss Kyo again? “Not, um, sooner?”

“I’m a pretty busy guy,” Kyo said.

“No, I know,” Die said. “It’s just gonna be hard to wait that long.”

“How is it that you’re so cheesy and so hot at the same time?”

“You say that like the two don’t go hand in hand.”

“We’ll plan for Thursday,” Kyo said. “If we end up wanting to do something sooner, then we can decide that in the moment.”

“Sounds good,” Die said. He leaned toward Kyo. “Goodnight kiss?”

Kyo let out a huff of air almost against Die’s mouth. “Fuckin’ weirdo.” He slotted his mouth against Die’s, wasting no time in sucking on his tongue, holding Die close by the front of his shirt.

Everything at once rushed straight to Die’s cock, and within seconds he could feel himself getting hard. He closed his hand over Kyo’s on his shirt, not wanting him to let go. It was taking all his willpower not to clamber across the center console and right into Kyo’s lap. He wanted Kyo’s whole warm, muscular body pressed against his, wanted to feel his pulse throbbing against him.

Kyo pulled back gasping for breath, but still held onto Die’s shirt. His eyes were closed as he rested his forehead against Die’s. “You really are surprising.”

“Kyo,” Die said pitifully, his hips rolling up from the seat.

Kyo smoothed both hands down Die’s chest, some small sound buried in the back of his throat. “I’ll see you Thursday.”

“And tomorrow.”

“And then.” 

The moment Kyo finally stopped touching Die was near painful, but Die just managed not to grab for him. That Kyo was about to get out of his car and leave him alone for the night was just about the worst thing Die could imagine.

“You’ll think of me?” Kyo said softly, his fingers already hooked in the door handle.

“All the time,” Die said truthfully. “Will you think of me, too?”

Kyo didn’t answer, just peered at Die like he was a logic problem written in a foreign language.

But Die wanted an answer. He wanted to know that while he was thinking of Kyo, Kyo was thinking of him, too, wanting him as much as he was wanting Kyo. He went ahead and voiced that desire with a quiet, “Please.”

Kyo breathed in through his nose and nodded. He got out of the car without another word, and Die didn’t even watch him walk up to the building, he just closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel, trying to control his body’s reaction to every single thing Kyo ever said or did.

The drive home was safe, but definitely over much faster than it would have been if Die had ben going the speed limit, and then Die was half-running up to his apartment, in such a hurry that he forgot his guitar in the backseat of his car and had to go back for it. He fumbled with his keys getting his front door open, and then he was getting his shoes off, setting his things down, and barely greeting Quila before going and dropping onto his bed, hands already working his belt open.

He had permission to think about Kyo, and he was going to take full advantage of that while he still had the taste of Kyo’s tongue in his mouth.

That was where he started in allowing himself to think of Kyo: his tongue, and his mouth in general. The perfect curve of his lips that were so unexpectedly plush. He loved how warm they were against his own, how they opened so willingly for him. And how that tongue slipped out, how it dragged against Die’s own tongue and turned him into a complete mess.

As he finally took his cock out of his pants, he let his thoughts of Kyo’s mouth travel on past what he knew, imagined that tongue circling his nipples, teeth nipping at his inner thighs, and those lips closing so perfectly around his dick. His fingers wrapped around his shaft in time with his thoughts, and he let out a pleased sigh.

He hadn’t been lying when he’d said that he’d loved being on his knees for Kyo; he would do it again in a heartbeat, if only to feel the tremble in Kyo’s thighs under his hands. But that didn’t mean he didn’t want the other side of it just as badly; Kyo, with his talented tongue, gazing up at Die like could pierce him with his eyes, mouth stretched so pretty and wide.

Precum dripped over Die’s hand at the mental image. Thinking about Kyo was way too easy. He wasn’t going to last long enough to enjoy even a fraction of the fantasies he could come up with.

He imagined Kyo thinking of him at that same moment, lying in his own bed with his pants open or his legs spread, working himself with slender hands… How did he like to touch himself? He’d liked when Die had played with his balls, maybe he was rolling them in his own hand, right then, thinking of Die—

Die groaned, his peak dangerously, embarrassingly close. His hand sped up, the copious amounts of pre he was leaking making the slide easy. He wondered whether Kyo was the type to get really wet when he was aroused. He hadn’t gotten to spend that much time getting to know that kind of detail, and a ripple of excitement went through him at the thought that he would get to find out sooner or later.

There were a number of things he hadn’t gotten to explore with Kyo in their one night together so far, and he found himself torn between wanting it all at once and wanting to draw it all out as long as possible, really take his time learning and enjoying Kyo’s body. He couldn’t wait to see him again, to taste him again, to watch his face in that moment where his usual heaviness was lifted away in favor of pleasure.

Die started to feel a burning in his chest, the coil of heat inside him tightening beyond anything he could stop. He rolled his hips slowly, steady arches up off the bed and back down, his grasp on his cock firm and unforgiving. He chased the deep, burning sensation, pictured Kyo mouthing at his balls, opening his mouth to catch Die’s cum—and that was the image that truly pushed him over the edge. He moaned louder than he usually permitted himself to do, the volume of it combining with the obscene sound of his hand on his dick turning him on more, prolonging his orgasm into something mind-blowing, and leaving him squirming on his bed for a full two minutes in aftershocks.

He blinked his eyes blearily open, trying to focus on the ceiling. It had been a while since he’d managed to make himself feel that good. More often, his self-sessions were borne of necessity, taking care of his body, and this kind of all-consuming pleasure wasn’t something he was used to getting from himself.

He knew the difference was that he’d really gotten it from Kyo. Kyo had gifted him with this unbearably arousing sort of psychic companionship, and it felt more like the orgasm had been wrung out of him by Kyo than by his own hand.

Die hauled himself up to a sitting position, and took off his sullied shirt, using it to wipe his hands before tossing it into the laundry basket against the wall. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened up his conversation with Kyo.

His tongue slid over his bottom lip as he tried to decide what to say to him. He wanted to tell Kyo what he’d just done, how he’d thought of Kyo and brought himself off in no time at all, how eager he was to share more of that intimacy with him in real life—but he was struggling to phrase it in a way that didn’t seem too graphic and perverted.

**Die** : _Hey._

He opted to start small and wait for a response before he said anything really embarrassing.

**Kyo** : _Hi. Got home safe?_

The concern was sweet, and Die smiled as he wrote back.

**Die** : _Yeah, thanks. What’ve you been up to?_

**Kyo** : _Showered, got myself cleaned up. Now just relaxing._

**Die** : _That’s good. I should probably get myself cleaned up too._

**Kyo** : _Oh? Got yourself messy since I saw you?_

Die’s spent cock twitched, still out and sticky, lying against his thigh. What business did Kyo have, talking to him like that, his words seeming like something straight out of some pornography? He swallowed his pride and responded.

**Die** : _I did. Thought of you._

There was a long pause, and Die tried to tamp down on the fear that he’d taken it too far again. After all, Kyo had been the one to ask; he had to expect Die to tell the truth.

Finally a message came.

**Kyo** : _I thought of you too._

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Die said under his breath, his eyes closing for a moment.

**Die** : _In the shower?_

**Kyo** : _Yes._

“Fuck,” Die said again, and raked a hand through his hair. He wanted to know more, to ask for details, maybe photographic evidence, but he got a hold of himself, took a deep breath, and instead replied with something far more acceptable.

**Die** : _I’m glad._

**Kyo** : _I’ll bring your shopping bag back to you tomorrow._

The non-sequitur startled Die out of his renewing arousal. How could that be the next thing Kyo said?

**Die** : _Oh um. Thanks._

**Kyo** : _No problem. See you._

Die frowned in confusion at the words. Their chat was apparently over all of a sudden. He scrolled back up to see what he’d said that had been wrong. Kyo was so up and down, Die could hardly stand it. Was it all a means of flirting and teasing, or did Kyo really not mind bouncing between subjects like a depraved yo-yo?

At any rate, Die could see him at the store and probably they could plan for their next date to take place sooner than they’d originally posited. He couldn’t wait till Thursday, but he could wait until morning.


	17. Chapter 17

“Did you get laid last night, or what?” Toshiya said to Die in the break room. “You are smiling a _lot_.”

“I smile all the time,” Die said with a shrug.

“You’re glowing like you’re pregnant.”

“I’m just happy,” Die said. Even with the sudden way Kyo had ended their text conversation, he felt like they were connecting, and today, when he got a chance, he would be able talk to Kyo more. It was a good day.

“I see,” Toshiya said. “But I don’t get exactly why. I’d have thought after that rehearsal, you might be kind of upset. It was hard for _me_ to see Kyo like that, and I don’t have the same feelings for him that you do.”

“Oh, that,” Die said. That portion of the evening had been pushed aside to make room in his brain for what had happened afterwards, and recalling the image of Kyo crumpled and bleeding on the floor was jarring.

“Yeah, that,” Toshiya said. “Why, what else happened? _Did_ you get laid?”

Die shook his head. “I drove him home. We talked.” He willed himself not to blush at the memory of what he was omitting. “There was a bit of kissing, too.”

“Huh.” Toshiya took a sip of his coffee. “I’m glad to hear things are going so well. All morning I’ve been kinda keeping an eye on him, you know? After last night.”

“And how does he seem?”

“Normal,” Toshiya said. “Like nothing happened at all. He’s still doing his job, on his phone, wearin’ his little mask. You haven’t talked to him today?”

“No, I guess I’ve been in my department my whole shift so far,” Die said. “I’ve been trying to find some excuse to come up to the front, but I keep coming up empty.”

“If I had anything for you to do at Guest Services, I’d totally offer,” Toshiya said. “But you can at least pop by and say hey on your way back?”

“Yeah, I will,” Die agreed with a glance at the clock. His break was just about over. “And thanks.”

“I’ll keep looking out for him.”

Die was smiling as he left the break room. It was nice to know that someone else at the store was watching Kyo even when he couldn’t. He would feel a little better reporting to Kaoru that Kyo was fine if he had testimony from someone else that Kyo was acting normal.

And Kyo certainly didn’t seem to be acting like anything was out of the ordinary; he was stationed at his register just like always, and barely glanced up as Die crossed from the break room to talk to him.

“Long time no see,” Die joked when he was close enough to lean on Kyo’s conveyor belt.

“Morning,” Kyo replied.

Die couldn’t tell if maybe Kyo was smiling under his mask. He didn’t _seem_ all that happy to see Die, but maybe it was just hidden. “How’s it going?”

“Fine,” Kyo said, looking down at his phone again. “Uneventful.”

“Better than lots of drama, right?”

“I suppose.”

Die bit his lip, his eyebrows drawing together. Kyo was being noticeably short with him, more than usual. That definitely wasn’t what he’d hoped for after going out with him. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Still, Kyo wasn’t looking at him fully, and Die was well past uncomfortable.

“Okay. Well.” Die slowly pushed away form Kyo’s lane. “I’ll see you later.” He wasn’t too oblivious to take the hint that Kyo didn’t feel like talking. He barely got an acknowledgment that he was leaving, so he turned and made his way back to familiar comfort of his own department without any further detours.

He couldn’t make sense of how Kyo was acting. He seemed to fluctuate rapidly between a clear interest in Die and a total disinterest in literally everything, and Die couldn’t follow the changes, couldn’t predict them at all. The night before, he’d had his hands on Die, pulling him close so he could kiss him that much harder; he’d confessed to thinking about Die while he was in the shower, and now he was treating him like a complete stranger. Was his ex bothering him again? Was he just being an asshole or was it because of something Die had said or done?

The next few hours passed without anything interesting enough to act as a proper distraction. Die wiped down his counter and the shelves underneath, even dusted all the grime off the buttons on his cash register, but the sparkly clean work station didn’t provide any answers for him about Kyo.

Some part of him knew he was blowing it out of proportion; they’d only been on one date, and his obsession with Kyo was something he’d already known he needed to get under control. He had to practice just not caring whether Kyo thought about him or spoke to him or felt any way about him whatsoever. His mother would have told him he needed to stop letting Kyo live in his head rent-free. He couldn’t let something so out of his hands control his mood and his life.

It was near the end of his shift when Toshiya stopped by Spirits, waving, and carrying a shopping basket in one hand.

“What’s up?” Die asked as Toshiya set his basket on the counter.

“Kaoru asked me to bring you these notices,” he said, pulling some papers from the basket. “I guess he said the ones you have posted looked kind of beat up?”

Die took the papers from him, printed copies of the store’s alcohol and tobacco policies, with updated dates for the age requirements for purchasing. “Thanks. I’ll put them up.”

Toshiya nodded. “You want help taking down the old ones?”

“Nah,” Die said. “I welcome the busy work.”

Toshiya still had some items in his basket, so Die figured he had a few more stops to make around the store, but then he took out something else and held it out for Die.

After a second, Die realized it was the folded-up canvas bag he’d let Kyo borrow. Instead of taking it, he just stared until Toshiya set it down on the counter.

“Kyo asked me to bring it to you, since I was heading back here,” Toshiya said.

“Mm.”

“Can’t help but notice you’re not really smiling so much now,” Toshiya said gently. “I’d have thought from how well you’d said things were going, that he’d want to take it back to you himself. Did… something happen?”

Die shook his head. “I have no fucking idea.”

“He was normal when I talked to him.”

“Sure, normal,” Die said. “Normal Kyo—no eye contact, not smiling, shutting down the conversation before it even gets started.” 

“I take it that’s not how he usually acts when you two are together?”

“ _No_ , when it’s us, he’s—” Die stopped, unsure how to put into words the curiosity and passion that was present when Kyo looked at him, when he touched him. “I didn’t expect him to act like there’s nothing between us.”

“Hmm.” Toshiya ran a hand over the bag, flattening it. “Maybe he’s just trying to maintain a professional relationship while you guys are at work?”

“He hasn’t said anything like that.”

“Have you talked about it?” Toshiya said. “I mean, I once dated a girl I worked with, and it got really awkward really fast, because she’d try to stand too close to me or call me some pet name while I was just trying to do my job. I’m not saying you’d take it that far, but maybe he’s just trying to establish some boundaries before it gets to an uncomfortable point like that.”

“So professional boundaries mean he won’t even _talk_ to me at work?” Die’s shoulders slumped. Of course he didn’t want to do anything to make Kyo uncomfortable, but he’d become someone whom he always looked forward to seeing at the store. “That sucks. He always used to talk to me fine _before_ we went on one single date.”

“I know, but remember his ex?” Toshiya said. “If he’s had some experience with guys who don’t know how to back off or when they’re crossing a line, I can see why he’d want to be careful.”

That almost made Die feel worse. Did Kyo really think he would be that kind of person? Had Die given him reason to think that, their first night together?

“You can’t know for sure that that’s what’s going on until you talk to him about it,” Toshiya said quickly. “It’s just something to think about. Whatever’s going on, I wouldn’t take it personally.”

Not taking it personally was easier said than done when Kyo wouldn’t even return Die’s shopping bag in person, but Die did his best to heed Toshiya’s advice and not jump to conclusions before he got a chance to really speak to Kyo.

By the time Die’s shift ended, Kyo had already gone home for the day, and Die was left debating whether he should text him about his standoffish behavior or just wait and see if it continued.

He didn’t like how it felt like this was always the way when it came to Kyo. It was always something he needed to consider, to strategize, to repress and rotate and revisit. It wasn’t that he thought it would be—or even _should_ necessarily be— _easy_ , but he didn’t think he’d stressed out so much over anyone he’d pursued in the past, and he wished that things happened a bit more naturally, instead of it feeling like him driving their every interaction in such a premeditated manner.

Perhaps though that was a change that he needed to make within himself; an adjustment of his own expectations and motivations.

Die was brushing his teeth and preparing for bed when he unexpectedly got a text from Kyo. He’d been so careful to avoid texting Kyo all day, just in case he did need space and Die was smothering him more than he meant to, which was to say, at all.

**Kyo** : _This song made me think of you._

A link to a video followed right after, and Die let the whole song play, listening with as much of his attention as he could spare while still brushing his teeth. It was such a normal message to get that it felt completely abnormal.

The song itself wasn’t honestly the kind of style he might have expected from Kyo either, being sort of upbeat and soft, but there was a nostalgic quality to it that Die liked and he wrote back to tell Kyo so, and to thank him for sending it. He followed it up with another text.

**Die** : _I was sorry I didn’t get to see you much today._

**Kyo** : _Toshiya returned your bag, yeah?_

**Die** : _He did. But you could have given it to me yourself…?_

Die waited for a response, saw the dots to indicate Kyo was typing appear and disappear a few times, until finally

**Kyo** : _Shit._

**Kyo** : _You think i’m a dick._

**Die** : _No! I just don’t really get why it seems like you’re avoiding me._

**Kyo** : _Dammit i’m so bad at this, i tried to tell you._

**Die** : _There’s nothing really to be bad at. We can just talk like we always have?_

**Die** : _Or is it weird ‘cause we’re at work?_

**Kyo** : _It’s not that._

**Kyo** : _I don’t know._

**Kyo** : _Fuck i’m so confused i’m sorry._

Die was feeling some of that confusion himself. Why did Kyo have to make it weird? They’d gone out for coffee; it had been pretty casual, but they’d had a nice time. Certainly it shouldn’t have put _more_ distance between them.

**Die** : _Did I do something?_

**Kyo** : _No. I don’t know._

**Kyo** : _Can we talk about it tomorrow? I don’t know how to say it over text, i don’t really know what i want to say._

Die’s stomach twisted unhappily. That didn’t sound very good.

**Die** : _Is it really that complicated? If you’re not interested, I think I’d rather you tell me sooner than later…_

Die stared warily at his phone for a long while, but no response came, and eventually he had to go crawl into his bed and wait for a restless sleep to claim him.

 

The next day at work, Die made it to Spirits without seeing Kyo, and though he didn’t really want to admit it, Die wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to see him. He’d been watching him from afar (and from up close) for so long, and for once he’d prefer to not cross paths with him at all, just like he’d felt back before that day when he’d first seen Kyo’s face. Everything had been simpler then.

Dread curdled in the pit of his stomach. Sooner or later he would see Kyo and he’d have to hear whatever it was that Kyo wanted to say to him.

“Isn’t that what you wanted though?” Toshiya said to him when they met in the break room again, halfway through the day. He leaned against the counter as he waited for his lunch to finish microwaving. “To know why he’s been acting whatever way?”

“Doesn’t mean I’m not afraid of the explanation.”

“I told you you’d have to talk to him,” Toshiya said. “I mean—Well, what are you hoping to have with him?”

“What, as in what kind of relationship?”

“Yeah, like, casual dating, or friends with benefits, or something more serious, a long-term relationship?”

“I—I don’t know,” Die said, feeling very put-on-the-spot. “I guess I haven’t looked that far ahead. We’ve only gone out the one time, and—benefits, I mean—You know. We didn’t sleep together.”

“Oh,” Toshiya said, mouth turning down at the corners. “I thought…”

“He, um. Didn’t want to,” Die said.

“Huh.”

“Not really making me feel better.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Toshiya said. He turned to take his food out of the microwave. “Did he _say_ he didn’t want to?”

“Pretty much,” Die said. “He said I was… moving too fast, and he didn’t invite me up to his place when I drove him home the other night.”

“But you wanted him to.”

“Well, _yeah_ ,” Die said sort of indignantly. “We were in the car outside his building and he was kissing me like… I don’t know, like it _meant_ something. I thought he wanted it, too.”

“Hmm.” Toshiya brought his lunch to the table where Die was sitting and sat down himself. “Maybe he has an STI or something.”

“What? Come on.”

Toshiya shrugged. “I’m just throwin’ ideas out there!” He focused on his food for a minute, then asked, “Have you talked to Shinya?”

“About this?”

“At all, since rehearsal.”

“He was off yesterday,” Die said. It wasn’t actually an answer, but it was probably enough of one for Toshiya to read between the lines. He’d wanted to talk to Shinya, to apologize for putting him in an awkward situation by talking about his problems, and for having such problems in the first place; he just hand’t had a good opportunity, and cornering him at work might only make things worse.

“I don’t think he’s, like, _actually_ pissed at you,” Toshiya said.

“What did he say about it when you drove him home?”

“Not much. We, um, actually talked more about me.”

Die tilted his head slowly to one side. Was he imagining it or were Toshiya’s cheeks a bit pink? “What about you?”

“Just you know, whatever,” Toshiya said, pushing his instant noodles around with his chopsticks. “Dating, work, whatever.”

Die had really never taken the time to ask Toshiya about his personal life, and all at once he was wondering if that had been him being respectful or just self-absorbed. “You never talk to me about that stuff.”

“I know,” Toshiya said. “That’s not really the kind of friendship we have—and that’s fine! Your stuff is honestly way more interesting than mine, so I don’t mind at all!”

“It’s not fine! I’ve been a thoughtless friend!” Die leaned forward and looked at Toshiya seriously. “I’m sorry. Please, spend the rest of my lunch break telling me the details of your private life.”

Toshiya laughed. “There’s not that much to tell. I’m not seeing anyone right now or anything.”

“Then what did you tell Shinya about?”

“Just maybe there’s someone I’m kinda interested in? But it’s not gonna go anywhere, so it’s not exciting.”

“Why not? Who is it?” Die thought it was plenty exciting. He welcomed the opportunity to get worked up over something outside his own personal drama. “Someone at the store?”

“I don’t know if we need to discuss it,” Toshiya said. “Shinya already heard the whole thing, and no offense, but he’s a little more trustworthy as a confidant than you are.”

“I’m not offended by that,” Die said. “But I want to be here for you, and if there’s anything I can do…”

Toshiya worried his lip, looking down at his food for a long moment before he said quietly, “Do you… do you know if Kaoru is into guys at all?”

Die’s mouth dropped open and before he could muster up any words, his alarm was going off on his phone, telling him it was time to clock back in from his lunch break. He got up, scrambled to turn it off, still grasping uselessly for something to say that was more than, “Um. Uh, well, uh.”

A dismissive hand was waved in his direction, and Toshiya was _definitely_ blushing, avoiding meeting Die’s eyes like the contact would burn him. “Forget it, never mind.”

“Toshiya, I, we can keep talking about this—”

“ _Forget_ it,” Toshiya said again, shaking his head. “I was just kidding, really, it’s nothing.”

Die stood rooted to the spot as Toshiya leaned his forehead on his hand, clearly trying to hide behind his hair. It was wrong to stay and make him endure anymore of this humiliating conversation, so Die backed away with every intention of bringing it back up at a later time.

After clocking in, Die headed back to his work station, carefully skirting past the front lanes so he wouldn’t have to see Kyo, though at the moment, that concern was only taking up a small portion of his brainspace; most of it was occupied with what Toshiya had just said. It was obvious from the look on Toshiya’s face that he had certainly _not_ been joking, but also obvious that he was extremely embarrassed by the whole thing.

From when he’d first met Toshiya, Die had been casually curious about which direction he swung, but based on his mentions of old girlfriends and lack of apparent interest in any men, he’d kind of put it out of his head. Now Toshiya had finally admitted to an interest in another man, and it was _Kaoru_?

It wasn’t that Kaoru wasn’t a highly attractive fellow, but it had come so far out of left field that Die felt like he’d been slapped. And truth be told, he had no idea whether Kaoru was into guys or not. He’d never really _thought_ about it.

To his surprise, Die found that his feet had carried him to the toys department instead of to his own home base. He spotted Shinya speaking with a guest, and decided to wait for him, though he wasn’t sure exactly what he’d say.

What he wanted to talk to him about now was _Toshiya_ , but given what Toshiya had said about Die’s lack of trustworthiness, he didn’t want to just immediately prove him right.

Shinya finished up and turned, catching sight of Die easily. He didn’t look too annoyed to see him, though. He came over to where Die stood, and started straightening a display of kendama. “Surprised you didn’t stop by earlier.”

“I thought you might not want to see me,” Die said. “I’m sorry that I’ve been a bad friend. I know you’re fed up with hearing the same shit from me again and again, even after you’ve told me how stupid I am for screwing it up the time before.”

Shinya gave him a look. “When do I ever call you stupid?”

“To my face?”

Shinya just rolled his eyes, and it was familiar, heartwarming in a strange sort of way.

“I really am sorry though,” Die said. “I felt super bad that you felt like you needed to get a ride from Toshiya just to get away from me.”

“I just thought that Kyo needed you right then, more than I did. And you needed to be there for him. He was more likely to accept a ride from you if I wasn't there.” He glanced at Die, calm and nonjudgmental. “I mean, yes, I was irritated with you, but Kyo was my main concern. How is he?”

“I’m… not sure.”

“But were you able to help him after rehearsal?”

Die nodded. “I drove him home, and we talked about what was upsetting him so much.”

Shinya made a quiet _I’m-listening_ noise as he crouched to face up some items on a lower shelf, and Die felt a surge of affection for his friend. Even in his anger with Die, Shinya had been so thoughtful and considerate that Die just wanted to hug him. That probably wasn’t what Shinya wanted though.

“I don’t know how he is now,” Die said, putting his hands into his pockets. “He was acting weird, and then he said he ‘doesn’t know how he feels’ and that he’d talk to me today. I haven’t been real eager for that conversation.”

“Doesn’t know how he feels about what?”

“If I knew maybe I wouldn’t be so stressed out,” Die said. “I feel like he might not want to see me again. But I also know I don’t have that much evidence to back that up, it’s just how I feel.”

“I don’t have evidence to offer you one way or the other,” Shinya said. “But I would still caution you against your mind-reading tendencies. Wait and hear him out.”

“I know,” Die said, because he _did_ know, but that didn’t mean he could always follow that wisdom. 

He decided to say goodbye to Shinya and went back to his department before he could slip up and say something about Toshiya. 

Die spent basically the entire afternoon trying not to be crazy. He still hadn’t seen Kyo, and was starting to doubt whether he’d hear anything from him at all, but in any case, he figured he should be prepared for whatever Kyo could say. He had to be braced to take the rejection gracefully even if inside his heart was breaking. He had to be able to handle it.

It was as Die was setting the _CLOSED_ sign up on the counter, having already logged off of the cash register system, that he glanced over his shoulder and found Kyo standing there patiently, clearly waiting for him. He wasn’t wearing his face mask anymore, and must have been able to sneak up on Die because he’d already turned in his keys for the night.

“Oh,” Die said, not really able to hide that he was startled. “Hey. Um, I’m just about to clock out.”

“I know,” Kyo said. “I’ll wait. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t miss you.”

“Okay.” Die felt awkward, especially as Kyo walked with him up to the front of the store where the lockers and time clock were. He wasn’t saying anything, but he wasn’t on his phone either, and Die was uncomfortable with Kyo’s attention even potentially on him.

He didn’t dawdle in clocking out and grabbing his things from his locker. Kyo politely waited outside.

“So,” Die began as he came back out and rejoined Kyo, “Did you want me to drive you home?”

“Thank you,” Kyo said, nodding. “And we can talk.” 

“Yeah, sure,” Die said, even though he felt more like running the other way.

There was just something about needing to “talk” that was more intimidating and anxiety-inducing than he could describe. It had always been that way for him; despite his knowledge that communication was the most vital part of any type of relationship, he’d always done just about anything in his power to avoid confrontation. It had been the destruction of more than one relationship in the past.

They were in the car, already driving when Kyo spoke up again, “I know that I’m being really shitty and probably making you uncomfortable, so I should apologize for that, first of all. I’m not trying to make you feel. Um. Bad.”

“Okay,” Die said.

Surprisingly, Kyo didn’t say more. Or maybe it wasn’t that surprising, but it was definitely frustrating.

Die parked in Kyo’s spot in the building’s lot, and took off his seatbelt, turning expectantly towards Kyo, only to find that he was already halfway out of the car.

“Where are you going?”

Kyo turned back to look at him. “Inside. Aren’t you coming?”

“You’re… inviting me in?” Die was confused.

“So we can talk,” Kyo said. “You don’t want to come in?”

“I do, I just. I don’t really know what’s going on.”

Kyo scrunched up his mouth. “That’s my fault. But if you’re willing to come up to my place, it’s more comfortable for talking.” He attempted a half-smile. “Gives me more room to pace.”

Die still couldn’t tell whether this talk was going to be good or bad, but he nodded dumbly and got out of the car, following Kyo for the first time up to the stairwell of his building.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally got my copy of Infinitum today, ayyy, who else is stoked about it?

Kyo’s apartment wasn’t exactly what Die was expecting. He couldn’t say what he’d thought would be different, but just entering what Kyo had referred to as his “comfort zone” felt kind of surreal.

For one thing, it was bigger than Die’s place. It was still humble, but there were separate rooms, and between that and Kyo’s extensive tattoos, Die was starting to get curious how there seemed to be such a discrepancy between his and Kyo’s incomes, what with their working at the same store.

“Um. You can make yourself comfortable,” Kyo said stiffly, gesturing to the living room, and then he vanished down the hall.

Die looked around, unsure how he was meant to occupy the space. He wanted to explore every nook and cranny, go pawing through the drawers of a crowded desk in the corner and obtain what secrets lay there, but that wasn't what he'd been invited to do. After a moment he sat himself down at the kotatsu in the middle of the floor. It was littered with sketches, pencils, different colored pens, and a lot of eraser shavings. He gingerly scooted some aside, resisting the temptation to be nosy and look at each and every drawing, instead leaning one elbow on the tabletop while he scrolled through his phone. The battery was getting low, below 20% since he’d been waiting for Kyo’s text the night before and hadn’t charged it like he usually did.

When Kyo came back, he’d changed out of his work clothes, but he still didn’t look comfortable. He stood with his hands in the pockets of his track pants, and said, “Do you want something to drink?”

“No, I’m all right,” Die said, putting down his phone.

“Are you sure? Maybe something to eat?”

“Kyo,” Die said, a little impatiently, “I’d rather just know what I’m doing here.”

Kyo looked like he wanted to argue, but he pressed his lips together and nodded. He took his seat near Die rather than across from him, but he didn’t make eye contact. “Talking is hard.”

“I think so, too,” Die said. And it looked like Kyo wasn’t going to make it any easier. “But I have to know what—You said you don’t know how you feel. About me? Do you… not really like me, or…?”

Kyo looked at Die in alarm. “Is that what you think? Shit.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Of course it is. But no, I _like_ you, a lot. I just feel confused, like.” He swallowed. “Like why would you want to go out with me when you could have anyone?”

“I don’t—”

“But then I wonder if I’m getting way ahead of myself even thinking like that,” Kyo barreled on. “I’m thinking about you so much. You’re gorgeous and really fucking talented, and still sweet and funny.” He sighed and picked up a pencil from the table, like he needed to be fidgeting with something. “I didn’t expect it. Most people are so hard for me to be around, but when you put your arm around me, I didn’t even mind that much.” 

Die let out an incredulous laugh. “Gee, thanks.”

“I don’t like to be touched in general,” Kyo said.

“But me touching you was okay?”

Kyo nodded, still twirling the pencil between his fingers.

“Then why… I don’t understand,” Die said. “Why don’t you want… more?”

“I _do_ ,” Kyo said. “That’s what’s confusing. I think I told you before, I’m pretty traditional when it comes to dating. I never do anything until after at least a few dates—never even _want_ to do anything. You and I got coffee _one time_ —we haven’t even been to dinner, and it’s just so much faster than I’m used to.”

“We can go to dinner,” Die said. “Whatever you—” He cut off as his phone vibrated, and he and Kyo both looked at it. “Oh. My phone is dying.”

“Oh,” Kyo echoed. “Um, do you need to charge it?”

“Do you have a spare charger?”

“Micro USB?” Kyo got to his feet. “I think the extra one is in the bathroom, actually…”

Die followed him down the hall to the bathroom, for lack of anything better to do, and handed over his phone once they got inside so Kyo could plug it into the outlet above the counter.

It was cramped with the two of them, despite its being a much more spacious bathroom than Die’s own, with a wide counter holding the sink. It was so cluttered with items that the counter was hardly visible; makeup and loose earrings, plus almost as many hair products as Die had at home. Die found himself once again wanting to pick through it all to learn more about Kyo.

“Okay, it’s charging,” Kyo said. He turned back to face Die, leaning against the sink, and just like that, there was no room for attention for Kyo's mere possessions, when Kyo himself was so fascinating and desirable.

Die nodded gratefully. He was very aware of how close to him Kyo had to stand in the narrow space. He stepped even closer. “Kyo, we can take things as slow as you want. But I want to kiss you. I think about it probably a hundred times a day. Low estimate.”

Kyo’s eyes were locked on Die’s lips. “Really?”

Instead of answering, Die closed the short distance between them and kissed Kyo hard, not even bothering to be slow or careful anymore, because Kyo was there in front of him, and if he wanted Die to back off he could say so.

Kyo however made no protest at all; he held onto Die with both hands and kissed back with just as much need, teeth pulling at Die’s lower lip.

Die’s hands hooked behind Kyo’s thighs and hoisted him up to balance on the edge of the sink, still pressed impossibly close, moreso when Kyo’s legs wrapped around Die and pulled him against him.

Kyo’s mouth was hot on Die’s neck, sucking and biting so eagerly that Die was sure he’d be wearing the marks for the next several days at least.

“Kyo,” Die said, too excited to be embarrassed by the breathiness of his voice. All his talk about taking things slow seemed like the least important shit he’d ever said when Kyo’s blunt fingernails were digging into his shoulders and Kyo’s tongue was dragging up the length of his neck. “Please—can I touch you?”

Kyo moaned and then abruptly pulled away, both hands going to cover his eyes as he groaned. “Fuck, fuck, _see_? This is exactly the problem with you!”

Die was lost and thrown off-balance. He held onto Kyo’s hips. “Why, what problem? I’m—I’m rushing things again, you don’t want—”

“I told you, I _want_ you, I just don’t know how to reconcile that with the feeling that we haven’t known each other long enough to be at this point yet,” Kyo said irritably. “Like maybe you just want sex, but if you do, there’s probably somewhere else you could get it with a lot less fucking baggage.”

“I don’t just want sex,” Die said, with a pang of regret that he'd obviously given Kyo that impression. He waited for Kyo to open his eyes and look at him. “I want _you_. And if you need time to be comfortable with that kind of intimacy… I won’t lie, it’s gonna be a struggle, because I am… insanely attracted to you. But I will struggle as much as you need me to.”

“What do you—” Kyo started and then stopped, shaking his head. “I’m attracted to you too, if that wasn’t obvious.”

Die smiled. “I had a feeling, actually.” He let his thumb slip under Kyo’s shirt where he was still holding him at the hips. “It’s part of why I’ve been so whiplashed with how you’ve been acting. If I’m thinking about you and you’re thinking about me, why would you push me away?”

Kyo’s gaze wandered past Die and then quickly away, and Die looked over his shoulder to see the entrance to the shower behind him.

“Because it’s,” Kyo said, tipping his head forward against Die’s chest, “not just _thinking_ about you. You make me want stuff I don’t even _want_. It takes me so long to trust people most of the time, but here I am thinking about you in the shower with my fingers shoved up my ass, wishing it was your cock—which I’ve never even _seen_ —How the fuck am I supposed to act towards you after that?”

Die fought to keep control of himself. “You. You had permission.”

“You were thinking of me, too.”

“I was,” Die confirmed. “About your mouth, especially.”

Kyo squirmed against him. “And you came like that?”

“Harder than I have in a really long time.”

There was some quiet, strained noise muffled against Die’s chest, then, “So, now what?”

“Now, whatever you’re comfortable with. I’ll follow your lead,” Die said softly.

Kyo lifted his head to look at him. “How about getting dinner?”

“I’m not exactly dressed for a date,” Die said, with a glance down at his outfit.

“Neither am I,” Kyo said. “We could order in. It’s your turn to pick something from Netflix.”

“Sounds good to me.”

 

Die didn’t end up spending the night, but not because Kyo kicked him out; more the evening ended comfortably and Die opted to let it finish there rather than inadvertently push Kyo’s boundaries again.

They kept their date on Thursday, too, and it was properly romantic.

At first Die had been worried that Kyo was going full-traditional, and would drag them to an amusement park or something—much as Die enjoyed amusement parks, he wasn’t sure how he felt about going to one with Kyo at this point in their getting to know each other. As it was, Kyo had them go to some (non-amusement) park that overlooked the bay and they climbed to the top of a nearby hill to watch the sunset.

It was sappy and cute and unexpected, and Die’s cheeks ached from smiling as he stood with his arm tucked around Kyo’s waist.

“I’ve never been out here,” he said. “How’d you find this place?”

“Really?” Kyo shrugged. “I’ve been coming here for years. It’s a great place for hanami, too, and it’s never crazy crowded like some spots.”

“I guess I wouldn’t have figured you for one to have preferred hanami locations,” Die said, looking out at the darkening sky over the water.

“Why not?” Kyo said. “I have an appreciation for beautiful things.” His hand rested over Die’s on his waist, and it was small, but Kyo so rarely initiated any physical contact that Die’s heart sped up at the simple touch.

“Thanks for sharing it with me,” Die said, and kissed Kyo’s temple, his nose brushing Kyo’s recently-dyed hair—a soft pink again, this time.

“I like sharing things,” Kyo said. “It’s just rare for me to find someone I want to share with. You know how it is, some people, you show them something and they don’t really care. Maybe they don’t get what it means to you, or they’re just not into it. I used to give a lot of myself away, and these days, I guess I’m kinda more hesitant.”

“So I’m special?” Die said, grinning.

“You definitely are,” Kyo said. He turned to look at Die, seriously, then leaned up to kiss him once. “What shall we do now?”

“You don’t have the rest of the night planned?”

“You can’t expect me to do everything.”

“Hmm.” Die tipped his head back, thinking, then looked back at Kyo. “Do you like okonomiyaki?”

 

It was easy to get to Die’s favorite okonomiyaki place on the train, but it was a little strange to be there without Shinya. Die was wondering whether he should feel guilty for taking Kyo on a date to his and Shinya’s hangout when Kyo said, “I take it this is somewhere you come often?”

“All the time. I was just here last weekend, actually, with Shinya.” Die picked up his tea cup, but didn’t drink from it. “We come here a lot and just talk about everything.”

“Like what?”

“You, mostly, recently,” Die said, and finally sipped his tea. He watched the quiet surprise on Kyo’s face. “I hope that doesn’t make you feel too weird.”

Kyo shook his head. “A little, but it’s okay. I kind of envy your friendship with him. I don’t have many people I can confide in like that.”

“You can confide in me,” Die offered. “Or I’m sure Shinya wouldn’t mind you talking to him, too.”

“Seems like it might be a conflict of interest, with how close you two are already.”

“It doesn’t bother you, does it?” Die asked then. “I mean, I know before you even thought that we were, er, involved, but that’s nothing.”

“Bother me how? You mean just that you’re so close?”

Die gave an embarrassed shrug. “Sure, I don’t know,” he said vaguely. Jealousy was an unattractive quality, generally speaking, and yet Die couldn’t help but think it might be nice if Kyo were just a _little_ possessive of him. At the same time, he knew it was completely unlikely; there was nothing to be possessive _of_ , since they’d barely begun seeing each other.

“Of course it doesn’t,” Kyo said. “I’m glad that you have friends with whom you can be so close and so honest. I just don’t ever want to hear what you say to him about me.”

“It’s nothing bad!”

“No way, I can’t know that kind of shit. It just stresses me out to think about it. I like to imagine that I cease to exist in any context outside of my direct self.”

“Would you rather I didn’t talk to him about you?” Die said. “Or are there, um… certain subjects you’d prefer I keep private?”

Kyo considered, but shook his head. “Nah, it’s all right. Honestly, he’s your friend, you can tell him whatever you want—draw him a diagram of how big my dick is if you want.” He smirked. “Since it’s Shinya I don’t really have to worry that it’s going to come back to me, so it’s fine.” He gave a Die a look. “Not so sure Shinya would appreciate that much detail, though.”

“Oh, he definitely would not,” Die said, laughing.

They ate, and Kyo snickered at Die for taking pictures of his okonomiyaki at different stages, but didn’t openly criticize him for it. They went on talking about their friendships, especially with other people from the store, and Kyo told Die the story of how he’d been tricked into going to karaoke with Shinya.

“It’s not something I ever would have done under regular circumstances,” Kyo explained. “But my new therapist had _just_ recommended that I put more effort into expanding my social circle, and Shinya seemed like one of the most tolerable people out of everyone who sometimes tried to talk to me.”

The casual mention of a therapist caught Die off-guard and he hoped he didn’t react too visibly. Was Kyo still seeing a therapist now? That might not be a bad idea for him.

Kyo scratched at his eyebrow. “I still don’t think I’d have gone if he’d said it was karaoke outright. He tacked that onto the plan at the last minute.”

“It’s lucky he did, though,” Die said. “Otherwise maybe he wouldn’t have known you could sing for the band.”

“Worked out better than I could have anticipated,” Kyo said.

That was surprisingly heartwarming. “You really like being in the band that much?”

“Of course,” Kyo said, like it was obvious. “It’s an outlet for all the shit I bottle up working retail and facing constant rejection from the fashion industry. I can’t wait till we get onstage.”

“It’s hard to tell sometimes when you’re excited about something.”

“Is it?” Kyo’s eyebrows were raised. “I’ve had to work hard to appear so indifferent, you know. Glad to hear it’s paying off.”

“I like it, though,” Die said. “Seeing you all lit up like that, feeling like you’re sharing it with me… It’s one of my favorite things about spending time with you.”

“Don’t make it sound deeper than it is,” Kyo said, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not trying to,” Die assured him. “I just like seeing you happy.”

They planned their next date for after Saturday night’s rehearsal, though they didn’t decide what they would do. It made more sense to wait and gauge their mood when the time came.

There were no breakdowns at rehearsal this week, and Die had to be careful not to pat himself on the back too much for that. If he wasn’t responsible for Kyo’s bad moods, he didn’t get to take credit for the good ones either.

That didn’t stop the rest of the band from speculating that Die was being a positive influence on Kyo. Kaoru kept making approving eye contact with him from across the room, and he didn’t even know the extent of Die and Kyo’s involvement with each other.

Toshiya not-so-subtly invited Die to accompany him to the vending machine when they took their break, and Die had little choice but to grudgingly agree. He hadn’t talked to Toshiya much since what he’d said about Kaoru earlier in the week, and had sort of gotten the impression that Toshiya might be avoiding him. He didn’t really want to hear whatever Toshiya was inevitably going to ask about Kyo, but in a way, he was glad he was talking to him at all.

“He seems way better!” Toshiya said as soon as they were out in the hall, just as Die had predicted he would. “It’s hard to tell at the store, ‘cause he’s kind of like how he always is, but here it’s obvious.” He grinned widely, as if his assessment ought to please Die.

It was true that Kyo seemed better. There was still passion and pain in his performance, but it wasn’t manifesting as physical harm against himself, and if nothing else, Die thought he could be grateful for that.

Toshiya put his change into the vending machine and hit the button to get himself a tea. “You still seem less than excited, what’s that about?”

“I just don’t think I can claim to be the cause of Kyo’s…” Die gestured vaguely. “I think he might have been fine anyway, and we just don’t really know enough to understand him.”

“You don’t think you’re having some impact on his life?”

“Christ, it’s been a _week_. I can’t take responsibility for his wellbeing,” Die said. He sorted out some coins from his pocket for the machine, trying to determine if he had enough to get Kyo a coffee, too. “What we’ve done so far has been casual, and I think we both enjoy it, but I also think Kyo is tougher than we give him credit for. He’s survived this long without me, and whether I’m there or not, he’ll continue to survive.”

Toshiya frowned, watching him insert his coins. “So you don’t think it’s going to be very serious between you two.”

“I just think it’s not very serious _right now_.”

There was a pause, then, “Forgive me if I’m being nosy or reading too much into things, but I had gotten the impression that you’re—in _love_ with Kyo.” When Die didn’t jump in with any response, Toshiya said, “How is that not serious?”

Die took a deep breath as he thought about it. Toshiya was right, of course; he loved Kyo in some terrifying way that had taken him over like an infectious disease. But, still, “My feelings don’t really dictate what we have together. We have to move at a pace we’re both comfortable with.” Meaning they had to move at a pace Kyo was comfortable with.

“And he doesn’t want something serious,” Toshiya said.

“I couldn’t tell you what Kyo wants,” Die said. “I’m not sure even Kyo could tell you. But we’re figuring it out bit by bit.”

“You’re at least having fun doing that, yeah?”

“We are,” Die said, a smile creeping up on him. “He shares things with me, and… makes me feel special.”

“Then I have no issue with it,” Toshiya said.

“Great,” Die said, as if he’d give a damn whether Toshiya had an issue with it or not. He took his two coffees from the machine, but instead of heading back down the hall, he gave Toshiya a curious look. Maybe now that he had him alone was as good a time as any to approach a certain other subject. “About what you said the other day…”

Toshiya just shook his head, cutting him off. “There’s nothing there to discuss.”

“I just—”

“Didn’t I ask you to forget it?” Toshiya said, his voice sharper than Die was used to hearing it. “It was a dumb joke.”

Die took a step towards him. “Toshiya. We both know it wasn’t.” He didn’t try to stop Toshiya from looking away, but he stayed standing close. “Of course I would never force you to talk about it if you really don’t want to, or if it’s too personal, but I’m not judging, and I’ll always be here if you want to talk about that, or about anything.”

Toshiya still didn’t look at him, but he nodded, and after another moment, they walked back to the room where they were rehearsing.

Kyo was surprised when Die offered him the coffee, and the shy smile on his face as he accepted it made Die want to bring him surprise gifts every day for the rest of his life. It also made him want to take Kyo into his arms and kiss him breathless, but he politely refrained from doing so in present company.

Kaoru stood up and motioned for everyone to gather round. 

“The actual gig is only a week away,” he said seriously.

It was something they all already knew, but no one was going to put a damper on Kaoru’s fun when he wanted to make a dramatic announcement or two.

“I think we’ll be ready,” Kaoru continued. “We’re in a good place right now. But we all need to take care of ourselves between now and the performance.”

Everyone nodded, and Die deliberately didn’t let his gaze flit towards Kyo, as he knew everyone else’s did.

“We also need to be thinking about, ah, aesthetic,” Kaoru said, as if it were somehow an inappropriate subject to bring up. “I’m not suggesting that we should all match or anything like that, but we might want to make sure we’re all on the same page, so no one sticks out awkwardly.”

“I was thinking of wearing black and white,” Toshiya offered.

Shinya nodded. “I had also been planning to wear white on top, black on bottom. It goes with everything.”

“Yeah, that works,” Die said.

“Of course, Kyo, you’re the exception if you want to wear something that stands out more,” Kaoru said. “As vocalist, more of the attention ought to be on you anyway.”

“I’m sure I can figure out something,” Kyo said.

From there they did another run-through of their setlist and planned to meet Wednesday for their final practice before the day of the live. It was soon, but Kaoru was right that they were in good shape, and the air amongst them was one more of excitement than nervousness.

After all, it was what they’d been working towards for a while; putting it behind them meant they could have something _new_ to look forward to, and that was surely worth getting excited about.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's get these boys angsting and talkin' about their feelings!
> 
> Also, a couple more short chapters coming up, so expect another extra update this week!

Over the next several days, Die and Kyo kept seeing each other, going to dinner here or a movie there, but still never made it past some handsy makeouts in Die’s car afterwards.

Die wasn’t complaining—at least, not out loud.

Of course, he loved the time he spent with Kyo, felt immensely lucky just getting to know him and make him laugh, but in his own mind, he could admit, he’d started to get a little bit worried. What if this was all that Kyo ever wanted? What if he was stringing him along under some pretense of wanting to be traditional, but had no intention of ever letting them progress physically?

He had no real reason to think like that. Whatever they had together was still so new. It wasn’t like Kyo was religious and waiting for marriage, and he’d never revoked Die’s permission to think about him in vastly inappropriate ways. For the most part, Die was satisfied, but there remained something nagging at him.

Was it Die himself that made Kyo less than eager to move things forwards? Was he not desirable? Had he traumatized him by pushing things too far that first night, wrecked their entire dynamic?

It was a rare thing, but every once in a while, Die got too deep in these thoughts and felt like he was being used. Kyo’s hot and cold MO had him utterly lost, signals so mixed up he couldn’t tell if he was supposed to hold Kyo close or leave the country without speaking to him.

Wednesday night, just after the band’s final rehearsal before the live, was one of those dark nights for Die. The rehearsal had gone as smoothly as ever, and he’d been invited to stay the night afterwards at Kyo’s place, but much as he’d have liked to get excited about it, see it as a new development, he’d been affectionately brushed aside as always, tucked into bed with a fully-clothed Kyo beside him, and had felt so discouraged he’d focused on going right to sleep, rather than staying up to whisper thoughts and nothingness about the universe with Kyo.

It was somewhere past two in the morning when Die woke to an empty bed and his heart sank clean out of his body. Kyo had left him without even saying goodbye.

He let himself think he might have just gotten up to use the bathroom, but after a good fifteen minutes he had to dismiss that idea, and dragged himself out of the warmth of Kyo’s bed to go searching for him.

The apartment was quiet and pitch dark save for an overhead light on the dimmest setting hanging over the little kitchen table. That was where Die found Kyo sitting, earbuds in and his reading glasses on, fully engrossed in the sketchbook in front of him. He didn’t look up as Die padded into the kitchen, and Die took the moment to observe the concentration on his face. What was he doing that he found so much more interesting than he found Die?

At length, Die spoke up, “Whatcha doing?”

Kyo’s head lifted. “Die! Hey.” He closed his sketchbook and took out his headphones, winding the cord around his hand. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

Die shook his head, wrapped his arms around himself. “I woke up and you were gone.”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Kyo said. “Thought I’d try to get some work done.”

Die stared at the closed sketchbook on the table. “You didn’t say anything to me.”

“Well, no,” Kyo said. “I didn’t want to wake you. Especially since you… seemed so tired.”

There wasn’t any really good response to that. Die knew he’d seemed tired because he just hadn’t felt like talking with Kyo before falling asleep. But apparently Kyo hadn’t felt much like being with Die at all, if he’d gotten out of bed and left him. Why had he bothered inviting Die to stay over in the first place?

“Do you want some tea?” Kyo stood and crossed the kitchen. “I was drinking chamomile in hopes that it would help me sleep, but I have other kinds, too…”

“I think maybe I should go,” Die said.

Kyo looked at him, confused. “What? Go where?”

“Home.”

“Die, it’s almost three in the morning,” Kyo said. He came over to where Die was standing, still huddled in on himself. “What’s wrong? Are you mad?”

“It just seems like you don’t want me here.”

“Why would you say that?”

Die shrugged. “Just how it feels. Don’t even want to sleep with me.”

“That’s not—Die, I didn’t get up to—to get _away_ from you.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to think,” Die said. “I’m trying to follow your lead and take things at your pace, but it’s hard when I can’t read your signals. You invite me to stay the night, but you still don’t want to be around me—”

“I _do_ want to be around you,” Kyo insisted. “I—I invited you to stay because I wanted to just be close to you, to feel you all warm and touching me. But you were being so cold.”

Die almost laughed at that. “ _I_ was being cold?”

“You wouldn’t even talk to me; you just rolled over like you were going to sleep. It made me think… I don’t know. That you were mad, that I was being punished. I ended up getting up ‘cause I couldn’t stop thinking about it and freaking out, and I needed a distraction.”

“I wasn’t mad,” Die said. “And I wasn’t trying to punish you. I was just confused and hurt.” He rubbed at his face. “I don’t understand what we’re doing here. Everyone I’ve been with before, sex has been at the foundation of it. Without that, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Kyo’s eyes widened, incredulous. “This is about not having _sex_?”

“It’s about feeling lost and discouraged and waking up in your bed to find you _gone_ ,” Die said. He shook his head. “Do you have any idea how horrible that feels? When I’m already—I feel. Unwanted. Which is why I should go.”

Kyo’s hand was gentle on his arm before he could move. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t—” Kyo dropped his hand. He went back over to the table and slumped down in a chair. “It’s not the same for me. I want you all the time, but whenever I’ve rushed into intimacy in the past, it’s… ended badly. The other guy gets what he wants, and I’m an idiot for having thought it could be something more. I don’t want it to be that with you.”

“I don’t want it to be that either,” Die said. “I just don’t really know how to do any of this without the physical.”

Kyo was quiet for a moment, then he looked at Die as if he were studying him. “And what _do_ you want it to be?”

“It—us?” Die swallowed. “What do _you_ want?”

“It’s not a trick question,” Kyo said. “But just _you_ , honestly, what you want… You want this to be something more casual, more serious, you’re hoping we can be fuck buddies, you want to see other people, what are you thinking?

Die thought about it. Of course he’d thought about it before, without really coming to any concrete decisions. What did he want to have with Kyo? He loved him, but he couldn’t see this as the time to announce that. It was both too late and too soon, and Kyo was sitting there waiting for an answer.

“I think,” Die said slowly, “I can see myself with you.”

Kyo shook his head. “That’s not an answer. You can _see yourself_ —I can ‘see myself’ as an astronaut, doesn’t mean I’m ever gonna be one—doesn’t mean I even _want_ to be one.” His eyes were that kind of intense that Die found so earth-shattering, even with his glasses sliding down his nose. “What do _you want_?” 

It was more than Die had ever been asked, freedom to be honest about his desires and how he felt, and he was torn between wanting to just blurt out the truth and wanting to take his time to really think it over. No matter how long he thought about it, he was sure his answer would stay the same.

After another minute of contemplation, he came to sit across from Kyo. “I _want_ to be with you. It’s what I’ve wanted for a long time. And I don’t want it to be quick or casual, I want it to be long and lasting and I want to be as close to you as you want, at whatever pace you’re comfortable with.” He laid his hand palm-up on the table. “But I’m definitely not going anywhere once I get what I want,” he added with a smile.

Kyo looked at him, at his hand, then snorted and put his own hand in Die’s. “You’re cheesy as fuck. But I want to be with you, too.”

“Then we’re boyfriends,” Die said, the word making his heart flutter in his chest.

Kyo looked at their hands again, an endearingly bashful smile of his own on his face. “Ne, do you want to see, um… what I was working on when you came in?”

“You don’t mind showing me?”

“Just don’t be—Well, no, yeah, you can look at it.” Kyo opened the sketchbook and slid it towards Die.

It took a few seconds to process what he was looking at, but then, “Is this me?”

“Mmhmm.” Kyo leaned forward over the table. “You were talking about wanting an outfit for the live, something that shows off your legs.”

The sketch did indeed showcase Die’s legs, making them look a kilometer long in tiny black shorts and fishnets with a lovely floral pattern weaving down one leg. “This is amazing,” Die said, fingers brushing over the colored pencil shading. “It’s… a great design, but I don’t know how I would get it made…”

“I could make it,” Kyo said, shrugging one shoulder.

Die’s gaze snapped up to Kyo’s face. “ _You_ could make something like this?”

Kyo shifted uneasily in his chair. “I mean, okay, not in time for the gig that’s this weekend, but before whenever our next one is, yeah.” He nodded towards the living room. “I’ve got a machine set up—not top-of-the-line or anything, but it works. I’ve made a few nice things with it.”

“Like what?”

“Commissions,” Kyo said. “Whatever custom shit people ask me to make.”

Die nodded. That could explain why Kyo seemed to have a bit of extra cash; he was working a second job taking commissions. 

“So,” Kyo said, like he was nervous, which was kind of a bizarre look on him. “You like it?”

“Of course,” Die said at once. “I love it, it’s fucking badass.”

“Oh, good. I can get to work on it, then.” Kyo pulled the sketchbook back towards himself, flipped a few pages. “Oh yeah, and I also drew you as a Jedi.” He chuckled as he rotated the book so Die could see the drawing.

It was clearly him, wearing a hooded cloak and with a few tiny braids in his long hair. “Dude, that’s awesome.”

Kyo was full-on grinning.

“You know, full disclosure," Die said, looking admiringly at the details, "I’ve never really seen Star Wars—I saw _Phantom Menace_ when it first came out, but that’s about the extent of my knowledge.”

When Die raised his eyes from the page, Kyo was no longer grinning. He was gaping at Die with some mixture of horror and disbelief.

“Please get to the part where you’re joking,” Kyo said darkly.

Die grimaced. “I’m not—Is it really that bad?”

“Is it _that bad_?” Kyo stood slowly from his chair, then slammed both palms on the table. “It’s the most fucking incredible thing I’ve ever heard! I get to be with you when you watch the entire fucking saga for the _first time_!”

“Oh, uh, is that what’s going to happen?”

“C’mon, you know it is. What time is it?”

“I don’t think we should start tonight.”

“Hmm, it is pretty late,” Kyo said, checking his phone. “Next date, though. Next seven dates.”

“Didn’t Episode VIII come out?”

“Eh, we can play it by ear and decide if we feel like watching that one. There’s some cool effects, but there’s also some bullshit.”

He was still muttering something Die couldn’t understand about Luke Skywalker and character assassination as he walked down the hall towards the bedroom, and Die pulled the chain to turn off the kitchen light before hurrying after him.

They climbed back into Kyo’s bed, cold from the time spent empty, and huddled close together, facing each other and smiling this time.

Die leaned in to kiss Kyo and it felt like it could have been their first kiss, gentle and open and perfect.

“I am sorry for getting up and leaving you in bed without saying anything,” Kyo said quietly. “I can honestly say I wasn’t thinking about how it would affect you at all. You were asleep, and I was trying to calm down… I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know,” Die said, tracing Kyo’s cheekbone with his thumb. “I’m sorry I turned away from you instead of just explaining how I was feeling and listening to your side of things. I know I need to work on communicating better.”

“I do, too,” Kyo said. He looked sad suddenly. “Are you sure you want to be with me? I’m not… Like I've said, you could have anyone. You could have someone better.”

Without even thinking, Die replied, “There’s no one better.”

Kyo gave him a look and shoved him. “Too much!”

“What!” Die laughed. “Just speaking my mind!”

“Yeah, well, tell your mind to shut up,” Kyo grumbled, but Die could make out a hint of a smile in the light filtering in from the window before he rolled over.

Wedging himself in perfect contentment up against Kyo, Die sighed. “This is nice.”

“I like it, too,” Kyo looked at Die over his shoulder. “Gonna dream about me tonight?”

“Hmm, not sure you want me to,” Die said, rolling his hips against Kyo’s backside pointedly.

Kyo inhaled sharply, his hand gripping Die’s where he was holding Kyo around the middle. “I think… I might not mind.”

A moan very nearly escaped Die just at the tone of Kyo’s voice, but he swallowed it down at the last second. He closed his eyes and willed himself not to get a boner—at the very least not while Kyo was awake to notice.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny bonus chapter!

Die gasped as Kyo thrust into him again, every centimeter of him filling Die so perfectly that he couldn’t see straight.

“Didn’t expect you to be this tight,” Kyo said, scarcely more than a growl in Die’s ear, and it made Die whimper. “This is just for me, isn’t it?”

Die nodded frantically. “Just for you! Kyo, I love you—so much.”

“Love you, too,” Kyo said. “Love how you take my cock.”

Die craned his neck, trying to look back at Kyo. Had he really just said he loved Die back, or was he just caught up in the moment? Admittedly, the circumstances were lacking some romantic ambiance. 

The tangential thought startled Die awake, only for him to discover he was indeed in Kyo’s company, his hard-on pressed against Kyo’s hip. Kyo had shifted around during the night and ended up on his back, one arm tucked beneath the pillow under Die’s head, one leg sticking out from under the covers. His pink hair was wild and his face was soft, and Die kind of couldn’t believe he got to see him like this.

Some careful squirming and reaching allowed Die to check his phone. It was just after six am. On a regular day, he might be getting out of bed, going for a run before the sun was fully up. But today, he was in _Kyo’s_ bed, he didn’t have to be at work until after noon, and being so close to Kyo really wasn’t doing anything to help quiet the erection his dream had left him with.

He started trying to extract himself from the tangle of blankets so he could go force himself to use the bathroom, but the action only brought friction to his straining dick, and he tensed, biting back a moan.

He didn’t manage to fully catch the sound in time, though, and Kyo stirred, brow wrinkling as he stretched his free arm over his head and arched like a cat.

Die was frozen, helpless to say or do anything that might save him from terrible humiliation, and it only took another few seconds of Kyo moving around before his eyes were opening to look at Die.

“Morning,” Kyo said, his voice all sleep-rough and husky.

Die shook his head. “Should sleep longer, it’s barely been a couple hours.” He pulled the blankets up towards Kyo’s chin.

“Hmm, you know that doesn’t do much to hide anything, right?” Kyo said with a smirk. He let his hand trail down Die’s chest until his fingers were hooked in the waistband of Die’s sleep pants. 

“Don’t tease me,” Die said pitifully. “I didn’t mean to dream about you, but I think it’d be difficult not to, with you so close to me.”

“I told you I don’t mind.”

“ _I_ mind,” Die said. “‘Cause now I want you really fucking bad, and you’re making fun of me.”

“I am not,” Kyo said, so gently that Die believed it. “Do you want me to help you?”

Die swallowed, and tried to scoot away from Kyo, but his body wouldn’t listen to such a command. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Of course I don’t,” Kyo said. “But I’m offering.” His fingers tugged a little at Die’s waistband.

“I don’t want you to feel obligated to do anything,” Die said, panic rising in him.

“I don’t,” Kyo assured him. “I just feel turned on, knowing you were thinking about me, dreaming about me.” His hand started to slip slowly into Die’s pants.

“Shit, Kyo,” Die said, his eyes closing as Kyo’s hand finally wrapped around his length. “Y-you don’t have—”

“Shh.” Kyo began stroking him, slow and explorative, fingers tracing him from base to tip and back again. “Do you want to tell me what you were dreaming?”

No, Die absolutely did not, but his cock still gave a traitorous twitch in Kyo’s hand. “Just… you, and uh—us.”

“My mouth again?”

Die shook his head, and regretted it. He didn’t need to tell Kyo the truth. It was embarrassing and personal, and maybe it wasn’t even something Kyo was into. “I—your—Kyo, please don’t make me tell you?”

Kyo’s hand paused. “I would never make you. Do you want me to stop?”

“God, no, never,” Die said, too lost in the sensation of Kyo’s fingers following the seam of his balls, lower and lower, to think much about his own shamelessness.

“Do you—Do you want to touch me, too?”

Die’s eyes popped open at that, and he could see the flush on Kyo’s cheeks, the way his hips were wiggling, and there, like a prize, his cock tenting his sweatpants so significantly that it was almost comical.

“Can I really?” he asked, his hand hesitating at Kyo’s hip.

Kyo nodded. “I want you to.”

That was all Die needed to hastily shove Kyo’s pants down, just enough that he could get a hand around him. “Oh, Kyo.”

“Yeah,” Kyo said breathlessly.

“You feel… I love having you in my hand like this,” Die said honestly. 

Kyo’s eyelids fluttered closed and his hips rocked.

They built a gradual rhythm together, and Die could almost imagine that it was Kyo’s tight body he was fucking into, instead of just his fist. The thought made him thrust harder, faster, wanting so desperately to be _inside_ of Kyo, to feel him all around him.

“You’re so wet,” Kyo whispered, and Die moaned.

The sound of Kyo’s hand jacking his slick cock was loud in the quiet of the early morning, and Die knew he wasn’t going to last much longer.

Die looked down at his own hand around Kyo, at the magnificent evidence of the effect that he had on him, and suddenly he couldn’t hold it back anymore. “Fuck, Kyo, you’re gonna make me cum, you’re so—” He didn’t even know how he’d intended to finish that sentence, but it was lost in a groan as he spilled right over Kyo’s hand, pleasure rushing through his body until he was shuddering and sensitive.

Kyo’s mouth crashed against his, not really leaving him any time to return the kiss before it ended, and he watched as Kyo brought his cum-covered hand to his own mouth and shoved two fingers between his lips without preamble.

A needy little sound came out of Die as he kept working Kyo’s cock and Kyo kept sucking, licking up every drop of Die’s release. Then he was moaning around his own fingers, and Die didn’t know where to look anymore as cum started spurting from Kyo’s cock, landing on his own hip, and across Die’s wrist. The whole picture was so beautifully erotic Die wished he could cum again just from watching.

Kyo took a long moment to come down from it, dragging wet fingers from his mouth and down his chest and abs, where his shirt had ridden up. He looked over at Die with half-lidded eyes, lips parted like he was going to speak, but ended up just shaking his head.

With all the orgasms out of the way, guilt started to set in, and Die couldn’t look at Kyo as he wiped his hands on his pants and tucked himself away. “I’m—was that okay?”

“What do you think?”

“I know I-I pressured you—that other time, and I don’t want to—I’m still so sorry—”

“There was no pressure from you this time,” Kyo said. “I’m the one who stuck my hand in your pants, am I not?”

“But you still might’ve felt—” Die rolled onto his back, so he could stare up at the ceiling and pretend not to feel Kyo’s eyes on him. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to do things like that for me, like just because we agreed we wanted to be _together_ , and I told you I love you, that shouldn’t change what we do together, if you’re not ready.”

He was met with a silence so prolonged that he was forced to peer over and see that Kyo was gaping at him like an alien life form had started protruding from his mouth.

“What?” Die said nervously.

“Did you just—You love me?” Kyo’s voice was quiet and unsure.

“I said that earlier.”

“You definitely did not.”

“I did, when you were—” Die cut himself off and clapped a hand over his own mouth. He hadn’t said it. He’d said it in the dream he’d been having, but he’d never spoken the words aloud to Kyo, and now he’d gone and turned this awkward conversation into an inadvertent love confession. “Well, shit.”

“Thinking of someone else?” Kyo asked with an arched eyebrow.

“I forgot, um. Please don’t think I’m an idiot, but I thought I’d told you, when really that was a dream I had.”

Kyo’s other eyebrow rose. “Not the dream you woke up from with a huge boner.”

“Y-yeah, that same dream.”

Kyo started laughing, almost cackling really. “ _God_ , you’re so fucking weird.” He pulled himself closer to Die. After another second he said, “Did you mean it?”

“In the dream?”

Kyo shrugged. “In general.”

Die considered saying he wasn’t sure, but his mouth was a step ahead, and easily spat out, “Completely.”

Strong arms tightened around Die, and Kyo huffed out a sound that was part amusement, part disbelief. He didn’t say anything more.

“It’s not a problem?” Die said hesitantly. He didn’t want to make it one by talking about it, but he was kind of perplexed by Kyo’s reaction.

“Not for me,” Kyo said. He yawned. “Do you mind if we go back to sleep now? I’m fucking worn out.”

“Going to sleep sounds great,” Die agreed, in spite of how they were both still a bit sticky, and he did his best to adjust the covers over them without jostling Kyo too much.

It took him a while to doze off, his heart still wild after his accidental disclosure, but with Kyo snoring gently next to him it was easier than at home, and in time, the hands of sleep were reaching out to claim him once more.

 

The next time Die awoke, Kyo had rolled clear to the other side of the bed, lying on his stomach with limbs sprawled dramatically across pillows and sheets alike. He wanted to spend another hour just watching him sleep, memorizing the curves and angles of his body in its relaxed state, but he knew he needed to go home and shower before his work shift, and the morning was waning.

He leaned to press a kiss to Kyo’s temple, murmuring a _good morning_ into his hair.

Kyo hummed curiously, and propped himself up on his elbows. “You’re still here, eh?”

Die laughed. “Ouch, was I supposed to leave?”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “Now there’s someone here to make me breakfast.”

“What the hell kind of traditional fuckin’ hospitality is that?” Die said, though the indignant tone he was going for was marred by his continuing laughter.

“I think I’ve been plenty hospitable,” Kyo said. “And in all honesty, you wouldn’t like me to cook for you. There are a few dishes I’m decent at preparing, but ehh, somehow I doubt you’d really enjoy them.” He rolled over and sat up more, leaning his head on one hand as he regarded Die. “We could always go out somewhere.”

Die thought about it, but there was Kyo, comfy and relaxed, dressed down and smiling and only for him, and he decided he’d rather not share him with anyone. “Nah,” he said. “I’ll cook.”

Kyo’s eyes went wide. “You don’t actually have to.”

“No, I know,” Die said. “But it’ll be fun. What do you want?”

There was a few seconds’ pause, then Kyo was smiling somewhere between bashful and wicked. “Pancakes.”

Die knew better than to be really surprised by anything from Kyo anymore, so without another word of argument, he rolled out of bed and headed for the kitchen, intent on making Kyo the best pancakes he’d ever eaten.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the update schedule got a little distorted, but I'll try to get it back on track this coming week! Retail shenanigans!

The first person Die encountered when he walked into the store was Kaoru, with a kind of wild look in his eyes.

“You’re here, oh thank goodness,” he said. For a second, Die thought he was going to hug him.

“What’s wrong? I haven’t even clocked in yet.”

“Go, go, do it now,” Kaoru said, shooing him. “Your AM counterpart got sick and ended up needing to leave early, and I’ve been in a panic ever since, we’re so shortstaffed.”

Kaoru was still mumbling to himself as Die went to drop his things in his locker and clock in for his shift. It was a little early still, but judging by Kaoru’s emotional state, it would be better for him to start right away.

Die couldn’t really understand why Kaoru was so flummoxed. They were often understaffed, and it was much more Kaoru’s way to keep a calm and neutral demeanor even in the face of dire circumstances. He came back out to the front and found Kaoru milling busily around the cash registers, speaking to each employee.

Approaching with caution, Die tapped Kaoru on the shoulder. “Sorry, but is there anything specific you needed before I head over to my station? Are you, um, okay?”

Kaoru shook his head tiredly. “They’re coming.”

That was a disconcerting response. “Who… is coming?”

“The higher-ups,” Kaoru said, like Die was playing dumb on purpose. “My supervisors.”

“They’re coming _here_?” Die said. “Today?”

“ _Now_ ,” Kaoru said. “You knew they were coming.”

“I didn’t,” Die said truthfully. Had he known, he might have been a little anxious himself; the higher-ups were not particularly friendly people, and didn’t share all of Kaoru’s laid-back views.

“How could you have missed it?” Kaoru said. “Haven’t you noticed how insanely stressed out I’ve been for the past week?”

Die decided it was better not to answer that one.

“They’re supposed to do a safety audit, a whole team is coming to check everything, and I don’t know how they can claim to be on top of any of it when they didn’t even _do_ a safety audit last year…” Kaoru had started grumbling things to himself again, and Die was about to start backing away towards Spirits when Kaoru suddenly looked right at him and stopped. “Actually, there is something I need you to do before you go over there.” He turned and started walking, so Die followed him and they ended up, unsurprisingly, at Guest Services.

“Startin’ to think you’re over here more than you’re at your own department,” Toshiya said, eyeing Die keenly. 

“He’s going to clean up the go-backs area,” Kaoru said, and gestured for Die to get to work. He didn’t wait for any acknowledgment before taking off again.

“Apparently, I’m gonna clean up the go-backs area,” Die told Toshiya.

“Because of the safety audit, I guess?”

“I guess,” Die agreed. 

To be fair, the area was kind of a mess; sticky substances spilled and dried, broken bits of this and that scattered around. Die pulled some gloves out of the cleaning cabinet under the counter and went back behind the partition to start tidying up.

“I’ve never seen Kaoru lose his chill like this, but he’s been doing it all morning,” Toshiya said, standing against the wall so he could talk to Die while he watched for customers. “He’s that intimidated by his supervisors?”

“I don’t think it’s a matter of being intimidated,” Die said. He started at the top shelf, taking down and emptying the first plastic go-back bin so he could clean beneath it. “The supervisors are just legitimately assholes, and they’re honestly kind of out to get him.”

“Out to get Kaoru?” Toshiya crossed his arms over his chest. “Why? He gets his shit done. This place is _way_ more organized than the last store I worked at.”

Die shrugged. “His look, his attitude? He doesn’t fit the Japanese businessman model very well and they’ve always held it against him.”

“What’s wrong with his attitude? He’s professional.”

“But he’s lax about a lot of things,” Die said, wiping down the top shelf so he could replace the bins. “And he doesn’t just do their bidding without question, so they think he’s being defiant, and go out of their way to make his life really difficult.”

“Results should be what matters most,” Toshiya said. “The cashiers at my last store didn’t pay attention to how they bagged anything, they didn’t care about the customers at all—here, you can tell there’s a connection there. Well, most of the time. And we get compliments on the cleanliness and upkeep of the store practically every day!”

“Those aren’t the results they care about,” Die snorted. “They want money over everything else. Even this safety audit is probably a smokescreen, just so they can catch us on some stupid small thing and get Kaoru in trouble.”

“That fucking sucks,” Toshiya said.

“There was a whole deal a while back, where they were pushing for us to meet a quota, getting people to sign up for credit cards, thought it would boost sales.” Die shook his head. “Kaoru very patiently pointed out that most people prefer to pay with cash and that it wasn’t going to make much difference. They thought he was just being stubborn and defensive.”

“Well, he can be stubborn…”

“But there was no way for cashiers to meet those quotas,” Die said. He’d finished the second shelf, but there was a suspicious stain at the bottom of one of the bins and he came back to the cleaning cabinet for more supplies. “And besides that, he was _right_ , so punishing him for that…” He sighed. “In the end they compromised and came up with the points card.”

“But hardly anyone even uses _that_ ,” Toshiya said.

“Just givin’ you the facts.” Die put the stain-free bin back in place on the shelf. “Anyway, most of the time working here is really tolerable, and that’s thanks largely to Kaoru, and whenever something is shifty, some new rule or regulation or problems with staffing or hours, it’s invariably the higher-ups’ fault.”

“We should get him a cake,” Toshiya muttered, and all at once Die remembered Toshiya’s crush on the man in question.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Die said. “I think it would be really nice if you got him something, just to show your appreciation.”

Whatever Toshiya might have said next didn’t make it out of his mouth as there was a loud hubbub at the front of the store, and both he and Die looked to see what was going on.

A group of people had entered, all in suits, mostly men, and Kaoru, along with all the gathered staff, was bowing to them rather aggressively. They were bowing back, and it was going on for a while. Toshiya and Die bowed, too, though they were too far from the main group to really be part of the interaction.

“Guess he wasn’t kidding when he said they were coming _now_ ,” Die thought aloud.

“Why didn’t they give us more warning?” Toshiya complained. “If Kaoru had known, like, last week, we could have had time to prepare!”

“He _did_ know,” Die said. “He seemed to think we should have been able to tell what was going on by how he’s been acting.”

“He always acts like that!” Toshiya said with a helpless flail.

“I know, but try telling _him_ that.”

Toshiya groaned. “I don’t want them to come over here. Why’d you have to tell me all that shit about them being out to get Kaoru? I wasn’t nervous before.”

“Sorry,” Die said. He was working quickly now to get the go-backs area looking decent. Even if Guest Services wasn’t the first department on their list for inspection, he’d run out of time to do any more thorough cleaning. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about, though. You’re polite and don’t have any tattoos; they’ll probably like you just fine.”

“I suppose it’s lucky that Kyo has the day off then.”

Die hadn’t even thought about that, but now that Toshiya mentioned it, he felt sure _luck_ had very little to do with Kyo’s schedule. With Kaoru being so stressed about a lack of proper staffing, on any other day, he would have called Kyo to see if he could come in on his day off—which was not to say that Kyo would have accepted. Still, his conspicuous absence seemed to indicate that it was a deliberate choice on Kaoru’s part, and Die couldn’t blame him for that.

“How is he?” Toshiya asked. “Kyo.”

“What do you mean?” Die said. “You saw him last night at rehearsal.”

“And _you_ went home with him.” Toshiya cocked his head. “Didn’t you?”

Die nodded.

“So how was that?”

“Um. Good.” Die stripped off the disposable cleaning gloves and threw them away. “Yeah, he’s great.”

“Yeah? Any progress on the whole, er, issue you were having?”

“Kind of,” Die said, ducking his head. “I mean, we talked about it a little, which was good, and we, um.” He fought back a shiver at the memory of Kyo’s hand tight around his dick. “It was good.”

“Good.” Toshiya gave him a bemused look. “Glad you… talked.”

“Shut up,” Die said, rolling his eyes. But truly, he too was glad that they’d talked. 

After a final once-over to make sure Guest Services looked presentable, Die bade Toshiya farewell and made his way briskly through the store, not even pausing to mess with Shinya on his way to his work station. After all, he didn’t want to risk anything that looked unprofessional and could reflect poorly upon Kaoru.

Spirits wasn’t as much of a mess, since it saw a lot less action than Guest Services, but Die still busted out his meager cleaning supplies to get everything spick and span, should any of those suits come by and snoop around.

He didn’t have many customers, which was lucky since he was fairly engrossed in his scrubbing and disinfecting efforts; even without guests he was busy enough that he didn’t feel like he was wasting his time at all, like he might have on a regular slow day.

It wasn’t too long until a well-put-together woman in a crisp skirt and matching blazer stood in front of Die’s register with an eerily expectant smile on her face and a clipboard in her hands.

“Oh, uh, hello,” Die said, and bowed. “What can I do for you?”

“Do you know who I am?”

Die nodded as politely as possible.

“I need to inspect your station to see that it meets safety standards.”

“Of course.”

She arched a thin eyebrow. “Oh? You’re not going to ask to see my badge, some proof that I am who I claim to be? I could have just walked in off the street and made such a demand.”

Die didn’t see what any stranger would have to gain by checking that his work area meet the prescribed safety requirements, but he shouldn’t have been surprised by the woman’s attitude. Everything was always a trap with these people. All the same, he carefully refrained from saying that he didn’t even check his customers’ IDs half the time and didn’t give a damn how fancy her badge was; instead he bowed again, apologized, and fibbed, just a little. “I saw you come in earlier with the group from Headquarters, so I knew who you were, but if you like, I would be happy to take a look at your ID badge.” Maybe she just didn’t get to show it off very often.

She pursed her lips and took the badge out of her pocket, clipping it to the lapel of her jacket, where it surely ought to have been all along. What was the point of playing games?

Die stood respectfully aside as she took her time looking at everything high and low, making notes on her clipboard as she went. He thought it must be at least partially for show, since there was no way they were spending this long on every individual department; they’d have had to be there at eight in the morning.

She didn’t speak to him again until she came back to stand once more near his register, eyes pointedly on the spray bottle he’d been using to clean and had stashed haphazardly under the counter.

“Excuse me,” she said sweetly, “could you tell me what’s in that bottle?”

Die picked it up and held it out for her to read the label for the cleaning solution, knowing it provided more detail about the chemicals therein than he could have offered her off the top of his head.

“And where exactly are your SDSes?”

“There’s a binder with everything in the back storage room, that’s probably closest,” Die said, gesturing, “though there are additional copies at the guest service counter and in the employees’ break room.”

“You have these chemicals that great a distance from your emergency resources?” she asked, still smiling. “Suppose a child came unattended and mistakenly ingested this solution—how would you handle that situation? How would you know what action to take?”

“I’d look it up on my phone,” Die said automatically.

She stared at him, clearly stunned by his answer.

“Just, being realistic,” he said. “Even if I had the binder in my hand when the incident occurred, it would take a while to find the exact right page with the precise information I’d need on it. It would be faster and more efficient—in an emergency—to google it.”

“I don’t think your manager allows you to use your personal cellphone during your work hours,” she said icily.

Die thought of Kyo, dicking around on his phone right in the front lanes, every shift he’d ever worked. “No, of course not, he’s very strict about such things. But,” he said, widening his eyes for maximum innocent effect, “I think an emergency situation like the one you’re describing would call for an exception to those rules. Don’t you agree?”

She pressed her lips together and turned on her heel, leaving Die to hope he hadn’t just made matters worse for Kaoru.

No one else from Headquarters came to bother Die throughout the day, but he couldn’t honestly tell whether that was a good sign or not. He kept his attention on helping the few customers that passed through, but also prepared himself for the possibility that he’d be getting a serious scolding from Kaoru sooner or later.

By the time Die was clocking out, he was exhausted, fantasizing about a long bath to soothe his aching body. Kaoru and Toshiya were long gone, having started their shifts earlier than he did, but he ran into Shinya by the lockers.

“Well, well, long time no see,” Shinya said.

“I couldn’t visit Toys, I was trying to be on my best behavior for Kaoru’s sake,” Die said.

“And how did that work out for you?”

Die grimaced. “Well, he didn’t call me to the office, and he hasn't mentioned anything to you, so it couldn’t have been _too_ bad?”

Just then, both Die and Shinya’s phones vibrated and Shinya mumbled, “Speak of the devil,” as he looked at his screen.

Die took his out as well, and read the new text from Kaoru.

**Kaoru** : _Sorry for texting late, but I wanted to thank you all for your hard work at the store. We passed our safety audit with flying colors, and that’s largely thanks to your dedication and efforts. Of course the entire staff is responsible, but I don’t have everyone’s phone numbers saved. Besides, I see you guys as leaders among the staff, and I wanted to give an additional thank you to you for keeping me sane during this trying past few weeks. It’s an honor working with you._

It was easily the biggest block of text Die had ever received from Kaoru, and he took a minute to fully process it, while Shinya replied to to the group message right away.

**Shinya** : _Congratulations, Kaoru. None of our work would make a difference without you._

Toshiya responded a moment later with three clapping emoji in a row.

**Toshiya** : _That’s awesome! We should go out and celebrate!_

Die looked to see who all had been included in the group text, and found that it was just the band. He wondered whether Kyo knew that he’d been excluded from working the day of the inspection, or if perhaps he himself had even suggested it.

Kaoru declined the invitation to celebrate and said he’d see them at the store the following day.

Die was still typing his own congratulatory message when Shinya chuckled and Die glanced up from his phone. “Hm?”

“Toshiya texted me outside the group chat,” Shinya said. “He’s set on going out.”

Die finished his message and sent it, but he was less than excited about the prospect of going out. In the past twenty-four hours, he’d only been home for a quick shower, and he’d kind of been looking forward to snuggling up with his cat in his own bed. “I don’t know if this is a good night for it.”

“He’s worked up about something or other,” Shinya said. “It’s rare for him to ask for something, you know…”

“I know,” Die said, and sighed. His bed would still be waiting for him when he finally could go home. “All right, I’m in. Where does he want to go?”

Another few seconds of Shinya tapping away at his phone, and then he chuckled again. “He’ll meet us at the arcade.”

Die wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly. “Did you say the arcade?”

“I told you, he must be having real emotional problems if that’s how he wants to spend a night out,” Shinya said, shrugging his peacoat on.

“You’re navigator,” Die said resignedly, and they made their way out towards the parking lot.

Really, there were worse ways to celebrate, Die thought. He was driving, so it wasn’t like he really wanted to just go out to a bar and resist the temptation to drink all night anyway. It had been a while since he went to an arcade, but maybe it would be fun to go with his bandmates.

Shinya waited until they were in the car to ask, “Did you want to invite Kyo, too?”

“Oh, um. I don’t really know.”

“Did you guys have a fight or something?”

“No, no,” Die said. “I just don’t know if he’d want to go. I can’t really picture it.”

“If you don’t know if he’d want to go, I think that’s why you’d _ask_ ,” Shinya said.

“He didn’t reply at all to the group chat.”

Shinya looked at his phone. “Oh, I hadn’t realized he was in it. Hmm.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Still, it wouldn’t hurt to reach out and invite him?” Shinya said. “I’ll just text him really quick, see if he wants to meet us.”

Die shrugged. “Knock yourself out. Just don’t be shocked when he doesn’t get back to you.”

“You’re sure nothing happened? It seems like you’re feeling… negatively towards Kyo.”

“I’m not,” Die said. “I’m just being realistic in my expectations. He doesn’t like going out, and if he works in the morning, he’d probably rather spend the time sleeping. That, and he kinda sucks at texting back.”

“Does this mean you’re not planning on seeing him again?”

“What?” Die looked over at Shinya. “Not at all! No, we’re definitely still seeing each other. We talked last night and made it official.”

“As in you’re officially together now?”

Die tried not to be too resentful of the surprise in Shinya’s voice. “Yeah, we settled it.”

“I guess I didn’t think he’d be so easily tamed.”

Die wanted to make some retort, that Kyo wasn’t a wild animal, but if he was honest with himself, he’d probably drawn the comparison before, and could see how Shinya would do the same. He tried to redirect his thoughts, though, so he could give his full attention to Toshiya when he saw him, and offer him the kind of support that he always gave Die so freely.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovelovelove~

The rest of the drive to the arcade passed quickly enough, the late hour meaning less traffic than usual. Shinya directed Die on how to get there, and he was sort of startled to find as they pulled up that it was much larger than he’d imagined; several stories tall and with its own accompanying parking garage.

“I’ve never actually been here,” Die said as they parked. “It’s… big.”

“Really? Hmm, I’ve been here a few times,” Shinya said vaguely.

“Once again showing how you’re more popular than I am,” Die teased, though it wasn’t really teasing when it was just true.

They headed to the front of the actual building and found Toshiya there, leaning against the wall, waiting for them. Already Die could tell that Shinya was right: Toshiya’s spirits seemed far lower than usual.

“Hey guys,” he said, looking between them. “Kyo didn’t want to come?”

Shinya shrugged. “He never responded.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, ask his boyfriend.”

Toshiya looked expectantly at Die and he raised his hands in defense.

“Don’t look at me, I told you he wouldn’t text back,” Die said. Looking up at the entertainment megaplex he added, “I don’t think it’s really his scene.”

“And maybe he wouldn’t want to celebrate passing a safety inspection he wasn’t even there for,” Shinya said.

“Well, who needs ‘im anyway, right?” Toshiya said, and charged into the lobby.

They paid for bracelets with a timer that would allow them unlimited gameplay on the arcade floors until their time was up, and let Toshiya lead the way towards whatever it was he wanted to do.

“You’re sure this will give us enough time?” Toshiya fiddled with his bracelet. “Maybe we should have gotten three hours.”

“I really can’t be out all night,” Die said. “I have to work in the morning. Don’t you, too?”

Toshiya shrugged. “I’ll be all right.”

The first machine Toshiya stopped at was a taiko game that Die had seen other places, but never spent much time embarrassing himself trying to play. Here, it was late enough on a weeknight that the arcade wasn’t overly crowded, and since he didn’t have to pay for each individual loss he was more willing to give it a shot.

“Here, Die, play me, and then Shinya can play winner,” Toshiya suggested.

“I don’t know if I’m very good at this,” Die said. “I’ve never been here, I was telling Shinya earlier.”

“But I started drinking before I came here,” Toshiya said, brandishing his bachi, “so you might just have a hand-eye coordination advantage against me.”

Die did indeed have the advantage, but they agreed to a rematch after Die went against Shinya. It went on for a while, with the three of them taking turns playing against each other untileventually they had to admit that Shinya was going to best them every time.

“Okay, so you’re a drummer,” Toshiya said as they moved away from that machine. “We should have seen that coming. But just wait until we play one of these other games and _whoop_ you!”

Die probably could have warned him not to challenge Shinya like that, but he had to admit it was sort of entertaining to see that light flicker in Shinya’s eyes that meant someone was about to be crushed.

Toshiya thought he and Die would have the upper hand at Guitar Hero, but Shinya outscored them yet again, as if it were second nature for him to follow the colors on the screen.

“It’s because he secretly comes here all the time,” Die told Toshiya. “He acts innocent, but he’s been training on all these games, just waiting for an opportunity to make us look like a couple of fools.”

“Or,” Shinya said, “you keep trying to challenge me on rhythm games, which are obviously going to be something I have more expertise in than you do.”

“Bass is a rhythm instrument!” Toshiya snapped. “And Die plays _rhythm_ guitar!”

Shinya just gave them a sympathetic look and headed for the drink bar.

“You think Kaoru would be good at these games?” Toshiya asked as they followed Shinya to get their drinks.

“Er.” Die should have expected such a question, but he still didn’t know how to answer. “I mean, probably not?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Toshiya said. “He’d probably just refuse to play, stand there watching us play, and then tell us we were doing it wrong.”

“Um. Hmm.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Shinya asked. They had reached the machine for the drink tickets and Shinya handed them each one.

“Just how we’re absolutely gonna find at least one game here that you suck at,” Toshiya said. “We’ve got time left!”

Shinya shot Die a questioning look, but he could only grimace in return.

Toshiya went ahead to get his drink, muttering something regretful about the establishment’s lack of alcohol.

“I was surprised that you wanted to come here,” Die said, when they all had their drinks and went to sit at one of the round tables in the empty snack area. “Usually when someone wants to go out and celebrate, I think drinking’s gonna be involved.”

“Maybe that’s _why_ I wanted to come here,” Toshiya said. “I mean, I can drink easily enough at home, which is not necessarily a good thing. At least if I was out here with you guys, I could try to forget my troubles and have a good time.”

“Well, maybe it’d be a better time if Shinya could lose at one of these games,” Die said.

“I think this is good for us,” Shinya said, ignoring his comment. “We could all use a little break to de-stress, especially when we’ve got the gig this weekend.”

“Oh god, it’s so soon,” Die said. “I have so little time between now and then for sleeping.”

“Or for practicing,” Toshiya pointed out.

“We sounded pretty good at that last rehearsal,” Shinya said. “I honestly think we’ll be fine.”

“You’re not nervous?” Die asked. He wasn’t sure what “nervous” looked like on someone like Shinya, but he couldn’t believe that someone so shy and reserved wouldn’t have at least a little bit of stagefright. 

“I can hide behind my drums,” Shinya said. “No one will really be looking at me anyway. I’d be more nervous if I was one of you guys.”

The implicit mention of Kaoru seemed to bring the subject back to the forefront of Toshiya’s consciousness, and he started talking, more to himself, his eyes on his half-empty drink in front of him, “Like what even _are_ we to him? Just some fucking employees?”

Shinya and Die looked at each other but didn’t speak.

“Blah blah, 'I see you guys as leaders,' what even is that?” Toshiya said bitterly, his tone making the fact that he’d had a few drinks before meeting them somewhat more apparent.

“He is our manager at the store,” Shinya said with that gentleness Die knew so well from episodes of his own where he’d required it. “In this particular situation, I’m sure our hard work and leadership meant a lot to him.

“But not enough that he would come out and celebrate with us,” Toshiya said.

“Not everyone likes to celebrate in the same way,” Shinya said. “For him, a night in might be the ideal celebration.”

“A night in, alone?”

“It’s possible. That’s not anything personal against you.”

“Yeah, remember, Kyo’s not here either,” Die said, hoping it was helpful and didn’t seem like he was flaunting his new relationship. “You can’t make people enjoy the things you want them to enjoy.”

“At least Kyo enjoys _you_ ,” Toshiya grumbled.

The words carried a perhaps unintentional double entendre, and Die was almost too distracted by the sudden mental image of Kyo sucking his cum off his own fingers to hear Toshiya continue:

“He enjoys your _company_. Even if he’s not here, you guys see each other all the time and he has you over to his place and everything.”

“Well—Toshiya, you know it’s kind of different,” Die said, when he got his brain back online.

“And Kaoru did say he was messaging us because we keep him sane,” Shinya reminded him. “So, see, that’s more than just employees!”

Toshiya gave a frustrated groan. “That’s just the _band_. It’s a de-stressing tool for him like coming here is supposed to be for us, not something where he has an emotional connection with any of the members.”

“That’s not really fair,” Die said. “We don't know how connected Kaoru feels to any of us.”

“Because he never says anything.”

“Have you talked about it?” Shinya asked. “Toshiya. Have you… or are you planning to, at some point, discuss your feelings with Kaoru?”

Toshiya didn’t say anything for a long while, just stared at the ice cubes melting in his melon soda. Neither Die nor Shinya wanted to push him to answer before he was ready, but it was rapidly becoming clear that this night out had a lot more to do with this issue than with celebrating their passing score on their safety audit.

At length, Toshiya shook his head. “How can I? I don’t even know what my feelings are. I’d be making an ass of myself and jeopardizing the good working relationship we have now, and for what?”

Die didn’t know if he was supposed to argue or agree. If Toshiya were really set on his feelings, knew what he wanted, and there was a chance that Kaoru could make it happen, then it would be worth the risk, and he’d support Toshiya’s pursuit without hesitation, but as things stood…

“I… don’t know anything about Kaoru’s sexuality,” Shinya said. “It’s not something we’ve ever talked about at all. But just because I don’t know, that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily 100% straight and there’s nothing there. Your working relationship is something to consider, but if you feel like bringing the matter up to him would give you at least some peace of mind, we’ll be right here behind you.”

Die was already nodding encouragingly, but he stopped as Toshiya lifted his head and gave them a serious look.

“No,” he said, his voice quiet but steady. “I’ll get over him. I respect him and what we have, and I’m okay with it.” He smiled before Shinya could open his mouth to say more. “To be honest, I get a lot of crushes. I’ll probably find someone new to fixate on soon.”

Die had a hard time believing that it would be that easy to move on from someone as sort of intense and enigmatic as Kaoru, but he wasn’t about to call attention to that when Toshiya was clearly trying to put on a brave face. “I expect to hear all about your new crush when it happens,” he said instead, and got a weak laugh in response. 

“Now I believe you still have yet to find a game at which you can beat me,” Shinya said mildly. “Shall we?”

The evening went on for a while, but no matter what game they tried, Shinya never lost. Motorcycle racing, air hockey, skiing—even a fighting tournament game saw Shinya getting the highest scores again and again.

“It’s rigged,” Die said, collapsing into one of the massage chairs at the far side of the arcade floor. “I don’t think we’re ever gonna beat him, Totchi.”

“I refuse to accept defeat!” Toshiya protested. “He can’t be the master of every fucking game in here!” He looked down at Die and realized he had no intention of moving from the massage chair where he’d settled. “What are you doing??”

“I’ve earned a break,” Die said, in spite of the fact that this whole outing was supposed to be a “break” for them.

“How! You haven’t beaten Shinya yet! That’s the only way to earn anything.”

“Be that as it may,” Die pulled out his phone to check the time and left it on his lap, “I’m not getting up for at least fifteen minutes, so you’re on your own.”

Toshiya huffed indignantly, but he left Die to relax.

Die had hardly even realized just how badly he needed the time to himself, but the instant Toshiya was out of sight he was breathing a sigh of relief. Things had been particularly busy and stressful lately and the vibrations of the chair on his sore muscles felt like heaven.

He started enjoying his massage so much he might not have noticed his phone buzzing if it hadn’t been out resting on his lap. He swiped his thumb across the screen to unlock it, intent on deleting a new wheedling text from Toshiya, only to find a message from Kyo instead.

It was a little embarrassing that his heart skipped a beat just seeing Kyo’s name on the screen like that, but there was no one around to see his face light up, so Die smiled as he opened the message.

**Kyo** : _How’s the celebration going?_

Die cast a glance across the floor to where Toshiya and Shinya were throwing balloons at each other in the area intended for younger children, and answered the text without hesitation.

**Die** : _Winding down, I think. Eventually we have to just admit there’s not a game in this arcade that Shinya can’t kick our asses at._

**Kyo** : _Hell, I coulda told you that and I’m not even there._

**Die** : _Lol well Toshiya’s determined._

**Die** : _Miss you though._

Was that too clingy? Die wasn’t sure what was over some line now that they were officially together, but he hoped his honesty didn’t push Kyo away.

Letting his eyes close, Die went back to enjoying his massage, feeling the tension pushed and prodded out of his neck and lower back in slightly painful rolling motions. A massage from human hands would surely have felt much better, but he’d take what he could get, and he’d have happily stayed in the chair for an hour.

In time, he got another text from Kyo, saying merely that he missed him too, and wishing him a good night.

Die would have liked for the conversation to go on longer. He wanted to hear about Kyo’s day, tell him about the snippy woman from Headquarters and hear his judgment of her. He wanted to talk to him.

But as seemed to often be the case, over text was not the ideal conditions to get a conversation with Kyo to happen. For how often Die had seen Kyo using his phone, his communication via the device was unreliable at best.

Still, Die knew he had nothing to complain about. It was nice that Kyo had taken the time to reach out to him at all, and even if in doing so he was acknowledging that he’d blown off their invitation to join, it was sort of sweet of him to ask after their celebration.

After sending off his own goodnight text and basking for another few minutes in the chair, Die finally pried himself out of its leathery vibrating embrace and wandered off in search of the rest of his party.

No one else was really in the arcade, so all he had to do was follow the sounds of activity to find Shinya and Toshiya arguing at the edge of the roller rink stationed in the center of the large floor.

“You said specifically you would beat me at a _video game_ ,” Shinya was saying. “Roller skating is not a game and it does not count!”

“You’re just too much of a chicken to try it, ‘cause you know I’ll win!”

“Die, can you please tell him to be reasonable?”

Die didn’t know what to say. On the one hand, of course Shinya was right, and roller skating didn’t count as a game that Toshiya could beat him at, but the notion of Shinya wobbling around on skates what too good to pass up. “I say it counts.”

Shinya’s eyes went wide. “What!”

Toshiya was doubled over, cackling.

“This is a conspiracy,” Shinya said.

“If you refuse that’s forfeit,” Toshiya told him loudly. “I win automatically!”

“I never said I was refusing,” Shinya replied. “Bring it on.”

In the end, it was a rather close call who won the roller skating challenge; Shinya clung to the wall like a barnacle, and Toshiya, overly confident and 90% limbs, fell on his ass so many times Die lost count. They both gave up within ten minutes, and no one was laughing anymore besides Die. Shinya said that Toshiya was the winner, but Die suspected it was more out of pity than anything.

It seemed like that last activity had more or less worn everyone out, and the three of them started towards the exit without even talking about it. They returned their bracelets and walked out through the turnstile, heading outside.

“Next time we should definitely do karaoke,” Toshiya said. “I can’t believe we never made it over there today.”

“Guess we were pretty occupied with other things,” Shinya said.

“C’mon, I’ll give you a ride home,” Die said, throwing an arm around Toshiya’s shoulders. “It’s late.”

Toshiya didn’t argue. “Thanks. And thank you guys for coming out with me at all. I know I was being kind of… There were probably places you’d have rather been.”

“I told you,” Die said, “you’re there for me all the time. I’m happy to have a chance to be there for you, too.”

Shinya nodded. “Never think of yourself as some burden. Spending an evening with you is no trouble whatsoever.”

After everything, Toshiya still seemed a little off, more distant and downcast than usual, but Die felt sure he would be able to start healing from any Kaoru-related injuries soon, and knew he had a good support system in place should he need any help during that process.

As for the roller skating injuries, well, maybe he was on his own.


	23. Chapter 23

There was somehow something surprising about receiving another message from Kaoru in the group chat the following day. He wanted them all to have a quick meeting before they left the store for the night, and it took Die a minute to properly realize why.

“Shit, Shinya, the gig is _tomorrow_!” Die said as they waited at the front of the store for the rest of the group. “Like, actually tomorrow, we have to perform!”

“I’m aware,” Shinya said, unimpressed as ever.

“It totally snuck up on me.”

“How so? We’ve been rehearsing for weeks,” Shinya said. “It was just last night you were there with me and Toshiya, talking about it.”

“Talking about it is one thing,” Die said. “I still don’t have an outfit picked out!”

Shinya looked at him in surprise. “You don’t? Die, it’s tomorrow.”

“That’s what I’m saying!”

“I guess we know what you’re doing tonight.”

 

Kaoru mostly wanted to go over logistics, confirm how everyone and everything was getting to the venue, and check that they were all on the same page.

“I guess that’s everything,” he said finally, though he didn’t sound entirely sure of himself. “No one has any last-minute concerns?”

Everyone shook their heads, and though he still seemed a bit hesitant, Kaoru dismissed them to go their separate ways for the evening.

Die watched as Toshiya slipped quietly off, his face not showing anything he might be feeling. He made a mental note to text him later and check in.

He was focused enough on that that he didn’t notice right away how Kyo was standing beside him, patient and quiet as a cat.

“Is he all right?” Kyo’s soft voice cut through Die’s thoughts.

“Toshiya? Yeah, sure, he’s just—he’s fine,” Die said. Kyo wasn’t really close enough to be in on Toshiya’s private feelings, so Die wasn’t about to offer more information than he should. If Toshiya wanted to share that kind of thing with Kyo, he could tell him himself.

Kyo didn’t argue, simply shrugged and watched Toshiya go.

“Heading home?” Die asked. “I can give you a lift.”

Slowly, Kyo nodded. “Thanks.”

It wasn’t much, but it was progress, and if Die could at least give his boyfriend a ride home after a long day at work, that was something to be happy about.

As soon as they were buckled in, Kyo started off with, “So, I’ve been thinking about our Star Wars watching project.”

“Oh, right, that,” Die said. He had most assuredly _not_ been thinking about it.

“My instinct is to watch them in release order,” Kyo said, his face creased and thoughtful. “But if all you’ve ever seen is Episode I, then maybe we ought to start there.”

“That's the one with the red guy?”

“Darth Maul,” Kyo said distractedly. “Yeah, we’d probably better start with Episode I and go from there.”

“Why would you think we should start with a different one than the one called Episode _I_?”

Kyo just waved a hand like it was too much trouble to explain, and was quiet for a moment before saying, “I can’t believe you haven’t seen them. Not to shame you or anything, but they were such a huge, formative part of my childhood. Luke Skywalker might well have been my first conscious celebrity crush.”

“Yeah?” Die smiled over at him. “He a fox?” He tried to put a face to the name, but he wasn’t 100% sure. Was that the blonde guy?

Kyo snorted. “Hardly. My taste was somewhat lacking in my elementary school days.”

“At least it was him and not one of the robots or something.”

“Droids,” Kyo corrected him gently. “And eh. All perspective, I guess.”

“But you don’t like the newer movies as well as the old ones.”

“How could I? I grew up with the original trilogy,” Kyo said. “Though there’s certainly something to be said for the costume design in the prequels—Amidala’s got looks.”

“Shit!” Die said, louder than he meant to, and Kyo jumped. “Sorry, sorry, just, you saying that reminded me—I still haven’t picked out what I’m wearing tomorrow.”

“What!” Kyo was almost as loud as Die. “But you were talking about it _weeks_ ago, how could you not have picked?”

“Um, I’m a master of procrastination?”

“That’s terrible. Tell me you at least have it narrowed down.”

“Sure I do,” Die said breezily. “I know I’m not gonna wear what I’m wearing right now.”

“That—No. Die.”

Die glanced over to see Kyo fixing him with a serious look. 

“Do you need—Would you like for me to come over and… help you decide on something?”

Surprised affection rushed through Die and he clenched his hands on the steering wheel to keep from throwing his arms around Kyo and potentially crashing the car. “You really wouldn’t mind?”

“No, I don’t have any real plans for the evening,” Kyo said. “And besides—I mean, I… like spending time with you.”

That was pretty big coming from Kyo, and Die let himself smile at it. “Then we’ll just go back to my place?”

“As long as you can drive me home later. I do have to get my things for tomorrow, you know.”

“I can still pick you up again in the morning.”

“I think I’d rather get there myself, but thank you.”

Luckily they didn’t have to backtrack much to redirect towards Die’s apartment, and soon they were out of the car and heading up to his floor.

“I swear I’m not usually so indecisive about shit like this,” Die said, fidgeting with his keys as they climbed the stairs. “I dunno if it’s just the pressure of it being, like, our first gig? I’ve been putting off even thinking about it.”

“You’re probably just overthinking it. You know you’ll look good no matter what you wear.”

It was the same thing Kyo had told him when he’d asked his opinion in the first place, but it felt like it meant more now, and a little tingle of excitement hit Die just hearing it.

A few minutes later Kyo was lounging on Die’s bed, Quila curled up next to him, as Die stood staring into the bleakness of his closet. 

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Well,” said Kyo, “We agreed on black and white, right? That gives you something to go off.”

“Okay,” Die said. “Okay.” He took out several items and tossed them on the foot of the bed, where Quila chirped in complaint. Grabbing a few pairs of pants from the lower closet shelf, Die turned back to face Kyo. “Pants first. What do you think?”

“How am I supposed to tell if you’re not wearing them?”

“Well,” Die said, shaking them out to better hold them up. “These are more dressy, and these are tighter—”

“Wear the tighter ones.”

Die gave him a scolding look.

“What?” Kyo said with an unrepentant shrug. “You asked my opinion—try them on if you want me to judge more fairly.”

Die sighed, but put the pants down with everything else, ‘cause of course he knew he would have to try things on if he really wanted Kyo’s help choosing. But he hesitated with his hands on his fly. Was it weird to just start taking his clothes off in front of Kyo? Maybe it would be better to go in the bathroom…

“I don’t care if you change in front of me,” Kyo said, clearly sensing his uncertainty. “But if you’re more comfortable changing and then coming out and showing me each look, I can just wait here.”

“Yeah,” Die said. “I—I think that would make more sense. Then you can see the whole outfit, that’s—yeah, that’s better.” He awkwardly bundled up everything in his arms and carried it into the bathroom, kicking the door closed behind him.

He wasn’t sure why the thought of undressing in front of Kyo made him so nervous; it had only been a matter of days since Kyo had had his hand shoved down Die’s pants. But, Die thought, he hadn’t _seen_ anything. He didn’t know if he was comfortable putting himself on display for Kyo like that, and having this be the first time he saw him without clothes.

So he tried on the slacks first (which were less tight), and a black button-down with subtle silver pinstripes. He rolled the sleeves up to his elbows and came out of the bathroom.

Kyo looked up at once from where he’d been gazing at the cat next to him, and tilted his head, considering. “I’ve never seen you wear that shirt.”

“You probably haven’t seen me wear most of the clothes I own,” Die said, pushing some hair behind his ear.

“I like it,” Kyo said. “But you shouldn’t have it so buttoned-up.”

“No?” Die glanced down at himself, popped the top two buttons, and looked back to Kyo for approval.

Kyo frowned and got up from the bed. He came to stand in front of Die. “May I?”

Die gestured for him to go ahead, and then Kyo was unfastening buttons more than halfway down Die’s torso, eyes calmly focused on the pale skin he was revealing. Die held his breath as Kyo pulled the two sides of his shirt apart, adjusting them to his liking, practically showing off Die’s entire chest.

“There,” Kyo said, apparently satisfied. “How’s that?”

“Uh,” Die said. For whatever reason he hadn’t foreseen this aspect of Kyo helping him try on clothes. It probably should have been obvious, but he wasn’t remotely prepared for the casual eroticism of Kyo unbuttoning his shirt for him.

“Problem?”

Die shook his head.

Kyo’s fingertips just barely grazed his skin, his hands still holding onto his shirt. It seemed unconscious, but Die still struggled not to gasp at the contact.

“But. I—I have other shirts to try on, too.”

“Okay, let’s see what else you’ve got,” Kyo said. He didn’t say anything about the pants, and Die was sort of afraid to call his attention to them, so he just backed away and returned to the bathroom.

In a way, Die thought as he placed the shirt into a _Maybe_ pile, it was good practice for tomorrow’s live, where he’d have to be up onstage in front of a crowd—except there was no chance any size crowd could match the intensity of Kyo’s gaze for even a second.

Die did his best not to dwell on it, not wanting to walk out there with an obvious boner, and he put on the next shirt that was an option.

Kyo kept his hands to himself for the next few outfits, his response to each one lukewarm at best. Then Die went ahead and tried on the tightest pair of black jeans he had, and almost immediately, Kyo was up off the bed again, coming to inspect Die more closely.

“You like this one?” Die asked, as if he wasn’t being eyed like a piece of meat.

Kyo just nodded, eyes flitting from his face to the vest Die wore over a plain white tank top. “It has a hood? How does it look up?”

Die demonstrated, the loose hood of the vest shading his face. “Not practical for most occasions.”

“Looks kinda badass though,” Kyo said, “as long as some of the time you have it down so your hair is out.”

“Yeah, it’d be hard to keep the hood up while I’m playing, I think.”

Kyo was still just standing in front of him, not touching, but close enough that he could be. “This is good too, ‘cause it shows your arms.”

Die pushed the hood back and shook out his hair. “You like my arms?”

“They’re nice arms.”

“Yours are nice, too,” Die said lamely.

“And these jeans…” Kyo’s voice was suddenly much lower. “Looks like we’ve got your whole outfit picked out then.”

“Yeah, looks like,” Die agreed, as Kyo hooked his fingers in Die’s belt loop and tugged him forward. “So what—what should we do now?”

“It’s kind of late to start watching a movie or anything,” Kyo said. His fingers moved from Die’s belt loop to toy with the button of his jeans. “But if you’re up for it…” He raised his eyebrows in question.

Die nodded. “Yes. I’m, yeah, I’m up for anything.”

With a smirk, Kyo lowered himself to his knees, and Die didn’t quite whine aloud, but it was a near thing.

“Remember when I texted you last night and you were losing at arcade games?” Kyo said as he undid Die’s fly.

It seemed like a non-sequitur but Die nodded again. “I was actually chillin’ in the massage chair, but yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have given you a massage.”

“Really? That would be amazing,” Die said, eyes closing as he imagined Kyo’s elegant hands working the knots out of his shoulders.

“Next time,” Kyo promised. “But right now—Well, the truth is I’d hoped when I texted last night that you wouldn’t really still be out with everyone. That you’d be home.” He started shimmying Die’s form-fitting jeans down his hips.

Die braced one hand on Kyo’s shoulder for balance. “Oh?”

“Mmhmm. Because I was jerking off and thinking about you,” Kyo said, as casual as a comment about the weather. “If you’d been home and alone, I probably would have called.”

Die opened his eyes and stared down at Kyo, only half-believing he was really there. “You would’ve… called me?”

“Just to hear your voice,” Kyo said, eyes on where he was now pulling Die’s boxers down after his jeans. He paused as he finally revealed Die’s half-hard length, and let out a quiet breath before closing his hand around the shaft.

“What—What were you thinking about?”

“This,” Kyo said. “About how you told me before you’d cum thinking about my mouth. I wanted to give that to you. To taste you and touch you, and…” He leaned in, licked the head of Die’s cock. “You made me feel so good that first night, I wanted to pay you back.”

Die swallowed, tried to shake his head. “You always make me feel good. Everything you do… I’m sorry I couldn’t help you last night.”

Kyo flashed him a grin. “I managed.”

“Oh, god,” Die said, unable to hold back the mental images of Kyo pleasuring himself to the thought of Die, maybe with his fingers stuffed in his mouth as he jerked his flawless cock, until he was cumming all over his own abs. Die felt his cock twitch in Kyo’s hand.

Before Die had another second to think about it, Kyo was _there_ , his hot mouth engulfing Die’s dick, tongue pressing along a vein on the underside so perfectly that Die truly wondered whether it was just another dream. That wouldn’t be surprising. But no, he could feel Kyo’s fingers digging into his hips, could feel the fabric of Kyo’s shirt under his own hand where he was still grasping his shoulder, and the perfection of Kyo’s mouth was simply reality.

His brain couldn’t exactly follow everything that Kyo’s tongue was doing, and it was hard to keep his eyes open, much as he wanted to go on staring at the magnificent picture Kyo presented, lips stretched and red, saliva dripping from the corner of his mouth as he bobbed his head. Every once in a while his dark eyes would flick up to meet Die’s, and it was more than Die could really handle.

It was hard to believe that Kyo had really wanted this so much he’d been thinking about it since the night before. Sure, Die knew that he wanted Kyo basically all the time, but Kyo was so much more closed-off when it came to voicing his desires that it was sometimes hard to tell if he was even attracted to Die.

His behavior tonight seemed like a pretty good indication though that he was; getting Die to dress up for him just so he could get on his knees and peel those jeans back off him…

Without really meaning to, Die muttered, “You were really so eager to get your pretty mouth on my dick you got off thinking about it, huh?”

Kyo looked up at him again, and Die thought perhaps he’d taken it too far, that he should have asked before trying to talk dirty like that, but Kyo didn’t look displeased, and if anything, he seemed to suck harder. 

Spurred on, Die continued, “You look so good like this, take it so—god, you’re so fucking hot, Kyo.”

Kyo pulled back, giving more attention to the head, and Die lost his ability to speak words.

Kyo’s hair was so soft and light in his hand, and that thought was what caused Die to notice he’d gotten his free hand tangled in Kyo’s pink tresses. He tugged gently and Kyo actually _moaned_ around his cock. “Fuck,” Die said. He could feel the pressure mounting within him, knew he was close to losing it, much as he’d have liked to spend a good deal more time watching Kyo suck him off, maybe seeing if he could deepthroat him…

“Kyo—I’m-I’m close. You don’t have to keep—” 

Kyo made a small noise that somehow sounded very much like _shut up_ , and Die bit his lip and let Kyo continue his mouth’s magic until he was cumming, spurting over Kyo’s tongue.

Only when Die was finally finished did Kyo pull all the way off and look up at him, licking his lips.

“You’re incredible,” Die said, too deep in his post-orgasmic haze to keep himself from saying cheesy things.

Kyo leaned back on his hands, displaying how his own cock was straining in his pants, and Die practically threw himself onto the floor in his desperation to help Kyo get off.

Mouths crashed gracelessly together, hands pulling at hair and clothing, and Die could hardly find the oxygen necessary to ask, “What do you need, what do you want?

In response, Kyo merely pulled Die closer, positioned himself so he was straddling Die’s thigh, and resumed kissing him, biting at his lips as he rutted against him.

There was little Die could do other than hold on, kissing Kyo back when he could. His brain was in a complete fog, contributing nothing of any value, just on a constant loop of how Kyo was _using_ him, Kyo was going to cum right in his pants because he was so worked up from sucking Die’s dick, and if Die had dropped dead right then, he would have gone out a happy man.

Time was a luxury Die couldn’t keep track of, and far too soon, Kyo was gasping, throwing his head back as he clearly came, just like that, inside his clothing, and it was one of the sexiest things Die had ever witnessed.

He couldn’t stop kissing Kyo, even as all other movements slowed to nothing. He wanted to be closer to him, wanted his whole body pressed up against Kyo’s, naked and sated, but sitting as they were, in a little heap on the floor, it seemed like too much to ask.

Eventually, Kyo shifted away from him, got to his feet with a quiet groan. He looked down at himself, the obvious wet spot on the front of his pants, and chuckled. “Guess I’d better go clean up.”

Die gestured towards the bathroom, but snagged one of Kyo’s hands as he started to walk past him. “Stay?”

“I’m pretty sticky. I don’t think I’d better leave it much longer.”

“No, stay the night,” Die said, linking his fingers with Kyo’s. “It’s late, and you could shower, and we could… fall asleep together.”

Kyo didn’t say anything for a long moment. Then he gingerly pulled his hand from Die’s. “It’s a nice offer. I’ll take you up on it another time. Now I just need to clean up so I can head home.”

Having no interest in starting an argument, Die let him go, and went about getting himself put back together. He changed into something he could wear to drive Kyo home, put his clothes for the concert aside. He didn’t understand Kyo’s reluctance to stay. They’d established that they were a couple, Kyo had completely instigated that last sexual episode, and yet he wasn’t willing to stay just to sleep with Die in his bed?

Kyo came out a minute later and found Die in the kitchen in his fresh clothes, drinking some water.

“Feeling cleaner?” Die asked, holding the water out to Kyo.

Kyo wrinkled his nose and took the water. “Damp.”

Die laughed. “Yeah, well, that’s what you get. You didn’t _have_ to blow your load right in your pants, you know.”

Kyo shrugged. “I was in the moment.”

That was where an _I love you_ very nearly slipped out of Die’s mouth, but he caught it, bit down on his lower lip. He’d already told him, he knew, but since Kyo hadn’t responded in kind, Die hadn’t really been sure whether or not it was something he wanted to hear. Maybe he’d politely tolerated it the first time, but Die didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by repeating it without invitation. 

Instead he offered, “Do you wanna borrow something to wear home?”

Kyo gave him a dubious look. “What, like something you own is gonna fit me? I don’t really have time to grow ten centimeters in the next few minutes, but thanks.”

Die huffed dismissively. “I’m sure I have something shorter.”

“It’s really fine,” Kyo said. “I’ll change when I get home.”

“Then, I guess I’ll take you now,” Die said, not really hiding his disappointment.

“If you don’t mind,” Kyo said. “Or honestly, I can get a cab or something if it’s more convenient.”

“What? No, don’t be ridiculous,” Die said. “I don’t mind driving you, I just… kinda wish you’d stay longer.”

Kyo crossed to him, looped his arms around his waist. “I know. I will, some other night. But tomorrow is a long day, and I think… I kinda need the time to decompress beforehand.”

“Sure,” Die said nodding. He rested his chin on top of Kyo’s head.

“You get that it’s not you, right?” Kyo said. He wiggled out from under Die’s chin and looked up at him. “I just don’t have the social energy necessary to carry over from now all the way into tomorrow’s performance. I have to go home and be alone and recharge. It’s not because I want to be away from _you_.”

“I know,” Die said, and smiled, but it was only a half-truth.

Sure, he understood the general introverted thing Kyo was describing, but he didn’t want Kyo’s time with him to be a drain on his social energy. He wanted Kyo to be more comfortable with him than he was with other people. All the same, he knew voicing such a desire was beyond pointless, so he kept it to himself and drove Kyo home.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. So many things have been happening and they've all been bad, but here is your two-part concert update. I hope it doesn't disappoint too much.

Shinya was waiting patiently outside when Die pulled up at his building, and he gratefully accepted the cup of tea Die had taken the liberty of getting for him.

He glanced at the backseat as they started driving. “I’d sort of expected you to drive Kyo as well,” he said.

The thought that Kyo had so vehemently refused to spend the night still rankled a bit, but Die tried not to let that show as he replied, “He insisted he could get there on his own.”

“Hmm.”

“I think, you know, he just wanted some time to himself before having to go onstage and everything.”

“Sure, that makes sense,” Shinya said, his trademark calm making it somewhat difficult to tell his real opinion on the matter. “Did you manage to find something to wear for today?”

“Yeah, I did,” Die said, pleased for the change in subject. “Actually, Kyo came over last night and helped me choose an outfit.”

“He did? Huh,” Shinya said. He looked out the passenger window. “I wouldn’t have thought to ask his opinion on something like that.”

“On clothes?” Die was confused. Shinya usually knew more about Kyo (and about most things) than any of the rest of them; how could he not know that Kyo was some kind of fashion expert? “But he’s got all his fashion stuff.”

Shinya didn’t respond.

“What?” Die looked over at him. “Do you really not know how he’s always, like, studying, and designing and taking commissions, making people custom shit?”

Shinya made a contemplative noise. “I’ve seen him mention commissions before, on twitter or somewhere, but I never gave much thought as to the medium.”

“That’s why he was so upset, that one day,” Die said. He wasn’t going to spill a lot of Kyo’s personal information, but he remembered Kyo saying he didn’t mind Shinya knowing things about him. “He’d been getting a lot of rejections from different fashion companies he was hoping to work for.”

“Really?” Shinya said, still sounding more surprised than Die thought he should. “I didn’t realize he wanted to leave the store so much.”

“What?” Die didn’t follow.

“I mean, I guess I wasn’t deluded enough to think he _likes_ working there, but he’d never mentioned—”

“Wait, stop, what do you mean? Leave the store?”

“He’s looking for another job,” Shinya said. “That typically means one is hoping to _leave_ the job they currently have.”

“No, no, he’s… It’s not…” Die felt totally blindsided. It had never even occurred to him that Kyo’s search for work in the fashion industry meant he wouldn’t be at the store anymore. He wasn’t sure if that meant he was just slow or in some kind of denial. Kyo’d never said anything like that to him, but maybe he’d assumed Die could pick up on that detail on his own. “You really think he means to quit his cashiering job?”

“I don’t blame him,” Shinya said. “No offense, but it’s pretty obvious that customer service doesn’t suit him well. And it makes sense that he wouldn’t be really public about it; if he’s job-hunting he wouldn’t want his current employers to find out.”

It made sense. Of course it made sense, Shinya was always right about everything—but Die didn’t want it to be true. What kind of place would the store be without Kyo’s presence?

Die didn’t say anything more on the subject and perhaps Shinya sensed his discomfort because he didn’t bring it up again. The stereo was cranked a little louder and in time they arrived at the venue, and found Kaoru smoking outside as he waited.

“We’re not on yet,” he informed them when they came to meet him, weighed down with instruments and equipment. “And good morning, I hope you’re both well-rested for today’s performance.” 

Die nodded, and looked around, not wanting to ask outright if Kyo had arrived yet.

Kaoru picked up on the unasked question anyway. “You two are the first of our band here, besides me. It’s too early for me to worry that public transportation might have failed the others.” He crushed out the remainder of his cigarette and disposed of it before nodding for them to follow him into the building. “C'mon. I’ll show you where we can put our gear.”

Despite the early hour, the inside hallways were bustling with activity, but Kaoru led them through as if he’d grown up onsite. He introduced them to a few technicians, showed them the dressing room they were sharing with two other bands, and gave them a quick tour of the space.

By the time they were walking back towards the dressing rooms, Kyo and Toshiya were coming in and intercepted them in the hallway.

“Did you come together?” Kaoru asked, looking them up and down.

“Just from the last station,” Toshiya said. “Place is a madhouse already, I’m glad we didn’t get here any later.”

Kyo didn’t say much of anything, just nodded in greeting, and he and Toshiya went with Kaoru so he could repeat his tour for them, while Die and Shinya tried to stake out a corner of the dressing room for themselves.

“Are you still trying to hide your relationship from Kaoru?” Shinya asked quietly, but without judgment.

The question caught Die off-guard. “No! Well, not actively. And Kyo’s not either,” he said. Everything Shinya was saying today seemed to make Kyo out to be sneaking around and keeping secrets, and Die didn’t see him that way at all, much less see himself as being part of it. He almost felt like he should be offended.

“I get it if you don’t want him to find out,” Shinya said. “I just couldn’t help notice you didn’t, you know, greet Kyo all that affectionately.”

“Is that an expectation now? Since we’re dating we have to be all over each other or else we’re up to something?”

“I didn’t say you were up to something.”

“Why does it make a difference to you how we greet each other when we’re in front of other people? When it’s the two of us, I assure you, there’s more affection than you’d want to hear about.”

Shinya gave him a funny, lingering look. “You’re right, it’s none of my business. I apologize.”

Something about Shinya always succeeded in making Die feel soul-crushingly guilty, and already he was regretting how he’d just spoken to him. He couldn’t put his finger on why exactly he’d gotten so defensive, and certainly he hadn’t meant to make a big deal of it.

Truthfully, he might not even have noticed the lack of PDA between Kyo and himself, but having an outsider call attention to it made him hyper aware. Were they not behaving the way they should have been? Was their relationship Less Than because they didn’t rush into each other’s arms after ten hours apart?

It was soon time for their soundcheck, which went about as well as could be expected. They were lucky in that the technicians working seemed to be perfectly competent and professional, so things moved pretty smoothly. Kyo wasn’t enthusiastic about running through anything, and Die could tell he was holding back for the actual performance, but in the end they got their levels set, and moved off the stage so the next group could come up.

Die still hadn’t shaken his discomfort from his argument with Shinya. He wanted to apologize but he couldn’t even stand to bring it back up. Part of him wanted to tell Kyo about it, be reassured that he was worked up over nothing—but another part of him whispered that Kyo might not reassure him at all. Maybe Kyo _did_ want to keep their relationship a secret, because he was ashamed, or maybe didn’t think it was serious enough to bother telling anyone about. It was still new, but to Die, it was obviously important enough to share. He could understand wanting to keep their private life private, but was it always going to be this way between them when other people were around?

As they got back to the dressing room, Kyo dropped into a chair and leaned his head back, seeming like he’d definitely rather be asleep than do a show in a matter of hours.

Die sat unobtrusively beside him. “How’re you feeling?”

Kyo shrugged. “Tryin’ not to be psyched out for the live.”

“Have you had some breakfast?” Die asked, aware he was being motherly and not really caring. “You’ll need your energy up…”

“Nah,” Kyo said. He raked both hands through his pink hair. “Don’t really like eating before I have to get onstage. It makes my stomach all messed up. Thanks, though.”

“Okay,” Die said. He didn’t feel like it was _that_ okay, but he didn’t want to be pushy either. “Let me know if you change your mind and I’ll hunt something down for you.”

Finally Kyo looked fully at him, half his mouth quirked up. “You’re sweet. But I’ll be fine.”

Shinya was sitting across the room, not speaking to Die, but it was hard to tell whether he was Not Speaking to him, or if he just happened to not be at the moment. Die was still taking it personally, whatever the truth of the situation was. Once again he thought he ought to go over and apologize for snapping at him before they had to perform together, but he didn’t want to interrupt his pre-show rituals.

They had quite a long time before they had to actually be onstage, so Die went with Toshiya to a nearby conbini, and they took their time moseying back to the venue.

“If this gig goes well, we could get invited to play for their Battle of the Bands in May,” Toshiya told him. “It’s a way bigger scale thing, but man, it’d be awesome to get up in front of so many people.”

“Yeah, that’d be great,” Die agreed. “Wonder how Kaoru would feel about all the extra rehearsal that would entail.”

He regretted it as soon as he’d said it. Maybe it was too soon to bring up Kaoru when Toshiya was still trying to get over him.

But Toshiya just smiled a bit sadly. “Ah, you know he’d love it.” He looked down at the ground as they walked. “I know he acts like the band is totally secondary to the store and everything, but I can tell… When he’s playing with us, he lets so much more of himself show, the _real_ him.” He shrugged, trying to downplay it, but Die knew that was the side of Kaoru Toshiya had fallen for, and that days like this, away from work and only focused on the band and the music, had to be the hardest for Toshiya when trying to work past his feelings.

“I can see that,” Die said. “He’s a total rockstar at heart.”

Toshiya laughed. “I’m kinda interested to see him in front of a crowd. Maybe it’ll go to his head.”

Prior to that, Die hadn’t thought much about the live being their first time seeing each other in full performance mode. He wondered what the energy would be like with an audience, rather than just in their homey rehearsal space. Maybe they’d completely crash and burn under the pressure.

Die’s attention was called back to the present as Toshiya nudged him lightly with his elbow. “How’s it going with Kyo?”

“Good!” Die said honestly. Then, “He’s… I want—I don’t know.”

Toshiya looked at him in concern. “That’s not exactly the answer I expected. What’s the ‘I don’t know’ about?”

Die struggled to put his feelings into words. “I… care about him. And sometimes, I really think he cares about me, too, and I love the time we spend together, but… I want to be _closer_ , for him to let me in, and I don’t… I guess he’s not ready for that?”

“Closer… physically?”

Die shook his head. “Just closer. I want to take care of him, but I don’t want him to feel like I’m taking things too fast or like I won’t give him space.” He twisted up the handle of his plastic bag from the conbini and let it unwind. “I told him I love him.”

“Oh!” Toshiya looked up from the spinning bag at Die’s face. “As in you said those words? How did he respond?”

Die hadn’t spent a great deal of time dwelling on Kyo’s response—or lack thereof. He didn’t really expect Kyo to return his feelings to such a degree so early into whatever they had going on, but it still felt sort of like being dropped from a trapeze act without a net to catch him, confessing and not hearing the same words in return.

After a moment of silence from Die, Toshiya prompted, “He… didn’t take it well?” 

“Not really,” Die said. “I mean, he didn’t take it badly. He just didn’t say it back or anything. Not that I think he should have. I didn’t even mean to say it in the first place.”

“Oh, wow,” Toshiya said. “You _accidentally_ told him you love him? That must’ve been awkward.”

“It could have been, but somehow it wasn’t,” Die said. “A lot of things with Kyo are less awkward than they could be.”

“Huh,” Toshiya said. “I would’ve thought the opposite.”

Die could see how one would think that. 

They’d finally gotten back to the venue, but Die hovered outside, not sure he was ready to go in and face everything again already. Toshiya stayed hovering alongside him. 

“How do you feel about the live today?” Toshiya asked, looking idly up at the sky, the clouds gathering there. “Gonna rock it?”

“Of course,” Die answered easily. “Seems like an area of my life I actually have some control over.”

“Your part of it, at least,” Toshiya said. “If I’m honest, I’m kinda worried—but if you’re not, then maybe I don’t need to be.”

“Worried—about me?” Die was confused, but then he realized, “About Kyo.”

“I guess I haven’t forgotten about that one rehearsal,” Toshiya said sheepishly. “It was scary, and if he does that for real, onstage, it’s not like Kaoru can call for a smoke break so we can make sure he calms down. But you don’t think he’ll lose himself like that?”

“I don’t _think_ so,” Die said. But how could he really be sure? “I mean… he seemed like he was okay this morning, right?”

“I don’t know him as well as you do,” Toshiya said. “When we were walking over here, he was fine. He was laughing and whatever, about random shit. It was normal. I was gonna ask him something about you, but I didn’t wanna make it weird.”

“Something like what?” Die wondered.

“Just, I don’t know, same stuff I ask you. How it’s going, if you’re making him happy. But I don’t feel like I’m at that level with him, so I didn’t ask.”

“Hmm. I wonder what he would’ve said.” Most of the time, Kyo seemed to be a pretty open and outspoken person, so maybe he would have just answered Toshiya’s questions without much thought, but it was also possible that he’d see it as personal and shut it down, if he and Toshiya weren’t already close. Die would have liked to know Kyo’s thoughts on the subject though.

“You don’t think you know what he’d say?”

“Honestly? I have absolutely no idea.”

That was the whole problem with Kyo, if there was one. Die didn’t know how he saw things at all; he couldn’t get a good read on his feelings about pretty much any topic, and yet he was too intimidated to ask him directly, too afraid that whatever question he asked would be the wrong one.

A hand landed heavily on Die’s shoulder, and Toshiya gave him a sympathetic pat. There wasn’t much he could really say, and after another minute or two of hovering they went inside.

Almost immediately they ran into Shinya, pacing the hallway with his hair styled, though he hadn’t changed into his full concert attire yet. He looked mildly exasperated, and spoke to them with a barely-contained sigh in his voice. “What _took_ you guys so long? I’ve been trying to manage everything on my own, and you’d better have brought the tea I asked for.”

Die and Toshiya exchanged a look. “Manage everything?” Die asked warily. “Why, what’s going on?”

Shinya held out his hand, not speaking until the tea from the conbini was placed firmly in his palm. “Kaoru is in an absolute state,” he said finally. “He’s upset about something the techs did, or didn’t do, mutter mutter monitors, etc—I couldn’t really follow what his issue was, because I’m not convinced it actually _exists_ , but he’s been stalking around complaining virtually non-stop since you guys left, and between him and Kyo, I’m _done_.”

Toshiya cringed. “Yikes. I wonder why he’s so worked up. Everything was fine during our soundcheck! He even mentioned to me how pleased he was with the professionalism of the technicians…”

“What’s Kyo been doing?” Die couldn’t help but feel responsible for him.

Shinya shook his head, took a long drink of his tea. “He’s just weirding me out. I don’t know _what_ he’s doing with his makeup but it’s making me pretty uncomfortable.”

Die rubbed at his forehead. “I don’t know if I wanna know.”

“Yeah, right,” Toshiya said. “You’ll probably like it.”

Shinya shuddered. “Just someone else needs to take a crack at calming Kaoru down. I don’t have the nerves for it.”

If Shinya had lost his patience, Die thought it must be a pretty dire situation. He went purposefully into the dressing room, prepared to speak to Kaoru, but couldn’t find him for several seconds.

Then all at once he realized he was there sitting in front of a mirror, speaking in a mellow tone to the person styling his hair—

Who, Die registered after a few _more_ seconds, was Kyo, with such dramatic makeup on that he was almost unrecognizable.

“So, you’re thinking just eyes, something more defined?” Kyo said to Kaoru as he combed his hair back from his face.

“Hmm, maybe lips, too?” Kaoru said thoughtfully. “I just know if I do it myself I’ll fuck it up, so I’m always too afraid to even try…”

“It’s just paint and powder,” Kyo said. “Not like it’s anything permanent. You shouldn’t be afraid to take risks with makeup.”

“I wasn’t aware you knew so much about it,” Kaoru said.

“It’s sort of a hobby of mine,” Kyo said with one of his half-smiles. It was rendered unsettling by his uneven lipstick and white contact lenses, but there was something charming about it nonetheless.

Die watched the scene before him a while longer before turning to Toshiya and Shinya who had followed him into the dressing room and were staring, transfixed, as he was. Not wanting to disrupt the heartwarming intimacy, the three of them backed quietly out of the room again.

“Okay, what was that?” Toshiya was still looking towards the dressing room door as if he could still see the bizarrely blossoming friendship through it.

“Kaoru… getting makeup tips from Kyo?” Shinya said uncertainly.

That was kind of the least shocking aspect of it for Die. He’d known that Kaoru was interested but not confident in experimenting with makeup, and with Kyo’s knowledge about fashion, fun with other types of styling weren’t far removed. It was stranger to him just to see them talking so calmly and pleasantly to each other after what Shinya had described.

“So,” Die said, “It’s fine now. Kaoru and Kyo and all of it.”

“Maybe Kaoru was just lashing out because he was nervous,” Toshiya said doubtfully.

Shinya threw his hands up. “I already told you I was done.”

“Do you think Kyo’d do my hair too, when he’s finished?”

Die was too distracted by his thoughts to contribute much more to the conversation. Kyo had looked so soft, and maybe he’d gotten kind of used to that from him when it was the two of them together, but seeing him like that with Kaoru made his heart tie itself into knots.

It wasn’t jealousy, he was pretty sure. On the contrary, it made him happy to see Kyo that way, caring about someone else, coming out of his carefully constructed cave to show another human being some compassion. He didn’t ever _doubt_ that Kyo was a kind person, but it was still nice and sort of refreshing to see that kindness demonstrated.

Furthermore, he was intrigued by the fact that Kyo had apparently been more helpful and placatory in that moment than _Shinya_ of all people. Kaoru had responded perhaps to some feral animalistic soul within Kyo and been lulled by this simple act of social grooming…

Die shook his head to snap himself out of his reverie and went along with Shinya and Toshiya to find someplace they could sit and eat their conbini food in relative peace.

 

By the time they returned to the dressing room, Kyo had finished his work on Kaoru and gone back to drawing on himself, adding detail to his own eyelids, still with an air of vague disinterest in the world around him.

Die came to sit beside Kyo just as Kaoru was ducking out for a smoke. He was careful not to startle him and mess up his work, and jerked his thumb towards the door. “Like what you did with Kaoru.”

Kyo grunted in acknowledgment, one eye still closed as he shaded it.

“You do that kind of stuff a lot? To go with your other designs?”

“On occasion. Mostly for fun. I’d be more into it if I was really getting into artistic direction of photoshoots and that kind of thing. It’s a cool medium, though. And Kaoru honestly has such great bone structure, it’s fun to put makeup on him.”

“He should come to the store like that sometime.”

A snort, then, “That’s what I told him, too.”

Die grinned. “But he should save it for the next time the higher-ups are making rounds, just to see if he can actually scare one of them into an early grave.”

“I think if he really wanted to do that, he could just schedule me to work that day,” Kyo said drily. 

It brought the smallest of frowns to Die’s face. “It doesn’t bother you, right? That he had you off during the safety audit.”

Kyo lifted and dropped one shoulder. “No. Why would it? I don’t give a shit when he does or doesn’t want me to work.”

“I didn’t know if you might take it as some kinda personal thing.”

“It is some kinda personal thing,” Kyo stated. “Doesn’t mean it bothers me. He thinks I’d do something to piss off people who already aren’t his biggest fans—He’s probably right. I get it.”

“Bet they’d hate the band, too,” Die mused.

“I can only imagine.” Kyo opened his eye, blinked a few times, and turned his attention to the other side, quickly beginning on a very asymmetrical design.

“You know, Toshiya wants you to fix his hair next.”

“Hm.” Kyo opened both eyes wide and then relaxed them. “How much time do we have before we go on?”

Die checked his phone. “Almost two hours.” Time was dragging.

“All right,” Kyo said. “Tell him I’m ready for him.”

Die wasn’t actually sure whether Toshiya had been joking when he’d said that, and he hadn’t expected Kyo to be so agreeable, so he was a little agitated as he slipped out into the hall in search of Toshiya.

He was less than surprised to discover him outside, enjoying the not-so-fresh air as Kaoru smoked beside him. Die didn’t want to interrupt, especially if it might be a nice, special sort of occasion for him. 

But then Kaoru was frowning as he finished his cigarette, and excused himself, heading back in to get dressed, and Toshiya turned to Die, seeming curious.

“I’m sorry,” Die said. “I didn’t mean to walk right into the middle of something…”

“No, you’re fine,” Toshiya said, shaking his head. “He was just being kind of weird even before you came out, like he wasn’t really saying anything, but then he would look at me like I was gonna answer some question he hadn’t asked. He doesn’t—” Toshiya paused, glanced at Die and away. “You didn’t mention to him, something about…?”

“What! No,” Die said at once. “Why, did he say something?”

“No, no.” Toshiya kept his gaze on the pavement at his feet. “Like I said, he _wasn’t_ saying anything, I just felt weird. But maybe it’s just my own weird feelings.”

“Sorry,” Die said again.

“You needed something, though?”

“Um, not—I just came to find you in case you really wanted Kyo to do your hair,” Die said, rubbing at the back of his neck. “He’s onboard. If you want. Maybe you weren’t serious.”

“He offered?” Toshiya was clearly surprised.

“He said he was ready,” Die said.

“Huh.” Toshiya ran a hand through his hair absently. “I’m starting to think there really is a lot more to Kyo than I got at first.”

“I think that’s normal,” Die said. “And you were the one always telling me I should give him more of a chance when you first met him, remember?”

“Sure, he was kinda funny, and he helps the other cashiers at work and everything, but… I dunno. I didn’t know there were so many things he actually seems to _like_ doing?”

“You should see him when he starts talking about Star Wars.”

Toshiya’s eyebrows shot up. “No, what? He’s a _nerd_?”

Die smiled fondly at the thought of Kyo’s distracted muttering about lightsaber colors. “A huge one.”

“I haven’t even seen the newest movie,” Toshiya said. “Should I be careful not to mention that to him?”

“I haven’t seen most of them,” Die admitted. “He’s not gatekeep-y about it from what I can tell. He was just stoked to watch them with me. We’re supposed to be working our way through the whole series, I guess.”

“That’s kind of cute, actually.”

“I really agree,” Die said, a sigh in his heart. He couldn’t recall ever before having been so smitten with someone that a sci-fi obsession only endeared them to him more.

Toshiya started for the door to take them back inside. “Guess he doesn’t really need to do _your_ hair though, does he? How do you get it to do that?”

“Uh, which part?” Die said, following after him. “I spend kind of a lot of time on it myself.”

“Whatever you’re doing clearly works,” Toshiya said. “You’ve got this whole majestic flow thing going. We’re all very envious.”

“Who’s we?”

They were almost back to the dressing room when they came upon a few guys from some of the other bands loitering in the hall, and bowed in greeting.

“Which group are you guys from?” One of them asked, all dyed blonde hair and aviator sunglasses.

The man to his left nudged him. “They’re the ones with the tiny vocalist, remember? Looks like he came straight from junior high.” He looked seriously at Die and Toshiya. “Did he get permission from Mommy and Daddy to be here?”

His friends snickered, and Die felt the invisible manga bubble of rage popping on his head.

“C’mon, Die, not worth our time,” Toshiya muttered, tugging on his arm.

There were a number of things Die wanted to tell them—how Kyo was more of a man than any of them could hope to be, how they’d be eating their words when they heard him sing—but he just clenched and relaxed his fists and contented himself with the knowledge that Kyo’s performance would probably give them nightmares if they bothered to watch it later.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This whole bit just got split into two chapters so it would be a little less unwieldy, but that's why I'm posting them together, so you can read them at your leisure.) Enjoy~

Shinya and Kyo were talking when Toshiya and Die came into the dressing room, presumably about whatever Shinya was looking at on his phone.

“Is that something you’d ever be interested in?” Kyo was saying. “I think you’d be really good at it.”

“I feel like that’s meant to be an insult,” Shinya said. He laid his phone face-down on the counter in front of him.

Kyo looked genuinely bewildered. “Why would that be an insult?”

“How is he insulting you now, Shinya?” Toshiya asked. “Not that he should stop; maybe I’ll want to join in.” He grinned as he took a seat in front of the mirror so Kyo could start working on his hair.

“He thinks I should go to university and become an elementary school teacher,” Shinya said, apparently not in love with the idea himself.

Die was surprised. It wasn’t something Shinya had ever mentioned an interest in, but then again, he could see why Kyo would think it might be up Shinya’s alley. “How did this come up?”

“Forget it,” Kyo said. “If he’s not interested, it doesn’t really matter much, does it? I just thought he might have aspirations beyond retail one day.”

A glance around told Die that Kaoru was still out of the room, or they probably wouldn’t have been having this discussion. That must have been it, then; a tangent from Kyo’s pursuits outside the store.

Aspirations beyond retail… It made sense for Kyo to think of it like that, Die supposed. Certainly that wasn’t how everyone wanted to spend their working years, but Die had rarely thought of an alternative for himself. He liked to toy with the fantasy of becoming a rock star and leaving his day job behind, but realistically he didn’t know what else he could do for a living. It wasn’t like he was going to suddenly turn things around and land a gig as a salaryman, carrying a briefcase and wearing a suit. What were his options? He could probably be a bartender if he wanted to commit to working evenings, but he’d never spent much time dwelling on it. Maybe he should have.

The first band went out onstage, then the second, and Kaoru returned to the dressing room to update them all on how things were going as they finished getting changed and ready.

“There have already been _two_ separate mic issues that I saw,” Kaoru told them. “Whoever’s working sound must be ashamed. Kyo, be prepared for the worst.”

“Sure,” Kyo said, though it was clear he wasn’t really listening. He’d finished Toshiya’s styling long ago, and was busy lazily painting his fingernails black.

Everyone was pretty much past a point of questioning Kyo about anything he was wearing or working on appearance-wise. He wasn’t likely to change it based on their criticism anyway, so no one commented on the fact that he was almost getting more nail polish on his fingers than on the actual nails.

Despite how they’d been waiting all day, the warning from staff for them to get into places backstage felt sudden and too soon. Die hadn’t been nervous the past eight hours, but all at once his stomach was in knots and he was grateful that what he’d had from the conbini hadn’t been terribly recent.

He tried not to think about the size of the audience as they gathered backstage and waited for their cue to go on. It wasn’t that big of a venue, and he knew essentially no one out there was there to see _them_ specifically. It was just going to be a bit of fun and a chance for them to get seen. Their music was going to be heard, and _that_ thought actually calmed him more than it made him nervous. Die was proud of the music they made as a group, was excited for people to hear it, for people to see how well they performed together. That mindset made it much easier to walk out there.

He stood on the far side of the stage, grinned at the audience like they were four hundred of his oldest friends, and for a moment he even managed to forget that Kyo was a part of the band, and that every insane thing he did took Die’s breath away.

It didn’t last, as Kyo came darting onto the stage like a wild animal, thrashing around to the guitar intro of their first song with a kind of electrified energy that Die had never really seen before. It got a great response from the audience, and that momentum carried them through their whole set.

Die still found himself holding his breath when they got to the roughest (emotionally) section of their brief concert, wondering how Kyo was going to handle it, whether he could manage it physically unscathed, but to his relief, Kyo took that opportunity to connect even more directly with the audience, raising his arms in appeal for louder screams, speaking to them in asultry growl that had them wilder than before.

For the majority of the set, Kyo didn’t address the crowd at all; there was no playful banter or respectful introduction of the members or the songs. He didn’t want to talk to people, and Kaoru hadn’t insisted that he do so. That only meant his sort of antagonizing prompts for more and louder energy from the audience felt like precious contact, something the crowd devoured hungrily, and by the end of their thirty minutes, it was obvious that no one wanted them to leave the stage.

It was still the fact of the matter that they had to make their exit and let the following act on to do their set. Even Kyo was smiling at the audience as they finished, pointing at individuals and waving before he practically skipped offstage, and Die’s heart did some kind of awkward tumble at the display of happiness.

He’d never seen Kyo in front of an audience before—not that he’d seen any of them in front of an audience, but in all honesty he wasn’t paying a ton of attention to how the rest of the members were acting up there. He’d known that Kyo had said he liked performing, but he hadn’t expected that kind of _radiance_ from him.

Die was the last one to leave the stage, after speaking into Kyo’s mic to thank the crowd one last time, and when he got to the dressing room, Kyo had already excused himself to rinse off in the locker room.

Kaoru was grinning as he clapped Die on the back. “That was a terrific first live,” he said. “There’s always room for improvement, but I’m astounded by how well it went. Drinks are on me tonight.”

Memories of the songs themselves were already fading, leaving Die with only the buzzing feeling of having just performed. “You’re not worried about how we’ll show up to work tomorrow?” he asked teasingly.

“I’m the only one of us who has to open tomorrow,” Kaoru said. “You’re welcome.”

Die laughed and was tempted briefly to give Kaoru a hug before he stopped himself, deciding that might not be appropriate for their current relationship.

From there, Kaoru went with the others to watch the next band from the wings. They invited Die to join them, but he opted to stay behind and see how Kyo was faring.

Gathering up a few things so he could wash up himself, Die wandered down the hall until he reached the small locker room and followed the soft sound of running water to where Kyo was currently mid-shower, eyes closed and head tipped back, looking like Die had just accidentally stumbled onto a damn porn set.

Really, Die didn’t mean to stare, but it was never something he seemed able to help when it came to Kyo, and there was no one else around to call him out on it at least.

Water ran down Kyo’s bare, muscular chest in enticing rivulets and Die tracked the paths as much as he could, down over Kyo’s abdomen, and lower—

“Just here for the show, or were you actually gonna shower?”

Die hurriedly brought his eyes back up to Kyo’s face and found him smirking knowingly. “I, um. Sorry.”

“I wasn’t complaining,” Kyo said with a shrug.

Die still wasn’t sure if it would be better for him to wait until Kyo was finished, and he spent another few seconds hovering until Kyo spoke again, firmly:

“Come join me.”

That was clear enough, and Die got his own clothes off in record time before rushing into the shower so quickly he nearly lost his footing and wiped out on the wet tile floor.

Kyo was still eyeing him doubtfully when he finally made it under the spray. “Please don’t get yourself killed trying to get to me. I’d feel responsible.”

“But maybe I’d come back as a ghost,” Die pointed out. “Wouldn’t you love that?”

“Your skinny naked ass haunting me for all time ‘cause you cracked your head running to me in the shower? Not exactly the paranormal encounter I’m hoping for.”

Die frowned, looking behind himself. “You don’t like my ass?”

A chuckle accompanied the tattooed hand cupping Die’s rear end and squeezing. “I more than like it. But it’s better as flesh and blood than I think it’d be in ghost form.”

It occurred to Die as he looked back at Kyo that they had never showered together, and suddenly the expanses of bare skin for him to admire and touch felt sort of overwhelming. His gaze roamed down Kyo’s body, focusing on the blatant erection jutting proudly from between his legs.

“You’re hard,” he said, because he was so observant.

“Mm.” Kyo rocked his hips, letting his cock just brush against Die’s thigh. “Dunno if I mentioned it before, but getting up in front of an audience gets me kinda worked up.” His hand wandered up Die’s back, his touch light and tickling. “The adrenaline, and all those eyes on me…”

Oh. Die let out a shaky breath. Kyo liked to be watched. That was… good information to have.

“Did you want to… help me out?” Kyo said, his voice low and close to Die’s ear.

There was basically nothing Die wanted more, and in an instant he had his hand wrapped tight around Kyo’s thick cock, jerking him off like his life depended on it.

Kyo held onto him with both hands, his quiet groan bouncing off the shower walls as his head tipped back and his mouth fell open. His makeup was rinsed off his face, leaving it bare and open and possibly the most beautiful thing Die had ever seen. This was such a different version of Kyo from what he presented to an audience.

The thought had Die’s cock throbbing. No one else got to see Kyo like this, naked and vulnerable and lost in ecstasy. All those people were still filling the venue, watching some other band, completely unaware of what he and Kyo were doing in the shower just down the hall.

The locker room shower, where anyone could easily walk in and find them like this.

Die dropped his forehead to rest against Kyo’s shoulder with a little moan. He thumbed the head of Kyo’s dick, smearing around precum that was quickly washed away by the constant stream of water from the shower. He adjusted his stance, so he could rub his own cock against Kyo’s hip, his eyes locked on what he was doing.

Kyo didn’t mind him looking, Die thought. He _liked_ all those eyes on him, had been aroused by the attention earlier. Before he could stop himself Die was speaking aloud, “You want all those people from the audience to see you now? They’re all still out there, you know.”

There was a gasp, and Kyo lifted his head, but didn’t answer.

“Bet they’d love to see you like this,” Die continued, hand stoking slower for the moment, his grip firm. “Cock all hard and leaking, fucking right into my hand. You’d probably love it, too. Being watched.”

Kyo’s hips jerked and he whimpered, his nails digging into Die’s skin where he held onto him.

“They’d all just be staring, entranced, like I am,” Die said, moving his own hips faster against Kyo’s body, slick with water and precum. “Some would probably start screaming, begging to see you cum, desperate to see the mess you’d make.”

“ _Die_ ,” Kyo said, squirming. There was strain in his voice and it was obvious he was getting close to a breaking point.

Die sped up his strokes. “You’d like that, huh? That many people losing their damn minds ‘cause they wanna fuck you so bad, all of them watching, wishing _they_ were the one making you cum?”

With a strangled, almost pained sound, Kyo thrust into Die’s hand a couple more times and came between them. The sight just spurred Die on more, and he grabbed Kyo by the hips so he could better rut against him.

“ _Fuck_ , Kyo, _I_ want to fuck you,” Die growled against Kyo’s neck. “Think about it all the time, always just want you so bad.”

Kyo cursed under his breath, and then he was kissing Die’s neck, his shoulder, more teeth and tongue than lips and care. “I want that, too, fuck,” he mumbled. “Could get hard again just thinking about it.

Die moaned, the sound of Kyo’s post-concert voice, rough and dirty, causing him to lose his rhythm, and in another minute he was cumming, sweet relief flooding his body as ropes of his cum spattered over Kyo’s abs and hip.

They stood holding each other under the spray of the utterly forgotten shower for another few minutes before Kyo tilted Die’s face to the proper angle to kiss him sweet and slow and bring him back to himself.

“Mmm.” Die just pulled Kyo closer, nuzzled his face. “God, you make me feel so good. I love... how you make me feel.”

“Same to you,” Kyo said, and Die could hear the smile in his voice though he was too close to see it on his face. “But we’d probably better dry off and go meet up with everyone.”

That was the worst idea Kyo had had all day, as far as Die was concerned. “Wanna stay like this.”

“We’re getting pruny,” Kyo said. “It’s not a very cool look for right after our first rock show.”

“But you’re naked,” Die argued. “That’s a pretty good fucking look.”

Kyo snorted and shoved him. “Take a picture then.”

Die’s heart skipped a beat. “Shit, can I?”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Kyo laughed. He turned a knob on the wall and got out from under the stream just before it turned icy cold and Die yelped, jumping away as well.

“That wasn’t very nice,” Die said. He turned the water fully off before following a still-laughing Kyo out of the showers to where their towels and clothing lay waiting on awooden bench by the rows of lockers.

Kyo didn’t say anything as he went about drying off and getting dressed. The quiet after what they’d just been doing made Die feel strangely off-balance, like he’d imagined it, and he looked over at Kyo several times, maybe just to be sure that he was really there.

He was just getting his tank top back on—not bothering with the hooded vest over it all, when he thought to bring up what he’d been talking about with Shinya in the car: if Kyo was really planning on leaving the store, why hadn’t he ever mentioned such a thing to Die?

Before the specific wording for his question could formulate enough to leave Die’s mouth, the door was opening and a whole group of guys from one of the other bands was coming in together, laughing and talking loudly. Die kept his thoughts to himself and he and Kyo finished dressing quickly so they could get out of there.

Die managed not to try to hold Kyo’d hand as they walked down the hall back to their dressing room, but he felt needy for contact and wasn’t sure how to address that when surely Kyo would just blithely remind him that they’d just had plenty of contact.

“You know,” Kyo said abruptly as he looked in the mirror, ruffling his wet hair, “you really missed some quality entertainment when you and Toshiya were gone earlier. Kaoru was cracking me up.”

“Yeah? You mean when he was upset about the tech?”

“Did Shinya tell you about it? He was getting himself so worked up over nothing.” Kyo smiled as if fondly remembering a tree he climbed in his childhood. “There was one part where he was pacing back and forth going, ‘Do they even _have_ someone working lights?’ and man, I really wished you were here.”

Die raised his eyebrows, not following that line of thought. “Me?”

“Yeah! Shinya was fussing over him so much, and I thought you would have been more like me, gotten a kick out of the whole thing.”

Die wasn’t sure how to take that. Laughing at Kaoru’s concern seemed a little mean-spirited. Was that how Kyo saw him? “I don’t know if I’d have found it that amusing…”

“I don’t mean it in an asshole way,” Kyo said. “I just mean you wouldn’t have taken it so seriously. There was no real issue, just Kao being dramatic, so it was funny.” Kyo rubbed at his nose. “I did take pity on him though, when I saw him snap at an innocent staff member. Didn’t want him to embarrass himself.”

“So that’s why you did his makeup?”

“I just brought it up to distract him,” Kyo said. “Honestly, I didn’t expect him to get so into it. He looked good though, eh?”

Die didn’t say, “ _Not as good as you_ ,” but boy, he sure thought it. At some point he would have to have a conversation with Kyo to find out how he really felt about cheesy declarations like that, because much as Die didn’t want to _annoy_ Kyo, he didn’t think he could always keep that stuff from coming out.

They went to meet up with the rest of the band, where they’d moved to the back of the venue, near the bar to watch the current act, and Toshiya gave them a not-so-subtle look, eyebrows waggling and everything.

“There you are,” Kaoru said, oblivious to Toshiya’s implications. “Die, you missed this great solo—I want to make sure we ask that guitarist about his equipment…”

Die nodded vaguely, and they watched the last two groups’ sets with little commentary. Kyo stood beside Die, close enough to press his shoulder against Die’s arm, and Die appreciated the small gesture, even if he’d have preferred to wrap his arm around Kyo’s waist possessively.

They slipped out, back to the dressing room just as the final band announced their last song, so as not to get pushed and shoved in the exiting masses, and the topic of conversation naturally became plans for the night’s celebrations. Kaoru had already offered to pay for drinks and no one was going to turn him down—except Kyo.

“ _What_? You’re joking, right?” Toshiya said, although Die doubted anyone actually thought Kyo was kidding about not going out with them.

“I’m not gonna drink,” Kyo said with a shrug. “And really I’m tired. I’d rather just go home, eat, and sleep.”

“Come out, eat, and _then_ go home and sleep,” Toshiya suggested.

“I appreciate the invitation.”

“It’s one thing to skip a celebration for a fucking safety audit,” Toshiya said, “but this is our first real gig together! Kaoru is _paying_!”

“I would never want you to feel obligated,” Kaoru said seriously, “but it would be nice to have the whole band together.”

Kyo smiled. “And we’ll all be together again at the store tomorrow.”

Die had never really expected Kyo to join them anyway, so he didn’t bother contributing to the argument, despite his wish that he could spend the whole night with Kyo close enough to touch.

“Will you let me drive you home then?” Die said instead. “Then I can meet up with everyone after dropping my car back at my place.”

It was obvious that Kyo was going to refuse—but all at once, his face softened and he nodded. “Thanks. I really am tired.”

They took off pretty quickly from there, leaving the others behind to retrieve their equipment, so Kaoru could talk to technicians and members from other bands as much as he wanted. Toshiya agreed to text Die and let him know exactly where they were going after.

The air outside the venue was cold and the night eerily quiet, even though it wasn’t all that late yet. Walking to his car with Kyo beside him was starting to feel normal to Die though, and there was excitement in the knowledge that once they were tucked safely inside, there would be nothing stopping Die from touching him.

Sure enough, Die’s hand was comfortable on Kyo’s thigh the instant he had his seatbelt on, without him even having to think about it. But then to Die’s surprise, Kyo’s hand was resting on top of his own.

Swallowing against the hearts trying to cascade out of his mouth, Die said, “You really were amazing tonight.”

Kyo cocked his head as he looked at him. “Onstage or off?”

“Both,” Die admitted. “You always are. But I meant the live.”

“You weren’t so bad yourself,” Kyo said. “You really know how to work the audience.”

“You, too,” Die said. “I was kinda thrown by how you were making them scream like that. But I was glad you—you seemed to be enjoying yourself.”

“Oh, I definitely was,” Kyo said. He squeezed Die’s hand.

“I’ve never seen you like that,” Die said, keeping his eyes on the road ahead. “So active, jumping and smiling and waving like you were at the end.”

“You make it sound like I’m normally a stagnant lump.”

“You know what you’re normally like,” Die said. “And I like the normal you. But I also really liked seeing you happy and excited. It kinda turned me on.” He shrugged one shoulder, hoping to downplay that last confession, but it didn’t completely work.

“Oh?” Kyo’s tone was too dangerous for Die to look fully at him. “Is that why you came and found me in the shower?”

“That’s not— _why_ ,” Die said and swallowed. “I just—I wanted to find you.”

“Just wanted to _find_ me, not just wanted to _fuck_ me?”

Die’s grip tightened on Kyo’s thigh and he forced out a sound that he hoped was a laugh. “Well, I—not _just_.”

Kyo chuckled. “You’re insatiable, aren’t you?”

“Can you blame me?”

They were nearing Kyo’s apartment, and Die let his hand creep farther up Kyo’s thigh, like he couldn’t even help himself.

Kyo’s mouth was on his as soon as the car was in park, and Die didn’t hesitate to respond, puling at Kyo, teeth dragging on his lower lip. His tongue slid over the lip ring on the side there, and Kyo made a soft noise, opening up to let Die lick into his mouth.

Die could get used to this: ravenous, grope-heavy make out sessions, perhaps multiple times a day, with this absolutely unbelievable man, this man he was so in love with that it hurt. He tried to coax Kyo over the center console and into his lap, but it caused Kyo to finally pull back, breathless, eyes shining.

“I’m not inviting you up,” he said firmly.

Die’s mouth slanted sideways, but he didn’t ask why.

Kyo told him anyway, “I really am tired.” He chewed his lip and released it. “And I’m out of lube.”

Die’s heart stopped beating and he coughed until his lungs remembered how to take in air.

“So we’ll just have to save that for another time,” Kyo said, patting Die’s shoulder soothingly. “Besides, the rest of the band’s waiting for you.”

_The rest of the wha?_ Die’s cock said unhelpfully, still stuck on the idea of thrusting into Kyo’s sweet little ass.

A soft kiss on the corner of his mouth brought Die’s brain slowly back online.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kyo said. He cupped Die’s cheek like he was something precious, and Die nodded because he wanted to be that precious thing for Kyo.

Die’s phone vibrated with a new text from Toshiya, and Die said goodnight and watched Kyo go up to his building before he even checked what it said. Whenever Kyo left, it felt like he took a part of Die’s heart with him, but like he left something else with Die in its place; an itching inside his ribcage, a yearning, to return, to hold, to keep. It scared Die more than he could describe, and yet he could never wait to get more.

With a sigh, he checked his phone and shot a text back to Toshiya to tell him his ETA.


	26. Chapter 26

“Thanks so much, have a great day,” Die said as he handed another guest her purchase.

His customer service smile slid off his face and he checked the time, finding that unfortunately fewer than ten minutes had passed since he’d last looked. This had to be the slowest fucking shift of all time.

Of course it hadn’t helped that he’d been slightly hungover when he’d started. It wasn’t as bad now that he was halfway through the work day, but he still would have liked very much to lie down on the floor and not get up for forty-eight hours.

Mostly though, it was just weird being back at the store after the events of the day before, that brief time when he’d been a rock star, when his time had been whiled away in dressing rooms alongside some of his very favorite people. He kept waiting for someone to mention it, to come by and recognize him as that sexy guitarist from the Rockfest, but obviously, that didn’t happen.

It seemed wrong that their glory should go unnoticed and unappreciated, even though he knew it would probably be dangerous for their job security if word of their exploits traveled too far. He wanted to tell every passerby how it had been, how the audience had screamed for them, how sure they were to get more gigs, but instead he kept his mouth shut and did his job just like always.

He thought the others, working up at the front, had to be having a better time of it than he was, since at least they had each other. For once Kaoru wasn’t dragging Die up to Guest Services to help out, so he’d barely even seen the rest of the band. Kyo had promised to see him at work, but there just hadn’t been time for more than a quick greeting in passing, and the loneliness was hitting Die hard.

The truth was, even the previous night’s celebration with the rest of the band—sans Kyo—had been difficult for Die. He’d been wholly distracted from the good times around him, hardly even remembering to drink his beer.

“Everything okay?” Toshiya had asked him, his own face rosy with how much he’d already been drinking. He leaned an elbow on the tabletop. “’s about Kyo-chan?”

Die snorted, amused mostly by the thought of what Kyo would do to Toshiya if he ever heard him using that endearment. “Yes and no,” he said in response to the question. On the one hand, he’d never thought Kyo would be into such an outing and hadn’t had any hopes that he’d join them, but at the same time, the knowledge that Kyo was home alone and that Die wasn’t with him, when every part of his brain and body was howling with the need to be _close_ , was an utter injustice. He wanted to celebrate with Kyo, in their own way, together.

“I guess you knew what you were gettin’ into there, huh?” Toshiya said. “Self-proclaimed hermit or whatever he is.”

“Right.” Die wasn’t about to go into detail about how difficult Kyo always made it to leave him at the end of the night, so he redirected. “At least Kaoru’s here this time, though.”

Toshiya made some noises he might have been embarrassed by had he been more sober, and flailed a hand. “Not like he’s here with _me_. But I guess, yeah, it’s nice to be out with him like this, see him unwind.”

Die had actually seen Kaoru more unwound in the past—as Designated Driver, he wasn’t getting quite as _relaxed_ as he could have been—but Toshiya hadn’t known him as long, and from his experience, Die was sure seeing this side of Kaoru was something special.

“Oh, I want to be there when you see him drunk for the first time,” Shinya said, resting his chin on his hand. He’d been drinking more than any of them, but one would never tell by looking at him. It was a mystery to the world just how he managed that.

Die hadn’t even noticed that Shinya was close enough to be following their conversation, and he had another flash of guilt over how he’d behaved towards him earlier in the day. They’d sort of put it behind them without addressing it, and maybe that was fine, but Die had the feeling it would keep him up at night if he really never cleared the air between them.

Then again, maybe in the middle of a bar with a tipsy Toshiya at the table wasn’t the ideal setting for a decent apology.

Anyway, Shinya didn’t seem to be holding a grudge, but as he went on, regaling them with a couple of his favorite Drunk!Kaoru anecdotes, Die felt an almost competitive obligation to increase his alcohol intake, and ended the night in poor shape.

Now, at the store, Die couldn’t even commit to his favorite time-killing activity of going and annoying Shinya for fear that he would be _actually_ annoying him. It was fine when it was all fun back-and-forth, but Die had no desire to actually make Shinya uncomfortable or upset, and all he could do was wish he’d had the foresight to settle things before having to work with him. 

He was just about to find some excuse to go up to Guest Services out of sheer boredom and loneliness when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye and turned cheerfully to greet his new customer—only to find Shinya standing there in front of his register.

“Shinya,” Die said, which wasn’t saying much, but he was filled with both relief and trepidation at the arrival of his friend. “What’s up?”

“I’m on break.”

It wasn’t typical for Shinya to come see Die on his break, but to be fair, it would have been even stranger if he’d shown up at Die’s department while he was on the clock. He only came over if he had a specific work-related task bringing him there. That he was on his break now suggested he wanted the freedom to speak with Die about _non-work_ topics, and that made Die’s stomach roll nervously.

“Something on your mind, or you’re here for the booze?”

“Haven’t seen you much today,” Shinya said. “I was actually… concerned that you might still be unhappy with me, for what I said yesterday.”

“I’m not!” Die said, too quickly. “I—I hate how I talked to you yesterday, and haven’t forgiven myself.”

“I was out of line, critiquing your relationship,” Shinya said. “And especially when it’s so new, I should have been more mindful of what I was saying. I hope I didn’t… make you insecure somehow. Your relationship shouldn’t have any expectations from anyone outside it, and I’m sorry if I made you feel as though it does. I didn’t mean it that way.”

It was such a heartfelt apology that Die was caught off-guard, stunned into forgetting exactly why he’d been so keen on apologizing himself. At length he said, “That doesn’t excuse my rudeness.”

“Maybe not,” Shinya allowed. “But I understand where you were coming from, and I should never have driven you to such a place.”

“Well,” Die said, “I forgive you.”

“Thank you. I forgive you, too.”

It was awkward enough that they both started laughing, and then Die sighed. “I’m glad you came by. I’m honored you would use your break just to talk to me.”

“Gets sort of lonely without you barging in to distract me every five minutes.”

“Pshh, c’mon, _thirty_ minutes, at least.”

Shinya smiled sort of sadly, not quite looking at Die. “It’s like we’re living this double life now. No one knows who we were yesterday.”

It was so similar to how Die had been feeling all day that he could do nothing but nod in agreement. “It’s hard to go back to this.”

“I can only imagine how Kyo is feeling,” Shinya said. “Have you gotten to talk to him today?”

“Not really,” Die said. “I’ve been pretty isolated back here.”

“I have to think if it’s hard for us, it must be even worse for him,” Shinya said. “Knowing he doesn’t care for this job anyway, seeing how alive he came onstage… This isn’t where he’s meant to be, and I’m sure he knows that. Do you have plans to spend some time with him soon?”

“Er, not concrete ones. We just said we’d see each other at work.”

“Maybe it would be good to make some solid plans. He might need the comfort, and I don’t think he’s one to voice that need aloud.”

Die’s brow furrowed, concern for Kyo drawing him out from behind his counter. “Did he say something?”

“Not exactly,” Shinya said. “But don’t you follow him on twitter?”

Die shook his head. “I never got permission.”

“You never _asked_ for permission,” Shinya corrected him. “He’s just retweeted a few troubling things since last night, and at the same time, I’ve seen him respond to several people about commissions, so I gather he’s taking on more work.”

“Taking on work isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” Die said, but even as he said it, he knew Kyo could be the type to overwork himself as an unhealthy coping mechanism, and it was probably better to offer him some other outlet.

“Still, I’m glad he has you as that extra support system,” Shinya said.

And maybe Shinya was laying it on thick, being over-the-top in the guilty aftermath of having made Die worry about his relationship with Kyo before, but it was the first time Die’d ever thought of himself as a _support system_ for Kyo, something so real and helpful and necessary, and his heart warmed at the words.

When Shinya left to go back to work, Die was once more alone. He never found a reason to go up to the front and see the rest of his friends, and only managed to catch Kyo right as he was clocking out.

The relative public meant Die didn’t expect a kiss or even a hug, but he let his hand gently touch Kyo’s arm before falling away.

“Hey, missed you all day.”

Die could tell Kyo smirked behind his mask, but his eyes betrayed a tiredness even through the playful expression. “Could’ve come up and seen me anytime.”

“Well, I didn’t want to interrupt your work.”

Kyo huffed out a laugh. “I missed you, too.”

“Are you busy now?” Die glanced at the clock.

“I’m afraid I am,” Kyo said, looking genuinely regretful. “I have a lot of work lately, things to prepare for… I don’t know if I have much time in the evenings at all this week.”

“Oh,” Die said. He hoped Kyo couldn’t hear how his heart sank.

“I’m sorry.” Kyo gave Die’s hand a quick squeeze. “I’ll make it up to you when I get a little more time?”

“Just let me know if you need anything,” Die said, and Kyo nodded, but he still refused to even let Die drive him home.

 

The rest of the week was much the same. Retail was a disheartening world to face after the chance to perform, and nothing was happening to make Die want to give it his full attention. Kyo was always too busy to see him, and much as Die tried not to take it personally, it had started to wear at him.

However, when at last something arrived to disrupt his boring routine, Die regretted ever having complained.

It was towards the end of the week when Kaoru pulled Die aside to “ask him a favor.”

Die shrugged and accepted, figuring he was needed up at the front lanes again, but that wasn’t what Kaoru had in mind.

“I’d like you to train someone on register,” Kaoru said.

“Back here?” Die was confused. “Why not have one of the cashiers do it?”

“I want him to become familiar with this area of the store as well as the front,” Kaoru said. “And it’s generally less hectic back here, meaning it would be less pressure for someone who’s learning.”

“But we hardly ever get people bringing whole carts full of stuff to this register,” Die said. “I’m not trying to be argumentative, but I don’t know if he’ll have as much opportunity to learn the codes and procedures if he’s not up at the front.”

“I trust you,” Kaoru said flatly, and then he was gone, leaving no room for Die to protest further.

The next morning, Die’s new trainee was there waiting for him, bright-eyed and eager. It was a guy Die had seen around, knew his name was Miyavi, but he’d always worked in the back storage room, so coming out to Spirits was a pretty big scenery change for him.

For the most part, he picked up quickly on the information that Die gave him, and he was a big hit with the customers, exuding a natural charm and a sincerity that was kind of refreshing in this setting.

There were some areas, though, in which Die found himself growing rapidly irritated with his new protogé, and by Day Three, he had almost exhausted his patience for his antics.

“You want to make sure you put the shopping bag _in_ the guest’s hands, rather than just leaving it on the counter for them to pick up,” Die was saying as he stocked plastic bags. “I know it seems like a small thing, but you’d be surprised what some of these folks will complain about if given half a chance.” He turned to look up and over at Miyavi—even taller and lankier than Die himself—and he was gone.

It took a few seconds for Die’s searching gaze to tilt down and find Miyavi crouching behind the counter, eating a sandwich.

An impatient rage rose up in Die so immediately that he couldn’t see straight. This wasn’t the first time. When it had first happened, Die had been shocked and confused. What was Miyavi doing? Where did he even _get_ a sandwich?! But now there was no surprise—except that Miyavi had had the _nerve_ to do it _again,_ after being spoken to already.

“Miyavi,” Die said, trying to keep his chill. “Why do you have that?”

“I’m hungry,” Miyavi said. “This one was leftover from Prepared Foods.”

“We’ve talked about this.”

“But that’s why I’m down here,” Miyavi said and grinned. “We just can’t be _seen_ eating, right?”

“You’re not _invisible_!” Die said. “ _I_ can see you! We’re not supposed to be eating while we’re on the clock.”

Miyavi frowned around a mouthful of egg salad. “No one cares if you eat in the back.”

“Yeah, well, that’s one of the differences when you come out onto the floor,” Die said. “So put it away, and I don’t want to see it again, you understand?”

Miyavi looked equal parts annoyed and guilty, but he muttered an apology and stashed his sandwich back under the counter.

Maybe Die wouldn’t have been so hard on him if he hadn’t already been in a bad mood with other things, but he was too irritated to give that much consideration.

He still hadn’t gotten to go out with Kyo even once all week, and even at work he rarely saw him, especially now that he was on training duty. They texted regularly, and Kyo wasn’t being really _emotionally_ distant—he always listened patiently and supportively to Die’s complaints about Miyavi’s behavior—but Die had been feeling very needy, physically.

It didn’t help things that Miyavi was an unusually touchy-feely person. Rather like Die himself, it was in Miyavi’s nature to flirt with everyone, to hug as a greeting, to lean a little bit too close. Really, Miyavi was an attractive guy, and he was sweet when he wasn’t being a brat, but that only bothered Die more. He was always up in Die’s space, but he wasn’t what Die wanted, and he had no concept of how he was crowding him.

At the same time, Miyavi seemed to have way too much energy. He wasn’t used to waiting, as his work in the back had been more task-based and independent. There, he could walk around the whole shift, getting things done at a pace he set himself, but working a register required a lot of standing around, waiting for customers so he could leap into action. Die could tell he was restless, but there were only so many tasks (cleaning, zoning, checking prices) that he could assign him. It was slower in Spirits than it would have been at the front lanes.

In all honesty, it was tough for Die to stay still so long, too. If he hadn’t had to supervise Miyavi, he would have gone to bug Shinya or carry go-backs up to Guest Services a dozen times in the past couple days, but in an effort to set a good example, and not give his trainee any bright ideas, Die had been stuck in his own department, trying to give Miyavi his (mostly) full attention.

“Hey, what’s that?” Miyavi asked.

Die turned in the direction Miyavi was looking, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. “What’s what?”

“That over there,” Miyavi said. “Looks weird. Maybe you should go see.”

Die raised an eyebrow at him. “What are you doing?”

Miyavi sighed. “I’m trying to get you to go over there, so I can do the fun stuff you get me in trouble for when you’re standing here.”

Die scoffed, his irritation back in full force. “Dude, I am easier on you than anyone else in this store would be. You should be fucking grateful you’re training with me and not someone else. Ataru up at the front lanes would probably have torn you a new asshole by now and you would have deserved it.”

Miyavi looked at him with wide eyes. “You’re swearing at me.”

“Gonna report me to Kaoru?” Die challenged him.

Miyavi quickly shook his head, but Die didn’t care either way. He knew Kaoru would probably just laugh if Miyavi _did_ try to tattle on him, and while Die felt a _wee_ bit guilty for terrorizing the youth, he was running out of ideas for how else to get through to him.

Miyavi didn’t make any trouble for the rest of the shift, and Die enjoyed the peace and quiet, retreating comfortably into his own thoughts as he ignored his training duties for the next several hours.

There had been talk from Shinya about getting them a gig at a bar sometime in the next few weeks, but everyone’s schedules were still up in the air, and even though Die was eager to get back up onstage, Kaoru was less easy to convince, saying this and that about how they needed more material to do a full set on their own. He’d instructed them all to work on new music and see what they had the next time they met up as a band.

So far Die hadn’t really come up with anything, but he let himself think through a few musical ideas as he stood there, refilling the paper in the receipt printer, and found they calmed him down from his urges to hit Miyavi with something heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy, look, Miyavi's guest starring! Heh, I'm a little mean to him in this, sorry Miyavi~


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy (I hope you will heh heh)~

“Wouldn’t it be more effective to tell me _what_ you’re punishing me for?” Die asked Kaoru after his fifth day training Miyavi.

They were standing by the registers at the front of the store, and Die had clocked out already, but after checking the schedule for next week and seeing that Miyavi’s training was continuing, he’d felt it necessary to say something.

Kaoru merely arched an eyebrow and looked down at his clipboard. “Am I to take it that things are going badly?”

Die sighed dramatically. “Not _that_ badly, but you know, it’s a _pain_ to watch him all the time, and he has no sense of personal boundaries.”

“Imagine that,” Kaoru quipped.

“I have more sense than he does!” Die cried. “Yesterday when our tray was perfect, he threw his arms around me and kissed me on the cheek!”

Kaoru lowered his clipboard and looked at Die gravely. “Sekuhara?”

Die almost rolled his eyes. “No, it’s no big _deal_ , but just—how much longer am I gonna be stuck with him?”

“Until he’s ready to be on his own,” Kaoru said with a shrug. “I appreciate your hard work.”

There was no point in arguing, especially as Kyo came out to the front lanes, bag over his shoulder. 

He looked from Die to Kaoru’s retreating form and back. “Ready to go?”

It was the first opportunity they’d had to have a date in over a week, and Die nodded eagerly, more than ready to finally have Kyo all to himself after waiting so long to see him.

Before they could make for the door, they were stopped by Ataru’s voice, resonant as she projected from her register, “Ladies and gentlemen, all store employees, gather round, I have an announcement of some significance to make!”

The hour was late enough that no one was really hanging around the front lanes outside of staff and a smattering of customers keen on minding their own business. Die and Kyo exchanged a look before coming a little closer to hear what she had to say.

“It is my privilege to inform you all,” she continued, “that at long last, Ayasa has _dumped_ that useless dungheap she’s been calling a boyfriend, once and for all!”

Beside her, Ayasa blushed furiously and hid behind her hands while the few cashiers around applauded enthusiastically.

“Those who have been following the drama know this has been a long time coming,” Ataru said, and several people murmured in agreement. “And I for one think it deserves a serious celebration.” She went on to say where they were going to be drinking after closing, and invited everyone to join them, but Die was looking forward to being alone with Kyo too much to even really consider the offer.

Kaoru encouraged everyone to return to work, and after calling out their congratulations to a still-embarrassed Ayasa, Die and Kyo headed out to the parking lot.

“Wow,” Die said as they walked towards his car, “I was starting to think she was never gonna get rid of him.”

Kyo grunted. “It can be hard to end a relationship like that, especially if she really loved him. I’m proud of her, though.”

“No, I am, too!” Die said. “She put herself first, and I’m happy for her.” 

He unlocked the car and let Kyo in before getting in himself, dumping his bag in the backseat. He started out of the parking lot easily, heading for home, where they were finalyl going to get their full watch of the _Star Wars_ movies underway.

“I dated someone like that once,” Kyo said abruptly, and it took Die a second to register what he was talking about.

“Like Ayasa’s boyfriend? Not the guy I met?”

Kyo shook his head. “Not Gara. This guy was longer ago.”

“‘Like that’ in what way?”

“Always wanted to stay in instead of going out, usually at my place,” Kyo said. “Always wanted everything by his schedule and I just made myself available whenever he asked, ‘cause I was excited to see him.”

“Hmm.” Die didn’t want to pry too much when Kyo was opening up, but he asked tentatively, “How did it end?”

Kyo laughed humorlessly. “Turned out he was married.”

“What!” Die hit the brakes a little too hard at a stop sign and looked over at Kyo. “Shit, sorry—Seriously?”

“Yeah.” Kyo rubbed a hand through his hair. “Even had a fucking kid, and I had no idea. Felt like a complete asshole.”

“Well, it wasn’t _your_ fault,” Die said. He couldn’t imagine discovering he was the “other man” in a relationship like that. “How did you find out?”

“One of the rare occasions we were at _his_ place—I guess his wife and son were off visiting her parents—and you know, I never even fucking suspected, all his minimalist furniture and no photos and it never struck me as suspicious,” Kyo said, his voice rising slightly. “Fucking idiot.”

“You’re not,” Die said, wishing he could reach over and hold him, although he knew as usual that the physical comfort might have done more for him than for Kyo. “Why _would_ you suspect something like that?”

“Almost a full _year_ we went on like that,” Kyo said. “All that time with me stupidly thinking we were in a _relationship_ , that it was going somewhere, when he was really just fucking me on the side, using me to betray his family without giving me a choice in the matter.”

Die didn’t even know what to say. He’d never heard Kyo talk about this before, but though it was a somewhat distant past, it was clear that he still carried a lot of resentment about the situation.

“Anyway,” Kyo said, with a long exhale. “I accidentally left some of my stuff there. It was my old portfolio; he’d been helping me decide on pieces for it, and I left it there in the bedroom—where we’d fucked in his and his wife’s _bed_ —down the hall from his _kid’s_ room—he always kept it shut, told me it was his office, Christ, I must be the biggest—” He stopped, breathed out again.

Die took the chance to turn and study him while they were stopped at a red light. Kyo’s eyes were closed, his lip was caught between his teeth, and Die had rarely seen him so distraught. Even when he was low usually, he tended more to shut down, wall himself off. Seeing him this frustrated and vulnerable brought out all kinds of protective instincts and Die was relieved that they were nearing his home already.

“The wife called me, ‘cause my contact info was on the inside cover of the portfolio. She wasn’t suspicious at all, just being polite, wanted to make sure I had it back right away, in case I needed it.” Kyo spat out a noise of disgust, clearly aimed at himself and not the wife. “I didn’t realize who she was at first, and then she asked if I was a friend of her husband’s from work. ‘I don’t get to meet many of his friends,’ she said, and I was just wondering if he had other guys besides me, how many, you know?”

Kyo scratched at a spot beside his eye, didn’t speak for a moment. The car was eerily silent since Die hadn’t hooked up his phone to the aux cord, and it felt loaded with tension.

They were pulling into the parking lot for Die’s building when Kyo finally said, “I didn’t tell her. I couldn’t be the one to bring her world crashing around her like that.” The car was put into park, but neither made a move to get out. “Sometimes I still feel like that was the worst part,” Kyo said. He wasn’t looking at Die, hadn’t been the entire time; his gaze was unfocused on some point in the distance. “I was too much of a coward to tell her the truth, and then who knows if she ever found out?”

“I don’t think that was cowardly,” Die said in a quiet voice. “Just kind.” He reached for Kyo’s hand, slowly, in case he felt like pulling away, but he just let him take it.

“It didn’t feel kind at the time,” Kyo said. “I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for what I did to her, her family. I don’t know if I _should_ ever forgive myself.” 

“It was her husband’s choice,” Die said. “You didn’t know.”

“I should have known,” Kyo said. “I thought he— _loved_ me.”

“Maybe he did.”

Kyo just made another noise, more disgusted than the last. 

When it became clear he wasn’t going to say more, Die asked, “Did you manage to get your things back?”

“I told her to mail them, that I’d pay for shipping,” Kyo said. “I wanted it all over as quick and easy as possible, but she insisted that her husband could bring it over to my place when he got off work. That was the last time I saw him.”

Die nodded. He hadn’t imagined there could be much more to the story.

“But you know, even then, he was making excuses, trying to say we could work it out, that I was too _important_ for him to lose me—he couldn’t even see how fucked up it was.” Kyo shook his head, like he’d never gotten over his disbelief, even years after the fact. “He said he’d tell his wife everything, that she’d be ‘ _okay_ ’ with it, like that would solve the problem. He was a lying, cheating bastard, he’d been lying to both of us for almost a _year_ , and bringing that into the open wasn’t going to fucking absolve him of anything. I basically slammed the door in his face, told him to fuck off.”

“And he did?”

Kyo shrugged. “Never saw him again. Guess I wasn’t that important after all.”

“I don’t think you can think of it that way. Maybe he was just respecting your wishes and fucking off.”

“I don’t think he ever learned what respect is.”

Kyo went quiet then, and they were still sitting in the parked car, holding hands, and Die didn’t know what was the right thing to say. He was glad that Kyo felt he could open up to him about all this, even when it was obviously still a sore spot. 

He tried to run with that feeling, saying, “Thank you for sharing this with me. I know—I can tell it’s not easy to talk about.”

Kyo finally turned his face toward him, his eyes shining a bit. “It might be late in the game, but I wanted to explain. Why I don’t trust that easily.”

“You don’t owe me any explanations,” Die said.

“I know. But, I also know… It’s confusing for you. And for me, too. That I want you, but I push you away again and again, that I want to do ‘traditional dating,’ but I hate leaving my house.” Kyo bit his lip, thinking. “Everything that happened with him made me wary of people. ’S’why I always want to wait before being really intimate, to know someone longer before I let myself get invested like that, so I know I’m not making a fool of myself again.”

That made sense, and Die nodded to show he understood. It all made sense. Really, this bit of backstory explained a few things that had been knocking around in Die’s brain, and while he wouldn’t have demanded answers himself, he was grateful to be able to understand Kyo that much more.

“But I’m past that with you,” Kyo said, squeezing Die’s hand. “I don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t need to.”

“Oh,” Die said. “You mean…? Oh.”

Kyo cocked his head. “Not good?”

“No, no!” Die said hurriedly. “Good! Definitely, very good. So then, should we go in?”

“I think that’d probably be better, yeah,” Kyo said, one corner of his mouth twitching upwards.

“Yeah, right,” Die said, and he fumbled as he opened his door, almost forgetting his things in the backseat in his rush to get out and up to the apartment building.

“We could always wait longer if you want to,” Kyo said as they climbed the stairs to Die’s floor. “If you had your heart set on starting _Star Wars_ tonight and everything.”

Die suspected Kyo was just fucking with him and didn’t even dignify it with a reply. He walked a little faster so Kyo had to jog to keep up with his longer strides, and unlocked the door to his apartment without waiting for him.

Kyo slipped in once the door was open, laughing a little. “Didn’t realize my suggestion would get quite such an eager response.”

Die gave him a look. “Really? How did you not?” He barely waited until Kyo’s shoes were off before grabbing him and backing him against the nearest wall. “I don’t see how you could have missed my desperation to fuck you against every surface in the vicinity.”

Kyo laughed again. “I guess you keep it under control well.”

“But I can let go now?” Die whispered, leaning in until his lips were almost brushing Kyo’s.

“Please,” Kyo breathed, and one would have thought Die was a teenager about to lose his virginity with how immediately he hauled Kyo up into his arms and carried him the few steps to his bed before setting him down again.

“Stop me if you need to,” Die said distractedly, already pushing Kyo’s shirt up so he would take it off. “I swear I’ll listen, no pushing.”

“Don’t stop,” Kyo said. “I want to feel you against me.”

Despite having seen Kyo undressed several times by now, Die couldn’t stop himself from staring hungrily as he got Kyo’s clothes off of him. He ran his hands over Kyo’s chest, enjoying the subtle way Kyo’s breathing hitched, how he pressed his lips together, as if to keep any sound inside.

“I love your chest,” Die said. He felt himself blushing a bit as soon as he said it, but he was too turned-on to be really embarrassed. He gazed in admiration at the gentle curve of Kyo’s upper torso, the tattoo that wrapped down from over his shoulder. Any scars that he’d noticed in the past seemed more faded now, harder to see in the low light of the room. He squeezed Kyo’s pecs, rubbed his thumbs over his nipples, and watched with interest as Kyo squirmed underneath him.

“What is this? You just want to tease me?” Kyo complained.

“I want to do everything to you,” Die told him, and leaned down to flick his tongue across one pert nipple. He remembered something Toshiya had said to him, before he’d ever started seeing Kyo, asking if his nipples were pierced; now of course he knew they weren’t, but hell if that wasn’t one of the hottest things he could think of.

“Sh-it, Die, that feels— _ah_ —good,” Kyo said.

“You ever think about getting them pierced?” Die asked, his lips still nearly touching Kyo’s skin.

Kyo leaned up to look at Die in some surprise. “My—you’d like that?”

Die nodded, not seeing the point in hiding his feeling on the subject.

“Fuck… I’ve thought about it before,” Kyo said, dropping back down against the bed. “They’re sensitive… I kind of like a little pain there, too.”

“You’d look pretty insanely sexy,” Die said. He sat up, so he was looming over Kyo. “You already do.”

Kyo smirked, one hand coming up to cup Die’s cheek. His thumb trailed lightly along Die’s lower lip, and his eyes went wide when Die’s mouth opened so his tongue could lap at the pad of Kyo’s thumb.

Die held still as the digit pressed gently at his tongue then pulled back slowly, catching Die’s lip and dragging it down. Die could feel Kyo’s dick throb against his arm where he was leaning over him. Nothing was said, but the temperature in the room seemed to have risen several degrees all at once.

There was no question in Die’s mind about what he wanted to do: he hadn’t gotten to suck Kyo off since that first night they’d had together, and feeling that cock hot and hard against him, Die could think of nothing better than getting it in his mouth.

He leaned back over Kyo’s chest, kissing his way down his abs like he had all the time in the world, despite how badly he wanted to reach his destination of Kyo’s dick.

Kyo, for his part, was really being surprisingly patient, too. It seemed like he was probably holding his breath, judging by his impressive stillness, and he wasn’t complaining anymore about the teasing, instead keeping so silent that Die might have doubted his continued interest were it not for the occasional twitch of his cock, still trapped in his jeans, and the way his hips lifted just slightly as Die moved lower.

Like he was unwrapping a gift, Die unbuttoned and unzipped Kyo’s pants, parting the material so that Kyo’s erection could stand proudly before Die’s eyes. He eased both pants and boxers down Kyo’s legs and dropped them off the side of the bed, leaving Kyo bare and waiting for him.

“Think I can get two or three orgasms out of you tonight?” Die asked, his fingers curling lazily around Kyo’s length.

Kyo moaned softly and nodded. “I don’t think I could settle for less.”

Die lowered himself between Kyo’s legs, and he dove straight into mouthing at Kyo’s balls, sucking gently, just enjoying the feeling of Kyo’s skin against his lips. His hand went on working up and down Kyo’s shaft, no real intent behind it other than touching and feeling.

He’d been so eager to have Kyo this way, and now it felt as though time had stopped, like nothing existed outside of the two of them and this moment. Slowly, Die dragged the flat of his tongue up the length of Kyo’s dick, and finally sucked the head into his mouth, smiling around it at the little sigh of “ _yes_ ,” from Kyo up above him.

Still, Die kept his movements slow and methodical, wanting Kyo to feel good, but also getting his own pleasure from everything he did to him.

When Kyo squirmed, pushing lightly at Die’s shoulder he finally sat up, looked at Kyo in some concern.

“You want to—What do you want?” Kyo asked.

“This,” Die said, honestly. “I have no complaints about anything so far.”

“Neither do I,” Kyo said, “But—I need—Are you going to fuck me? Or do you want—What do you _want_?”

Die’s brain shorted out and rebooted. Absolutely he did want to fuck Kyo—although he didn’t think he’d mind bottoming either—but hearing Kyo say it like that was almost too much to handle. “I want to,” he said, when he felt capable of speech. “You want me to?”

“Yeah,” Kyo said, and licked his lips. “But then, I want you to start opening me up. I don’t have… a lot of experience on this end. Not recently, anyway.”

“I’ve got you,” Die assured him. He rubbed a hand soothingly over Kyo’s thigh, then leaned to pull out a condom, along with the lube that he kept in a set of drawers at the end of the bed. He resettled himself between Kyo’s legs and smiled. “I’m gonna make you feel so good.”

Kyo opened his legs a little wider, and Die watched where a few drops of pre-cum ran from the head of his cock to pool on his flat stomach. It was going to be difficult to keep the slow, relaxed pace he’d set, but since Die had no interest in hurting Kyo or bringing him any discomfort, he would have to manage.

He didn’t waste any time in getting the lube open, warming some between his fingers before he reached down and back, let his finger trace around Kyo’s rim, rubbing gently before easing in slow and careful.

Kyo immediately tensed, a low sound catching in the back of his throat. He was _tight_ , and unbelievably hot inside, and Die could feel his brain leaking from his ears as he pressed deeper inside.

How could it have taken him this long to get to touch Kyo this way? It wasn’t like he hadn’t known that Kyo had the world’s literal Best Ass. The thought that he would soon get to be buried in it had Die’s cock pulsing out its own little wave of pre-cum, and he moaned quietly.

“You can add more,” Kyo said, rolling his hips with Die’s touches.

“Only if you relax.” Die leaned down to start kissing along the crease where Kyo’s thigh met his pelvis, nipping at the skin in a way that pulled a few gasps from his lover. His kisses traveled up to where he could lick the pre from Kyo’s taut belly, and then the head of Kyo’s dick was back in his mouth, and he used the distraction to slip a second finger into Kyo’s hole.

It didn’t take long for Kyo to start rocking back onto Die’s fingers, like he was trying to get him deeper. His breathing was punctuated with soft involuntary noises, so small and helpless and so different from the noises he made in front of an audience.

Die was his only audience now, and it was clear that Kyo wasn’t performing at all, that he was too lost in everything Die was doing to put on much of a show. Die didn’t need him to anyway; just Kyo being himself, his muscles straining and a thin sheen of sweat covering his body was more than enough for Die to feast his eyes upon.

Which was to say nothing of the taste, as he swirled his tongue around the cock in his mouth, or the _feeling;_ the incredible heat, the way that Kyo’s body opened up for Die, seemed to suck him in greedily. It was with tremendous effort and restraint that Die patiently worked a third finger into Kyo, ensuring that he was properly stretched.

By then, Kyo had both his hands in his own hair, and his thighs were trembling slightly. He didn’t say anything to rush Die’s work, but it was obvious that it required some great effort from him, too.

As a reward for his good behavior, Die took Kyo’s cock deeper into his mouth, sank down on it until it hit the back of his throat, and swallowed. At the same time, his fingers that had been mapping Kyo from the inside found Kyo’s prostate, and stroked over it with careful pressure.

Kyo gave a gratifyingly loud and abrupt moan, hurrying to cover his mouth with one hand just after. He looked down at Die with his eyes wide, shocked.

Die made sure to repeat his actions.

That had Kyo outright whining, a painfully arousing sound. “ _Fuck_.”

The tremble in Kyo’s thighs had increased, and Die pulled back just enough to lap at the head of Kyo’s dick again, his eyes focused on Kyo, watching for any minute changes in his body language. Slowly, Kyo’s hips lifted off the bed and didn’t come back down; he was rigid, pulled tight as a rubber band, and Die took him deep again. He thrust his fingers in with more power until he heard Kyo swear, even louder than before, and his whole body jolted. The taste of him flooded Die’s mouth and Die swallowed a couple times before Kyo collapsed back against the mattress.

Ever so gently, Die pulled his fingers free. He gave Kyo’s length one last kiss as he eased off of it, and licked his lips. “Think you’re ready to take my cock now?”

“Oh, god, _please_ ,” Kyo said, raising his hips from the bed, once more.

Even if Die hadn’t already been desperate to get inside Kyo, the sight of him writhing and moaning on Die’s bed, literally begging to be filled really clinched it. Die couldn’t spend another second hesitating. He stood up just long enough to fully remove his clothing, and climbed back up between Kyo’s legs, naked, his cock leaking continuously.

“How do you want to be?” Die asked, stroking himself as he looked down at Kyo. “What’s most comfortable for you?”

“Like this, on my back?” Kyo looked sort of guilty as he said it, which Die didn’t understand until he went on, “I know people usually want—my ass might be the better view, but um—”

Die shook his head, laid a hand on Kyo’s thigh to quiet him. “I’m happy looking at any and all of you.”

“I just… want to be able to hold onto you,” Kyo said. “This time, at least.”

“Whatever you want,” Die said, smiling. He meant it, that any view of Kyo was better than he could dream up on his own, but the little reminder that they would have more opportunities to try different positions sent heat coursing through Die’s body.

He rolled the condom over his erection and lined himself up with Kyo’s entrance, pushing his thighs up, just enough to get them out of the way. He breathed out as he started to push inside, more than a little worried that he would become totally overwhelmed by the feeling of Kyo and end things sooner than he wanted to.

Kyo’s eyes closed as Die pressed in farther, his brows drawn together, but his lips parted, breaths coming erratically.

“Feel okay?” Die said quietly, running one hand over Kyo’s chest in an attempt to steady and reassure him.

“Good,” Kyo confirmed. “Really good. God, you’re—mm.”

“You play with yourself like this, yeah?”

“Not the same,” Kyo said. “You’re so much— _bigger_ , deep— _deeper_.”

Die might have blushed if all his blood wasn’t otherwise occupied filling out his dick. “You like it deep?”

“Fuck, _yes_ ,” Kyo groaned. He lifted his thighs more, wrapped his legs around Die, and tried to pull him down towards him. “Can never get this deep by myself.”

Die laughed breathlessly. “Maybe if you had the right toys.”

“They don’t sell those in Shinya’s department.”

Die’s hips stuttered at the mention of their friend. “Jesus, no, they don’t—Please don’t bring up Shinya while I’m inside you?”

Kyo smirked, opening his eyes to look at Die. “Can you imagine how scandalized he would be, seeing you like this?”

It wasn’t actually something Die _wanted_ to imagine, but he still felt his cock throb traitorously within Kyo. Damn, he was really going to infect Die with his exhibitionist kink.

“But anyway,” Kyo said, conversationally, as Die shifted back so he could thrust back in, “I never really had much use for toys like that before you.”

Die paused, looked at Kyo with curiosity.

“Not that I was a nun or anything,” Kyo said, and rolled his eyes, “but I wasn’t that into having anything in my ass. Not since that, that one ex I told you about. I was kinda off the whole thing after him.”

It was difficult for Die to understand how—or _why_ Kyo wanted to have this composed sort of discussion with Die’s dick speared up inside him, but he didn’t want to discourage him from sharing his feelings, so he listened patiently.

“But since being with you,” Kyo said, his voice growing quiet, “thinking about you, I’ve wanted…” He clenched around Die. “Wanted you, like this. Thought about it kind of a lot.”

“I think about you all the time,” Die said.

“I know,” Kyo said, a tiny smile on his face. “Maybe that inspired me.”

“And is it living up to your fantasies?”

“Hard to tell so far,” Kyo said. “Why don’t you really fuck me, and we’ll see?”

It was a challenge that Die was only too happy to accept, and he quickly began driving into Kyo hard and deep, at a pace that he knew he couldn’t maintain for too long, but it was worth it to watch Kyo’s mouth drop open, to feel Kyo’s nails drag down his back. He hissed in pain, but wasn’t the least bit remorseful for how he was fucking Kyo, aiming to get him to scream for him.

As he started to lose momentum at that high speed, Die sat back, pulling Kyo’s hips up onto his thighs, and held him there, hands hooked under his knees, legs up and spread, for some slower thrusts. He watched his cock sliding smoothly in and out of Kyo’s tight little asshole, unable to stifle his moans at the sight. He loved seeing how Kyo’s body gripped him, pulled him in, loved seeing Kyo stretched open around his dick.

Kyo’s hands were still on him, holding onto Die’s thighs, since that’s where he could reach. In a hoarse whisper he said, “You’re—you’re watching, how you move in and out of me?”

Die looked up, found Kyo’s dark eyes steady on his face. He nodded. “I like seeing how well you take me.”

Kyo swallowed, hips twitching. “I like… that you like that.”

Biting his lip, Die let his gaze travel down Kyo’s body all the way to the revitalized erection resting heavy against his belly. He shifted, propping one of Kyo’s ankles up on his shoulder so he could get a hand free to start jerking Kyo off.

Kyo was moaning immediately, abdominal muscles tensing as he worked to follow Die’s hand and fuck himself back on Die’s cock.

Die couldn’t decide where to look when everything before him was warring for the most erotic sight he’d ever seen in his life.

One of Kyo’s hands left Die’s leg to start pulling at his own nipples, hard and sensitive, and Kyo whimpered. “ _Die_ …”

“Yeah? What do you need? You’re so sexy,” Die said helplessly, his hand twisting around Kyo’s slick cock.

“Tell me—” Kyo’s face turned to the side, a flush to his cheeks visible even in the dim light. “Tell me I can cum?”

“Fuck,” Die breathed, and closed his eyes, pausing all his movements, just to keep from losing it on the spot. “Please, Kyo. Cum for me, cum on my cock, so I can feel it, so I can watch you.”

It seemed to be exactly what Kyo needed; he gasped, jerked, and came, spurting over Die’s fist and down onto his own abs. His body clamped down hard around Die, and that was basically all it took, as Die only managed a few more labored thrusts before tumbling over the edge himself, filling the condom with his cum.

With all his bones removed, it was hard for Die to remain sitting up, and as soon as he caught his breath, he started carefully trying to extricate himself from the tangle of Kyo’s legs.

Kyo just made some soft noise, his hips wiggling so that Die’s over-sensitive dick slipped partway out of him.

Die hissed, pulled out all the way, and made sure Kyo was settled comfortably on the bed before going to take care of the condom and clean himself up in the bathroom. He knew he should probably help Kyo clean up too, even though he couldn’t deny that he really enjoyed the sight of him, covered in his own cum like that.

As he wet a washcloth to bring back to Kyo, his mind wandered back to the only time he’d gotten to see _his_ cum marking Kyo’s body, for the few brief seconds in the shower at the venue, before the water had washed it away. He’d like to see it again sometime, if Kyo was ever open to it, to see Kyo sitting there with Die’s cum spattered across his chest, his ass… Maybe if they got to where they were comfortable enough with each other, Kyo wouldn’t mind Die cumming inside him.

It took Die a second to realize the sink was still running and he was spacing out. What a sight that would be to see, though, he thought, shutting the faucet off properly. He wrung the excess water out of the washcloth and, as it dripped back into the sink, he imagined watching his own cum dripping out of Kyo’s well-fucked hole, running down his thighs.

He had to take a deep breath to bring himself back to reality. Maybe that would happen someday, but for now, he had Kyo, beautifully exhausted and waiting for him in the other room, and he was eager to get back to him.

When he walked out, he found Kyo sprawled still very naked, half off the bed, his arm outstretched, reaching for the cat glaring at him from across the room.

“Everything all right?” Die asked.

“Think she’s pissed at me,” Kyo said. “This isn’t the first time she’s had to see her daddy fuck someone, is it?”

Die’s mouth dropped open as he scrambled for words. “Um.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—that’s really none of my business.”

“It’s—it’s okay,” Die said, but he couldn’t force anything else out. The truth was of course that he’d had a lot of partners, and it wasn’t rare for him to bring them back to his place. Usually the cat did make herself scarce during those times, but Die didn’t think he was ready to admit to Kyo exactly how _experienced_ he was.

He’d hinted at it before, and he wasn’t ashamed of the fact that he’d had far more casual sex than steady relationships—he didn’t think Kyo would shame him for it either—but knowing that Kyo was sort of insecure when it came to thinking people were using him for sex, Die didn’t want to give him numbers that would only feed that fear.

Add to that that he’d just heard the word “daddy” from Kyo’s lips, in reference to him, and Die’s grasp on language had seriously escaped him.

“Is that for me?” Kyo asked, nodding towards the washcloth in Die’s lax grip.

“Oh, yeah.” Die crossed the rest of the way to the bed and handed the cloth over so Kyo could clean up. 

Neither of them said anything as Kyo ran the washcloth over his skin, hissing quietly when the cold water dripped on his thighs. It had been pleasantly warm when Die had first wet the cloth, but it was no surprise that it had cooled quickly in the air-conditioned apartment.

“So,” Kyo finally said, and set the cloth aside. “I don’t think I could keep my eyes open for all of _Phantom Menace_ , if we tried to start it right now.”

Die chuckled. “No, me neither.”

“So then…” Kyo trailed off, chewed his lip. “I shouldn’t have said that, about—I know you’ve never really said anything about your previous relationships. Basically at all.”

It occurred to Die that this fact actually bothered Kyo a little more than he was letting on, but it still wasn’t a subject he wanted to dwell on. “That’s because they don’t matter,” he said with a shrug, and moved to lie down on the bed. “None of my exes were really alike—and none of them were anything like _you_. What we have now is its own thing, and what I’ve had in the past doesn’t really have any influence on that.”

Kyo’s face contorted like he disagreed, but he didn’t argue, instead choosing to lie down beside Die. “I don’t know if you want me to stay the night, or…”

“Of course I do,” Die said easily. He scooted in, pulled Kyo towards him. “I always want you to stay.”

“Even if Quila doesn’t want to hold my hand anymore?”

“She does,” Die assured him. “She’s just the jealous type.”

Kyo grunted and pulled the covers up over them, nestled close into Die’s chest. He didn’t say anything more, and Die was comfortable just listening to the soft sound of Kyo’s breathing, feeling the little twitches of Kyo’s hand curled against his ribs as he drifted off to sleep.

It struck him as a perfect end to any day, and his heart hurt a little as he thought how much he’d like to fall asleep with Kyo like this every night. He’d never had that kind of long-term fantasy with someone before, and it scared him. What was going to happen when he ended up more invested than Kyo, when he meant less to Kyo than Kyo did to him? How could he handle that inevitable heartbreak?

Kyo snored lightly, the sound more endearing than anything. Die pressed a kiss to the top of his wild hair, and tried to clear his mind of anything besides the warm, welcome feel of Kyo sleeping beside him. All those other worries could wait until morning.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter, this officially becomes my first fic to go over 100k words.   
> Why. The Retail AU? What is happening.  
> There's... more to come, too.  
> (That said, I'm excitedly working on other things at the same time. I've been finishing a lot of projects that were like 80% done already, and I'm looking forward to sharing those when this is done. Which is... not that soon, haha. I might start posting some other new stuff before I finish this, though, we'll see.)  
> Anyway, thanks to those of you who have stuck with it since the beginning and reached this milestone with me. I appreciate your comments very much, and I hope you're enjoying it and continue to do so. <3

“Guess what’s this weekend!” Toshiya sang as he strolled up to Die’s counter with his purchase of three different kinds of booze.

Die eyed the bottles warily. “A case of alcohol poisoning?”

“Guess again!” Toshiya said and handed over his ID.

Die found his date of birth, punched it into the computer, and was about to hand the card back when he realized what he’d just read. “Your birthday!”

“Yep,” Toshiya said, grinning. “I’m thinking hanami and a lot of drinking. You wanna come out and celebrate with me?”

“Yeah, of course I do,” Die said enthusiastically. It had been a busy few weeks and his chances to go out on the town for drinking and fun had been few and far-between. “Gonna invite the others, too?”

“Sure, but—I mean, Kyo probably won’t wanna come, right?” Toshiya said. “And Kaoru…”

“Does he know already?” Die asked. “He usually does something special for us here at the store, for our birthdays, brings in special food or what have you.”

“Think he’d throw me a pizza party?”

“Uh, maybe if that’s what you really wanted.”

“Where’s your trainee by the way?” Toshiya said, looking around.

“Ugh, it’s his day off,” Die said. “That means we don’t have to talk about him today.”

Toshiya frowned. “You really dislike him that much?”

“No, I don’t,” Die admitted. “He’s just—He’s kind of like a puppy; he requires a lot of attention, and I’m more of a cat person.”

“So I shouldn’t invite him out for drinks with us for my birthday?”

Die raised his hands in surrender. “By all means, if you want him there!”

Toshiya laughed. “Nah, probably not. But I will ask Kaoru about that pizza party.”

Die laughed too, imagining the look on Kaoru’s face if Toshiya really brought up such asuggestion to him. Honestly though Die couldn’t think of anywhere good to get pizza in the area.

Toshiya was turning to go when he stopped and looked at Die. “And!”

“And?”

“The main reason I came over to talk to you, which I had forgotten!” Toshiya’s whole face was glowing. “They want us for the Battle of the Bands!”

Die steadied himself with his hands on the counter. “Holy shit, for real?”

Toshiya nodded eagerly. “They just emailed me about it today, more details to follow. We get to do three songs—May 11th, so mark it on your calendar.”

Die was already pulling out his phone to add the date to his schedule. “And it’s a competition, right? So do people vote, or…?”

“Last year they had a voting system set up, but it wasn’t fair because some bands just brought in a ton of people to vote for them. They have a panel of judges, and then they’re gonna have a separate prize for audience favorite.”

“A separate prize? What’s the main prize anyway, money?” Die asked hopefully. After all, he worked in retail.

Toshiya nodded. “There’s a cash prize, and the winning band also gets to record their EP with Ginka Records.”

Die let out a slow breath. That was a good prize.

“How do we win?” he said.

“We have to work on new stuff,” Toshiya said, “Bring it up to a standard even Kaoru’s more than happy with.” He brandished a finger at Die. “So get to work!”

There was no argument to be made, even if Die had wanted to argue, so he saluted and then waved as Toshiya walked off, presumably heading home for the evening.

It left Die with a lot to think about, new music, polishing up what they already had, Toshiya’s birthday. It would be nice to go see the cherry blossoms and just relax. Maybe that was even the kind of thing Kyo would be up for, since it wasn’t like a club, or somewhere he’d have to talk to a lot of people.

Then again, depending on when and where they went, it might be really crowded. And it had been so _cold_ lately, he couldn’t imagine they’d want to stay out for very long. He still hoped Toshiya would at least _invite_ Kyo.

It was a busy time of year, with kids getting out of school for spring break, graduating and vacationing. Die was selling more alcohol than usual, but he’d had to be stricter than he liked about checking IDs while he was training Miyavi.

He’d considered using it as a teaching opportunity, getting Miyavi to follow his philosophy about freeing and empowering the young, but he didn’t want it to come back and bite him in the ass if Miyavi irresponsibly sold to minors right in front of a supervisor or something.

When Die’s day off arrived, it felt long and lonely. Kyo and the rest of the band were at work and couldn’t spend any time with him, and Die ended up staying home all day, working on music and thinking too much.

There had been plenty on Die’s mind, even before talking to Toshiya. The more time went on, the more Die had to acknowledge that he had yet to bring up to Kyo what Shinya had said, about him changing jobs. Maybe there wasn’t a lot to be said if he _did_ bring it up, but Die knew the longer he kept it bottled up, the worse it would be, and he couldn't keep from feeling sort of hurt that it was something Kyo had never mentioned. Even as Kyo slowly opened up and shared more of himself, he never said out loud that he was planning on leaving the store where they both worked, and even if it didn’t have anything to do with Die directly, it was still a detail that was important to him.

What would that mean for their relationship? The store was where they’d met, where they saw each other on a regular basis, even when their schedules were too muddled for them to spend free time together. If that was taken away, would Kyo still make time to see Die? If he moved on to something more glamorous, would Kyo even want to keep his retail-working boyfriend, who spent his days selling alcohol and cigarettes to college students and salarymen? Maybe he’d prefer to move on to someone who better fit his fashionable lifestyle.

This fed into Die’s general insecurity about the relationship. While he’d tended towards casual flings and infatuations in the past, he couldn’t deny that with Kyo, it was more than that. He’d fallen in love with him, and the path from there was rather less clear. Especially since Kyo still hadn’t said anything about loving him back.

It wasn’t like Die needed to hear those words in order to be comfortable dating Kyo, but having it unreturned was like working without a net. The one relationship he wanted to be lasting felt the most ephemeral of all, like Kyo could change his mind at any moment and leave Die lost and alone.

Die still found Kyo difficult to read. He didn’t think he’d ever see it coming if Kyo grew tired of him, so he was half-expecting it every conversation they had.

The fear and uncertainty he felt was channeled into his music as he composed new material for the band, longing and loss poured into every chord. It was a peculiar juxtaposition as he felt proud and satisfied with what he accomplished, but unsure about where it had come from. The thought that Kyo would be putting lyrics to it felt like some sort of cruel irony, that whatever the inevitably dark and pained words were that rounded out the song, they couldn’t tell the story that was in Die’s heart as he wrote the music.

As they rehearsed that weekend, Die continued to wonder about Kyo’s lyrics, whether Die himself was in them, the way Kyo lived in the notes Die played.

It did seem like the theme had shifted somehow, gone more internal, the narrator of the songs consistently putting himself down, and referring to himself with such negativity that if Die wasn’t used to it, he might have been worried about Kyo’s state of mind.

Probably Die was reading into it too much as he found himself comparing the subject matter Kyo paired with his own compositions to that which he paired with the other band members’, searching for some pattern there.

When the rehearsal came to an end, they still hadn’t finalized their decision as far as which three tracks they’d be performing at the gig in May, but they had it mostly narrowed down.

“I would just like to say, once again,” Kaoru announced, “Thank you, Kyo, for writing your own lyrics and ensuring that mine never see the light of day.”

“Do you usually write words to go with the music you bring in?” Die asked, curious. It was certainly not how he did things personally, but he supposed some people might have both words and music occur to them at once.

“Only sometimes,” Kaoru said, looking embarrassed. “But it doesn’t matter, because we know Kyo here would never sing them.”

Kyo shrugged. “Yeah, probably not.”

“So, it works out for everyone.” Kaoru looked at the time on his phone. “And now I’d better be getting to the store for the afternoon shift.” He turned to Toshiya. “Happy birthday, and I hope you all have a wonderful time seeing the cherry blossoms.”

Well, that settled it that Kaoru wasn’t coming. Die wondered whether he had responded one way or another to Toshiya’s invitation before this moment; the look on Toshiya’s face made him think no.

Die cast a glance over at Kyo. He was fairly certain he wasn’t joining them either, though he hadn’t heard directly from Toshiya what Kyo’s answer had been. Kyo still wasn’t really acknowledging anything going on around him, focused on putting his belongings away as if he were alone.

Kaoru bade them goodbye and slipped out, and Die sidled up to Toshiya to ask him in a low voice whether Kyo had said anything, but before he finished asking, Kyo was there standing before them, looking expectant.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“Oh, um. You’re coming?” Toshiya said, apparently too surprised to show he thought that was a positive thing.

“Hanami,” Kyo said, nodding. His eyes flitted between Toshiya and Die. “That’s today, right? Kaoru just said it. It’s your birthday.”

“No, yeah,” Toshiya said. “I just didn’t think—I’m glad you’re coming, though! We’re just waiting for Shinya.”

They didn’t have to wait long, as Shinya only spent another minute cleaning up, and then they all walked out together.

Die drove them to Toshiya’s place, which he’d never been to, because it was the most conveniently located in relation to the train station. They left the car there, along with all their instruments and gear, and headed to the park by train, making a stop at a conbini on the way to stock up on alochol and assorted snacks.

“We could’ve gotten a better deal on this at the store,” Die said of their purchase. “The Sapporo was just on sale this past week.”

“Then as our resident expert, you should have planned ahead and bought everything we needed,” Toshiya said. “You don’t get to complain about how much it costs.”

Die did, however, get to complain about how damn cold it was once they got to the park. In fact, it was practically all any of them were saying, their arms wrapped tightly around themselves as they struggled to enjoy the view.

“Can we go inside somewhere soon” Shinya requested politely. He wasn’t one to whine, but his coat was already buttoned up to his chin and he was still shivering.

“Soon,” Toshiya said, “but we have to appreciate the flowers while we have the chance. Be grateful we’re not stuck in the store right now!”

“At least in the store I can’t see my own breath,” Die muttered.

Only Kyo was keeping quiet, once more wrapped up in his own activity, this time taking all kinds of photos of the trees, paying little attention to his companions.

Toshiya nudged Die. “Did he tell you he was coming?” he whispered.

Die gave a small shake of his head. “I was as surprised as you. It’s not a problem, is it?”

“Of course not, it’s just… He hasn’t said anything since we got here,” Toshiya pointed out. “And he hasn’t had anything to drink.”

“Well, he’s not a big drinker.” Die looked over at Kyo, thoughtfully. He seemed happy enough, snapping pictures with his phone and ignoring the rest of them, but it was strange to see him in this setting at all. He looked beautiful with the spring scenery behind him, his eyes bright even with the rest of his face hidden by his mask. Die found himself gazing, staring, his mind wandering, getting lost in the impossible truth that this wild and lovely creature was his to love and hold and spend time with, even if only for a short while.

"How is it that that look you get around him hasn’t changed, even now that your relationship isn’t brand new anymore?” Toshiya said quietly.

“I just don’t get tired of looking at him,” Die said, blushing a little at how cheesy it sounded.

Toshiya sighed. “We do need to go inside soon.”

“It’s cold,” Die agreed. “We don’t have to just go home, we could—”

“Karaoke!” Toshiya said, his face lighting up. “Can we? I haven’t been in so long!”

Kyo’s attention was finally attracted. “Karaoke? Oh, I’m out.”

“What!” Toshiya looked beyond offended. “Why?”

“No, you guys should go,” Kyo said. “I just don’t want to do karaoke.”

Die frowned. “But you’ve been with Shinya before.”

“Yeah, and that doesn’t mean I feel like going now?” Kyo said, like there was no relevance to Die’s statement.

“We don’t have to go right this minute,” Shinya said.

Toshiya gave him a look. “Come on, it’s freezing; you’re turning into a popsicle out here.”

“I’m fine,” Shinya said, with a smile just on the wrong side of forced. There was no pretending that Shinya wasn’t cold, but Die could tell he didn’t want to change their activity to something that would exclude Kyo.

Die scooted over on the part of the picnic blanket that Shinya didn’t have folded over his lap, and rested his hand on Kyo’s knee. “Are you not cold?”

Kyo shrugged. “I am, but we’re here to see the cherry blossoms, right? It’s not something we can do year-round, and this park may not be quite as nice as the spot I showed you that's my favorite, but I still like to see it.”

“You don’t want to go to karaoke?”

“I… I understand that’s what everyone else wants to do,” Kyo said slowly. “But I don’t enjoy it all that much even under the best of circumstances, and my capacity for socializing is probably reaching its limit anyway.”

“Someday, can we go together?” Die asked. He loved seeing Kyo sing, after all, and it might be fun to watch him do it in a more laid-back context than anything band-related.

“Sure, sometime,” Kyo said with a short nod. “Just the two of us.”

They’d barely stayed an hour, and it didn’t take long at all for them to clean everything up and walk back to the train station, where Kyo parted ways with them.

Much as Die tried to enjoy karaoke and keep his attention on celebrating Toshiya’s birthday, it was a struggle to not get hung up on Kyo and his behavior. Having seen him contentedly taking pictures of the blooming trees just made it that much harder to accept his unwillingness to spend continued time with the group. He socialized with them so rarely, and still an hour was pushing his limits? Die couldn’t tell if he was asking too much, or if Kyo was just being purposefully difficult.

The solution to all of it was naturally to drink a good deal more than he should have, and for getting Die’s mind off Kyo, it was mostly effective.

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, well. Here's this.

Die almost hated to admit it, but Miyavi was getting pretty good at the whole cashiering thing. He got a lot of positive feedback from guests, he’d memorized more of the produce codes—despite not handling that merchandise as often—and overall he was sort of growing on Die.

It was something of a surprise when he spoke up one day, “So, that cashier, Kyo—you kinda talk to him, right?”

Die looked at him, bemused. “Yeah, we talk.”

“So, is he, like… you know…”

Die waited, though he had some ideas where it might be going. _Is he gay? Is he single? Is he as much of an asshole as he seems?_

For some reason, he wasn’t expecting, “Is he _yakuza_?”

Die’s eyes nearly popped out of his face. “What the hell??”

Miyavi shrugged helplessly. “I was just wondering! He’s got a lot of tattoos, I noticed one day when he had his sleeves rolled up—and he seems so private and stoic…”

“No!” Die said emphatically. “Kyo is not yakuza, Christ.”

“Oh,” Miyavi said. He paused, then, “Do you think he has good recommendations for tattoo artists then? ‘Cause I have some ideas for things I was thinking about getting.”

Die shook his head in disbelief. “I’ll let him know you’re looking.”

Miyavi grinned. “Yeah? That would be awesome, thank you!”

Kyo wasn’t at the store that day, but Die had every intention of texting him when he went on break to relate Miyavi’s ridiculousness. Or maybe he’d wait until he went over to Kyo’s place after work, so he could enjoy the look on his face. He relished any chance he got to watch Kyo laugh.

He hadn’t fully decided, and had gone back to stocking plastic bags next to the register, when another customer came up to their counter and Miyavi asked, “What can I do for you, sir?”

It wasn’t a question they typically needed to ask, since the customer usually set whatever they were buying on the counter, or else asked for cigarettes right off the bat, and Die glanced up from his task and took a few seconds to look at the man, who was empty-handed.

He realized he _knew_ him—he had a serious face, distinct cheekbones, and was near-skeletally thin.

It was Kyo’s ex.

“ _You_!” Die said, or more accurately, sort of growled.

Miyavi looked at him in alarm, then back to the customer. “Um, did you have—?”

“Are you here looking for Kyo again?” Die demanded, half a beat off from clambering over the counter and grabbing the man by his shirt collar.

“I—” There was a flicker of uncertainty on Kyo’s ex’s face before he said, “We spoke before, didn’t we? You seemed like you didn’t know who Kyo was.”

It had been a while ago, but rather than point that out, Die said, “He doesn’t want to see you. He’s not here, and you need to stop coming to his work to look for him.”

The man scoffed. “He can tell me that himself.”

Die shook his head and unhooked his name tag from his shirt. He slammed it on the counter. “Let’s talk outside.”

“Um. Die?” Miyavi said nervously.

“Watch the booze. I’m going on my ten.” Die gave Kyo’s ex his best glare until he intimidated him into a steady trot all the way out of the store, and around to the side of the building.

“You gonna beat me up or something?”

“No,” Die said. “I’m gonna be honest with you.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, man—”

“Gara.”

“Right. Gara.” Die sighed. “Kyo doesn’t want to see you, and he doesn’t want to _tell you himself_ , because he doesn’t even want to talk to you. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have anything against you, but if you have any hope of keeping it that way, you’ve gotta back off.”

Gara considered this, then shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“You don’t—What do you mean, you don’t _think_ so, I’m _telling_ you!”

“I get that you’re looking out for your friend and I respect that,” Gara said. “But I _know_ Kyo. If he wants to tell me to back off, he can tell me himself. But it’s been over a year and he hasn’t dated anyone else. Don’t you think that means something?”

“I don’t know what you think it—”

“He hasn’t moved on!” Gara said, and actually smiled. “He broke up with me, but he’s found there’s no one he’s more compatible with.”

It was starting to get sort of sad. “No, dude… Gara,” Die said, trying to be gentle. “He has moved on.”

“No,” Gara argued. “He hasn’t said anything on social media about someone new.”

Die put aside for the moment the way that made him feel sort of invisible and unimportant, and said, “I don’t really think it’s the kind of thing he’d talk about there.”

“What, but he’d talk about it with his coworker at the supermarket?” Gara huffed derisively. “I think I’d know if he was dating someone.”

“Apparently not, because Kyo _is_ dating someone.”

“No,” Gara said again, but he sounded less sure. “No, he’s… How do you know? You’ve seen him?”

Die didn’t know what to say. On the one hand he wanted to prove to this guy that he didn’t stand a chance with Kyo, that he was totally unavailable, but at the same time, he didn’t owe Gara any evidence. He didn’t know how Kyo would feel about him revealing details of his personal life to an ex-boyfriend he was trying to avoid.

In the end, he didn’t have to decide: his silence spoke for him, and Gara’s face fell with his dawning realization.

“ _You_ are Kyo’s… new boyfriend?” he said quietly.

Die felt for him. It had to suck to lose Kyo like that, to know that he’d moved on and you were only a part of his past. In fact, Die didn’t want to even think about it too much, lest he start feeling his own heartbreak in anticipation of an event he couldn’t predict. “I am,” he said.

“So he’s really off the market.”

“Right,” Die confirmed. “We’re together, and it’s… good.” He didn’t want to rub it in, but he also didn’t want to give Gara any false hope that the relationship was unstable.

Gara nodded, paused, then nodded again. “I see.”

“I’m sorry you had to find out like this,” Die said.

“It doesn’t make a difference,” Gara said. “However I found out would still… We were ‘good’ too, you know?” His rueful chuckle was a bit wet. His body sagged and he leaned against the wall of the building. “We were… I’ve never met someone like him.”

“No, neither have I.”

“And you never will,” Gara said. “I learned so much from him. He was so unbelievably gentle, so much more than I ever expected him to be, even when it ended, but. But nothing has ever hurt me so much.”

Die just looked at him. He felt sure that he was the last person Gara would want to pour his soul out to, to share these feelings with, but there was nowhere for him to go.

“He was a mentor and a friend before we ever became something more,” Gara went on, distantly. “I trusted him with my life, trusted him more than I trusted myself.” He chewed his lip. “I was never comfortable with my sexuality. I didn’t know how to accept that part of myself, didn’t _want_ to accept it, and meeting Kyo was like some damn spiritual experience. He was—is—just so… singular. Himself, in the face of any and everything that’s ever tried to take him down. I’d never been inspired by someone like that, and that feeling never went away.”

It seemed so wrong, hearing Gara talk about this loss, standing there listening and sympathizing, when really that loss had been Die’s gain. Kyo was Die’s now, if he was anyone’s; that inspiration was Die’s, and he couldn’t relate to the feeling of having lost it. He hoped he would never be able to relate to it.

“It wasn’t a one-way thing,” Gara said next. “I know it sounds like I had some crush from across the room, but he was there, with me, _for_ me. When I took risks, he supported me every single time, pushed me to grow in ways I never thought of.” He looked over at Die. “And then it was over.”

“What happened?” Die asked, despite not really wanting to know.

“Nothing. Nothing changed, we didn’t fight. One day I was waking up next to him, and then that night he said it wasn’t working for him. He ‘couldn’t be who I wanted him to be.’ As if he wasn’t already. As if he’d ever been anything else.” Gara wiped at his nose. “He was gone in a matter of hours and I was totally unprepared for it.”

Die frowned. “I’m sure there was more to it than that.”

“I spent months wondering what I had done, how I could fix things,” Gara said. “I was so sure I’d always given him everything he could want, everything I _had._ He was my world, and he walked out like it meant nothing to him to do so.”

Something about those words rang a little too familiar for Die. This was the exact thing he was worried about, ending up so much more invested in Kyo than Kyo was in him.

“That’s how he is, though,” Gara said decisively. “The gentleness—it’s a deception. Because deep down, he just doesn’t care that much. He plays up feelings for his art and his poetry and doesn’t have anything real inside.”

“That… I don’t think that’s fair,” Die said.

“It’s not, but it’s Kyo,” Gara said. “He’ll do it to you, too. You think he’s gonna stick around forever, that he’s gonna give you some kind of warning before you’re just another memory?” Gara shook his head, stuffed his hands in the pockets of his denim jacket. “He’ll leave you and he won’t feel a thing when he does.”

“Kyo feels things,” Die said. He hated how defensive it sounded.

Gara just shrugged. “I don’t think it’s his fault. I think he’s been broken, that it’s hard enough to maintain the face he shows to everyone, without the layers underneath. He just can’t care about people.”

Die didn’t respond for a few seconds. He didn’t agree with what Gara was saying, didn’t believe it, but it was still processing, sinking into his thoughts and spreading like a virus. “I think you need to leave,” he said at length.

“You’ll see that I’m right.”

“If that’s what you think, why do you want him back so badly?”

Gara smiled, a pathetic, small thing. “He’s ruined me for anyone else. I’d just hoped he’d realize he was ruined, too.”

“I don’t want to see you here again,” Die said firmly. “If you continue to stalk Kyo, I’ll have security remove you from the premises.”

Gara spread his arms in surrender, hands still in his jacket pockets. “I’m leaving. Good luck with everything.”

Die kept glaring after him as he walked away, until he was sure he was really gone. He had to put it out of his mind, but walking back into the store he found that to be much easier said than done.

Sure, on some level he knew that Gara was hurt, and had been lashing out, saying things out of a place of anger and sadness that Die couldn’t take to heart, that he _shouldn’t_ take to heart anyway, since Gara was no one to him, and nothing he said mattered in the grand scheme of things.

But somehow he’d still struck a nerve. The things he’d said were unkind and extreme, but some of them were uncomfortably close to thoughts Die had had himself.

Miyavi looked deeply worried when Die finally arrived back in Spirits.

“Hey, is everything okay? You were gone… a long time.”

“I’m sorry for leaving you like that,” Die said distractedly. “Were there any problems while I was away?”

“No, it was fine, but,” Miyavi lowered his voice, “Who was that guy? Is Kyo in some kind of trouble?”

“He’s—It’s not important,” Die said, and tried to believe it. “Kyo is fine. Everything is fine.”

Unfortunately, as the day went on, Die did not manage to stop obsessing over everything Gara had said. The more he tried to ignore it, the angrier he got. He hardly knew anything about Kyo really. Surely, Gara had known him longer, understood him better. Why was Die so concerned with defending Kyo anyway?

After all, it wasn’t like Kyo ever put that much energy into his relationship with Die. He was always too busy to see him, he would rather stay home than go out with their friends. Everything was always on his terms instead of Die’s; their intimacy moved at Kyo’s pace, their time together went by Kyo’s schedule. Die was the only one being flexible or available at all, and Kyo had never shown that he appreciated it, or that he appreciated _him_.

He didn’t even mention that he wasn’t single on social media. Die would never demand that he make their relationship more public than he was comfortable with, but there was Kyo’s ex, following Kyo’s social media when Die himself had refrained from following in an attempt to be respectful and not crowd him. Had that respectful distance allowed Kyo to _hide_ their relationship?

Maybe he really was ashamed of Die, his “coworker at the supermarket,” as Gara had put it. Maybe he had no intention of staying with Die long enough to necessitate telling anyone about him.

Because the truth was, Die didn’t know if Kyo had talked about him to anyone. Die talked to Shinya and Toshiya, and of course Kyo knew that, but as far as Die had heard, even Toshiya had avoided bringing up the subject of Die to Kyo, worrying that it would have been weird. There was no evidence that Kyo’s relationship with Die existed outside of when they were together.

It made sense, Die supposed, what Gara had said. Naturally, Kyo would have his own patterns that he followed, his own style of finding and using guys that were too head-over-heels for him to complain. Die bristled, thinking about the way Gara had talked about what Kyo had meant to him, calling him a _mentor and a friend_ , someone he trusted, admired, loved unconditionally, and Kyo had thrown that out for his own private reasons, and not even given Gara a chance to solve the problem. After all their time together, he didn’t value or care about Gara enough to even keep his _friendship_.

Gara was right, Die realized. Kyo would probably keep Die, string him along until he left the store, moved up in the world, and then Die would be beneath him, cut off and meaningless.

Die wouldn’t be like Gara, in that he would see it coming, but he doubted that it would hurt any less.

Nothing anyone said to him for the remainder of the shift really penetrated the clouds of murky thoughts filling Die’s mind. Miyavi was making an effort, trying to pull Die out of that place, talk to him about anything that usually brightened him up, but nothing worked. When Miyavi brought up the subject of music, Die shut it down altogether, furious at the mere mention of something that was a reminder of Kyo.

After work he was supposed to go over to Kyo’s place so they could finally watch _The Phantom Menace_ , but Die was hardly in the mood for a movie. He did want to see Kyo, though, wanted to see him and demand some kind of explanation for everything he’d heard from Gara. He left the store without so much as a goodbye to his coworkers, determined to hear Kyo’s side of things, whether he wanted to tell him or not.

 

The drive to Kyo’s apartment went by fast when Die’s mind was so fully occupied with ugly thoughts. Kyo had texted him, friendly, asking his ETA and what he wanted to do for dinner, but Die had ignored it, leaving him on _Read_ purely out of spite.

He couldn’t seem to regulate his emotions at all. All his frustration with Kyo just branched out further and further while simultaneously circling back in on itself. It was what Shinya had said back at the concert; that Kyo didn’t want anyone to know they were together. It was the way Kyo had never even _invited_ Die to follow him on twitter. It was Kyo’s reluctance to spend the night at his place, to carpool with him to rehearsal, to be seen with him anywhere. Even if their intimacy had moved forward, there was too much that Die had never fully addressed.

By the time Die was knocking on Kyo’s door, he could feel the tension across his shoulders, the pressure behind his eyes. This was the wrong state of mind for him to be in when he broached the topic. He needed to calm down before he said anything.

But there was Kyo, opening the door, looking just slightly surprised but pleased to see Die, his oversized sweatshirt reaching halfway down his thighs making him look even smaller and softer than usual.

“Hey!” he said, making room for Die to enter right away. “You never texted back, I didn’t know when you were coming.”

Die didn’t respond, just stepped in and removed his shoes.

There may have been some areas where Kyo was oblivious, but he picked up on Die’s mood without any trouble, smiling fading from his face as he asked, “Is something wrong?”

“Yes.”

“Well… what is it?” Kyo was already wrapping his arms protectively around himself.

Die had had plenty of time to think about where he wanted to start this conversation, so he was sort of startled to find that what came out of his mouth first was, “Why didn’t you ever tell me you were going to quit working at the store?”

Kyo’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “What?”

“When were you going to tell me?” Die said, since apparently that was what he was leading with. “I knew you were looking for fashion work, but I didn’t realize it was because you hated your job so much.”

“It’s… not,” Kyo said. “That is, my wanting to break into the fashion industry has literally nothing to do with the job I have now. My leaving the store would be a _byproduct_ of a better gig, not the main objective.”

“Better gig,” Die repeated disdainfully. “Guess all us retail workers aren’t good enough for you, huh?”

Kyo shook his head helplessly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“So were you ever planning on telling me, or was I just going to find out when you fucking ghost me, leave me behind as part of your lower-class life?”

“ _Die_ ,” Kyo said, backing up a few steps, towards his kitchen. “I—Where is all this coming from, what are you—?”

“I was talking to _Gara_.”

Somehow, Kyo’s face fell even further. “You were?”

“He gave me some insight,” Die said. “Things I probably should have figured out about you myself.”

Kyo stood still, didn’t say anything, even to ask what Gara had told him.

“It all makes a lot more sense now,” Die said. “I’d always wondered why you were so keen on keeping our relationship private almost to the point of secrecy, but it falls into place when I realize you were always planning on it being a purely temporary fling.”

“I haven’t been planning anything about it one way or the other,” Kyo said in a small voice.

“Don’t bullshit me,” Die snapped. “Gara knows you, better than I do. He told me that’s basically your MO, pretending to care about someone and then dropping them on a whim.”

Die could see the shutters closing behind Kyo’s eyes, their usual depths suddenly hidden, as he raised his chin to face Die’s tirade head-on. It made Die angrier, that Kyo wasn’t getting more visibly upset at his words.

“So why did you do it?” Die demanded. “Why did you break up with Gara like that, why did you cut him off without warning?”

“I told you before,” Kyo said.

“Sure, you told me some shit about how he _looks_ at you. Because he fucking _loves_ you,” Die said through gritted teeth.

“I know.”

“And it just means nothing to you? Are you seriously that unfeeling? He told me, he would have done _anything_ for you, and you didn’t even give him a chance. You left him with nothing and you didn’t even care!”

Kyo stood there, his chin still defiantly raised, though he wasn’t quite meeting Die’s eyes anymore. “I know.”

Die was about ready to pick something up and hurl it at the wall out of pure frustration. He kept his hands clenched into fists at his sides. How could Kyo keep so calm? Was he honestly that remorseless about the whole thing? “You _know_? What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means I know that he would have done anything for me,” Kyo said. “I know that I hurt him. I told you when you wanted to know about him before, I’m an asshole and I broke his heart. You’re right.”

Die was shaking, his eyes not focusing properly. Gara was right about everything. Kyo didn’t care about anyone and he would do the same thing to Die if he stuck around long enough to give him the opportunity.

“I can’t be here,” Die said, already moving towards the door.

“Okay.”

The fact that Kyo still hadn’t raised his voice had Die more pissed off than any of the rest of it. He put on his shoes, and went out without another word, slamming the door behind him. Kyo didn’t try to stop him.

Die made it back to his car in a kind of rage-fueled daze, and belatedly realized he was crying as he sat there staring out the windshield for several long minutes before he could pull himself together enough to drive.

He didn’t know exactly where to place the blame as far as who had just completely fucked things up, but he knew he was spending the night alone, lying dejectedly in his cold bed, instead of pressed up alongside Kyo, watching _Star Wars_ , and there was no way that wasn’t evidence of a failure on his part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, I'm not that nice to Gara in this either, heh sorry.


	30. Chapter 30

Things were a little clearer in the light of day, but not in a good way. Die had the worst hangover he’d ever had without drinking, and even though he didn’t have to go into work until the afternoon, he considered calling out sick.

He decided against it in the end, only because he knew he deserved the punishment of suffering through the work day.

He was still upset with Kyo, but in hindsight he could recognize that he had well and truly fucked up. Kyo might have been responsible for his own parts of it, but basically everything about how Die had handled the situation had been wrong, and Kyo hadn’t had control over that.

For the first couple hours of the shift, Miyavi seemed afraid to make conversation. Die wanted to tell him he’d shaped up to be quite a decent cashier, but he could feel the tension heavy in the air and noticed how Miyavi was doing his utmost to avoid eye contact with him.

That was Die’s fault, too, he knew. In his untethered emotional state he had lashed out unfairly at his trainee, made the work environment that he’d always loved for its easy, casual atmosphere uncomfortable and stress-inducing.

He would owe Miyavi an apology—a proper one, probably involving alcohol of some sort—but he wasn’t up for it yet, because the ugly truth was that Die was _still mad_.

Even through the lens of the day after, clearly able to see that he was wrong to go charging into Kyo’s home and verbally attacking him, he couldn’t shake the fact that Kyo’s lack of response had only proven the point of what had made him so angry to begin with: Kyo didn’t care.

It was strange because it was something Die had thought about Kyo before he’d gotten to know him. He’d thought he was cold and disinterested and he’d learned that he was wrong. Now he thought he’d been doubly wrong. It was confusing.

Somewhere around the midpoint of the shift, Die generously gave Miyavi a break from his awkward company.

“Think you can hold down the fort for a bit?” he said, and hoped he was imagining how Miyavi seemed to flinch at his voice. “I have to go to another department, but if you have an emergency you can come find me.”

Miyavi looked wary. “Where will you be?”

“Probably Toys,” Die answered. “I might go up to the front if I need to.”

“But you’ll be back?”

“Yeah, shouldn’t be too long.” Die gave him a smile that he meant to be encouraging. “You’ve got it handled here, right?”

Miyavi nodded, gave a stiff little bow, and Die left him alone.

Shinya actually looked surprised to see him as Die came trudging mopily into his department.

“What happened to you?” he asked, screwing the lid back on his bubbles. “You never come over here anymore and then you show up like this? Is everything all right?”

“I fucked up,” Die said straightforwardly.

A crease of worry appeared between Shinya’s brows at once, and he led Die down a less frequented aisle where they kept the paints for model-building. “What happened?”

The specifics were a little hard to put into words. Die didn’t know where to start. “I’ve… been feeling a lot of stuff, about Kyo, I guess.”

“Okay,” Shinya said. “What kind of stuff?”

“Um. Insecure, maybe,” Die said. He felt his hands itching to fidget and slid them into the back pockets of his pants. “A lot of small things have been stacking up for a while, but I didn’t really realize that’s a thing I was feeling.”

“So then what did you do to mess things up?”

Die chewed his lip. He knew it was going to sound bad, no matter how he phrased it, and Shinya was going to scold him, but if he wanted that sweet, sweet Shinya wisdom, he would gave to accept that Shinya judgment as well. “I talked to his ex.”

Shinya’s eyes flew wide. “ _What_? You talked to Kyo’s ex? Why would you do that?”

“It wasn’t planned,” Die said. “I wouldn’t ever have sought him out or something, he just showed up at the store, and he started _talking_.”

“But surely you know better than to put stock in something you hear from someone’s ex.”

“Right, except… I don’t know, what he said kind of made a lot of sense?” Die didn’t dare look at Shinya’s face. “I know he was saying it from a bad emotional place, but so much of it lined up with the same insecure thoughts I was already having, and I got…”

“You got what?”

“Mad,” Die said regretfully. “Like I couldn’t help it.”

“And now you don’t know how to talk to Kyo without expressing this misplaced anger?”

Die paused again. That would have made sense, would have obviously been a better time for him to consult Shinya— _before_ talking to Kyo at all. He wished he was the type of person who thought ahead.

“Die,” Shinya said. “Did you speak to him already?”

“I don’t know if I’d call it ‘speaking’ so much as going to his house and chewing him out…”

“You didn’t.” Shinya looked pained. “When was this?”

“Last night. But—Really, it only pissed me off more to talk to him,” Die said, starting to feel defensive. “Everything I said, he just stood there and took it, he wouldn’t deny it or defend himself or argue, he just… agreed.”

“What did he agree with?”

“He agreed that he… broke Gara’s heart, even though Gara loved him beyond reason. He agreed that he’s unfeeling.”

Shinya frowned deeply. “Do you really believe Kyo is unfeeling?”

“Based on that story—”

“Based on what you know of him,” Shinya said. “Kyo, who drains himself of his blood, heart, and soul for his creations; who never fails to help out his coworkers, even in a job that isn’t fulfilling for him; who has trusted you with more of himself than I’ve seen him do with anyone. Do you think he—what, doesn’t _care_?”

“He doesn’t list himself as ‘in a relationship’ on social media.”

Shinya raised an eyebrow. “He doesn’t even show his real _face_ on social media. Kyo is really private about things like that. Is this one of the things making you insecure?”

“One of many,” Die grumbled.

“Since you two started dating, Kyo has opened up to you so much,” Shinya said. “It’s hard for him. I don’t know many details, or much background, but for whatever reason, he’s never been good at trusting people.”

Die did know some of the background, and the idea that there was something he knew about Kyo that Shinya didn’t made him feel both better and worse. That was one of the things he’d opened up about, after all, and Die hadn’t valued it as much as he should have.

“He might not show it in the exact way that you do, or the way you expect, but I don’t think you really believe he doesn’t care,” Shinya said. “If anything, he probably has the problem of caring _too_ deeply.” A couple with two children appeared at the end of the aisle and Shinya kept his eyes on them from afar. “I don’t suppose you’ve talked to him today?”

“He’s off again today,” Die said. He swallowed, not wanting to say out loud the other thing he was most worried about. “I… I don’t know if we broke up.”

“Do you want to break up?”

Die shook his head. He didn’t want to, not really; he just wanted to know how Kyo felt about something once in a while, not because he was guessing or because he could figure it out logically, but because Kyo _told_ him.

“How did you leave things last night?” Shinya asked.

Die didn’t even want to think about it. “Badly,” he said. “He was so—he wasn’t mad. He just let me leave.”

“You would have preferred for him to fight you.”

“Not  _fight_ maybe, but it was the same—like he didn’t care I was leaving,” Die said. He knew it wasn’t a good reason to be upset. He couldn’t try to manipulate Kyo into caring about him and get bent out of shape when he didn’t react the way he wanted.

“I think it’s more likely that he didn’t want to get in your way when you were already worked up,” Shinya said reasonably. “If you were already angry when you first came in, he was probably just trying to keep from escalating things.”

That made sense, of course, and Die could hardly fault Kyo for trying to stay calm, and for trying to let Die do what he apparently needed to, like leave.

“What am I supposed to do now?” Die wondered miserably.

“I don’t know how much I can help you there,” Shinya said.

“He probably won’t even want to speak to me,” Die said. “I wouldn’t. I was such a dick. And worse, it was like I went in there _wanting_ to hurt him, it made me more mad that he wasn’t getting sad or angry.”

“I don’t know,” Shinya said. “I don’t think you wanted to _hurt_ him so much as you wanted a visible reaction that you could classify and respond to.” He laid a hand on Die’s shoulder in a rare comforting gesture. “I don’t think you need to be quite so mean to yourself.”

The words hit Die like a punch to the gut, so eerily similar to the ones he’d spoken to Kyo when he’d first opened up to Die about his breakup with Gara. Kyo had always felt guilty about how things had ended there, had always cared, and Die had brought the same old guilt trip up again to make him feel worse about it. The degree of his assholery was rather impressive.

“You should talk to him,” Shinya said. “If that wasn’t obvious.”

It was, but Die still nodded. He was scared to talk to Kyo after what he’d already said, but if nothing else, he had to apologize.

Speaking of apologies, Die said, “I’m afraid I was also terrible to Miyavi.”

“Your trainee?”

“He’s always so friendly and trying to talk to me, you know, but yesterday I think I kind of snapped at him,” Die said. “I don’t feel like I know him well enough to properly make it up to him.”

“How well do you have to know him to just say you’re sorry for being rude?”

“I should make it up to him,” Die said, shaking his head. “We should take him somewhere. I didn’t let Toshiya invite him last time we went to karaoke, we should go.”

“Uh, sure, if he wants to. Have you asked?”

“Of course not.”

“Right. Keep me posted on that then, I guess.”

Die felt suddenly moved and threw his arms around Shinya. “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he confessed.

“Hmm, well, neither do I,” Shinya said. “You’re a mess. Now go back to work.”

Die nodded, sniffed, and released Shinya to tend to his customers. “I’ll let you know how everything goes,” he promised, though he knew Shinya wasn’t worried that he wouldn’t.

He was still reluctant to get back to Spirits and face Miyavi, so Die took a detour past the front of the store, just checking if anyone needed help with anything.

He encountered Kaoru who looked sort of confused to see him so far from his home base. “Did I call you up to the front?”

“No, I was just… giving Miyavi a chance to handle the counter solo,” Die said. “Thought someone up here might have some task that needed doing.” 

“Hmm, normally we would, but it’s actually been pretty uneventful,” Kaoru said thoughtfully. “The main dilemma I’m having is with tomorrow.”

“Why, what’s tomorrow?”

“Two of my cashiers have called out sick already, including shift lead.”

Die’s heart hiccuped uncomfortably. “Kyo called out?”

“Unn,” Kaoru said, flipping a page to examine the next day’s schedule on his clipboard. “He calls out so rarely I was worried at first, but I think between the store and rehearsals he’s just been working himself a bit hard and came down with a cold. I told him to get some rest.”

“He didn’t mention anything to me,” Die said.

“No, but I guess we should appreciate his staying home so he doesn’t get the whole band sick,” Kaoru said. “You’re already working tomorrow, aren’t you?”

Die nodded. “I think it’s Miyavi’s last official training day.”

“Ah, right. That’s good. I would have asked if you wanted the extra hours to work a sub shift as a cashier.”

“Yeah, well, I would have declined anyway.”

“That’s fair,” Kaoru said. “Do you feel like Miyavi is ready to come up to the front lanes then?”

Die thought about it for a moment and nodded. “He’s come a long way.”

“Then I’ll have him cashier tomorrow.” Kaoru made a note on the schedule. “Can you inform him of the change when you return to your department? Today will be his last day of training. If he has any questions, he can find me.”

Die started his trek back to his work station feeling somewhat worse than he had. Kyo was sick? He’d just seen him the night before and hadn’t noticed any cold symptoms. Then again, he’d been more focused on yelling at him for failures in his past relationships than in observing the state of his health.

So either Die was a shitty person/boyfriend who didn’t bother noticing when someone was ill, or Kyo was unwell for some other, more psychological, reason and unable to come to work, or to even tell Kaoru what the real problem was. Was it Die’s fault? Could he have triggered some extreme emotional distress that would require Kyo to stay home from work? Was Die the literal worst person alive?

He fitted his smile back into place as he approached the Spirits register, and was pleased to see Miyavi looking a little less afraid of him.

“How’d everything go back here while I was gone?”

“Great, actually,” Miyavi said. “That one regular came in—you know, the kinda grouchy old man who always complains and you can’t tell if he’s kidding or what?”

Die recognized the description as one of the customers he generally saw at least twice a week. “Yeah?”

“He asked where you were,” Miyavi said. “But then he said, ‘well, I guess you’re okay, too,’ and it may well have been the highest compliment I’ve ever received.”

Die laughed. “Well-deserved, no doubt about it.” He leaned his hip against the counter. “In all seriousness though, you do deserve high compliments. I’m really proud of you and the progress you’ve made.”

Miyavi gave him a doubtful look. “It’s just cashiering.”

“I know, but—you’re good with the customers, and that means something,” Die said. “And yeah, so I wanted to apologize, for being a dick before.”

“About the sandwiches?”

“About the—oh my god, _no_ , not the—are you kidding me?”

“Just tryin’ to ease the tension.”

“You understand where I was coming from about the sandwiches, right?”

“No, yeah, I get it,” Miyavi said. “And I know you really mean to apologize for yesterday. But it’s no big deal.”

“I shouldn’t have taken my bad mood out on you, though, it was unprofessional and just not cool of me.”

Miyavi shrugged. “I just didn’t know what was going on. Who was that guy?”

Die still didn’t think he ought to go spilling Kyo’s personal business, especially not in the workplace, so he said, “The gist of it is that he’s been bothering Kyo, coming to the store looking for him, when Kyo hasn’t invited him to do that, and since I turned him away another time I saw him, I thought this time he needed to be turned away a bit more _firmly_.”

“And that’s why you were so upset?”

Die wobbled his head side to side. “He said some stuff that just really pissed me off, and I reacted badly. But he’s not worth it.”

“Wow, you’re so protective of Kyo,” Miyavi said. “I didn’t realize you were that close.”

“Did you really not?” Die said skeptically. “I kinda thought you’d noticed we’re, you know.”

Miyavi’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh! Wait, you’re—? Ohh, I see.” He grinned. “Aww, I didn’t know that!”

“All right, all right,” Die said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“That’s romantic then, you standing up for him!”

Die’s heart sank. He knew the way he’d acted was really anything _but_ romantic.

“What’s that face?” Miyavi said. “Did that guy—is everything okay with you two?”

Die wanted to be amused at how quickly everyone he knew became invested in his relationship with Kyo, but he was busy reflecting on how he’d damaged said relationship, possibly beyond repair. “I guess, no. Everything’s not really okay right now. You’re not the only one I was an asshole to when I was in my bad mood.”

Miyavi didn’t press for details, just nodded sympathetically. “Have you gotten to talk since then?”

“No, and now I guess he’s sick,” Die said. “Oh, right. You’re cashiering up at the front tomorrow.”

Miyavi pointed at himself, surprised. “Me? Why?”

“They’re short-staffed, and I think you’re ready,” Die said. “Today is officially your last day of training. Congratulations.”

“I don’t even have a speech prepared.”

“I think you’ll do well up there.”

Miyavi smiled. “Thanks. I’ve actually had a lot of fun learning the ropes back here with you though. And I hope… I really hope things work out with Kyo.”

“So do I,” Die said. He couldn’t stand to think of the alternative.

They dropped the subject and tried to enjoy the remainder of their last shift working together like this. Die gave Miyavi some pop quizzes to keep him on his toes and ready for the real world, and laughed more than he’d thought he could with so much anxiety still sitting heavy in the back of his brain. He tried to take it as a sign that there was hope for any bad blood to be overcome, that he could be forgiven.

Because truly he needed that hope more than he wanted to admit.


	31. Chapter 31

Two days later, Die still hadn’t heard from Kyo. He’d texted, asking to see him so they could talk, and gotten no response, not even so much as a, “No.”

It scared him in more ways than one. For one thing he knew Kyo’s breakup style included an abrupt end to all communication. Maybe as far as Kyo was concerned they were really finished and he wasn’t planning on even allowing Die that small dignity of saying out loud that it was over.

Then again, Kyo also hadn’t been at the store. It was unusual for him to miss even one day of work, but he’d cashed in two sick days in a row, and Die couldn’t help but find that seriously worrying.

He checked his phone yet again and found no new messages. He’d have taken anything at this point, just so he could know Kyo was alive and okay. Staring at the screen did not make any new notifications appear.

“Tsk,” Toshiya said as he approached Die’s station, “Texting at work. One day without a trainee and you’re already breakin’ all the rules.”

“I’m not texting,” Die said, sliding his phone back into his pocket. “No texts.” 

“Expecting one from someone?”

“I haven’t heard from Kyo,” Die said. He looked at the six-pack of beer Toshiya had set down on his counter. “You’re off already?”

“Yeah, it’s almost five pm,” Toshiya said. “I’m heading home. When are you done?”

“In about fifteen minutes, I guess,” Die said. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”

He hadn’t been as focused on—well, anything. His mind just flitted from one anxious thought to the next and he could hardly remember a time when he’d known peace.

He scanned Toshiya’s purchase, put his birthdate into the computer from memory, and took his payment, all without his usual banter.

”I think I’m going to have to just go see him,” he said as he handed Toshiya his receipt.

Toshiya glanced around, like he wasn’t sure Die was speaking to him, which was fair; he hadn’t been able to hear all of Die’s thoughts so he couldn’t follow along with the part of the conversation that had never made it out of Die’s mouth.

“Kyo,” Die clarified. “Because he hasn’t texted me back.”

“Oh,” Toshiya said. He still looked lost. “When did he text you last?”

“I texted him the night before last and he never replied.”

“Is that unusual for him?”

Die wrinkled his nose. It wasn’t _exactly_ unusual—Kyo was occasionally a very lazy texter—but given the circumstances, Die didn’t think he was being unreasonable or paranoid.

“I just mean, I heard he’s been sick,” Toshiya said. “So maybe he’s sleeping or whatever.”

“Last time I saw him we had a bad fight,” Die explained hesitantly.

“You did? You didn’t tell me about it,” Toshiya said, his expression shifting rapidly to one ofdeep concern. “When? I don’t like to think of you guys fighting.”

“It wasn’t really much of a _fight_ ,” Die admitted. “I was just mad and awful to him.”

“And now he’s not speaking to you?” Toshiya said. “What the hell? What happened?”

Die sighed. He’d been through it all so many times already, he didn’t think he could tell the ugly story again. “You can get the cliff notes from Shinya,” he said. “But I think I’m just gonna go straight to Kyo’s place after work.”

“Is he okay? If he’s sick—how sick is he? What if he’s not home?”

“I don’t know how sick he is,” Die said. “I haven’t talked to him. For all I know, he’s not sick at all, he’s just avoiding me.”

“I can’t see Kyo as that kind of person.”

Die wasn’t sure. He could see Kyo going to pretty great lengths to not encounter someone he really didn’t want to see. He just didn’t want to be that someone for Kyo.

“Well, let me know if I can help with anything,” Toshiya said, hovering like he was afraid to leave Die in such a fragile state.

“I will,” Die assured him. “We’ll talk, and it’ll be okay. Thanks.” He worked up another one of those fake smiles that he had to be getting really skilled at lately. “Don’t worry about me and Kyo. You just enjoy your evening and your beer.”

 

Die repeated his words to Toshiya in his head after he left, over and over, trying to find some comfort in them for himself.

They would talk and it would be okay. That was how it had to be, and the sooner they actually talked, the better.

Still, Die drove a bit slower to Kyo’s place after work than he had the last time he’d gone there. It was strange, being there uninvited. He didn’t know if Kyo wanted him at his home, if he would be willing to speak with him at all, but he couldn’t keep waiting for a text response that might never come.

As he climbed the steps to Kyo’s floor, Die tried to prepare himself for the possibility that Kyo would turn him away. He would be well within his rights, and Die would just have to accept it. He wanted to do right by Kyo this time.

So, after he knocked at the door and got no answer, he was determined to let it go, and to walk away—after he tried knocking just one more time.

There was a long pause, but in the end, the door opened slowly, and Kyo’s face didn’t reveal anything as he looked expectantly at Die.

“I was hoping we could talk,” Die said, since it was apparent that Kyo wasn’t going to speak first.

Kyo shrugged one shoulder and nodded for Die to go on.

“Um,” Die said. He didn’t think it was right to try and have a conversation there in the hallway and he gestured haltingly to the door. “Could we… Would you mind if I came in?”

Kyo just turned, nudged the door open a little wider as he went so Die could follow.

Die didn’t know what to make of Kyo’s behavior. Once inside, Kyo didn’t wait for Die at the genkan, just moved off into the living room, and Die could hear him moving things around while he was still taking off his shoes. Technically he had to admit it wasn’t all that different from how Kyo usually acted. He was often a man of few words, of hard-to-read emotions. Really, he supposed he ought to be relieved that Kyo wasn’t showing obvious signs of distress, that he looked more or less healthy and intact.

Rounding the corner to the living room, Die found Kyo sitting on the floor at the kotatsu, though it was without the blanket since the weather had been getting warmer. Die was reminded of how he'd sat there the first time he’d come to Kyo’s place. As Kyo had said then, talking was hard, and he hated that it was so necessary.

“So, first of all,” Die said, seating himself across from Kyo. He figured he might as well get right to it, since Kyo was willing to hear him out, but might not be for long. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… said any of what I said to you last time, and I just. Yeah.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Kyo said. “You’re allowed to say whatever you want. I’d rather you speak your mind than that you keep that shit bottled up. Besides, it’s not like anythingyou said was really wrong or unfair.”

“It was, though,” Die said. “I shouldn’t have brought any of it up when I was angry, and please don’t say it’s okay, because it’s not.”

Kyo looked down at the tabletop. “It’s partly my fault, though, for making you feel that way. I didn’t mean to hide information from you. I’ve never thought about my leaving the store as having much of an impact on you.”

“How could it not?” Die said. “I can’t even hear keys jangling without my heart skipping a beat, thinking you’re coming.”

Kyo looked at him then, one eyebrow cocked. “That’s oddly specific.”

“It’s just true,” Die said. “And Gara—none of it matters. I should never have dredged something like that up, I was way out of line.”

Kyo nodded solemnly, gaze drifting away again. “Gara… I didn’t break up with him on a whim. I can see how it would have seemed that way to him, but it wasn’t sudden for me at all. With Gara, I always felt so much pressure to live up to whatever he’d hyped me up to be.” He tugged one of his long sleeves down even farther so it completely covered his hand. “At first, I tried to see that as a good thing, like he encouraged me to be the best version of myself, but it just got worse the longer we dated, like I couldn’t meet his expectations.”

There was no point in arguing, but still Die said, “I don’t think that was how he felt about it.”

Kyo shook his head. “It didn’t _matter_. It didn’t matter if he really felt that way or if he actually had expectations for me. The point was that it felt that way to _me_ , and it changed how I felt about him. I couldn’t be comfortable around him because of this pressure, whether it was just in my head or not. I’d tried to tell him, but… It’s hard. And he would laugh it off, say I was ‘perfect,’ or being paranoid, and in the end… I know I hurt him. I put it off for so long, tried to get over it, but I couldn’t stay with him like that.”

Something sank in Die’s stomach. He’d dragged all these painful memories up to the surface, when it wasn’t anything he was entitled to, and now Kyo was having to go through all of it again. He couldn't shake the fear that he would end up making Kyo repeat such a terrible experience. “Do you feel like that with me, too?”

“What?” Kyo looked at him in surprise. “No. I never feel like that with you. I don’t know why, exactly. I guess you always just… make me feel like I’m allowed to be how I am, who I am. Or. Almost always.”

Die didn’t think he’d ever hated himself so much. It wasn’t a direct accusation, but it was more than clear that Die had broken that delicate trust with this recent fight, and all for no good reason at all. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

Kyo shrugged. “I’m not mad or anything.”

“Are you okay?” Die asked carefully. He didn’t want to sound condescending, but he’d have been lying if he claimed he wasn’t worried about Kyo. “You haven’t—Kaoru told me you’ve been out sick.”

“Oh, um. Heh, that’s not totally true,” Kyo admitted. “I have been feeling like shit, but I’ve been missing work more because I had other stuff to do. I had another interview this morning, and I’ve been—well, here, I’ll show you.”

He got up and crossed to the desk in the corner that held his sewing machine. He opened a drawer and pulled out a bundle of folded black fabric, then returned to the kotatsu and held it out to Die.

“Here, it’s finished.”

Die unfolded the fabric to find the outfit Kyo had designed for him. Die had nearly forgotten his promise to make it in time for their next live; outside of taking a few measurements, there had been no real discussion of it, and he’d had no idea that Kyo had been working on it. And yet, here it was, just as detailed and beautiful as it had looked in the original sketch.

The room seemed too dark suddenly, and like the floor was rocking, like a ship on waves. Die tried to focus on the feeling of the fabric in his hands, using the texture as an anchor to keep him from having some sort of panic attack.

While Die had been raging at Kyo, attacking him and trying to hurt him, Kyo had been using his talents to make something so precious for him. Die didn’t deserve it. He couldn’t accept it after how he’d treated Kyo. Shinya was the only person Die ever spoke to with a shred of sense—he’d told him that Kyo simply expressed his care in ways that were different from what Die expected, and it was true. The amount of care Kyo had put into every stitch of the costume in Die’s hands was almost overwhelming.

“I can’t accept this,” Die managed in a choked voice. “It’s _gorgeous_ , but I—you shouldn’t have made something for me, I’m so…”

“I wanted to,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “Please keep it. I’ve been working on it, and I made it for you to keep.”

Die’s eyes were watering from how he was keeping them open, staring at the black of the clothing’s material. His mind worked frantically for a way to fix this. “I’ll pay you,” he said. “Your commission fee. Please let me? How much would you charge for something like this?”

“It’s a gift,” Kyo said firmly. “I don’t want your money. I made it for you because I wanted you to have it. Whether or not we stay together, that’s still true.”

Die’s gaze snapped up to Kyo’s face, and he finally blinked, setting a couple tears free. “Whether—” That was the first thing either of them had really said about the state of their relationship and Die could feel his insides crumbling. “Do you—not want to stay together?”

Kyo swallowed. “I just thought—you were angry, and I understand why, and you think—you think I don’t care about you, or about this...”

Die shook his head. “I was being an idiot. I want to be with you. As long as you still want to be with me, I mean.”

“I do want to,” Kyo said quietly.

“I still feel bad not paying you for your work.”

“Don’t,” Kyo said. “I’ve dated some guys who tried to take advantage of me with stuff like that, and it means a lot that you want to be so sure you’re not doing that, but in this case, it was my choice to make it as a gift for you.” 

Die took a breath, nodded. He wanted to show he respected Kyo’s decisions, even if they were in conflict with his own feelings, but damn, it was hard.

“So then,” Die said, and tentatively laid his hand on the table, palm up in offering to Kyo, “We’re okay?”

Kyo looked at his hand for an unsettlingly long moment. Finally he said, “I can’t promise that I won’t break up with you.” He met Die’s eyes. “Or that I won’t hurt you.”

“I know,” Die said, even if the acknowledgment was a bit like twisting a knife in his gut. “I wouldn’t ask you to promise that.”

“But, I can say that if I do, it won’t be without warning.” Kyo placed his hand in Die’s. “If we break up, I want it to be mutually agreed upon, because we talked about the problem and found ending things to be the best solution.”

“I want that, too,” Die said easily. He squeezed Kyo’s hand, happy to be able to do that, when a couple of hours ago he’d thought their relationship might never recover.

“I’ll be back at work tomorrow,” Kyo said. “Don’t think I need to worry Kaoru any more.”

“Heh, yeah, that guy takes things pretty seriously,” Die said. He wasn’t able to come up with something appropriately witty. He knew their heavy talk was basically over, but he was afraid of what would happen when the conversation ended. He didn’t want to go, didn’t want to leave Kyo in case things went back to being terrible once he was out of his sight. He knew it wouldn’t be right for him to ask to stay the night when things were still kind of fragile, but the thought of trying to go home and sleep without Kyo beside him made him realize he was still crying.

Kyo got up on his knees and came around the table, pressed himself up against Die’s side. “If you want, you can stay for just a little bit? Tell me what I’ve been missing at the store.”

Die was grateful for the compromise, and for the physical contact. He left the bundle of clothing in his lap, like he couldn't let go of it, wrapped his arm around Kyo (maybe too tightly, but Kyo didn’t complain), and told him everything he could think of, about Miyavi’s training, about Kaoru’s schedule stress, about the new haircut one of the cashiers had gotten… It was the most calm he’d felt in a while, and even when he eventually got up and left Kyo with a chaste goodnight kiss, he didn’t have quite that feeling of impending doom that had been following him lately.

And if there was still some small, nagging voice in the back of his head, saying that he hadn’t fixed anything, he could just crank the car stereo a little louder to drown it out.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry this update is late! Somehow I just haven't had time to get to my computer until now.  
> I've really appreciated the variety of emotional responses people have been sharing, and I'm thrilled to have stirred some feelings. Thank you and Love~

The boiling water hissed softly as Toshiya poured it into the styrofoam cup with his teabag, and Die watched it sort of distantly from where he sat with one leg sprawled over the arm of the only comfortable chair in the break room. He’d been sitting there more than ten minutes of his lunch break already, and he didn’t really have any intentions of moving, much less eating lunch, before he had to return to work.

“It’s a little weird to look at me like that if you’re not eating,” Toshiya said, carrying the cup to one of the small tables, where his lunch packed from home was waiting. “Do you want an onigiri? They’re not exciting, but you look kind of… low-energy.”

Die shrugged, tipped his head back against the chair. “I’m okay, thanks.”

It wasn’t completely untrue. Nothing much was wrong, after all. He and Kyo had been on better terms since talking, work was less stressful without a trainee to look after all the time, and the band’s big live was only a month away.

But the fact that Die didn’t especially like admitting was that he still didn’t feel totally all right about everything that had happened between him and Kyo. He knew he’d overreacted, that Kyo cared about things and people, that he needn’t worry so much about Kyo displaying his affection in the same way Die would have, but he still felt like they weren’t exactly on the same page. Die _loved_ Kyo. He’d told him so, and even if he didn’t _want_ to let it get to him that Kyo had yet to return the sentiment, after the fight they'd had, he was starting to doubt that he ever _would_ , and it made him just a little more doubtful of everything Kyo did.

“Maybe you need a vacation,” Toshiya said idly.

“Who has time for that?”

“When did you last go somewhere?” Toshiya asked. “Like, outside the city.”

“I’ve got a lot to do _in_ the city,” Die said. “I’d like to go somewhere, but with how the store’s been staffed, I doubt Kaoru would take such a request well.” 

“Hmm, especially not with rehearsals,” Toshiya agreed. “Maybe after the live.”

“I can’t really think that far ahead right now,” Die said. “I can barely think past the end of this week. One day at a time is enough.”

“So, thinkin’ about tonight’s rehearsal?”

“I can’t believe Kaoru wants to try to screw with the setlist _now_ ,” Die said. “It’s been set for so long, and he wants to switch things around this late in the game?”

Die had had a minor meltdown when he’d first received the text from Kaoru suggesting a change in their setlist. After countless hours spent perfecting one particular solo, Die would have to put it aside and focus his attention on something entirely different, and he still couldn’t imagine the logic behind such a decision.

“Did you express that?” Toshiya said. “It’s not like it’s a dictatorship, Kaoru would probably listen to your difference of opinion.”

“When he’s already made up his mind?” Die scoffed. “Yeah, you can go ahead and try that one out yourself, let me know how it goes.”

“He’s not as stubborn as some people,” Toshiya said, a touch of defensiveness in his voice.

“Okay, neither are mules,” Die said. He checked his phone; his lunch break was almost over, and he’d have to go back out to his work station. But then, he supposed it was only a matter of hours until it was over and he could leave for the day. It was just too hard to do mindless tasks when his mind was so full.

“You’re driving Shinya tonight?”

“We haven’t really talked about it, but I’m assuming so,” Die said. “Did you need a ride, too?”

“Nah, but I’d be willing to drive Shinya if your car is full of Kyo or whatever.”

Worryingly, Die wasn’t completely sure which of his bandmates he’d rather transport. Of course he always enjoyed the time he spent with Kyo, but it never hurt to suck up a bit more of Shinya’s wisdom if he was gifted with the opportunity.

The sheer selfishness of that thought prompted Die to say, “Oh, yeah, you can bring Shinya then, and I’ll drive Kyo. Good thinking.”

He didn’t say more about it, and went shortly thereafter to clock back in and return to work. Since Toshiya had been the first to suggest the arrangement, he didn’t question Die’s attitude towards it, and Die put it out of his head for what was left of his shift.

In doing so, he forgot to actually communicate the plan to the other people involved, and the look on Kyo’s face when Die asked if he was ready to go was sort of endearing in its bafflement.

“I never said I was going with you,” Kyo said, though it was clear he wasn’t _mad,_ exactly.

“Oh, I just. Thought it was convenient,” Die said. “Do you not want to go together?”

“I’m just surprised you didn’t ask me,” Kyo said. “I would rather you asked.”

Die hesitated. It was too late to ask, and Kyo wasn’t angry—but what if he was more upset than he was letting on? What if Die was too stupid to see Kyo’s blatant signs of displeasure? What if there was more to it that Kyo wasn’t saying because they were in front of other people?

This was exactly the problem. Die couldn’t help but doubt Kyo, saw new problems springing up everywhere even when nothing was wrong.

“I’ll ask next time,” Die said. “And if you want to go on your own, you—you can.”

“We can go together,” Kyo said. “Thanks.”

Die opened his mouth to say more, sensed that what was about to come out of it was the start of an argument, and closed it again.

They managed to chat on the short drive to the rehearsal space, mostly about some of the transactions they’d had at the store, casual complaints about how recently the prices of some of the prepared foods had been raised.

“We should just start sneaking the leftovers from the back, like Miyavi,” Die said. “He’s not still eating sandwiches up at the front, is he?”

Kyo frowned. “Which one is Miyavi?”

“What!” Die turned to him, shocked. “My trainee! Tall, gangly, thought you were yakuza.”

Kyo started laughing, “The new guy with the lip piercing!”

Die didn’t really want to refer to him that way, since he’d stated at various points his fondness for lip piercings, but he nodded. “That’s the one. He’s not really new though. I’ve been training him for the past couple weeks, and before that, he worked in the back.”

“Lucky,” Kyo grumbled. “Why the hell would he wanna come out on the floor?”

Die shrugged, pulled into a parking lot down the street from the studio. “Maybe he can get better hours.”

Kyo made a dubious noise, but didn’t argue.

Die turned the car off, and sighed as he once more remembered the setlist change that was stressing him out so much.

Kyo raised an eyebrow at the sound. “Not excited for practice?”

“Still mad about Kaoru cutting that one song.”

“Which one did he cut?”

“‘Red,’ with the solo that I spent forever polishing.”

“What?” Kyo’s whole face darkened. “He didn’t even ask me. That’s bullshit. I know how hard you worked on that solo, and we should decide these things as a band.” He shook his head. “I’m gonna talk to him,” he said, already throwing his car door open.

Die felt a rush of affection for this angry little man, so passionate about the injustice of Kaoru’s decision that he was already power walking away from the parking lot. Die hurried to get a ticket from the lot’s machine, and followed after Kyo.

By the time Die came into the rehearsal space, Kyo was well into an argument with Kaoru, which wasn’t something Die had particularly witnessed before. Kyo’s voice wasn’t raised, but he was gesticulating more than usual, and even if Die couldn’t make out the distinct words, he could see he was using a lot of them.

He supposed Kyo himself must have a strong preference for the song Kaoru wanted to cut; he wasn’t of the belief that all this drama was on his behalf, but still the more he watched Kyo scowling at Kaoru, his posture somehow relaxed but intimidating, he thought he could actually _feel_ himself falling deeper in love with him.

When Toshiya and Shinya came in a moment later, they hovered near Die to watch the scene before them. Kaoru had already tried to shut Kyo down and walk away once, only to have Kyo calmly shake his head, and stand in front of him again with his arms crossed.

“See,” Toshiya whispered. “I told you there was someone more stubborn than Kaoru.”

It went on another several minutes before Shinya cleared his throat loudly and got everyone’s attention. 

“I don’t feel like paying for the space just so you two can bicker,” he said plainly. “Let’s get on with rehearsal and you can continue in your free time.”

“We were just finishing anyway,” Kyo said with a glance in Kaoru’s direction.

“It appears… there is some disagreement about the setlist,” Kaoru said with obvious reluctance. “We’ll need to revisit it and vote on some things.”

Kyo flashed Die a triumphant grin, and Die very nearly dove across the room to haul him in by the front of his shirt and kiss him in front of everyone.

The only person unhappy with the results of the vote was, naturally, Kaoru. The rest of the band agreed that it made no sense to refocus their efforts on another song instead of the one they’d been practicing all along.

With that established, rehearsal ran smoothly. Even Kaoru couldn’t argue with the fact that the song sounded badass, one of the best of their repertoire, and the whole group was laughing and enjoying themselves when they got around to taking a break.

Kyo went out for some air rather than stripping out of his shirt, and Die was left alone with Toshiya, looking wistfully at the door by which everyone else had gone.

After a beat, Die asked, “How do you manage it?”

Toshiya looked around, though there was no one else Die could be talking to. “Manage what?”

“Unrequited love,” Die said. “Coming here and being around Kaoru, knowing he doesn’t feel for you what you do for him.” He looked over at where Toshiya was sitting against the mirrored wall. “Or have you moved on?”

Toshiya shook his head. “What choice do I have but to manage? I’m not immune to reality, but it doesn’t mean the life I want to live won’t bring me around him all the time.” The corners of his mouth drew down. “Why are you asking? Is something… Are you okay?”

“I love Kyo,” Die said, the words heavy as they fell from his mouth.

Toshiya’s eyes stayed patient, gentle. “I know.”

“He doesn’t love me, though,” Die said, attempting a sardonic smile. “I don’t know if he ever will, and sometimes…”

“Sometimes what?”

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m enough,” Die said. “If loving him is enough. We fought, and we made up, and I still never saw him really upset about it. Doesn't that mean it doesn't mean that much to him?  I have to wonder if I’m just making it all harder for myself, when I know at some point he’s gonna be finished with me. Not that I can just switch off the fact that I’m in love with him, but maybe I need to stop waiting around for him to love me back.”

Toshiya was quiet for a few seconds, then said, “Okay, you can feel free to tell me to butt out or that I don’t low what I’m talking about, but… you guys haven’t been together all that long, right? I know you'd already been staring at him a while before you started dating, but different people take different amounts of time and closeness to process that kind of feeling. Kyo not having said he loves you to your face doesn’t mean he never will.”

It was the kind of _stop-being-an-idiot_ pep talk Die was accustomed to receiving from Shinya. That he now had Toshiya giving them to him as well was pretty embarrassing.

“Having said that,” Toshiya continued, “Are you… happy? I thought you’ve been more tired lately, but if this is really what’s eating at you, the reason you’re up in your head more often than not… Not that all relationships are all sunshine and ice cream trucks, but they’re supposed to be something positive, and if Kyo makes you unhappy more than he makes you feel _good_ , then maybe it just. Isn’t a good match.” He bit his lip, clearly worried about how Die would respond.

He didn’t get to find out, because as it happened, that was when Kaoru and Kyo came back in from outside. In spite of how they’d been fighting earlier, Kaoru was laughing at something Kyo was saying, and Die managed to be surprised once again at Kyo’s ability to communicate with people in a variety of ways, yet remain difficult for anyone to truly know. Kyo looked over and met Die’s eyes, a smile still on his face, and Toshiya’s words prickled at the back of Die’s neck. _Maybe it just isn’t a good match_.

As soon as Shinya returned from break, they started the rehearsal back up, but Die didn’t stop thinking about what Toshiya had said.

Maybe he was right; before anything with Kyo, Die had been relatively carefree, had hardly ever spent long hours agonizing over the minor details of every interaction he had with someone. But he hadn’t known Kyo then either, and he didn’t think he’d willingly give up the experience of getting to know him.

He kept thinking about it as they ran through their last song of the evening. Did Kyo make Die unhappy? Could Die really put the weight of his own potentially fragile emotional state on another person?

The lyrics of the current song rang loudly in his head as he went on playing the guitar. It was one of their softer songs, though that really wasn’t the right word for it. The words, like most of Kyo’s words, bore significant pain, regret, but in a strange, backhanded way, there was hopefulness there, too; not optimism, but the acknowledgment of possibility, and it tugged at Die’s heart more than he expected, since he didn’t usually focus too hard on the lyrics.

It hurt. It was _supposed_ to hurt, and somehow it didn’t feel _bad_. As Die watched Kyo commit to that message, his eyes closed, head tilted back as he sang, he knew that whatever sense there was to what Toshiya had said, it just wasn’t the case. Die was happy, seeing Kyo like that, seeing him passionate and lost and beautiful, seeing him joyful in his art. Outside the band, too, he got to see sides of Kyo that no one else did, felt _special_ when he was with him. He wanted to see Kyo in those intimate moments for as many years to come as possible, and the very idea of getting to made his heart swell with happiness.

For the moment that could be enough.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting some fluff back into their liiives~

Die spent a few moments just watching Miyavi’s cashiering from a safe distance, curious to see how he did without someone looking over his shoulder. There was a sense of pride when he found that Miyavi was doing great on his own.

It was a totally different style from Kyo’s silent efficiency, but Miyavi’s guests tended to leave his register with smiles on their faces, and Miyavi maintained his improbable energy even several long hours into his shift.

Then a foreign couple was approaching, and despite the fact that Die had already clocked out for the day he was ready to step in—only to find Miyavi speaking (far from perfect, but still passable) English to them. He got them through his line without calling for help and Die couldn’t deny that he was impressed.

He waited until the couple left before sauntering over to lean against the end of Miyavi’s lane. “I didn’t know you spoke English.”

Miyavi looked up in embarrassed surprise. “Oh! I mean, I don’t really. I’m learning.”

“That looked pretty decent from what I saw,” Die said. “You actually studied in high school, or what?”

“More like I’m studying now,” Miyavi said, laughing. “There’s, um. Well, there’s this girl I’ve been seeing, she’s American. I mean, Japanese-American, but I want to be able to speak English to her.”

Ah, naturally, what better reason to learn something than for love?

“She’s really something else,” Miyavi went on. “Like, I’d never thought much about getting married before, but I basically can’t _stop_ thinking about it now; being with her forever, raising kids together…”

Die’s eyebrows rose. He thought of Miyavi as just a kid himself, and here he was with plans for settling down? Was that something Die should have been thinking about, too? “Wow, guess you guys must be pretty serious.”

“I hope so,” Miyavi said. “I know how I feel about her anyway. We’ll have to wait and see if she’s as serious about me.”

Die nodded, knowing that feeling all too well.

“So… what’re you doin’?” Miyavi asked. He looked Die up and down, pointedly acknowledging his lack of nametag. “You already off for the day?”

“Oh, yeah,” Die said, pushing some hair behind his ear. “I’m just waiting for Kyo.”

“You guys have a date?”

“We’re supposed to be watching _Star Wars_ ,” Die said. It almost felt cursed to say it out loud, like if he mentioned their intention by name, the plan would end up falling through, yet again.

“The new one?” Miyavi said, perking up.

“Um, I’m not that familiar with the series,” Die said. “Kyo said we had to start from the beginning.”

“As in the original trilogy or _Episode I_?” Miyavi said.

Kyo showed up just then, answered for Die easily, “After some consideration, I decided we should start with _Phantom Menace_.”

“When you say you’re ‘not familiar,’ what exactly do you mean?” Miyavi said, turning back to Die with narrowed eyes. “You’ve _seen_ them before, right?”

“So, Kyo,” Die said loudly, to get the attention off himself, “Did you know Miyavi here speaks English? He’s got himself an American girlfriend and everything!”

Miyavi started blushing at once. “It’s not—Yes, she _is_ American, but—”

“Did you have to go to the U.S. to find her?” Kyo asked.

“No,” Miyavi admitted. “I met her here. But I’d like to go sometime. I’d like to live there, I think.”

Kyo made a face.

“You wouldn’t want to live in America?”

“No way,” Kyo said. “I don’t even want to travel abroad for a visit.”

“You might have to, if your fashion career takes off,” Die pointed out. “Or if our band becomes some huge hit.”

“As long as I get to come back to Japan at the end of it,” Kyo said. “Our country has its share of problems, but I’d take them over somewhere else’s.”

Die saw an elderly woman making her slow way over to Miyavi’s lane, and nodded towards her. “Looks like you’re getting company.”

Miyavi looked. “Ah, yeah. You guys have fun with your movie.”

“Thanks!” Die said, and hurried after Kyo, who was already walking away. He was easy to catch up with, and Die brought it back up as they crossed the parking lot, “Have you ever traveled outside of Japan?”

“Fuck no,” Kyo said, apparently repulsed by the notion. “I hate not knowing what’s going on and I can’t speak English to save my life, much less any other foreign language.”

Die frowned. “But your lyrics have English in them sometimes.”

Kyo smirked. “That’s just ‘cause English is so fun and easy to swear in.” He waited for Die to unlock the car and climbed in. “I’m not delusional though, I know my pronunciation’s shit.”

Die couldn’t argue with that.

“English was just never that important to me,” Kyo said, shrugging. “As long as there’s someone else in the store who can speak it better, I see no reason to apply myself to something I have no skill for.” He cocked his head. “Why is your English so good anyway?”

“I want to be able to talk to English-speaking people,” Die said. He pulled out of his parking space and out towards the street. “I have some family in Hawaii, and friends throughout the U.S. and the U.K..”

“Why do you know so many people?” Kyo wondered.

“I just like talking to new people. I know that’s hard for you to imagine,” Die said, shooting a brief smile in Kyo’s direction. “I did a home stay in California once, just for a few weeks.”

“Really?” Kyo sounded more interested than Die expected. “How was that?”

“California was great,” Die said, remembering fondly. “Sunny, but not humid. It was when I was a high school student though, so I didn’t have that much freedom to explore. I’d like to go back.”

“Your host family didn’t take you to see all the sights?”

“Well.” Die pursed his lips. “My host mother was… kind of insane, maybe? Like. Batshit.”

That startled a laugh out of Kyo. “Oh no! How do you mean?”

“She made me go to this three hour Catholic church service with her, and just cried the entire time,” Die explained. “She kept saying how much she sinned, how hard she tried to be good, but it was never enough to redeem herself?”

“Yikes,” Kyo said with a grimace. “Was this an isolated incident?”

“Not exactly,” Die said. “I was supposed to be studying English in this intensive program while I was there, but every night when I was trying to do my homework, she would sit at the table with me and talk about her husband who had left her.”

“Was there no one else in this house??”

“Just her.”

“Then maybe she was just… lonely,” Kyo said uncertainly.

“Oh, no doubt,” Die said. “She was just also one of the strangest people I’ve ever met. She had this bizarre way of talking, like every observation she made was an earth-shattering educational opportunity, even when she was speaking to other native English speakers. I ended up having to move and finish the last week of my trip with another host family.”

“Sounds like that was probably for the best,” Kyo said. “Man. Didn’t know you’d been through such traumatic experiences.”

Die laughed. “It could have been worse.”

The truth was that he didn’t tell the story very often. It was easy enough to laugh at years later, but when he’d been seventeen and in a foreign country, his dealings with that host mother had been one of the scariest things he’d ever had to go through. It had probably improved his English, though.

“I’m glad you shared it,” Kyo said. “I don’t always feel like you… are comfortable telling me things.”

Die didn’t know where Kyo could have gotten that idea. From his perspective, he was really very open, and Kyo was the one with all the secrets.

He wasn’t completely on top of whatever disgruntled face he was making, or for how long he was making it, because the next thing he was really aware of was pulling into the parking space at his apartment complex and Kyo speaking up.

“I didn’t mean that you should feel obligated to tell me personal stuff more often. I know I’m not really that person for you.”

Die looked at him in confusion. “You’re not what person?”

“Your confidant,” Kyo said. “You have so many other friends you can talk to about things, and I think that’s great. I guess I’m envious. You were there with Miyavi today, obviously there’s Shinya.” Kyo unbuckled his seatbelt, but sat fidgeting with the hem of his sweatshirt instead of opening the door. “And at rehearsal you were talking a lot with Toshiya.”

Die swallowed. He wanted to tell Kyo that had been nothing, just unimportant smalltalk, but in fact it was probably just the kind of thing Kyo was afraid it was: serious, thoughtful conversation about Kyo himself and Die’s relationship with him.

“There’s nothing wrong with you talking to anyone—everyone,” Kyo said, looking sort of stressed out about it. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. Shit, I’m sorry, forget I mentioned it.” He climbed out of the car without giving Die a chance to protest, and was already halfway to the apartment building by the time Die caught up with him.

“I don’t—feel bad,” Die said, half-truthfully. “But… is there a reason you brought it up? If something’s bothering you, I’d rather know.”

“It doesn’t bother me,” Kyo said. “I just, with Toshiya… you guys have been talking more lately, haven’t you?”

Die tilted his head, thinking about it. He didn’t think it was actually any more than he talked to Toshiya usually, but maybe he could see how it would seem that way to Kyo, between Toshiya’s birthday and their chats at rehearsal. “We talk,” he hedged.

Kyo nodded, shrugged. “You know, the other day, Kaoru was asking me something about him, if he was into guys.”

Die stopped in his tracks. “Wait, _Kaoru_ asked you that? What did you say?!”

“What do you think I said? I told him not to fucking ask me things like that about people.”

“What!” Die waved his hands uselessly. “Why didn’t you tell him, yes, he is!”

“First of all,” Kyo said, “because I didn’t actually know that for sure, and Toshiya himself has never said it’s something he wishes to be common knowledge.”

Kyo’s disapproving look was nothing compared to Shinya’s but Die still felt hard-hit by the quiet judgment in it.

“But really,” Kyo continued, “What makes me seem like someone to ask that kind of thing? I don’t know shit about anyone and I stay away from gossip to the best of my ability. You must be giving me a bad reputation by association, ‘cause we all know Kaoru would fare much better coming to _you_ with a question like that.”

“Okay, that’s probably obviously true,” Die conceded. “But he never _has_ asked me anything of the sort!” He tapped a finger thoughtfully against his lips as they went up the stairs to his floor, turning back to Kyo once he was unlocking the door. “Was there any _context_ for his asking?”

“None that was apparent to me,” Kyo said, eyeing Die uneasily. “You know, you’re latching onto this a lot more than I expected.”

“Well, I’m just wondering what his motivation was for such a question,” Die said. He opened the door and let Kyo in ahead of him. “But he really just brought it up out of the blue?”

“Not like it was the first time I’ve heard him say something about Toshiya,” Kyo said. “I figured it was just wishful thinking on his part.”

Die stared blankly at him, momentarily distracted from unlacing his shoes. “Are you suggesting… that Kaoru…?”

“What did I just say about asking me those questions?” Kyo snapped.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Die said quickly. “I’ll bring it up with Kaoru directly.”

“I don’t see why you people don’t just do that in the first place,” Kyo muttered, and rolled his eyes. He wandered farther into the apartment, automatically bending to pick up the cat on his way to flop down on Die’s bed.

It actually really warmed Die’s heart to see that Kyo felt so at home there that he could walk in and get comfortable with no real trace of the tension that had so colored their first date. He only took a moment to join him, sitting close enough to press his whole body against Kyo’s side.

“So,” he said, leaning his chin on Kyo’s shoulder, “Did you want to eat first, or just start the movie and take a break if/when we get hungrier?”

Kyo didn’t answer right away, still frowning as he scratched Quila idly behind the ears. After a long while he said, “So Toshiya _is_ into men.”

“Um. I mean, yeah,” Die said, confused. He’d thought they’d moved on from this topic.

“But you don’t get the impression that he’s—with talking to you so much…”

Die was struggling to connect Kyo’s dots. “That he’s…? What, hitting on me?”

Kyo shrugged. “You know him better than I do, so you would know.”

“No, he’s… Toshiya’s attentions lie elsewhere,” Die said carefully. He still didn’t totally get why Kyo seemed so bothered by all of it, but he pressed his lips to Kyo’s shoulder in a soothing gesture.

Kyo looked like he wanted to say more, but he just gave a stiff nod. “Let’s start the movie.”

Die eagerly complied, leaping up to put on the blu-ray Kyo had left there on a previous visit, and then coming back to the bed to sit touching as much of Kyo as he could.

He was sort of surprised by how much he enjoyed the movie. He didn’t always find action and sci-fi to be his thing, but he became invested in the story—lost though he was on some of the politics—rather quickly, and it was made even more entertaining by Kyo’s quiet passing commentary, pointing out important details or explaining plot that went over Die’s head.

It was more than an hour into the film when they decided to break for dinner, but ended up spending twenty minutes just making out with the blu-ray paused before they actually talked about heading to the kitchen.

“Gee, what is it getting you so worked up?” Die teased with his lap full of Kyo. “The droids, or maybe that Jar Jar guy?”

“Hmm, he does bear a certain resemblance to you, doesn’t he?” Kyo said, tilting his head in mock contemplation.

Die had left himself open for that, but he still pouted. “I don’t think my eyes are quite like his.”

Kyo laughed, leaned in to kiss each of Die’s eyelids. “Not quite.”

“I thought we were taking a break for dinner, though.”

“We are,” Kyo said. “But you’ve had your hands on me the whole movie so far, and it’s nice. I feel good, and I want to kiss you.”

Die smiled. “You can always kiss me as much as you want.” After all, he would never complain that Kyo was kissing him too much, and the knowledge that Kyo felt good with him, after how things had been between them not so long ago, kept a happy flame lit in his heart.

Neither of them paid too much mind to how much longer they spent lazily kissing and touching each other before they really got to their feet and went to make some dinner.

They didn’t keep their hands off each other in the kitchen either, but bit by bit they worked together to scrounge up something like a meal, and Die reveled in the domesticity of it all. This wasn’t a part of his relationships he always made it to, but somehow with Kyo, he seemed to be able to have everything. A balance, just as Shinya had hoped they’d find from the beginning.

His thoughts only meandered slightly, to whether he should tell Toshiya what Kaoru had asked about him, or approach Kaoru first, and even that was pushed to the back of his mind by the time dinner was ready and they returned to the other room to finish the movie.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope y'all enjoyed the fluff of that last bit because trigger warnings might be in order for this chapter, so  
> SPOILERS: Self-harm and suicidal ideation ahead, also some emotionally/physically rough sex: Kyo's feeling pretty dark here, and I'm not suggesting that his coping mechanisms are necessarily healthy. I'm not recommending anything here, it's just a fic and these characters don't always handle things perfectly and safely. But they're all just doing their best.  
> Thanks, and if reading about any of this bothers you, please take care of yourselves, too!

Die was feeling better about things than he had in a long while. He should have known he’d feel better if he focused on just enjoying the time he spent with Kyo, rather than sitting around analyzing the time he _wasn’t_ spending with him. Maybe on some level he _had_ known it, but the reminder in the form of an undeniably pleasant night together did wonders.

The only thing was how hard it had been to part ways when morning came. Kyo wasn’t working at the store today, but he had another important interview in the afternoon, and Die had dropped him off at the train station so he could go home and get ready.

“You’ll text later, to let me know how it went?” Die had requested.

Kyo had nodded. “Just don’t expect good news. I might not be good company if you wanted to hang out tonight.”

“That’s such a negative attitude!” Die had said, somewhat disturbed by how readily Kyo anticipated failure.

“Optimism is boring,” Kyo had countered, and then kissed Die on the cheek and gotten out of the car.

Die had been checking his phone more frequently than usual all day, even though he knew it was too early for any update. He knew it wasn’t Kyo’s style, but he still hoped he might text him just for the hell of it, to say hi, or to send him a meme that he thought Die would appreciate. It wasn’t realistic, but it gave him something to fantasize about while he carried on selling alcohol and cigarettes.

Even in his good mood, Die got bored stuck at his work station all those hours on end, so he paid a visit to Shinya and got a face full of bubbles for his trouble.

“I’m sorry,” Shinya said blithely. “The wind must have blown them right in your direction.”

Die’s mouth slanted sideways but he didn’t bother arguing about the lack of wind inside the store. Instead he came over to the Children’s Day display that Shinya had been facing up, and started plucking items down to mess with them.

“This stuff moving pretty fast?” he asked, waving around a little handheld koinobori.

“It always does, with Children’s Day only a few weeks away.”

“And then our gig, a week after that,” Die said, nodding. “Think we’ll be ready?”

“I think so,” Shinya said. “Especially with the extra rehearsals Kaoru wants to schedule. Have you talked to him today?”

“Not really,” Die said, and suddenly he remembered why he would want to. Unless he should bring it up to Toshiya first? To whom did he owe more loyalty?

He took long enough arguing with himself over it that Shinya snatched the forgotten toy out of his hand. “Well then, there’s an idea, maybe you ought to kill time up at the front, pestering him instead of me.”

Die stuck out his bottom lip. “It’s been ages since I was over here bothering you!”

“Doesn’t seem like ages to me,” Shinya said.

Die decided to forego the notion of confronting either Toshiya _or_ Kaoru directly, and to run the issue by Shinya first. “I have something I want to ask you about Kaoru.”

Shinya’s eyes narrowed slightly, the only indication of his piqued interest. “Oh?”

“Has he ever said anything to you about Toshiya?”

“Anything like what?”

“Like I can barely recall any time he’s ever mentioned Toshiya to me, basically at all,” Die said. “Which is kind of strange, when I know how Toshiya feels about him. They’re in the band together, they’re obviously closer than Kaoru is with most people at the store, but I’ve never gotten any impression of his thoughts on the guy.”

“Perhaps Kaoru just isn’t one to talk about people like that.”

“I probably would have thought so, too,” Die said, “except _Kyo_ mentioned that Kaoru had asked _him_ something about Toshiya.”

Shinya’s eyebrows jumped. “Kyo? Why on earth would Kaoru ask him anything?”

Die waved a dismissive hand. “That’s beside the point.”

“I mean, I can see him not asking _you_ anything,” Shinya said as if Die hadn’t spoken. “You’re a decent source of information, but that flows in all directions; he’d have to know anything he said would work its way right back to Totchi.” He frowned. “But _Kyo_? He doesn’t have the lowdown about anyone or anything.”

“I think that’s more or less what Kyo told him, too.”

“Now when you say, ‘asked him something about Toshiya,’ what do you mean exactly?” Shinya said. “Because when you say it the way you did, knowing what we know, there could be some unintended connotation. I do recall one occasion of Kaoru speaking to me about Toshiya’s work habits and leadership skills, but I wrote it off as him thinking that Toshiya was gunning for his job.”

That was something Die hadn’t heard. “Toshiya wants Kaoru’s job?”

“I don’t think so,” Shinya said. “But I’ve heard him express interest in a potential assistant manager position.”

“Well, that’s not the kind of thing he was bringing up to Kyo.”

Shinya was still frowning. “I’m not sure this is something we should be meddling in.”

“You make it sound like dark arts,” Die said. “I just want to help them get together if they’re mooning over each other and don’t realize it!”

“They’re grown men,” Shinya said. “They’re more than capable of deciding themselves whether they’re going to make a move. Besides there’s the work-related power imbalance to consider. Most likely, they would be unable to pursue anything together even if there _were_ mutual interest.”

Die was a little surprised that Shinya had put that kind of thought into it, but he supposed it must be part of whatever post-rejection speech he had ready for Toshiya, for just in case.

“That’s one way to look at it,” Die said with a shrug. “Forgive me for trying to make a little more love in the world.”

“Yes, you seem… cheerful,” Shinya said, his eyes narrowing again.

“Is that a criticism?” Die asked.

“No,” Shinya said. “On the contrary, I’m happy to see your spirits are higher than they have been. Does it mean you’ve worked things out with Kyo?”

“We’ve talked,” Die said. “I don’t know that things are totally ‘worked out,’ but I’ve kind of remembered some of the things about him that make me happy, and that clears up how I think about a lot of shit.”

Shinya angled his head to look at Die like he was impressed. “Did you figure that out all by yourself?”

Die rolled his eys. “Okay, I get it, I’m an idiot and you’re all-knowing.”

Shinya just nodded somberly. “Each man has his burden to bear.”

Die could sense that their conversation had dwindled. “ _Fine_ ,” he said dramatically, and started backing out of the toys department. “I can see when I’m not wanted somewhere!”

Shinya gave him a salute and turned back to his Children’s Day display.

Die headed over to Spirits, checking his phone again as he walked, but there were no new messages. He didn’t really intend to stay at his counter long, figuring he’d tire of the slow pace again shortly, and then go up to the front, because even with what Shinya had said, Die wasn’t convinced that he ought to leave Toshiya and Kaoru’s possible romance in the clumsy hands of fate.

But before he could get to quite that point of boredom, who should come waltzing into his department but Kaoru himself. It was lucky that Die had come back when he did, or he might have been scolded for being away from his register without leave.

However, rather than ask for some favor or give him a work order, Kaoru leaned against Die’s counter and pulled out his wallet, asking for a pack of cigarettes.

It wasn’t unusual for Die to sell him cigarettes, but having Kaoru show up like this, on his break, when Die was already wanting to ask him something personal, made the hands of fate seem a bit more dextrous than Die had thought.

Then again, this sudden appearance meant Die had to think fast if he wanted to say something about Toshiya. “Hey, you have a minute?” he asked as he rang up Kaoru’s purchase.

Kaoru looked at him as if to say, _What do you want?_

“I was just wondering, um, what you think about—Toshiya?”

Die cringed internally. What the hell? That was the best he could come up with as a way to broach the subject?

Kaoru kept looking at him, as if to say, _What the fuck do you mean with that?_

“In the context of—um, just as a guy. A dude,” Die said, and he should have stopped talking before he’d even started. “Like, I think—he’s pretty cool, right? Good-looking, um, fun? A fun… guy?”

“I don’t understand what you’re asking me,” Kaoru said flatly. Then he took his cigarettes and left.

Well, that hadn’t gone very well, but Die wasn’t sure why not. Even if he’d worded his question pretty damn badly, which okay, he still didn’t see how Kaoru could have failed to get what he was asking. If he’d seriously been shaking down Kyo for Toshiya’s personal details, then there should have been _some_ reaction just at the mere _mention_ of Toshiya.

Did Kaoru really have that fantastic a poker face, or had Kyo been pulling Die’s leg with the story from the beginning?

Die dismissed that idea quickly. Kyo could be funny, sure, but that wasn’t quite the manner in which he joked, and Die didn’t see him outright lying about it. He should be more trusting of Kyo anyway.

But then, the way Kaoru had fled the scene certainly indicated that he didn’t want to discuss it with Die. Maybe Shinya was right, and Die had a reputation for spilling secrets, or maybe Shinya was right and it was something Die should stay out of.

Either way, it was looking like Shinya was probably right. Big surprise.

Die stayed in his department for the rest of his shift—except for when he took his break and hid out in the hall by the staff restrooms.

Kyo still hadn’t texted him any update, but Die was impatient waiting to hear from him, so he wrote his own text, apropos of nothing.

**Die** : _All in all I don’t get why everyone hates jar jar so much. Like yeah obvs he’s annoying af, but isn’t he kind of supposed to be?_

**Die** : _And at the very least he’s a noteworthy feat of special effects, right?_

He felt confident that it was bait enough for Kyo to respond as soon as he was able and returned to work with a self-satisfied smile on his face.

To his surprise and dismay, though, he didn’t hear back from Kyo until the very end of his shift, when he was clocking out. At long last, his phone vibrated and he pulled it out to read Kyo’s message.

**Kyo** : _Everything fucking sucks and I wanna kill myself. How do I always manage to fuck things up so badly?_

Another message followed:

**Kyo** : _and your jar jar thoughts are valid._

Die didn’t know whether he should laugh or seriously worry, but he called Kyo as soon as he got out of the store. He never called Kyo on the phone and couldn’t be sure whether he would answer. It seemed unlikely right up until the moment he heard Kyo’s tired, “Hello?”

“Are you home?” Die asked. “I’m just leaving the store, I can head straight there.” Maybe it was too forward, but he didn’t feel much like bothering with niceties like waiting to be invited.

“I’m not going to kill myself,” Kyo said. “I want to, but. I’m not gonna.”

That was a slight relief. Still, “Are you going to hurt yourself?”

Kyo didn’t answer, and Die walked a little faster to his car.

“I’m on my way. Do you want to stay on the line with me?”

“You don’t have to come,” Kyo said in a small voice. “It’s not your job to babysit me every time I have some mental breakdown.”

“I’m already in the car,” Die said. He switched his phone to bluetooth so that Kyo’s voice played through the car speakers. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“I was just… No. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Want to hear about the store? I made a fool of myself in front of Kaoru today, that might amuse you,” Die offered. “Or I could share more of my thoughts on the subject of Gungans…”

“I don’t really feel like talking,” Kyo said. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay!” Die said hurriedly, even though he felt his stomach sinking. If Kyo wanted to hang up, how could he know he’d be safe until he reached him? 

“I’m gonna go,” Kyo said. “I’ll see you when you get here?”

“Yeah, of course,” Die said, trying to keep some smile in his voice. “Just um. Wait for me, okay? I won’t be long.”

The line disconnected, and Die could only hope he’d done enough to delay Kyo’s urge to harm himself.

Die finished the drive to Kyo’s place in silence, poised to accept an incoming call if Kyo tried to get back in touch with him. He made good time and parked in Kyo’s space, dashing up the stairs the moment he got to them.

Kyo answered the door without making Die wait, but he looked seriously disheartened, his baggy lounge clothes only increasing Die’s need to pull him into his arms.

He didn’t hesitate to do so, and nuzzled into Kyo’s hair with a sigh.

“I’m sorry it didn’t go well. I’m here now for whatever you need,” he said. He could feel how tense Kyo was, all stiff spine and hunched shoulders. “What can I do?”

Kyo shook his head. “You’re not responsible for me.”

“Enough of that,” Die said firmly. He pulled back to look Kyo in the eye. “I’m already here, I’m not leaving, and I _want_ to take care of you, whatever that looks like, whether it’s ordering your favorite food, or watching the next _Star Wars_ —”

“Fuck me.”

“F—I—what?” Die said, blindsided.

“That’s what I want you to do, to help me,” Kyo said. “Right now I feel like shit and I can’t really remember anything that doesn’t suck.” He held onto the edge of Die’s jacket, looked down at his thumb rubbing over a buttonhole. “I just want to feel good.”

Die still wasn’t sure it was a good idea. If Kyo was in a dark place, maybe it was dangerous to bring sex into it.

“That other stuff’s not gonna work,” Kyo said. “I’m too—It’s all too soft, too slow. I need.” He paused, biting his lip. “Need you to shove me against a wall and make me behave. Need something hard and fast.”

Die swallowed. He’d never really heard Kyo talk like that and his body was responding to it without his permission. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“It’s not really about that,” Kyo said. “I just. Need some of my control taken away. So you can take care of me.”

He still wasn’t looking at Die’s face, whether out of some kind of embarrassment or just his general discomfort when it came to eye contact.

Die tipped his chin up. “If this is what you want… I need to be sure that you’ll stop anything that happens that crosses a line. I’ve pushed your boundaries without meaning to before, and that’s not something I ever want to do again.”

“You have, but you recognized it and it hasn’t happened since. I trust you.”

“I’ve broken your trust before, too,” Die reminded him reluctantly. “I don’t think you always tell me when you’re hurt by something I do.”

“I don’t hold it against you, that you lashed out at me when you were hurting, too.”

“Still. If I hurt you or you’re not comfortable, promise you’ll speak up. Safeword?”

Kyo nodded. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable either. ‘Red,’ for my safeword.”

“Then that will stop everything. I choose to use the same.”

“Got it,” Kyo said. He gave Die a light shove. “Now?”

It was a bit of an adjustment for Die to make to his mindset. He was pretty used to topping, but a controlling demeanor wasn’t exactly what most people came to him for. 

Closing his eyes, Die reached out and took both of Kyo’s hands in his, held them firm when Kyo tried to pull away. “Don’t push me again,” he said, lowering his voice. 

Without another second of warning, he whirled them around and slammed Kyo against the nearest wall, hard enough to knock the wind out of him, but not to injure him.

“You wanted me to be in charge,” Die said. He stayed close, and pulled himself up to his full height, so Kyo had to tilt his head to look up at him. “So are you going to be good for me, or will I need to punish you?”

“ _Die_ ,” Kyo said, his eyes widening. He struggled in Die’s grip again.

Die leaned in to kiss him, hard and demanding, clearly establishing the dynamic, and Kyo responded with surprising enthusiasm, opening and submitting to Die’s power. Maybe this was something they should have tried sooner.

Letting go of Kyo’s hands, he took hold of his sweatshirt and pulled it off, tossing it aside. Then he grabbed him roughly by the hips, and yanked him in, flush against his body. Kyo was hot against him, and his hands dropped to flatten against the wall behind him, only pushing him farther into Die’s touch.

Die’s mind was still reeling a bit with the knowledge that this was what Kyo wanted, but he did his best to set it aside and to lift Kyo, so he could at least carry him over to the nearest flat surface; it happened to be the kitchen table, and he set Kyo down on it without ceremony.

“Want me to fuck you right here in the kitchen?” he asked as Kyo leaned back on his hands, his legs dangling over the table’s edge.

Kyo shook his head. “Bedroom.”

For a second, Die was going to agree, but something about the challenging look in Kyo’s eyes made him think it was a test, a chance to prove that he was willing to take full control from Kyo.

“Too bad,” he said, crowding into Kyo’s space and reaching down to grope him suddenly.

Kyo moaned and arched into Die’s hand. He was already so hard that Die’s mouth was threatening to water. Slightly breathless, Kyo asked, “Then what are you waiting for?”

“Hmm.” Die feigned contemplation, squeezed Kyo’s growing erection a little harder than was polite. “Just trying to decide if I should fuck your mouth before I bend you over this table… You look so pretty on your knees, bet you could get my cock nice and wet for me, couldn’t you?”

Kyo swallowed, nodded furiously.

There was a lot being offered to Die at once, and he was struggling to process it. Yes, he wanted Kyo’s perfect mouth on his dick, but he had to make sure Kyo was getting whatever he needed from it, too. Kyo wanted to feel _good_ after all.

He worked his belt open and off. “Are you okay with me binding your hands behind your back?”

“Don’t ask, just do it,” Kyo said. “If it’s a problem, I’ll safeword out.”

Die nodded, and set the belt down to use in another minute. He pulled Kyo to the edge of the table by his hips, and had his track pants tugged clear down his thighs when he faltered and froze.

Kyo squirmed, and followed his gaze to a series of cuts on his inner thigh, red and raised-up—obviously new.

“When are these…?”

“I had already gotten started,” Kyo said. “When you called.” He didn’t seem ashamed, but maybe almost confused by the presence of the cuts. He ran his fingers over them, lip caught between his teeth. “I wasn’t… I didn’t mean to hide it from you.”

Kyo shook his pants fully off, leaving him in only his boxer briefs, and Die took a step back, not really paying him any mind. How many other times had this happened that he didn’t know about? Were there scars on Kyo’s body that he’d made during his time with Die, without Die’s even noticing? Die was losing focus, his surroundings becoming fuzzy. He was the second choice in dealing with Kyo’s issue. Kyo wanted the pain more than he wanted anything from Die.

The somewhat familiar feeling of being Not Enough was filling Die’s lungs, his head, drowning out other sound in the room, other thoughts, making it harder to breathe. Even if he got to Kyo as fast as he could, it wasn’t enough to stop him from taking action against himself. Calling him at his first chance wasn’t enough to make Kyo wait for him.

“You’re mad,” Kyo said.

Die meant to shake his head, since that wasn’t exactly what he was feeling, but he couldn’t quite force the movement.

Kyo shifted uneasily, flattened his palm over his thigh to cover the marks. “I… You don’t have to stay. I’m—sorry. If I made you uncomfortable.” It was clear that the words took a great deal of effort, and Die was hit with guilt that he’d made Kyo feel like they were necessary.

“No, _I’m_ sorry,” he said. “I should have gotten here sooner.”

Kyo shook his head. “It’s not on you. It helped, in the moment. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to take responsibility for my bad choices.”

“I still feel bad,” Die said. He was having a hard time meeting Kyo’s eyes. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from Kyo’s hand, still hiding the evidence of his earlier activities. “Seeing you hurt… It hurts.”

It was the wrong thing to say. Kyo’s hand tensed on his thigh, and he didn’t reply. Here Die was, supposed to be helping after Kyo’s difficult day, and he was just making him feel worse.

“What I mean,” Die said, as if he could try to take back his previous remark, “is that I want to help you. I want to—I wish you would call me to come over, _before_ you take it upon yourself to… ease the pain that way.”

Kyo sighed. “I’m broken. I appreciate what you want to do for me, but you can’t _fix_ me, and I don’t want you to feel the pressure of trying.”

“I don’t think you need to be fixed,” Die said. He wondered who in the past had made Kyo feel that way, dimly recalled something similar _Gara_ had said about Kyo being “broken,” and found he couldn’t dwell on it or he’d just get really fucking angry.

There was a pause, where Die looked at Kyo, the rigidity of his shoulders, the way his jaw was set; maybe Die had really screwed things up and it would be better if he just left. Was that what Kyo wanted? 

Rather than try to suss out himself what Kyo was feeling, which never worked, Die asked plainly, “Do you want me to leave?”

It took a few seconds for Kyo to shake his head. “No, I don’t.”

Taking a deep breath, Die stepped closer to Kyo again, rested his hands on Kyo’s hips. “I don’t want to leave either.”

“But you don’t want to have sex anymore.”

Die had to think about that. On the one hand, it was true that his boner had flagged with the topic of discussion, but Kyo was still sitting there, half-naked, and it had been _Kyo’s_ idea for Die to fuck him in the first place. “Do you still want to?”

“You’ll think I’m fucked-up if I say yes.”

“No,” Die replied, moving one hand to tangle in Kyo’s hair. “I think sometimes our bodies have needs, and that having safe, specified intimacy with a trusted partner is probably a pretty healthy way of relieving stress.”

Kyo gave him a fondly dubious half-smile. “You sure know what to say to get a guy’s motor revving.”

Die pulled him forward and kissed him fiercely. “Where’s the lube?”

That seemed to be more along the lines of what Kyo wanted to hear because he moaned quietly, his eyes falling closed. “Nightstand, bottom drawer.”

Die stepped back from the table, but gave Kyo a significant look. “You’d better behave yourself while I’m gone.” He waited for Kyo’s dazed sort of nod before turning and heading for Kyo’s room.

He’d been there enough times that it was no trouble to reach the nightstand, even in the low evening light. There was no time for him to get caught up in second thoughts. Kyo needed something from him, and he wasn’t going to let him down. If Die was the one taking care of him, at least he knew that Kyo would be safe. He cast one slightly mournful look at Kyo’s bed, which would surely have been more comfortable than their designated locale, but _comfortable_ wasn’t exactly what Kyo needed, so he let it go, and grabbed the bottle of lube without further delay.

Kyo, unsurprisingly, had not remained patient in Die’s absence, and when Die returned to the kitchen, he was already bent over the table, his boxer briefs nowhere to be found, working a finger in and out of his hole with only his saliva to aid him.

It was enough to perk Die’s cock right the fuck back up, but he had to keep it together if he wanted to give Kyo what he’d asked for, so he came up behind Kyo and brought a hand down hard on his ass with no warning and with enough force to jostle him forward.

Taking hold of Kyo’s wrist, Die moved his hand purposefully out of the way. “You should have stayed put where I left you. You should have waited for me.”

“I was just helping,” Kyo said. “So you could get started faster.”

“You were just touching yourself without permission, you mean,” Die said sharply. “Are you that much of a needy slut, or did you just want me to walk in on you being filthy, so I’d see it?”

Any momentary concern Die might have had that he was being too bold or shouldn’t have jumped straight to name-calling was gone in an instant as Kyo looked back at him with eyes that seemed nearly black and said, “ _Both_.”

Die smacked Kyo’s ass again, watched the satisfying bounce it gave under his hand, and picked up his belt from where he’d left it on the table. “Guess I should have tied you up before I left the room.” He wrenched Kyo’s arms back to bind them together. “But I didn’t know you were going to be so bad. I thought you wanted to be good for me.”

“I do,” Kyo said, hissing as his arms were pulled uncomfortably. “I wanna be good.”

“More than you wanna be watched?” Die said. “‘Cause I’m pretty sure what you’d like most is to perform for an audience, have a whole crowd watching while I spank you till you cry, or choke you on my dick.”

Kyo groaned, deep in his chest, and his head tipped forward in perfect submission.

Die refocused on his objective: he had to keep Kyo distracted, out of his own thoughts, bring him pleasure to override his pain and negativity. Maybe it was a tall order, but Die _wanted_ to make Kyo feel good, to remind him he could, even when he was hurting, and to remind him that Die was _there_ , and could take care of him.

He didn’t waste another second before picking up the lube and slicking up his fingers. One hand pushed down on Kyo’s back until his chest hit the kitchen table. “I’m the only one who gets to see you like this. I know how badly you want me to fuck you, so show me you can be good and maybe you’ll get what you want.” His fingers found Kyo’s entrance easily and he pressed two inside, faster than he would have normally. He didn’t give Kyo much time to adjust before he was moving, stretching him.

Kyo made no complaint, just swore under his breath and pushed back against Die’s hand to take him deeper.

“So hungry for it,” Die said absently, watching how Kyo’s body opened for him. “Fucking desperate to be stuffed full…”

“Could be fuller,” Kyo commented. Though it was clearly meant as a challenge, his voice was breathy. 

Die could tell he was more affected than he’d willingly admit, and he slapped his ass yet again. “Did I ask for your opinion?”

There was only a brief pause before Kyo quietly answered, “No, sir.”

And Die didn’t really mean to like that quite as much as he did, but there was something immensely gratifying about hearing Kyo answer to him that way; Kyo, who followed his own path and answered to no one, _submitting_ to Die, giving him control. All at once Die was overcome with the need to hear Kyo absolutely _begging_ , and determined that he wouldn’t actually fuck him until he heard him ask very nicely.

“For someone who wants so much, you sure don’t seem to be following directions well,” Die said. He added more lube and a third finger joined the first two inside Kyo. “Why should I reward your bad behavior by giving you what you want?”

Three fingers thrust hard into Kyo and he whimpered, his cheek pressed into the unforgiving wooden table and his teeth biting into his lip.

“Answer me, slut,” Die growled, and jabbed Kyo’s prostate so his mouth dropped open.

“F-fuck, I—I—You shouldn’t, I’ll be good,” Kyo panted. “I’ll be so good, I swear.”

“Yeah? You’ll do what I tell you?” Die rubbed hard against Kyo’s prostate again, until he was keening. “No more backtalk and complaining?”

“No, s-sir,” Kyo said. “I’ll just-just—oh. _Oh_ , fu-uck, _Die_ …”

Kyo lost some lucidity as Die slowly started working his pinky finger in alongside the first three. Die’s breath caught in his chest as he watched so much of his hand disappearing into Kyo’s perfect ass, and the high, strained noises Kyo was making had Die grabbing at his own cock, half-afraid he was going to lose it in his pants.

“Oh god,” Kyo mumbled. “Ohh, _fffuck_ —oh god oh god, ngg— _Die_ , it’s too _much_ I c-can’t—fuckk—”

He sounded close to crying, and Die tore his gaze away from what he was doing to try to get a better look at Kyo’s face. His eyes were shut tight, and there was a deep furrow between his brows. He might have been drooling just a little. “Do you want me to stop?” Die asked.

Kyo shook his head stubbornly.

Die gave a twist of his wrist. “ _Words_.”

“No, sir!” Kyo yelped. “D-don’t stop, until y-you want to.”

Die supposed he could be merciful and slow down or back off, but he really didn’t want to stop until he got Kyo to cum on just his fingers, and if what Kyo wanted was for Die to take charge, then he was going to do it.

He worked up a steady pace, his four fingers moving in and out of Kyo’s body, loud and wet amidst Kyo’s increasingly desperate cries. He was stroking over Kyo’s prostate with deliberate care and Kyo was only growing more and more tense. It got to where Die wondered whether Kyo wasn’t enjoying himself, but then then he suddenly remembered how Kyo had wanted to be told when to cum, even back when he wasn’t asking Die to boss him around, and Die realized Kyo was tense because he was holding himself back.

Die’s free hand slipped around to caress Kyo’s thigh, near but not touching his erection. “Are you close already?”

Kyo nodded guiltily.

“So greedy that you’re gonna cum before I even get my cock in you? That seems awfully rude, finishing before I get a chance… After how nice I’m being to you, you’re going to leave me hard and aching, when you’ve already gotten off?” Die leaned into Kyo, rubbed his still-clothed cock against his backside pointedly. “You gonna be a selfish slut like that?”

“N-no,” Kyo said. “I’m not, I’ll wait for you. You can fuck me whenever you’re ready.”

“Hm, maybe you don't want it as much as I thought.”

“I _do_ ,” Kyo insisted. “I want it, want your cock, stretching me, filling me up.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t let you cum at all,” Die said off-handedly. His fingers drifted up Kyo’s thigh to the crease at his pelvis. “Maybe I should just use you for my own pleasure and let you fend for yourself.”

Kyo openly whined, his hips wiggling. “I’ll be good…”

“Which do you want more, for me to let you cum, or for me to fill you up with my cock?”

“Wh—I—” Kyo paused, a small frustrated noise leaking out before he said, “Your _cock_. _Please_ , please fuck me and fill me!”

The begging was music to Die’s ears, and in return Die wrapped his wandering hand firmly around Kyo’s neglected dick. Kyo tried to squirm away, but Die was relentless and jerked him until he was cumming with a wail.

“No, no, no,” Kyo was moaning as he came down. “Fuck, I’m—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“Shh, shh.” Die leaned in to kiss the back of Kyo’s shoulder as he gingerly pulled his fingers free. “I wanted you to, it was gorgeous. I love making you cum.”

“I was selfish,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “And greedy. Didn’t wait for you.”

“You can just cum again when I get my cock in you, yeah?”

Kyo let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try…” He looked back at Die with wet eyelashes. “You’ll still fuck me?”

“Only if you want me to,” Die said. He carefully unfastened the belt binding Kyo’s wrists behind his back, and squeezed Kyo’s hand.

“I want you to,” Kyo said without hesitation. He squeezed Die’s hand back.

“Give me a second to grab a condom,” Die said. He felt rather silly for not thinking to grab one in the first place.

Kyo shook his head, pulled at Die’s hand. “If—I don’t mind you not using one. If you’re okay with it. I want to feel you.”

Die breathed through his feelings about that. He rolled his hips against Kyo’s ass. “Yeah? Want me deep inside you?”

“Fucking me and filling me,” Kyo said again. “Please.”

Pushing Kyo back down against the table, Die finally freed his cock and slicked it up with lube. He lined himself up and didn’t wait for any more begging or invitations before pushing inside, watching intently as his length slid into Kyo’s relaxed hole. It felt better than he could have even imagined, despite his having done it before. The way that Kyo squirmed back against him and the sounds he made as his sensitive body was used had Die thinking this would be over pretty quickly.

“You’re being so good for me,” Die said with his cock fully sheathed. “Came for me when I touched you, begged so pretty for my cock. You’re so good.”

“‘m not good,” Kyo quietly, his chin tucked almost to his chest.

“I know you’re not talking back to me now,” Die said severely. He grabbed a handful of Kyo’s hair and yanked his head up. “I’m the one fucking you, and if I say you’re good, you’re good.”

Kyo whimpered, shook his head as much as he could with Die holding him. “I’m not, I—ah! I just fuck everything up every—fuck, _fuck_ , every time—”

Die pulled hard, got Kyo’s back pressed against his chest so he could speak into his ear. “Is that what you want? Want me to say what a bad little boy you are, punish you and humiliate you, make you my bitch?”

Kyo didn’t answer, but his head tipped back against Die’s shoulder.

“Too fucking bad,” Die growled, and he thrust into Kyo hard enough to make him lose his balance. He held him tight, one arm wrapped around his chest. “If you really are my bitch like you wanna be, you have to listen to what I say, and I say you’re so fucking _good_ that I almost can’t stand it. Beautiful and passionate and true to yourself in a world where everyone tells you to be someone else. Every day my breath is taken away by how goddamn good you are.” His hand skimmed down Kyo’s chest, his abs, until it could take hold of Kyo’s cock, fully hard again already. “Even right now. Look at you, hard and dripping just from taking my cock… you’re my good boy, aren’t you?” He smeared pre-cum down Kyo’s length. “Answer me.”

Kyo’s voice was small, nervous, “Y-yes.”

“Speak up,” Die said, twisting his hand around Kyo’s messy cock.

“Yes, sir,” Kyo said, louder but still a bit shaky. “I am—I want to be.”

“You _are_ ,” Die corrected him. “Say it.”

“I… I am,” Kyo said. He turned his face to the side, like he could hide against his own shoulder. “I’m good.”

“Fuck yes, you are,” Die said, and he let his hand fall from Kyo’s cock, so he could shove him unceremoniously forward, over the table, and start fucking into him harder. “Say it again, tell me whose you are.”

“ _Yours_ ,” Kyo choked out, his hands scrabbling at the tabletop as he pushed back to meet Die’s thrusts. “F-fuck, I’m _yours_ , your good— _good boy_!”

“So damn good,” Die said. He reached blindly for Kyo’s erection once again and started stroking him as he lost his own rhythm and came with a startled cry, buried in Kyo’s sweet ass.

Kyo was murmuring and writhing helplessly, and then with a final few curse words he jerked against Die’s hand and shot all over the kitchen floor.

The time until Die could think coherently again seemed rather long, but he at least had the sense not to collapse his full weight on top of Kyo. He dragged a chair over and sat down, tugging Kyo to sit on his lap, and he wrapped his arms around him, cradling him against his chest like he could protect him from everything around them.

Kyo let him do it, sat naked and uncomplaining, curled against him as they both caught their breath.

Pressing kisses to Kyo’s neck and shoulder, Die said, “Was that… Are you okay?”

Kyo nodded. “I’m good. You’re… good to me.”

“Did it help?” Die asked. He was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to ask it so directly and immediately, but he wanted the reassurance.

Kyo just nodded again. “Made me feel good, distracted me. I’m all kinda boneless and tired now. It helped.”

“Mm.” Die kept idly kissing whatever skin was nearest to him, his arms keeping Kyo close. He wasn’t ready to move yet, even though they were both a mess and would almost definitely be more comfortable elsewhere.

Kyo didn’t seem to be in any rush to move either, and he laid his hand on Die’s chest, his palm warm and comforting over Die’s heart.

After a long while, Die spoke again, “Do you… have someone else to talk to? Besides me. In these situations.” He felt Kyo tense up slightly and hurried to add, “I don’t mind you talking to me at all, and I’m happy when I can be there for you, but you—you mentioned having a therapist once before, and I don’t know if you still talk to someone…”

Everything went very quiet and Die was worried he’d crossed some boundary he hadn’t known about. He should have known; mental health was a totally private and delicate matter, but he hadn’t thought Kyo had a lot of _shame_ about things like that. Nonetheless, he should have recognized that this wasn’t an appropriate moment to bring it up, and after all he’d just done to bring Kyo some peace of mind, here he was stressing him out again.

“I still have a counselor,” Kyo said, when it had been so long that the sound of his voice made Die nearly jump. “She’s from an online counseling service. We have phone sessions, usually once a week. And I can message her in our password-protected chat session online.”

“Do you do that often?”

Kyo gave a weak little laugh. “Yeah? Like all the time. Especially when I get anxious at work.”

“Did you contact her today?”

“I… was going to,” Kyo said. “It’s. Yeah, it’s stupid.” He struggled just enough that Die released him, and got up out of his lap. He bent right away to retrieve the clothing littering the floor, and pulled on his boxer briefs before he started cleaning up the rest of the mess.

Die scrambled to help him, went and got a towel wet at the kitchen sink. “I’m sure it’s not stupid. Why… why didn’t you reach out to her?”

“It was just me being an idiot,” Kyo said. “I didn’t want her to know. I’d been… I just had a relapse with my stupid self-harm shit not that long ago, and I didn’t want her to know I was at it again.”

“I’m… pretty sure it’s important for her to know what’s going on with you,” Die said as he wiped down the kitchen table. “I don’t think she’ll judge you for a—a relapse.”

“I know,” Kyo said impatiently. “That’s why I said I’m stupid. The other reason. Even after sharing this stuff with her for the past year, I still hesitate to message her before I do something else. I guess… cutting is kind of a quicker fix, in terms of relief.”

Die swallowed. He didn't want to be too obvious about the fact that hearing Kyo talk about it that way made him seriously uncomfortable. He wanted to be supportive and show that Kyo could talk to him about anything.

“I will send her a message,” Kyo said. “Before I go to bed. And I’ll let her know that you helped me, too.”

“She knows about me?”

“Well, yeah,” Kyo said dubiously. “You’re kind of—you know, you’re important to me.”

“You’re always saying you don’t have a confidant like I do,” Die said. He watched as Kyo reconfigured the chairs around the table and threw a few paper towels in the trash. “I’m glad to know there is _someone_ you can talk to.”

“Someone I pay monthly,” Kyo said with a snort. “Not knockin’ therapy, ‘cause honestly it’s a great resource and it’s been very helpful to me. But it’s not the same as having a trusted friend.”

Die supposed that was probably true. He took a water bottle out of the fridge with the intent of making sure Kyo drank at least half. He held out a hand, waited for Kyo to come close enough to kiss, and pressed his lips to Kyo’s. “Think we could shower?”

“I think we’d better.”

Die followed him to the bathroom and tried to tell himself that Kyo was okay. Maybe not all the time, but for that moment, and sometimes the moment was what they had. He could worry about how to _keep_ Kyo okay all he wanted, but he might as well enjoy the moment that was given to him.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for your thoughtful and kind responses to the previous chapter. This update it a little late, but maybe it will touch on some things someone is interested in, hmmmm?

Die and Kyo had never gone to work together, and Die wasn’t sure how to act as he entered the store with him. Should he run ahead so they didn’t come in at the exact same moment? It was unlikely that anyone was paying that much attention, but probably they shouldn’t be broadcasting their relationship, either. Maybe he ought to have gone home and let them head to the store separately, but after how things had been the night before, Die had been reluctant to leave Kyo alone just yet.

Kyo didn’t ask to be left alone, either, quietly accepting the way Die dressed after their shower and pulled Kyo with him into the bed. They didn’t talk about Die staying, but for once, Die had felt confident that they were on the same page.

“I know I have no one to blame but myself,” Kyo had said, with no prompting whatsoever, when he was tucked into the crook of Die’s arm and the lights were out. “I’m glad you came to be with me, but I don’t want you to think there's anything to be upset about other than my own shortcomings.”

Die didn’t say anything. He hadn’t pressed Kyo to talk about whatever specific incident had triggered this particular crisis, and in a way it didn’t matter to him. Sure, he was curious, but if it had hurt Kyo, he wasn’t overly concerned with what or how; his focus was just on helping Kyo recover.

Kyo went on, of his own free will, “I know you thought I was being negative before the interview, but that’s because—I actually wanted this one. I didn’t want to let myself feel… But I wanted it.” He shifted in Die’s arms, rolled towards him so that he was speaking into the space between them and Die couldn’t make out his face. “And it was going so well. They _liked_ my designs, and I thought…”

Die rubbed his hand soothingly up and down Kyo’s back, not wanting to rush him.

“But then I fucked it all up, just like I thought I would,” Kyo said. “Self-ful-fucking prophecy, and it shouldn’t have hurt, but it _did_.”

“It’s okay if it hurt,” Die said softly. “You’re allowed to hurt, and you’re allowed to want things.” He reached to brush back some of Kyo’s hair in an attempt to see his face. “Do you want to tell me about what happened?”

Kyo sighed. “Just me being an idiot. There was a team of them interviewing me, and this one guy… Every time the only woman there would try to say something, he would talk over her— _Every damn time_! Eventually, I got pissed, ‘cause she’d been trying to ask me something and I could never hear the whole question, I cut him off, told him to let her talk, and he…” Kyo laughed bitterly. “I actually thought he was gonna fucking deck me. The whole atmosphere changed. They sent me out within a few minutes after that.”

Die frowned. The scenario didn’t exactly surprise him, based on what he knew of Kyo, quick to get involved (in spite of himself) any time he saw someone being stepped on or mistreated. But he could also see how a job interviewer might take major offense at Kyo’s interruption. It was _justified_ , but maybe, technically, Kyo had actually fucked up.

“If I can destroy my chances like that when someone actually likes my work, what hope do I have of ever succeeding?” Kyo said miserably.

Maybe he didn’t mean for Die to answer, but he did anyway. “If it’s too hard to keep hope alive, I’ll do it for you. You can be as heartbroken as you want, and I’ll still believe someone will see your talent, hard enough for the both of us.”

It was the kind of thing he expected Kyo to shove him for, or call him a freak—but he just nestled closer, burying his face against Die’s shoulder, and they didn’t say anything more before falling asleep.

Watching Kyo as he wordlessly dropped his things in a locker and clocked in for his shift (which started fifteen minutes before Die’s own), Die couldn’t help but worry about him. Maybe today was only a simple cashiering shift, but Die couldn’t imagine that Kyo wouldn’t be thinking about the unpleasantness of the day before the whole time he was working.

“I’ll see you out there,” Kyo said, adjusting his face mask behind one ear. “Thanks again for the ride. I appreciated the chance to sleep in a little.”

“I’d give you a ride to work every day if you’d let me,” Die said, without really meaning to. He made sure to add, “If you need anything today, you know where my department is.”

Kyo nodded. “And if you’re not there, you’re probably off irritating one of your friends.”

Die smiled. “See, you know me well.”

He let him walk out to the front and took the chance once he was alone to let out a long breath that he might as well have been holding since he got Kyo’s text the day before.

He found himself stuck on what he’d accidentally said to Kyo, about wanting to drive him to work every day. It had slipped out, spoke of commitment that they never usually discussed aloud, and the thought made Die’s heart skip a beat.

It wasn’t exactly that Die had never been in a real relationship before—he hadn’t had _many_ but there had been people he’d dated for as long as six months. It hadn’t even been that long with Kyo, but it felt so much more real, more serious, that Die was thinking about their future, whether he wanted to or not.

He wanted to see Kyo more, be around him more. Maybe if Die had presented himself as more immediately available to help, Kyo would have reached out to him for help before taking matters into his own hands. If they lived together it would be easy for Die to give Kyo a ride to work all the time, and he would be happy just to spend the extra time talking to him while they drove.

Okay, living together, that was definitely getting ahead of himself. He didn’t know where that kind of thinking was coming from. No, that wasn’t true. He knew that he was feeling especially protective of Kyo, worried about him, and despite Kyo’s repeated reassurances, Die felt _responsible_ for Kyo. He loved him. He wanted to be the one taking care of him.

That didn’t mean it hurt to have a little help though, and Die had been glad for Kyo’s divulgence about his therapist. He hoped that he would message her if he needed to during the day, and not still feel self-conscious about his mistakes and his relapse.

Die clocked in for his shift and pinned his hair half-back just to keep it out of his face. No one so far had come in and made some comment about him and Kyo arriving together, and maybe it would stay that way and he could have a perfectly normal workday.

He’d barely stepped out onto the sales floor when Kyo caught his eye and waved him over, already making it a less than totally normal day before he even made it to Spirits.

“What’s going on?” Die asked as he reached him, trying to keep most of the worry out of his tone; fussing over Kyo would only piss him off.

“Ayasa needs change.”

“Okay,” Die said uncertainly. It was good that it wasn’t a problem with Kyo himself, but Die didn’t see how he fit into it. “Um, should I…?”

“Take over my lane,” Kyo said. “Kaoru’s not here for another couple hours, I have to go get the money for Ayasa’s register.”

“Do I have to?” Die complained. “Can’t you just shut it down for a few minutes?”

“There are only three lanes open right now, and Ayasa’s needs change,” Kyo said, like he was repeating the facts of a math problem. “So, _no_ , I can’t shut it down. Just stand here.” He didn’t give Die time to whine about it more before he took off, keys jingling as he went.

It was true that they didn’t have many cashiers working at the moment, but there weren’t all that many guests around either, and Die took to waving people over to his lane to stop them from going to Ayasa, and to keep himself from losing his mind from boredom.

Despite his efforts, every customer wanted to go to Miyavi’s lane first.

An older gentleman whom Die had called over commented on it in a less than quiet voice, “Are those people linin’ up there to check out their groceries or to check out the cashier?”

Die laughed awkwardly. “Well, you know, he’s uh—a charming guy.”

“He’s handsome, sure, but don’t sell yourself short, I’m sure you’re real popular with the ladies, too,” the old man said with a wink.

“Hah, well. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

“Actually neither one of ya’s really my type,” the customer laughed, ignoring Die’s polite query. “I prefer going to that little surly cashier, quickest one out of any of you, always gets through the line without wasting time on chitchat.”

It was hard for Die to believe that chitchat wasn’t one of the main reasons this guy came to the store in the first place, but he nodded and smiled, and handed the guest his receipt, hoping he wouldn’t have to carry the conversation on any longer.

Once the old man had gone on his way, Die leaned on the little wall around his register to waggle his eyebrows at Miyavi in the next lane. “Hear that, Miyavi? The customers think you’re handsome.”

“Yeah, and that you’re popular with the ladies,” Miyavi said with a snort.

“Maybe I am!” Die said in mock offense.

Another group walked up, and all lined up at Miyavi’s register at once. They were clearly together, and in the middle of a conversation, so Die didn’t even bother interrupting to invite them over to his lane, instead saying to Miyavi, “Really, though, I think Toshiya’s the one who’s popular with the ladies.”

“Oh, yeah?” Miyavi grinned and shook his head as he went on scanning items. “I could see that. The smile and the muscles and everything. And he’s just a good guy.”

“That’s what I’m always saying,” Die said. It occurred to him that if even Miyavi could easily form and state his opinions on Toshiya, wasn’t it strange that Kaoru was so unwilling?

Die glanced over at Ayasa who had two customers in her line. He could hear her apologetically explaining that she was out of 100 yen coins, but the two customers waved off her concern, and assured her they were fine with smaller change.

Wandering back over the front of the store, Die’s gaze fell on a woman just heading for Miyavi’s register, despite there being four people queued up ahead of her. After quickly checking that his light was on, so it wasn’t just that people were confused, Die smiled invitingly and waved so that he got her attention.

She looked right at him and didn’t move.

Die’s smile slipped for a second, but he tightened it up and gestured once more for her to come over to his lane.

She maintained eye contact, shook her head once, and stayed where she was.

Hm. Die pressed his lips together and gave up. He didn’t understand why she would rather wait in a long line than let him check her out, but he supposed he was happy that his old trainee was doing so well as a cashier.

A gentle hand landed briefly on his lower back, and Die started, turning to find that Kyo had returned. And was touching him. That was kinda nice.

“Everything go okay? I’m back,” Kyo said, squeezing into his place at the register. “I appreciate you watching it for me.”

“No problem,” Die said. He wanted to kiss him, maybe just on the cheek, but he knew it was out of the question, so he just backed up out of the way with a, “see you later.” As he passed by Miyavi’s lane he sighed theatrically. “Aren’t you the popular one? Takin’ all the customers and leaving none for anyone else!”

Miyavi laughed. “Like you want to be up here anyway! Go back to your booze, Ladies’ Man!”

“Oh, I will, Handsome,” Die said. “Maybe someone over _there_ will be happy to see me!”

He walked through the store in a bit of a better mood. Kyo was occupied with work, so maybe he would be okay, and as usual, Die’s brief stint at the front lanes hadn’t been nearly as awful as he could imagine it being.

Still, it gave him a greater appreciation for the laid-back atmosphere of his own department, and he headed there happily without even stopping by Toys to see if Shinya was in.

It was always nice to be at his own work station, especially since he’d finished training Miyavi. By the end of it he hadn’t minded him so much, but it was a lot more peaceful when it was just him working there. He knew how everything ran and there was rarely anything unexpected or difficult.

Today was no different; Die’s regulars came in and he already knew their preferred cigarette brands or what sake they were looking for. Most of them made polite conversation, commented that he seemed to be in a good mood, and he told them the truth: that it was just being there, working with them, that had him feeling good.

One of his customers was showing him some video on their phone of an alcohol that literally shimmered and sparkled, when suddenly Die heard his name on the store intercom, calling him to the office as soon as he had a chance.

The customer looked at him in surprise. “Isn’t that you? What, are you in trouble or something?”

Die shook his head. “I don’t think so. I shouldn’t be.”

But even as he said it, and waved, smiling, to his customer as they went on their way, Die couldn’t help but feel nervous. He was never in trouble, and certainly he hadn’t done anything lately that was especially naughty, but it was sometimes hard to tell when the higher-ups were out to get them. Maybe they’d been reviewing security footage and noticed his failure to ID the guests consistently. Or maybe it had taken this long for the bureaucratic system to come down on him after what he’d said way back at their last safety inspection.

Then again, he thought as he finished closing up his station and leaving the sign on the counter, Kaoru’s scratchy intercom voice hadn’t exactly _said_ he was in trouble. Maybe there was some other reason he needed to talk to him, someone else he wanted him to train, or—

Maybe something had happened to Kyo. Die’s stomach sank as he thought how he’d been carrying on merrily in Spirits while Kyo had surely been suffering up at his register. Was he okay? Die hadn’t even bothered to check in in hours.

But no, Kaoru was calling Die to the _office_ , and he didn’t even know about Die and Kyo’s relationship. It was unlikely that Kyo would ask for Die to be called rather than just texting him himself, and Kaoru only used the office for certain, more private meetings.

So, Die decided upon reaching the front of the store and pushing open the door leading back to the time clock and the offices, maybe he really was in trouble, after all.

Kaoru was seated at his desk when Die came in, knocking politely on the wide-open office door as he did so. It was unusual to see him there; Kaoru was almost always out wandering the floor with his walkie-talkie, and only spent time at the computer in his office when he was working on schedules.

_Maybe that was it_ , Die thought hopefully, _Kaoru had a question about the schedules_.

But that didn’t seem to be the case, as Kaoru looked up at Die with a little furrow between his brows and waved him inside.

“Come in, close the door behind you, have a seat. I, um. Wanted to talk to you.”

Die nodded numbly and pulled the door closed before he moved to sit in the offered chair. “About what?” He and Kaoru were friendly, always had been even before the band; there was no need for him to feel as nervous as he did.

“About an… incident, this morning.”

An incident? Die’s mind raced as he tried to think of anything unusual that had happened that morning. All he could come up with was that he and Kyo had come to the store together. Was that it then? Someone must have seen them, and even if they hadn’t been overly affectionate, it was easy enough to put together that they were a couple.

As far as Die knew, it wasn’t against policy for employees to date one another, but he supposed it was possible that someone had brought it up to Kaoru anyway. He was still wracking his brain, trying to think who had even been there to see them, when Kaoru spoke again.

“The fact of the matter is I received an email from a customer with a complaint, about you.”

“From a customer?” That had Die more perplexed. They hadn’t done anything a customer would have been disturbed by, surely. “About _me_?”

“I, too, was surprised,” Kaoru said. “But here, you can read it yourself, if you like.” He turned his computer monitor so that Die could see the email pulled up there, and he read it through twice quickly.

It was indeed a complaint about him, referring to him as “the male cashier with long, dyed-red hair,” and threatening to stop shopping at the store if he continued to work there. The general takeaway was that the customer thought Die _talked_ to the (other) cashiers too much. 

“ _I refused to get in his checkout lane because I knew if I went to him I would have a bad experience, but then I saw him say something to the other cashier, and although I didn’t hear what he said, I’m sure it was something about me. I felt extremely disrespected and I don’t know if I can return_.”

Die sat staring at the computer screen even after he’d finished reading, unsure how he was meant to respond.

“Do you happen to remember this interaction?” Kaoru asked, scratching at his eyebrow.

“I mean,” Die said, thinking about it, “yes? That is, I remember a woman coming and refusing to get in my line, even after I called her over. It was weird, but that was pretty much the end of it.”

“Did you say something to the other cashiers?”

Die screwed up his face, trying to remember the details. “Yeah, I made some passing comment to Miyavi about him being popular—it wasn’t about _her_.”

“Yes, well, it seems she must have interpreted it that way.”

“She even says in her own complaint that she didn’t hear what I said!” Die said indignantly.

“Of course, I know,” Kaoru said. He waved a hand dismissively. “I didn’t think you had actually done anything offensive, but I wanted to hear your side of it.”

“Do you want me to… apologize, or something? Write some response?”

“Um. If you feel especially moved to, I won’t stop you, but I’m not requesting that you do so,” Kaoru said. “I’ll respond, try to explain the misunderstanding. If she does choose to take her business elsewhere, it’s unfortunate, but I wouldn’t punish you for it. Her behavior is clearly illogical.”

Die nodded in relief. “Thank you.”

Kaoru shook his head. “Thank you for coming in to discuss it. I’m sorry for taking up your time.” He turned the monitor back towards himself and clicked around a few times, then said, “Oh, while I have you here, do you remember the gig Shinya was trying to secure for us at a local bar?”

Die frowned. There had been discussion of such a thing a full month ago, but he’d put it out of his mind. “Is that still happening?”

“I’ve worked it into everyone’s schedule for this Saturday.”

“This _week_?” Die squawked. “The hell, Kaoru? That’s soon!”

“With all the rehearsals we’ve been having for the Battle of the Bands performance, I don’t think it will be a problem,” Kaoru said. “But I do think it’s advisable for us to have at least one or two more lives before we go onstage and _compete_.”

Die didn’t disagree with that. “You have thoughts on a setlist yet?”

Kaoru nodded shortly. “Keep an eye out for a missive from me tonight.”

“Right,” Die sighed. He stood up to head for the door. “Anything else before I get back to work?”

Kaoru hesitated, frowning. “No, there’s—Well, maybe something.” His eyes flitted to Die and away again. “You—you asked me something yesterday, my opinion of Toshiya. Why did you ask me that?”

Die grimaced and tried to cover it by rubbing at his nose. “Ahh, just because I wondered? Never heard your thoughts on him much.”

“Did he tell you to ask me?”

“No, it was just my own curiosity,” Die said.

Kaoru paused again and put his elbows up on his desk. “From… your understanding, does it seem to you like Toshiya is after my job?”

“What!” Die said, flabbergasted. Sure, Shinya had put that out there, but Die hadn’t thought it was actually something Kaoru believed. “No!”

“He’s never said anything like that to you?”

“Honestly, no. Why would you think that?”

“Just the way he acts,” Kaoru said. “He’s… nice to me.”

Die blinked, trying to process the connection. “So, you think… he’s, what, sucking up to you in hopes of a promotion? _I’m_ nice to you, you don’t—”

Kaoru cut him off with a shake of his head. “He’s nicer than you are. No offense. And he asks me things about the job, how I’m handling the _stress_ , if I need help with anything. I’d have to be blind to not notice.”

It was all Die could do to keep from groaning in frustration or pulling out clumps of his own hair. “Can you really not think of _any_ other reason why someone might feel like being _kind_ to you?”

Kaoru was quiet for a longer moment than Die expected. Then, “No. Because I can’t. Get my hopes up, reading into things that way.”

Die made a few incoherent noises before managing, “What’s wrong with getting your hopes up once in a while, really?”

“It’s easy for you to say,” Kaoru said. His eyes flicked to the closed office door. “The object of your… _affection_ has at least agreed to a grudging, awkward sort of friendship with you.”

Just like that, Die was completely lost. “The object—awkward friendship?”

Kaoru gave him a smug look. “I’m not as oblivious as all that, see? I haven’t missed that you’ve got a bit of a _crush_ on Kyo.”

It was tempting to not correct him and to just let Kaoru think he’d deduced something, but in an effort to keep him from really embarrassing himself, Die told him, “You know, Kyo and I have been dating for almost three months now.”

“Like, actually dating?”

Die nodded apologetically. “We just… never got around to telling you.”

“I see,” Kaoru said. “And I suppose everyone else has known all along.”

“Well, not—yeah, pretty much.” This wasn’t quite the support Die had meant to offer, and he shifted guiltily. “Please don’t take it personally?”

“I don’t,” Kaoru said. “I understand, I’m your supervisor, that’s not the kind of thing we generally share with one another.”

“But, hey!” Die said, encouragingly. “I turned my crush into a relationship, by making a move! Maybe you could try it.”

Kaoru looked at him in some alarm. “You mean—? I don’t know if I can do that. Wishful thinking aside…”

“If it’s not a huge violation of policy, I say you go for it. Toshiya’s not the type to be an asshole about it, even if it doesn’t go your way,” Die said, as if he didn’t know Toshiya would be throwing himself into Kaoru’s arms at the smallest invitation.

Kaoru looked down at the wood grain of his desk for a long while. “I will consider it.” He cleared his throat and turned his attention back to his computer. “Thank you for your insight, Die. You may return to work now.”

Die bowed before quietly leaving Kaoru alone in his office. Whatever happened next would be Kaoru’s decision to make on his own.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys know we're actually getting close to the end of this? I don't know what I'll do with myself when it's over...  
> (jk I have like a dozen other fics that just need to be edited and are in line to post next and I am waiting so impatiently to share them)  
> Glad y'all are on the Kaoru/Toshiya love train heh heh

“The whole thing just pissed me off,” Die said, “because I tend to think I’m really on the customers’ side more often than not, you know? I obviously don’t consider myself part of the evil corporate conglomerate that Headquarters represents, and that this lady would have the _nerve_ to actually sit down and write an email to complain about—about _nothing_!” He shook his head and picked up his drink, wiggling the straw around. “Just… fucking stupid.”

Kyo nodded sympathetically even as he snagged a french fry from Die’s tray.

They had stopped for fast food on the way to the rehearsal space since their _Star Wars_ movie date had been sideswiped by Kaoru’s additional practices, and it was the first chance Die had really had to tell Kyo everything from the day before.

“I do feel responsible,” Kyo said. “I kind of shoved you onto register and ditched.”

“That wasn’t really the problem though,” Die said. “I didn’t have an issue with anyone else.”

“It’s funny that she would harbor something against you specifically like that, when you’re not even a regular cashier. How many times could she have interacted with you?” Kyo said. “Some people must really have no joy in their lives at all.”

“Maybe that was it, though. I’m usually only up at the front lanes to hang around and help out. That could make it seem like I’m talking to everyone a lot.”

“Who cares? You’re not being disrespectful or anything.” Kyo shrugged. “I think you’re right to be pissed, and I am, too, on your behalf.”

Die laid a hand over his heart. “I think that’s one of the sweetest things you’ve ever said to me.”

Kyo flipped him off and gathered up the last of his trash onto his tray to throw it away. “We’d probably better get going to rehearsal.”

“Thanks for having dinner with me,” Die said.

“Well, I’d been going to anyway,” Kyo said. “Though it’s gonna take us all year to work our way through the _Star Wars_ movies at this rate.”

Die didn’t reply that at least it gave Kyo something to commit to.

They were back in the car and driving before Die spoke again. “There was some other stuff Kao and I talked about that I wanted to touch on with you.”

Kyo glanced over. “Like what?”

“Okay. So,” Die said, “I kind of told him about us.”

“Kind of?”

“I’m sorry for not warning you beforehand. It just came up, he was misunderstanding the dynamic that you and I have, so I felt bad for the confusion and clarified.”

“Huh.” Kyo ran a hand through his hair, mussing it up. “I mean, I really don’t care. I’m just surprised you didn’t tell me that you’d talked about it until just now.”

Die kept his eyes on the road. “I had practically forgotten. The other thing we were talking about had me kind of distracted.”

“The _other_ other thing you were talking with Kaoru about? Geez, you really had a heart-to-heart, eh?”

“It’s related to what he said to you before,” Die said, “about Toshiya.”

There was a pause, and Die glanced over, trying to read Kyo’s facial expression.

Kyo looked back, startled. “What?”

“You remember what he asked you about Toshiya?”

“Yeah, sure,” Kyo said. “But what… What do you want me to feel about it now?” 

Die’s mouth twisted to one side. “I want you to be interested. Why is no one else as excited about this development as I am?”

“I already told you that’s not my area,” Kyo said. “What they wanna do about it is their business, and I don’t care to get involved.”

“Shinya didn’t think we should meddle, either.”

“And you went meddling even after Shinya advised you not to?” Kyo clicked his tongue. “Seems like asking for trouble.”

“I didn’t meddle!” Die said defensively. “Kaoru was just—I felt _bad_ for him. He really thought the only explanation for someone showing him kindness was them sucking up to him, wanting something. I wanted him to get that’s not where Toshiya’s coming from.”

“So what happened then?”

“I have no idea,” Die said. “I was trying not to get int the middle of their business, so I left Kaoru to deal with it himself, but I’m curious to know how he has or hasn’t—”

“Definitely hasn’t,” Kyo interrupted. “This is Kaoru. Have you ever known him to go after what will make him happy?”

“Aha! So you think Toshiya would make Kaoru happy!” Die grinned at the evidence that Kyo held some opinion on the matter.

Kyo just shrugged. “Could hardly make him more miserable.”

They arrived at the rehearsal studio shortly thereafter and went in to practice.

Even without Die obsessively tracking Kaoru and Toshiya’s interactions it would have been a hectic evening; for the Battle of the Bands event they were only planning to do three songs, so a setlist for a whole live had to be whipped up from scratch.

“You can blame Kaoru for the short notice,” Shinya informed them at a much-needed break. “I was trying to get this lined up for ages, but he only agreed to the scheduling recently.”

“Well,” Kaoru said awkwardly, “It was… pointed out to me that it would be wise for us to have more onstage experience before competing…” Die could have sworn that he saw Kaoru glance towards Toshiya and away.

“As if I didn’t tell you that when I was first trying to arrange it,” Shinya said, rolling his eyes.

Kyo was scowling, keeping quiet, and Die knew exactly what was bothering him without asking. The gig they were going to be playing was at a local _bar_ , not a rock venue, and as such, they had to be pretty specific about what from their repertoire they could perform. Most of the heavier, more emotionally-driven songs had been decided against, leaving them with a set that was somewhat _mainstream_ and palatable. It didn’t provide a lot of range for Kyo in terms of what he got to play and express, and Die could tell that just the prospect of limitation was driving him crazy.

They practiced longer than they usually did, everyone tired to the point of distraction by the end of the night.

“How many more of these last-minute practices are you gonna throw at us?” Toshiya asked, rubbing a sore shoulder. “I’m gonna be a zombie at the store tomorrow.”

“Our music ventures definitely shouldn’t be negatively impacting our paying jobs,” Kaoru said sternly. “If you feel that they’re starting to do so, maybe we need to take a collective step back.”

Die was pretty sure it was an empty threat, but it got the message across as far as warning them all against further complaint. Still, threats seemed far removed from what Kaoru ought to be doing with Toshiya, and Die caught his eye, gave him a meaningful look to remind him of that fact.

There was no denying the flustered air with which Kaoru cleared his throat. “ _Anyway_ , assuming no one feels overworked, I wanted to squeeze in two more of these rehearsals before Saturday.”

It wasn’t surprising, but Die had to hold back a groan at the thought of his jam-packed schedule. He suspected he wasn’t the only one.

“And speaking of zombies,” Kaoru said, surprisingly, “Kyo, I think for this bar gig, it’d probably best if you dial the makeup down a bit.”

From the look on Kyo’s face, Die thought he might pick something up and chuck it heavily at the wall, but he just made a brief derisive noise and set his jaw.

They all started to leave, then, but not before Die sidled up to Kaoru with another pointed look towards Toshiya. “Have you talked to him yet?”

“I never said that I was absolutely going to talk to him,” Kaoru said, keeping his voice low. “I said I would think about it.”

“Is that not what you’ve been doing for god knows how long?”

“There are other things that need more of my attention right now.”

That had Die frowning deeply. “You could always say that. There will always be _other things_. The question is just how much time you want to waste before you find out if there could be something there.”

“I don’t need your advice on this subject,” Kaoru snapped. “If I do, I’ll ask. Otsukare.” With that, he finished pulling his jacket on and turned away from Die, heading straight out the door.

De glared after him, thinking if he was gonna take so much sweet time making his move that he most certainly _did_ need Die’s advice, but he couldn’t very well chase him down the hall to explain that.

Instead he moseyed over to pick up his own gear and looked briefly around for Kyo—only to find him gone. His eyes scanned the whole room in confusion.

“Kyo left already,” Shinya stated. “You were talking to Kaoru.”

“He didn’t even say anything,” Die said.

“Did you two have plans or something? He seemed, well, irritable.”

“I guess we didn’t have anything, no,” Die said. He was feeling tired, after all, with how late practice had gone. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t have liked to see Kyo to at least drive him home and say goodnight. “I just didn’t expect him to take off.”

“It was probably for the best that he did,” Shinya said. “His mood wasn’t great.”

“That’s true,” Die admitted. “I think this live might be kind of tough for him.”

“It’s not his style,” Shinya agreed, “but not everything can be what he wants.”

“I wish I’d gotten the chance to talk to him.” 

Die didn’t know what he could have said to comfort Kyo, but he still saw it as his duty to try. However, Kyo leaving on his own without a word probably indicated that he felt like being alone, so maybe it would be best to text him later and check in. 

Die tossed his hair back over his shoulder. “So, would you like a ride home, then?”

Shinya accepted the offer happily, and Die found comfort in the familiarity of getting into his car with Shinya. It hadn’t happened quite as much recently with all that had been going on, and it was nice to have Shinya there to talk to, as he always had, giving him the run-down on recent events as they drove.

“I didn’t know that Kyo was speaking to a counselor,” Shinya said.

“I guess it’s the kind of thing most people keep pretty private,” Die said. “But I’m glad to know he has someone to turn to, more professionally trained and equipped to help him deal with some of what he’s going through.”

“I’m sure you do help him, too,” Shinya said reassuringly, since Die had left out the more explicit details of the help Kyo had wanted from him.

“I hope so,” Die said. He thought of the frustration he’d seen on Kyo’s face in rehearsal. There was only so much that could be done, and Die hated to think what would happen if Kyo started seeing the band—his emotional outlet, his space for free expression—as another area in which he was boxed-in and limited.

As they neared Shinya’s place, Die tried to casually bring up another subject, though he was somewhat hesitant to do so. “Weird how Kaoru all of a sudden decided to set up the gig after all your time working on it.”

Shinya made a surprisingly irritated sound. “He acts like he suddenly came to the realization that we need more experience with an audience all on his own. I told him that from the beginning and he just dismissed me.”

“I thought he figured it out himself, too,” Die said, “until today. I’m pretty sure Toshiya must have said something to convince him.”

“Toshiya?” Shinya was skeptical. “How could he have put it better than I did?”

“I think it’s more to do with what I tried to talk to you about before.”

There was a pause, then, “You didn’t go messing around in their business, did you?”

Die thought of how Kaoru had stormed out, saying he didn't want Die’s advice, and wrinkled his nose. “Maybe more than I should have. _But_ , perhaps more importantly, I was right! And knowing how long Toshiya’s had feelings for Kao, _obviously_ I’m rooting for it to work out. And _when_ it does, I want credit for helping to bring them together.”

“You sure you’re not underestimating Kaoru’s ability to self-sabotage?”

“Kaoru’s a smart guy. He’ll figure it out.”

Shinya made no further comment as they pulled up outside his building. He simply thanked Die for the ride and bade him goodnight.

The next couple days followed more or less the same pattern, and by Saturday, Die was just looking forward to getting the live over with.

He’d had little success in comforting Kyo, who seemed to regard the bar gig as a waste of their time and efforts, though he was never actually vocal with his complaints at rehearsal or around the other members.

“I’m not trying to make Shinya feel bad,” he said to Die as they got out of the car with their gear for the show on Saturday afternoon. “It’s great that he got us more opportunity to perform. I just think we could put this same energy into thinking about how we might want to record or something.”

That surprised Die a little and he took a second before holding out an armload of cables for Kyo to carry inside. “You want us to record?”

“I mean, eventually,” Kyo said with a shrug. “I know we’re not well-established or anything, but I’d like it to be something we’re working towards. Isn’t that part of the prize we’re trying to win with the Battle of the Bands? We need to work on arrangements.” He huffed out a laugh. “You guys have no idea how many harmonies and extra pieces I can hear in my head that no one else is in on.”

Die smiled. Even with how outrageous Kyo’s range was at times, switching between octaves and dynamics in a way that hardly seemed human, he should have known that Kyo would want to be able to do _more_.

“Well,” Die said as he locked up the car, “maybe it’s something we can bring up to the rest of the band after we’re done worrying about everything going on right now.”

Kyo grunted, but didn’t complain anymore as they headed up to the bar were they would be performing.

Kaoru and Shinya had come earlier so they would have more time to set up Shinya’s drums, and they were still busily engaged with that when Die and Kyo walked in. It was much like any bar that one would go to around town, which Die realized probably only added to Kyo’s dislike of it; there was nothing remarkable about the place that made it more appealing to someone like Kyo.

Nonetheless, he offered a small, polite smile when the woman who owned the bar came bustling over to greet them warmly and to direct them towards anything they might need for setup.

Toshiya arrived only a few minutes later and they did a soundcheck of sorts, though Kyo didn’t really participate. He walked around the space, listening, and silently adjusted some levels. He kept any griping or criticism to himself, though his distaste for the whole environment was easily readable on his face.

It wasn’t long before the bar opened for business for the evening. It was the kind of place where the pre-show entertainment was karaoke, and many of the customers were salarymen, coming in to drink and enjoy the company of the flirty young waitresses.

As the concert’s start time approached and the band got up onto the humble stage, Die worried briefly that Kyo would actually storm off and refuse to play, but no, he took up his position and the microphone, even as he glowered menacingly at the audience.

The time spent actually playing was a blur. Die was watching Kyo warily almost the entire time, except when he was looking out at the bar customers, trying to gauge their response to the music. There were occasionally people dancing, engaging, but more often than not, everyone was drinking and minding their own business. The majority of the applause between songs came from the bar’s employees.

They played as well as ever, but without the energy from an audience to draw on, it was difficult to really reach that performance high, and Die found himself grateful that they only had an hour to fill. With the increasing tightness of Kyo’s body language, and the few rude comments from drunken customers, the end of their set could hardly come fast enough.

There was no cheerful bouncing or kisses thrown out as they wrapped up. Kyo finished singing and didn’t even pause to wave before stalking off the stage and slinking into the most shadowy corner of the bar that he could find. The rest of the band followed shortly, and were ambushed by the bar’s owner, insisting that they all stay for a drink and some company.

Die hardly knew what to say when he was abruptly flanked by two smiling waitresses, raising their glasses to clink against the one that had been placed in his hand. He glanced nervously over his shoulder to where Kyo was sulkily coiling cables, and he bowed, politely handing off his glass of beer and going to join his boyfriend in cleaning up the equipment.

Kyo looked up as he came over, but returned his attention to his task. “You don’t have to leave whatever you’re doing over there because of me.”

“I’m driving,” Die said. “It’s not like I can really drink anyway. And it looks like you could use some help.” He knew there was still a good chance that Kyo would turn him away, but smiled when for once he accepted the offer and nodded his head towards some of the other equipment that needed to be put away.

Neither of them said anything for a while, and Die watched the rest of the band from a distance, hoping they would tire of socializing sometime soon.

Kyo clearly was on the same wavelength because he grumbled, “How much longer do we need to stay here?”

Die understood that schmoozing and networking were a big part of getting into the music industry, but he couldn’t see how much Kaoru and the others would really have to discuss with the bar employees. At the RockFest, it had been different, since there had been so many other musicians there whose brains Kaoru had wanted to pick. Here, much as Die didn’t want to seem ungrateful, he had to kind of agree that they were wasting their time. These customers weren’t their audience, and he had a shift at the store in the morning.

“How are you feeling?” Die asked Kyo, in an effort to distract him from how they were pretty much just waiting around.

Kyo shrugged. “Tired. Kinda hungry.”

“What about the live?” Die said. “You seemed tense, during it.”

“Did I?” Kyo cocked his head thoughtfully. “I don’t really remember. Nothing stood out. I guess I’m just glad it’s over. We can focus on other stuff now.”

“You really wanna bring up working on arrangements for recording?”

“We’ll have to deal with it sooner or later,” Kyo said. “Even if we don’t win the Battle of the Bands, I’m figuring we’ll want to record our music at some point. I’m already thinking about how I want it to sound when we do.”

Die had to smile at that. Despite how Kyo seemed not to care about so much, when he was truly passionate about something, he never hesitated to throw himself into it headfirst. He wondered if someday Kyo could lose that hesitation when it came to _him_.

Within the next thirty minutes, the rest of the band came to help clean up, and they thanked their hosts and left the bar, at long last.

Kaoru handed out the pay they’d received for the gig once they were outside. It wasn’t much, but it was nice to feel like they weren’t leaving empty-handed.

“Keep gettin’ these paying jobs, maybe we can hire some roadies soon,” Toshiya quipped as he lugged his amp to the car.

Kaoru snorted. “Sure, that’s a priority.”

No one felt much like going out and celebrating, and they all waved lazy goodbyes, all too aware of how in the light of day, there would once again be little evidence of the night’s performance at all. This time, it didn’t feel like such a great loss.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned before, we're nearing the end of this. The last chapter will probably go up around Sunday night. Love to you all.

“Not every gig can be cheering crowds and glory,” Shinya said calmly as he set a replacement playset on the guest service counter. “We were fortunate enough to have an unusually glamorous first live, but at our level, we can’t expect that all the time.”

No one was arguing with him, but Die suspected Shinya still felt a bit guilty over landing them that bar gig. Even days later, Shinya had brought it up every time Die had spoken to him, defensive and embarrassed all at once.

Toshiya looked between Die and Shinya and smiled awkwardly at the guest who was waiting. “Was there anything else we could do for you today?”

The guest didn’t seem too bothered by the side conversation, charmed as she was by Toshiya’s smile. She finished her transaction and took her leave, waving over her shoulder at Toshiya as she went. 

Toshiya turned back to his coworkers with his hands on his hips. “Is there a reason we’re discussing this _again_? Shinya, why did you even drag him up here?”

Shinya gave him a look. “You think I had anything to do with his decision to follow me to the front of the store?”

Die flailed indignantly. “We were in the middle of talking, where was I supposed to go!”

“In the middle of talking about the bar gig?” Toshiya looked to Die. “Did you tell him we’re all over it? Nobody’s mad.”

Shinya’s face did something strange that no one was used to, and he said quietly, “Kyo is mad.”

“Kyo isn’t mad… _anymore_ ,” Die said. “I… don’t think.”

“No way,” Toshiya said. “He doesn’t hang onto things like that. He’s all about just moving onto whatever’s next. Battle of the Bands is next _week_ , I really doubt he’s spending energy on a grudge.”

“And even if he is mad, it’s not at _you_ ,” Die added. “He told me himself that he appreciated you finding us opportunities to perform.”

“Really?” Shinya, said, his eyes so sad that Die really regretted not settling this sooner. “So… he’s okay?”

Die shrugged. “As much as he ever is. Last time I saw him, he was mostly focused on the _Star Wars_ movie we were watching. _Episode III_.”

“Oh, yeah, that one sucks,” Toshiya said. “When he’s rollin’ in the lava and everything?”

“I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Kyo laugh that much in one sitting,” Die said. “He had tears in his eyes over Anakin getting maimed—tears of _laughter_!”

“Hm, morbid and disturbing and yet not surprising in the least,” Shinya said. “So, with that, I’m going back to Toys.”

“You’re not really scared off by a little maiming and lava, are you?” Toshiya called after him, but Shinya didn’t turn back. “Huh. Really isn’t his thing, I guess.”

Die shook his head. “Never has been. You saw how he even resisted playing that fighting tournament game at the arcade, ‘cause it was ‘too violent.’”

“Were you telling the truth about Kyo not being mad, or were you just trying to make him feel better?” Toshiya asked abruptly, his voice lowered.

“I wasn’t gonna lie about something like that,” Die said. “Kyo likes Shinya too much to stay pissed at him for a sucky gig.”

“And at least we got paid,” Toshiya said.

Die nodded, though he was pretty sure, Kyo wasn’t at all in it for the money; he just wanted the chance to perform and make weird new things.

For lack of a smoother transition to what he wanted to talk about, Die leaned on the counter, picking up a receipt someone had left behind and folding it idly. “How did Kaoru feel about the whole thing? If he took issue with the RockFest’s tech, he must have had some shit to say about the bar’s.”

“Why would you ask me?” Toshiya said, clearly suspicious. “I don’t have—it’s not like he’d tell me more than he’d tell you.”

Die pressed his lips together and tried to mask his disappointment. It seemed that Kaoru hadn’t made a move yet if that was Toshiya’s reaction. “Just thought you guys might have talked since then. I haven’t seen him much.”

“Neither have I,” Toshiya said. “Almost… less than usual.”

That was worrisome. Was Kaoru actually going out of his way to _avoid_ Toshiya? Perhaps Shinya was right about his self-denying capabilities.

Die stole a glance at Toshiya’s face. He was looking at something on his register’s screen, checking inventory for some item or another, but his eyes were distracted and mopey enough that there was no doubt in Die’s mind about whether or not Toshiya had succeeded in moving past his feelings for Kaoru.

Gently, Die said, “No new crushes, huh?”

Toshiya’s eyes darted to him and back to his screen. “Okay, so I’m pathetic. You gonna give me grief for it?”

Die shook his head. “I think… you should take as much time as you need with your feelings. There’s no harm in having them, right?”

“Only the harm it does me emotionally.”

_Ah, geez_. Die was tempted to tell Toshiya _fuck it_ , he should just make his own move—but he had little faith in Kaoru to respond correctly, even if he wanted to. He could advise Toshiya to just be patient, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up in the event that Kaoru never actually grew a pair and asked him for a date. He hated seeing how torn up Toshiya was over the whole thing. What other options were there?

“I’m here for you,” Die said. It wasn’t much, but there wasn’t a lot he could offer. “I always am. And if you’re still pining over Kaoru three years from now, I’ll be here for you then, too.”

Toshiya made a distressed noise. “Thanks. Let’s fucking hope not, though.”

Of course Die hoped not, since he hoped very much that Kaoru could straighten out his feelings in the near future, but he kept that bit to himself, and patted Toshiya awkwardly on the arm before going back to Spirits.

 

Concentrating on the monotony of retail was strange with the Battle of the Bands looming so near. Rehearsals had been ruthless, running through the same sections again and again until they were so airtight Shinya could have added them to his drumset.

All week, Die was playing riffs in his head, having a hard time fully listening to what anyone was saying to him. He still spared some thoughts for Toshiya and Kaoru, but from what he could tell, there had been no progress on that front.

He wondered whether Kyo’s distraction stemmed from the same place as his own. At practice, Kyo never seemed nervous—in fact, he’d spent more time writing in his notebook or on his phone, as the rest of the band hammered out details that didn’t always involve vocals—but there had been a _distance_ to him recently, even when it was just the two of them together. They’d had to pause _Episode IV_ halfway through and hadn’t gotten to continue it with how busy things had been. Die hadn’t been so broken up about it though, ‘cause he’d been able to tell Kyo’s mind was elsewhere as they’d been trying to watch it, and it wasn’t as fun without his bright-eyed and eager commentary.

It wasn’t that Kyo was being exactly inattentive or neglectful of Die. He smiled at him and made time for him where he could, but Die often got the feeling that there was something he wasn’t saying. In quiet moments, his expression would go dark and pensive, and attempts at calling him back to reality only resulted in small shakes of his head or dismissive hums.

Die couldn’t afford to overthink it. The gig was only days away, and he had to believe that knowledge was wearing on Kyo as well. It was the best explanation he had and it would just have to be enough.

At any rate, they had a date planned for tonight, their last opportunity before Saturday’s live, and Die was looking forward to a quiet evening spent together, even if they were both a little distracted.

He waited up by the front lanes for Kyo to finish counting his tray, lingering between Ayasa and Miyavi’s registers.

“So, we can get tickets at the door, right?” Miyavi said. “Do you know what time you’ll be on? I don’t want to be late.”

“Well, it starts at 4 o’clock pm,” Die said. “You might wanna be there by then if you want a good seat and everything.”

“Oh, man, you’re right,” Miyavi said. “I hadn’t even thought about that. I’ll be sure and get there early, then. I’m so psyched to see you guys play!”

Die had to smile at the genuine enthusiasm. Much of the store staff was of the same frame of mind as Miyavi, and basically anyone who wasn’t scheduled to work on Saturday evening had already assured Die they would be attending the gig.

It wasn’t actually completely clear just how the information had made the rounds, but while in the aftermath of their first live, Die had felt the deep melancholy of no one at work knowing about the his musical endeavors, he could now scarcely get away from coworkers asking him about the band and promising to support them. He suspected it had something to do with Toshiya and Shinya’s social media posts.

Just then, a giggle pulled Die’s attention, and he glanced over at Ayasa.

She didn’t seem tuned into his and Miyavi’s conversation, instead staring off across the way, to where Ryota, one of the stockers, was maneuvering a couple cardboard boxes full of merchandise, starting to shelve them.

Ayasa suddenly noticed Die looking at her with a raised eyebrow, and made a vague gesture towards Ryota. “It-it looked like he was going to drop the box for a minute, but he didn’t, heh.”

Die smiled and nodded. Maybe he didn’t totally share her amusement over the situation, but it was nice to see her in a better mood.

Miyavi had a couple more questions about the Battle of the Bands, how the scoring was done, etc, and Die answered to the best of his knowledge, still waiting for Kyo to come out from the back. They were speculating on where would be the best area to try to snag seats, when a thought occurred to him.

“Hey are you planning on bringing that American girlfriend of yours?”

Miyavi grinned. “Yeah! Maybe you guys will get to meet her afterwards?”

“That’d be great,” Die said. “I hope she likes rock music.”

“I doubt we’d be so serious if she didn’t,” Miyavi said, laughing.

“Does that mean you’ve determined she’s as invested as you are?”

“I’m basically just trying to decide the best time and place to pop the question.”

He sounded so happy, so sure of himself, and Die couldn’t help but envy that. There were some things he felt confident about in his life, but that kind of commitment? Marriage? The mere thought of it sent a nervous thrill through him, and while that wasn’t a _bad_ feeling, it also wasn’t something he could be 100% certain about.

“He’s kind of cute, right?” Ayasa said abruptly, and Die found she was still looking towards Ryota, her nose wrinkled in scrutiny. “I mean, I think he is, kinda.”

Miyavi snorted, but Die nodded again. “Yeah, definitely, very cute.”

It was the first interest he’d seen her show in anyone since the ordeal with her asshat of an ex-boyfriend, and he wanted to be as encouraging as possible.

“Who’s cute?” Kyo said, sounding skeptical as he approached the registers at last.

Ayasa waved a hand at him. “Not cute for _you_! Don’t mind!” 

“I dunno,” Die said. “You should see how he is about Luke Skywalker…”

Kyo looked at him with wide eyes. “ _Was_. That was a long time ago.”

“In a galaxy far away?”

Kyo shoved him. “I told you before, my tastes have grown more refined since then! Nowadays, I probably prefer Han, or maybe even, like, Lando Calrissian.”

Die pursed his lips. “Did I meet him yet?”

“Nope! Which is why we’d better get out of here and set to finishing _Episode IV_!”

Die was pleased to see Kyo apparently more engaged than he had been of late, so he waved goodbye to the other cashiers and half an hour later they were tucked into Kyo’s bed together, the movie playing on Kyo’s laptop.

There was no doubt that something was still weighing on Kyo’s mind, but he was mostly present, and Die decided overall this was his favorite film of the series so far.

“The transitions are pretty cheesy,” he said as the ending credits rolled, “and some things are obviously old-fashioned, but Leia’s a badass.”

“She is,” Kyo agreed. “Probably the only one in the main cast with two brain cells to rub together.”

“I like the rest of them, too, though,” Die said. He leaned to set the laptop on the floor by the bed. “But, what, Obi Wan is _dead_ now? What happened to him? Is he going to come back?”

Kyo smirked. “You’ll have to find out when we watch the next one.”

“When do you think we’ll have time? Our schedules should be freed up after this weekend…”

Kyo’s expression faltered, but before Die could ask why, Kyo was climbing into his lap, kissing him deeply, and any previous thought was gone from Die’s mind.

Over and over, Kyo kissed him, cradling his head with both hands, sliding his tongue against Die’s sensually. Die’s hands came to rest on Kyo’s hips, though he wanted to be touching every centimeter of him at once. It took very little from Kyo to get Die wanting, and just the weight and warmth of Kyo on top of him had his cock taking interest.

They’d been planning to have dinner once the movie finished, but Die was more than fine with that not happening right away, especially as Kyo started grinding against him in earnest, nibbling at Die’s ear in a way that shot straight to his groin.

Die let his hands travel back and slide into the back of Kyo’s pants, comfortably grabbing a couple handfuls of Kyo’s round ass. The action elicited a soft moan from Kyo, right at Die’s ear, and he cursed under his breath.

“ _Kyo_ ,” he said, already breathless. “Want you.”

He felt Kyo nod. “Tell me what you want.”

“Want… to be inside you,” Die said. “Feel you tight around me.”

“Like this? Want me to just ride you right here and now?” Kyo mouthed at Die’s neck. “Want to put your big cock in me and fuck me till I can’t think?”

“I… Christ, Kyo,” Die said, at a loss for words.

“ _Tell me_ ,” Kyo insisted. “I want to hear it from you.” He stripped off his shirt and arched his back, pressing his bare chest against Die.

“Fuck, yes, Kyo, I want to bounce you on my cock, fuck your perfect tight little hole and cum inside you so I can watch it all drip back out down your thighs,” Die said, the words coming too quickly for him to monitor them properly.

But Kyo was moaning again, “Holy shit, _please_.” He tugged at Die’s t-shirt until he raised his arms so he could take it off, then was kissing him once more as he worked open Die’s pants with a sort of controlled desperation.

Everything was happening so fast that Die didn’t even see Kyo pulling out the lube; just all at once, Kyo was naked on top of him, fucking himself on his own fingers and maintaining eye contact the entire time. Die wanted to watch him fall apart.

Kyo didn’t seem to feel much like waiting, and Die couldn’t very well tell him to slow down, when he basically always wanted Kyo so much it hurt. He let out a sigh of pleasure and relief as Kyo sank down onto his dick.

There was something oddly intimate about it, as Kyo started to move. All their words had been so filthy and everything had been so rushed that it was jarring to find the sheer adoration in Kyo’s expression as he raised and lowered himself on Die’s cock. His hands were warm and gentle on Die’s shoulders and his shallow breaths seemed to echo within Die’s head.

Most of all, it was the look in Kyo’s eyes that wasn’t quite familiar. Especially with how unfocused he’d been the past week, Die felt the weight of Kyo’s attention acutely, almost wanted to look away as it felt like too much. But at the same time he _couldn’t_ look away, like he was held in place by some tractor beam straight out of a _Star Wars_ film. Kyo was staring at him in a way not so far removed from how Die usually stared at Kyo, desperate and searching, interested and _giving_ , and Die was on fire, pressure building in every part of his body at once.

His vision started to blur, and when he blinked to clear it, a few tears escaped, and he finally ducked his head to hide his emotions.

“ _Die_ ,” Kyo whispered, and tipped his chin up, kissing him with an impressive grace and coordination, given how he was still riding him.

When the kiss broke, Die stayed with his lips touching Kyo’s. “I love you,” he said, though he was usually so careful not to speak the words aloud for fear of making Kyo feel pressured and uncomfortable.

Now, though, Kyo just said, “ _Yes_ ,” and kissed him again.

“Kyo, I love you,” Die repeated between kisses that grew messier and clumsier. “You mean—so fucking much to me, and I want to give you everything, want to make you _happy_.”

“Fuck, you give me so much,” Kyo said, all breath and biting at Die’s mouth. “Make me—make me—oh, fuck, ohh, fuck, _Die_.”

It devolved into a whine as Kyo jerked and came suddenly, untouched, painting Die’s stomach with his release.

Die bit down hard on Kyo’s neck, just to hear him cry out, to feel his fingers dig bruisingly into his shoulders. He gripped Kyo’s hips, holding him up so he could fuck up into him, slamming roughly into his tired body only a dozen more times before throwing his head back and emptying himself deep inside Kyo. He shuddered and groaned as he came down from it, feeling a little disoriented, like that orgasm had drained every iota of his energy.

He pressed a quick peck to Kyo’s lips and relaxed back against the bed, making room for Kyo to climb off of him at his own pace.

When he did, he leaned his face into the pillows next to Die and mumbled, “Here.”

“Hm?” Die looked over, rubbing blearily at one eye.

“Here, look.”

Die sat up, and quickly realized what Kyo was trying to direct his attention towards: he had his ass up in the air and was spreading himself to showcase the thick rivulets of glistening cum trailing from his used hole, over his sac and down his thighs, leaving him a magnificent, sticky mess straight out of Die’s fantasies.

“Holy fuck,” Die breathed reverently. He slid one finger easily back into Kyo’s entrance, and pulled it out again, dragging more fluid along with it.

Kyo’s face turned to the side just enough for his next word to be clear. “ _Yours_.”

It was almost too much for Die to handle; Kyo’s strained, ragged voice, the sight of him, nude and covered in Die’s jizz, displaying himself like an offering. Die was tempted to pin him down and fuck him again right then and there, but he took a deep breath, composed himself.

He leaned forward, and instead of burying his face in Kyo’s glorious ass and eating him out, licking the taste of himself from Kyo’s puffy, stretched hole, he placed a soft kiss on Kyo’s lower back and lay back down beside him, one arm reaching out to pull him close.

Kyo exhaled all at once, like he’d been holding his breath, and peered up at Die’s face, that same yearning, lost look in his eyes.

“God, you’re…” Die trailed off, shaking his head. “I’m so glad I know you.”

Kyo laughed a little, let himself snuggle in closer. “Me, too.”

Ignoring for the time being just how filthy they were, they dozed off like that, and Die’s dreams that night honestly couldn’t compete with reality.


	38. Chapter 38

It shouldn’t have been as surprising as it was when Kyo refused to let Die transport him to the venue for the actual Battle of the Bands, but Die still took it kind of personally. After their last date, he’d felt like there would be some change, that they were _closer_ —but if anything, Kyo had been even more distant than usual.

Die had gotten all the usual pep talks from his friends; reminders that, with a gig coming up, everyone dealt with stress in their own ways, and advisements not to act rashly. It was still disappointing when he felt like Kyo didn’t want to be around him on the way to the live.

They’d spent so long preparing and looking forward to it, that waking up on the day of the actual event was sort of surreal. Die had packed everything he’d need the night before, lovingly folded the costume Kyo had made for him into his bag along with his makeup and straightening iron. He’d tried the ensemble on beforehand and been seriously impressed by how well Kyo apparently knew his body to make something like that. Sure, he’d taken a few measurements, but Die still hadn’t expected it to fit and flatter him so well. He hoped Kyo made absolute bank for his commissions.

Die drove Shinya and all accompanying gear to the venue, and if they talked on the way, he completely forgot it only a minute later. The whole pre-show experience was so blurry and chaotic that it made the RockFest look like a mellow, sit-down coffee shop concert. Soundcheck was quick and perfunctory and then they were sent off into the abyss of their fellow competitors to wait. It was hard to keep track of exactly how many groups were competing, but all of them were corralled into one large shared backstage area to get ready for the show.

Somehow there wasn’t as much freedom and time to wander offsite, and they had very little space to themselves. Once he’d finished dressing and making himself up, Die could find nothing to do but huddle up in a corner of the backstage, his earbuds in as he flipped through a magazine he’d borrowed from Shinya, waiting for their performance time.

It wasn’t long till Toshiya came to join him, squeezing into the narrow space between Die and someone’s makeup kit. He was eating a banana.

“At least the time seems to be going pretty quickly,” he commented.

Die nodded. “Dunno how much of this I could stand.” His eyes roamed around the area, idly registering the dozens of half-dressed and frantic people. It was loud and crowded and Die could feel his anxiety climbing the longer he looked around. “Wish I’d thought to bring a book.”

“Could you really focus on reading with all this going on around you?” Toshiya took a bite of his banana, chewed, swallowed. “I can’t concentrate on anything with all this noise. I dunno how the hell Kyo’s managing.”

It didn’t take much searching for Die to spot Kyo across the room, his sketchbook open on his lap. He hadn’t finished his makeup yet, but his newly-dyed blonde hair was already styled, and he was dressed in tight pants and suspenders, his too-big shirt hanging loose enough to show off his collarbones. It wasn’t as _monstrous_ as Die had expected him to go with, but damn, he looked good.

“He’s got those noise-canceling headphones,” Die pointed out. He was glad to have something so pleasant to stare at rather than the general pandemonium of the space.

“I’d still expect him to be the type who wants more quiet when he works.”

“He does,” Die said. “But he’s also used to tuning out his surroundings.”

“So why is he in here at all?” Toshiya said. “Kao went out to smoke, I bet Kyo could find more quiet out there, and still tune out the background of being outside.”

Die glanced around for another moment. “He’s waiting for a mirror to free up so he can finish doing his eyes.”

Toshiya looked at him with a furrowed brow. “How—Did he tell you that?”

“No, I can just tell,” Die said, and shrugged. “He keeps looking up from his drawing to check the progress of the people using the mirrors. See how he’s clenching his jaw? ‘Cause the guy with the mohawk over there is finished, but he’s still blocking the mirror so he can chat with his buddy.”

Toshiya followed his gaze, gaping. “Are you always this fucking observant?”

“Not really,” Die admitted. “I just understand how Kyo thinks.”

There was a pause before Toshiya chuckled. “You’ve really come a long way, huh? I remember when that was your biggest problem, not getting what Kyo was thinking, struggling to understand him.”

Die thought about it. Toshiya was right, of course. That had been a longtime plague of his mind, wondering constantly what made Kyo do what he was doing, how he could have such mood swings. It wasn’t like he’d solved some great mystery; he was confused even now about how Kyo could be so distant after their most recent intimacy, but, in ways…

“I guess I know him better now.”

“I’m glad,” Toshiya said. “At least someone does, you know?”

“But I do think,” Die said, and hesitated. He closed the magazine he was holding and looked down at it. “There’s something he’s not telling me. I’ve felt for a while now like he’s holding back, and I don’t know if it’s a problem with _me_ , or just the way he is sometimes.”

“You mentioned to me before that you felt like he was distracted,” Toshiya said, tilting his head. “Is this related to that feeling?”

Die nodded. He took out his earbuds, since he was listening to Toshiya more at the moment, and tucked them into the pocket of his tiny shorts. “Just a feeling like he’s not always fully present. But I want him to be honest with me.” He rolled his eyes at himself. “Not that I think he’s being _dis_ honest, but I don’t want him to be afraid to tell me anything.”

“Well, it could be he’s just—Hey,” Toshiya cut himself off, his eyes still on Kyo across the room, “There’s Kaoru.”

It wasn’t an entirely neutral observation (Really, Toshiya’s affection colored his voice so significantly when he said Kaoru’s name that Die didn’t see how anyone could miss it), but it was also a fact: there was Kaoru, crouching beside Kyo and frowning one of his deep, thoughtful frowns.

“Is something wrong?” Die wondered as they watched their bandmates talking from afar. It was impossible to make out what was being said, but they both looked awfully serious.

“No one said anything to me,” Toshiya said. “I guess we’ll hear about it in a minute when he comes to talk to us next.”

Except Kaoru didn’t come over to speak to them. He stayed there with Kyo for a long while, rubbing his chin and shaking his head, and then he got up and went back out.

“Okay, so maybe,” Toshiya said slowly, “he didn’t notice we were over here? Or it could be something he thinks won’t impact us as much. If he’s fussing about the tech again, maybe he’s worried about Kyo’s mic specifically.”

“I didn’t notice any issues at soundcheck,” Die said. “And that didn’t look like Kao bitching about a tech problem.”

“No, I guess it didn’t really.”

Die had his suspicions about the actual subject of Kyo and Kaoru’s private conversation; after all, it had been Kyo that Kaoru first approached to ask about Toshiya. It was likely that Die had put too much pressure on him for Kaoru to want to come back and share more of his feelings, while Kyo had seemed like a safer confidant.

“I’m just gonna go ask Kyo really quick what’s up,” Die said. He got up, leaving his magazine with Toshiya, and crossed to where Kyo was sitting.

Kyo watched his approach without a visible emotion. “Hey.”

“Hi. Workin’ on some sketches?”

Kyo nodded, taking his headphones off one ear and looking down at a half-formed figure on the page, more lifeless than any finished product of his Die had ever seen. “I keep changing my mind about how I want it to look, though.”

“Mm.” Die settled into a crouch next to him and said sort of awkwardly, “So what was all that about?”

Kyo’s eyebrows rose innocently. “All what?”

“Just I noticed you talking to Kaoru,” Die said. He lowered his voice, “Is there anything wrong with the live, or is it maybe about Toshiya?”

Kyo looked puzzled for a second or two, then shook his head. “Nothing about Toshiya.” 

He stood up abruptly and Die looked around to see that a mirror had finally become available. He scrambled after Kyo’s quick move to claim it.

“If it’s nothing about Toshiya, is it something the whole band needs to be in on?”

“It’s really not a big deal,” Kyo said over his shoulder. “He just wanted to ask me something about, um, work, scheduling, whatever.”

“Work? The store?” Die said, confusion wrinkling his brow. He was surprised that Kaoru would be thinking about store schedules when they were going onstage in a matter of hours. “We’re shortstaffed, or what?”

Kyo shrugged and set his makeup bag down with a little more force than was necessary. “That’s his problem to figure out. Don’t worry about it.”

Something was off. Kyo didn’t care enough about the store for him to be snippy with Die over it, and that meant he was refusing to tell Die what they’d actually been talking about.

But what reason could he have for keeping it from Die? As far as Die knew, Kyo had always been honest with him. The idea that there was something he was deliberately hiding from him at this point made Die slightly nauseous.

He took a step backwards. “I’ll just… leave you to do your makeup, then. Sorry.”

Kyo shook his head once. “Nothing to be sorry for.”

“Right.” Die didn’t have anything else to say, so he made his way numbly back over to Toshiya who was waiting expectantly.

There was a moment where Die considered completely downplaying it. Kyo had told him not to worry, and he didn’t want Toshiya to be concerned, especially when it was possible that it _was_ to do with him and Kyo had just been respecting Kaoru’s privacy.

But the moment passed and Die found himself saying, “Something’s going on,” with little heed for how that might or might not trouble his friend.

“Something like what?” Toshiya asked with wide eyes.

“I don’t know,” Die answered unhelpfully. “But Kyo’s keeping something from me.”

Toshiya frowned, watching Die sit back down beside him. “Are you sure? You were already kind of feeling like that before you talked to him.”

“And now I feel it even more,” Die said. “Kyo doesn’t lie to me, but he was tense about something, and tried to brush me off. I don’t… I don’t get why he wouldn’t just tell me what’s up.”

“Maybe you’re reading too much into it. Or maybe it’s personal and not about you.”

“Personal, between him and Kaoru?”

Toshiya grimaced. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

Die thought about it, but shook his head. “It’s okay. If anything, I’ll see if they mentioned something to Shinya.” Although Die knew that if they did and it was private, Shinya wouldn’t divulge it to Die, no matter their longstanding friendship and loyalty.

It was uncomfortable. Die couldn’t stop watching Kyo, stationed in front of the mirror and painting his face, and Toshiya seemed afraid to speak, and just sat there holding his banana peel without moving at all.

When at last Shinya returned from whatever safely remote place he’d been hiding himself, Die all but leapt to his feet and dashed across the space to reach him.

“The show’s about to start,” Shinya said, looking mildly alarmed by Die’s urgency. “I saw Miyavi out there with some girl, and Ryota and Yuchi were wandering around with beers. Do you want to try and sneak out to say hello before we go on?”

They were one of the last acts on the program and it was reasonable to think they might get restless cooped up backstage so long. Already, big “WHISPERING ONLY” signs had gone up, and the general chaos had dulled to intermittent murmuring.

All the same, Die declined the offer. He didn’t want to go out and put on a face for people when he was still worked up about whatever Kyo wasn’t telling him. “I had a question.”

“For me?” Shinya said.

“Is anything happening?” Die asked, but Shinya just looked at him blankly, so he elaborated, “Is there any drama going on that I should know about, involving Kaoru or Kyo or anyone?”

Shinya’s eyes narrowed. “Nothing that’s been brought to my attention, but you’re acting as if you know something I don’t.”

“Kyo lied to me,” Die said, and the words felt like they left a hole in his chest.

“You have some kind of proof?”

“I can _tell_ ,” Die said. “It’s not something he usually does, but he was acting strange, and I’ve already been insecure about it…”

“All right,” Shinya said, holding up a hand. “I’m stopping you there, because I think when you’re already insecure, you’re prone to seeing problems where they don’t exist.”

“I’m not imagining things,” Die argued. He knew how it must sound, that he must seem paranoid and unreasonable, but it wasn’t like it was all in his head. “Toshiya can tell you.”

“If there’s really something wrong, I think it’s best to wait until after we perform, don’t you? Then your mind can be clear to deal with whatever the issue is.”

Reluctantly, Die nodded. “I guess so.”

Shinya took his leave then, to go and greet their friends from the store who’d come to support them, and Die tried to bring the matter at hand—the gig they’d spent the past month or more preparing for—back into focus.

He listened to the other bands on the backstage monitors and fretted over comparing them. He didn’t think any other group was really similar to their own; most of the other vocalists had a common style that Kyo had never adhered to, and range-wise, no band could match them. That said, it was a _competition_ , so merely having a distinctive style wasn’t really enough unless they were also the Best.

When he was occupied with these thoughts, time passed more quickly, and though Die would have preferred to spend that time with Kyo, or at least with one of his other bandmates, discussing what they were up against and nitpicking guitar solos, he was glad enough to have it over, and to find Toshiya and Shinya beside him once more as they waited in the wings for the others to join them before they went on.

“Somehow I think I didn’t mention this earlier,” Toshiya said, “but Die, your outfit is badass. It’s perfect for this, where did you even get it?”

“Oh, um.” Die looked down at himself, traced the outline of one flower on the tights with his fingertip. “Kyo actually made it for me.”

“ _Kyo made_ it?” Toshiya repeated, looking at the ensemble with newfound awe. 

Shinya was looking, too. “You mean this is the sort of thing he makes, for his commission work? Hmm.”

“I mean, I’m sure he could make a variety of different things,” Die said. “But yeah, he designed it, and got my approval, and then he made it so I could wear it for this gig.”

“That’s amazing,” Toshiya said. “I had no idea he was so talented with that stuff.” He looked down at his own attire. “Think I could get him to make me something?”

“Well, I think you could _hire_ him to,” Die said. “Prices might be steep, though.”

Toshiya was still mulling it over when Kaoru and Kyo finally showed up, both looking rather stressed and serious again.

“Where were you guys?” Shinya asked. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, of course, everything’s fine. Kyo and I were just discussing, ah, some scheduling matters, for the store,” Kaoru said dismissively.

Die saw Kyo cringe behind him.

That made it all even more bizarre. Kaoru was lying, too? There was no way they were talking about schedules at the store _again_ , making them late to Places before the live. What could they have to be that suspicious about, that Kaoru would even lie to _Shinya_?

Die’s mind went to the worst possibility first: an affair. It explained everything. Kyo and Kaoru were sleeping together behind Die’s back and trying to hide it from the rest of the band. How long had it been going on? Was Kyo in love with Kaoru? Was he planning on leaving Die?

Die pushed all the thoughts and questions down, hoping to suppress them enough to be dealt with later. They had a show to do and he had to focus. In the few final minutes before they went on, Kaoru gave them a little pep talk and they put their hands into the middle of the huddle to gather their energy. Kyo still wasn’t meeting Die’s eyes, seeming even more uncomfortable and tense than before. It was hard to get a good read on him with all the makeup and contact lenses, but it wasn’t hard to tell something was wrong.

Shinya went out onto the stage first, with Die close behind. He tried to tell himself he was being ridiculous. There was literally nothing to suggest that there was anything going on between Kaoru and Kyo. He’d invented this explanation with no basis whatsoever, and it wasn’t something he could be distracted by when he needed to play guitar.

They started their first song and Die tried to use the audience to ground himself, picking faces out of the crowd and smiling at them coyly. It never failed to get him a good response; even when he spotted Miyavi and winked at him, he was gratified to see Miyavi’s eyes widen and one hand lift to touch his own cheek as if he was blushing.

It was the best Die had ever heard them sound as a band, which he supposed it had better be. The energy was high and sharp and Die felt like they were a _force_ , tight and unified. Kyo was like he’d never seen him before. For all his recent distance and strangeness, he seemed to have no difficulty connecting with the audience, and he kept them bound to his every note, every move, throughout the short set. They screamed for him and he screamed back, feeling every ounce of their pain and ripping himself open to show them all how he’d accepted it, made it part of himself.

Kyo didn’t belong to Die, or to Kaoru, or even to himself. He belonged to the crowd, to _art_ , and as Kyo laid himself emotionally bare for those hundreds of people watching, Die knew he could never compete.

Overall, it was a performance they could be proud of. Die saw Toshiya adjusting his stance lower and lower as he tethered them all to the earth with his bass lines. Kaoru was getting into it, and Die was pretty sure he even caught him watching Toshiya once or twice, but he didn’t know if that was just something he _wanted_ to see, proof that Kaoru had eyes for someone decidedly other than Kyo.

The whole thing was over before Die even had time to make himself at home on the stage. Kyo sauntered off first and the rest of the band waved to the crowd and followed, everything a rush of sound and feeling. Another group went on immediately after them, and then it would be time for the judging panel to deliberate.

The band gathered in a somewhat secluded corner of the backstage area, and Die reflected on his performance. Whatever ended up happening, he’d felt good about it. If mistakes were made, they’d been too minor for Die to notice himself, and no one could say they hadn’t given the audience a great live music experience. 

But being off the stage meant Die had to face everything he’d been worried about before they went on. He looked across their little circle at Kyo, who was watching him with sad eyes. Everyone else was talking excitedly about various aspects of the set they’d just played, but Kyo seemed far removed from it all, like he was on the other side of a mirror, not quite part of this world and this moment.

It scared Die, but he didn’t know how to address it, and so felt both frightened and relieved when Kyo said, suddenly but quietly, “Die, I need to talk to you.”

Die nodded, and followed Kyo around the corner, a short distance away from the group. He didn’t miss how Kaoru watched them go, his brow all creased and expression grave once more.

When Kyo turned to face him, there was no disguising the pain and regret in his expression. “I wanted to talk to you earlier,” he began. “But I didn’t know how. And then Kaoru—he made me promise I’d wait until after the live. But we finished performing, so I’m not putting it off any longer.”

Die didn’t like where this was going. He wanted to tell Kyo to stop, to not put him through the suffering of actually hearing the words from his mouth.

“I’m leaving the store,” Kyo said.

It wasn’t what Die was expecting and he couldn’t process it at first. He shook his head in confusion.

“I didn’t think it would be that big a deal,” Kyo said. “For so long, I’d been planning to move on, but it’s different now—because of you. You were right, about it having an impact. I’m used to being able to see you at work, and I hate that I’ll be losing that.” 

“How…” Die swallowed, tried again, “What happened? When?”

“You remember that interview I had a little while back? The one I fucked up?”

Of course Die remembered, though he mostly recalled Kyo’s pain in the aftermath of the fateful interview.

“I guess… they didn’t mind my fuck-up so much,” Kyo said, one corner of his mouth curving up like it wanted to smile. “Or they even _liked_ it. They liked that I spoke my mind, while still being respectful, said in the fashion world, that’s something we need more of. They hired me.”

“That’s. That’s great,” Die said hoarsely. “I’m so—That’s wonderful, Kyo.”

“I wanted to tell you right away,” Kyo said. “I was so excited—but then I thought of leaving the store, leaving you, what you said before…”

“Fuck what I said before,” Die said. “This is way more important!”

“Thank you,” Kyo said.

“And… And leaving me, I understand, and I wouldn’t want to hold you back, or for you to feel guilty,” Die added.

“It won’t be—I’ll still see you,” Kyo said, looking a bit less sure of himself. “As long as—what do you mean, hold me back?”

Die shook his head. He had to be strong, for Kyo. “You’ll have so many new opportunities, so much to focus on.” He looked down at his feet. It was so much information at once, and he suddenly understood how Kaoru had been having so many serious conversations with Kyo. Losing him for the store was one thing, but breaking up the band, now, when they’d just had such a successful gig? He may not have been carrying on a secret relationship, but it was still a significant loss. “Kaoru must be taking it hard, between the store and the band and everything…”

“I’m not leaving the band,” Kyo said quickly. “Just the store. Kaoru had a lot to say to me even just about that. But I was never planning on—I want to stay in the band, and. And to stay with _you_.”

Die lifted his head. He thought the pounding of his heart might have been playing tricks with his hearing. “You want to—?”

“I’m going to miss seeing you at work every day,” Kyo said, “but I don’t want to lose more than that.” He sighed. “I’m a fuck-up, and I know that, I know I’m sad and moody and _difficult_ , but you… Every now and then, since knowing you, it doesn't matter. With you, I feel a little bit more _whole_. Like the ugliness that fills me and breaks me doesn’t mean I’m _less_ , like I don’t have to hide the parts of me that are only fragments. The band helps, and sure, part of it is the music and the connection of performing, but more than that, it’s _you_ , and just being around you. Because I love you.”

He paused there, looking nervous, and it took a few seconds, but then Die was laughing helplessly, tears spilling from his eyes as he tugged Kyo forward into his embrace.

“Shit, Kyo, why do you make it so dramatic? I thought I was fucking _losing_ you.” Die buried his face in Kyo’s sweat-mussed hair. “Fuck. I love you, too.”

Kyo was hugging him back just as tightly, his voice muffled against Die’s chest as he said, “It wasn’t like I _wanted_ to be dramatic! Kaoru made me wait to tell you—”

“Yeah, the two of you sneaking around, I thought you were sleeping together or something!”

Kyo pulled back to look at him, scandalized. “I would never! He just didn’t want you to be distracted before we had to perform. And then he kept trying to convince me to stay, only a couple days a week—which, no thanks—so then we started talking about him creating some assistant manager positions at the store.”

Die raised an eyebrow. “Is that so? Because of Toshiya’s interest.”

“Because I’m leaving,” Kyo said with a shrug. “Someone needs to take over a lot of the shit I was doing without even thinking about it. He wants to promote you.”

Die didn’t hate that idea. “Assistant manager, eh? If it’s stuff you were doing, it can’t be too far out of my skill set. Let’s go talk to him about it, now!”

He held Kyo’s hand as they rounded the corner back to where the rest of the band was standing, waiting anxiously.

“Kaoru!” Die said at once. “I want the promotion!”

“What!” Toshiya glared at Kaoru. “Die’s getting a promotion?”

“He has worked there longer than you,” Shinya pointed out.

“What’s he getting promoted to??”

“A new position,” Kyo said. “It’s not formally created, yet.”

“But you think of Die before you think of the rest of us,” Toshiya complained.

“I—can’t offer it to you, right now,” Kaoru told Toshiya stiffly. “It might seem—because of—”

Toshiya spread his arms in an impatiently expectant gesture— 

And Kaoru stepped in, his mouth capturing Toshiya’s without warning.

“Holy shit!” Die exclaimed indiscreetly.

The kiss went on a long time, Toshiya’s arms easily wrapping around Kaoru’s neck and holding him closer. No one felt the need to interrupt, and when a staff member came backstage to tell them to get ready for the announcement of the Battle of the Bands’ winner, Toshiya just gave him a thumbs-up over Kaoru’s shoulder.

Die stood in the wings as they awaited the announcement, his hand still entwined with Kyo’s, and grinned down at him. Kyo smiled back. He didn’t want to leave him. Even as Kyo was moving on and following his dreams, he wanted Die to stay with him, to be a part of that. Die could feel that same wholeness Kyo had described earlier, filling his heart and stretching out to the tips of his fingers, and he knew it would continue as long as he could keep Kyo by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's that.  
> This was a bizarrely huge undertaking and it's bittersweet saying goodbye to it after months of regular updates. (Though as I said, I'm not *really* saying goodbye to the AU. I expect that down the line there might be more stories set in this universe and I'll keep them together as part of a series. Not saying for sure when they'll be though, 'cause I have a lot of other stuff I want to share, too!)  
> For those of you who have been with me throughout this entire fic, wow, y'all are great, and thank you so much. Your support has meant the world to me and, at risk of sounding dramatic, encouraged me to keep working through some really dark events in my life this summer. So thank you, please know how much I've appreciated all your comments in these past few months.  
> Now it's onward! You'll hear from me again with new fics very soon, I'm not going anywhere. I hope you come check out whatever I'm working on next, and in the meantime, come find me on tumblr! I don't have the same name over there and I don't like linking between my accounts, but I don't think I'm too hard to find, and I'm always open to talk to people about writing/bandom/etc!   
> Also pretty much always accepting prompts, so if you have something you really want to see, don't hesitate to send it my way, and I'll try to make it happen for you. Eventually, haha.  
> That's enough of me talking. Thank you, again, and I hope you've all enjoyed my nonsense. Much love.


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